I don't smack by policy, but once recently i did smack. It was 5am, DD had had me up 4 times in the night, and at 5am i found her drawing with permanent marker on the (rented) livingroom wall. I smacked her hand. It didn't leave a mark except the one burned into my heart because i had found it in me to hit my baby (she was 25months).

I didn't hit her because of her. I hit her because *I* was tired, *I* was worried about the rental walls (which was because of my tiredness - i have spare paint for such disasters in my kitchen cupboard), *I* was annoyed that she'd done it (how did she get the pen? I LEFT IT WHERE SHE COULD REACH IT!). I know she's 2 and has no concept of rentals, clean walls, permanence, meternal exhaustion or me being at the end of my rope already before this happened. And i know full well that the one wallop of her life, on her hand, taught her ZIP about any of those things. For days after if i asked her to stop doing something she would hit her hand and squeal "NO, BAD!" and i would cry. I have apologised so many times. I will never hit her again. Once was enough for me to know it isn't for me.

To me you can divide kids into before they have impulse control (under 4) to when they begin to have it (4-8) to when they have it (9+). Before they have it it's my job to prevent disasters. DD is my beautiful lively flood, and i arrange the contours of our day so she flows through picking up as much info to carry forwards as possible while leaving the least destruction in her wake possible. When they are beginning to have control it is my job to give them chances to exercise it (it's how it gets strong) and give them fair but harsh consequences when they fail to control it, to give them more incentive and tools to do so next time. Once they have it it's my job to give them guidance and responsibility to let them practice and sharpen it, so they can KNOW themselves to be good people, which is SO important for self-esteem IMO.

I was talking to my dad after i smacked DD and he said "it's no big deal, it was just a tap on the hand, don't beat yourself up! Really, stop worrying about it!" and i said "Dad, if i called and said DP had hit me, but only gently and it hadn't left a mark, how would you react?" and he went a bit pale and said "Ok, i'd be worried sick, i see what you mean."

I do not want my kids to fear me, i want them to love me, respect me. I love and respect DP, i do not fear him. I am a VERY strict parent, i just don't hit. The word "discipline" means "to teach" and i don't want to teach any lesson which ends with "because if you do mummy will hit you". I don't see what relevance it has for inner self-control or self-regulation of behaviour, and i don't want to be that sort of parent.

I was only smacked once as a child. I was 3, i don't remember being smacked (because my brother turned the volume on the stereo up instead of down and my dad decided we both should get a smack for it) just having a handprint on my butt in the bath. My mother told my father that she had divorced one violent man already and that he might think VERY carefully before raising his hand to any of us in the future. My mum never smacked me, but she was a STRICT parent. When i was small i was allowed out to play but had to be home by a certain time. If i was late i was grounded for a WEEK for every minute i was late. I was late once. Ever. My mother never made empty threats and ALWAYS carried through on punishments, even when it inconvenienced her significantly (when i was grounded she had to miss several things we did together since i wasn't allowed to go myself). I always knew from that that she REALLY cared about me, and it REALLY was for my own good. She would lose out on a month of art classes or craft groups or reading clubs to teach me the importance of being punctual and the grace of being kind to your loved ones by being predictable so they don't spend half the time worrying about where you are. I always felt she was very serious about raising me. She put us first.

Krisp - ITA. I saw a mother only a few days ago holding her toddler (looked about 3, perhaps a small 4 or a tall 2) by the arm and walloping him hard on the bum, puntuating every smack with a word "DON'T. HIT. YOUR. BROTHER." Kid looked terrified and furious.

Bx