Do you sometimes feel like a single parent, even though you're not?

[SammyRo]

Yeah definately! DH works long hours, throw in a long commute and hockey 2 nights per week and he gets to see DD if he's lucky for half an hour in the morning - she's always in bed by the time he comes home. He then plays hockey every weekend and once a fortnight will umpire 1-2games too! Things came to a head a while back, and now, on the weekend when he is at home, I pretty much leave DD to him and sit back and relax or get out the house on my own. Its better than it was, but its still hard. We're TTC #2 and I'm worried about how I'll cope being pg and having dd to deal with, let alone what will happen once #2 is born.

[Kailani]

Yes I do sometimes. DP starts work either 3 or 4am, gets home around 1pm, has lunch, reads paper, goes on the computer, is then really tired but may spend a bit of time with DS (not really knowing what to do) and then is in bed around 7pm (another baker here!) On his days off, he often goes out with friends for drinks during the night and is pretty useless the next day

I sleep with DS in another room, am solely bfing, give him baths (DP has never given him a bath), organise all his appointments (he has some medical issues), etc etc. He never knows what to do with DS. Even when changing a nappy and he will call me to help Hehe I love him but gee he's so clueless! I know he'd love to spend more time with us though.

Even though I am with DS so much more than DP is, DP still gets all the smiles and I get the cranky baby!

I sympathise!

[Phteven]

Yeah, it isn't unusual for DH to race out the door at 8 and not get home until past midnight then sleep 4 hours and do it all again. Throw into that the odd trip away and I spend a lot of time single parenting.
Poor DH gets the worst end of the deal - he works so hard and sees heaps less of the boys than he would like. He's really looking forward to taking half a year out next year to enjoy some time with the boys (and so am I)

[boobaloo]

hell yes i sympathise! not so much due to work, although that takes up a hell of a lot of time, but dh doesn't really know what to do when the kids are sick, or if i'm sick i'm still doing everything anyway. he's a great dad, and most weekends will take the kids out for the day, but then i have to do the housework.

dd is teething at the moment, and dh has no idea how to deal with her through the night, so i'm up all night with a miserable baby, who's still miserable the next day cause she hasn't slept. lots of fun.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I used to. I did all the housework and the baby looking after and the budgetting and DH went fishing and left me to it. He slept on a campbed in the nursery because Liebling slept in a moses basket in our room.

But now - even though I do 90% of the parenting to one boy (and the other 10% is to two boys LOL) not so much. I still do most the parenting and the housework, but DH does get up at night if I need him to. I go away 3 times a year to my parents' without him: it brings home how much he does do. I have a renovated house - nearly finished. And DH did it all - well, OK, I did some. And DS has been very helpful when I'm not around.

I think because I go away more I appreciate him more. He works very hard and I know that annoys me when he's tired and grumpy but he is doing REALLY well in his career. And has started to talk about moving into a different industry next year to support my wishes to move.

I still get no help when DH is "ill" or when I am ill. They still drive me bonkers. But for some reason, because we're looking forward out of this, is seems managable now.

[Marlene]

I feel like a single mother most the time, not really due to DH's work but just because I pretty much raise the kids on my own..DH doesn't get up at night to the baby, change nappies, do baths. Nothing really. Doesn't even turn the shower on for our 9 year old DS...unless I ask him to repeatedly...and then it's "after the sports news" or "in the next ad break"

[Lolli]

I feel like a single mother most the time, not really due to DH's work but just because I pretty much raise the kids on my own..DH doesn't get up at night to the baby, change nappies, do baths. Nothing really. Doesn't even turn the shower on for our 9 year old DS...unless I ask him to repeatedly...and then it's "after the sports news" or "in the next ad break"

Same here. Although to give dh credit, he does work sucky hours, get's up at an awful time, and is very tired. And he seems to think that I am not tired, have plenty of time to relax, and have it easy

[satya]

I hear this type of comment a lot from women & it usually annoys me. Usually it's something like "I understand how hard it is for you as a single parent because my husband worked all the time when I was younger".

I've seen both sides of the coin - six months of being partnered with a baby who's dad was a shift worker & six months of being a single parent. They seriously do not compare.

Yes it's tough having a partner who works a lot or works shifts or works away, or is just plain useless, but ultimately they do still come home to you, contribute financially towards the household, give you moral support and are able to help when you are sick.

Hopefully none of you lovely ladies will ever get to find out how hard it is.

[AnyDream]

Well I've done 5 years recently of DH constantly being away, anything from a week, three weeks or four months at a time. During the long trips, I really felt I was doing the single parent hard yards, especially when I was physically incapacitated & living with horrible pain for a period of time. Having him away so much & so irregularly created both financial and emotional pressures, and the constant disruption of coming and going - often at short notice and in the face of the very scary places he was going to - well there's an argument that this could be just as or more stressful than being single in a more settled and ongoing manner. And thousands of km away from family and friend support networks.

That's not to downplay how hard it is (especially with financial pressures) of being properly a single parent. I take Satya's point and I'm sure you have a right to feel annoyed when someone in relatively comfortable situation makes a comment like that. But I don't think single parents have the monopoly on the hard yards. All sorts of people find themselves in difficult circumstances and you can't judge from the outside whether you're better or worse off than the next person.

Some of us are just better at pretending everything is fine and dandy cos we know damn well there's no help coming from anywhere. .

[Marlene]

I have also been a single mother Satya...and yes it is a bit easier to have a DH bringing in the bacon and to know that there is someone coming home to you at the end of the day...but you know what sometimes I honestly think life would be easier (for me, this is not a generalisation) if I didn't have to worry about the man coming home at the end of the day, lol. I mean, honestly, it's just like adding another child to the mix when he is here...I have to do everything for him, he's no help, constantly picking up after him, needs constant attention, and he chucks temper tantrums!!

I take my hat off to all the single mums out there, but I know there are plenty of married/partnered mummies out there that are doing it tough as well.

[Trillian]

That's not to downplay how hard it is (especially with financial pressures) of being properly a single parent. I take Satya's point and I'm sure you have a right to feel annoyed when someone in relatively comfortable situation makes a comment like that. But I don't think single parents have the monopoly on the hard yards. All sorts of people find themselves in difficult circumstances and you can't judge from the outside whether you're better or worse off than the next person.

Some of us are just better at pretending everything is fine and dandy cos we know damn well there's no help coming from anywhere. .

That pretty much sums it up for me. Satya, NO ONE in this thread ever compared themselves to a single parent or said they have it just as hard. But the feelings of the women who have posted in this thread are just as valid. Everyone finds the going pretty tough from time to time and no one ever 'owns' hardship. I would never compare myself to a single parent because clearly I am NOT one. But even if you do have a Dh coming home to you at night, or after a time away, that does not make the daily grind any easier to deal with sometimes.

[mbear]

ohhh yer....i agree, it can be so draining at times. DH is a firefighter, so works shiftwork, the days he is at home he is working in his garage on his 2nd job - a motorbike biz - which allows me i guess to stay at home with the girls...(oh..and boy ). WHen it comes to race meets, or he has a customer that bike is coming to a completion, then he works most nights in the garage too.

I flipped it on the weekend. After him working 2 x nightshifts, he then played soccor on Sat and Sun and didnt get home till 530pm both nights....which meant i was up to my 4th night of bathing, feeding and dealing with a screaming newborn .......all on my own.

Sometimes i hear myself asking 'is this what you wanted...a life like this.....???' i have a whinge to DH about pulling his weight and generally he will kick back into gear....i find he needs reminding a lot...

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

See, my dad's in the Navy. He was away for up to 6 months at a time. Mum had the money coming in, but nothing else. That's hard - it's like a guy who just pays a lot of child support but whose demands on parenting have to be considered. It's hard for the children too; having a Dad who's not there half the time then bossing you about the other half as if he owns the place.

If I were a single parent, I'd have moved to near my support network and have a LOT more support and fewer bills. OK it wouldn't be great but it would actually be easier - I wouldn't have to consider DH at all! I'm ill and WOW someone will cook me a meal or look after DS for an hour. BUT I wouldn't have adult company so much in the evening, which does drive me bonkers. There are upsides and downsides to each situation.