Do you sometimes feel like a single parent, even though you're not?

[Phteven]

Yeah, it isn't unusual for DH to race out the door at 8 and not get home until past midnight then sleep 4 hours and do it all again. Throw into that the odd trip away and I spend a lot of time single parenting.
Poor DH gets the worst end of the deal - he works so hard and sees heaps less of the boys than he would like. He's really looking forward to taking half a year out next year to enjoy some time with the boys (and so am I)

[boobaloo]

hell yes i sympathise! not so much due to work, although that takes up a hell of a lot of time, but dh doesn't really know what to do when the kids are sick, or if i'm sick i'm still doing everything anyway. he's a great dad, and most weekends will take the kids out for the day, but then i have to do the housework.

dd is teething at the moment, and dh has no idea how to deal with her through the night, so i'm up all night with a miserable baby, who's still miserable the next day cause she hasn't slept. lots of fun.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I used to. I did all the housework and the baby looking after and the budgetting and DH went fishing and left me to it. He slept on a campbed in the nursery because Liebling slept in a moses basket in our room.

But now - even though I do 90% of the parenting to one boy (and the other 10% is to two boys LOL) not so much. I still do most the parenting and the housework, but DH does get up at night if I need him to. I go away 3 times a year to my parents' without him: it brings home how much he does do. I have a renovated house - nearly finished. And DH did it all - well, OK, I did some. And DS has been very helpful when I'm not around.

I think because I go away more I appreciate him more. He works very hard and I know that annoys me when he's tired and grumpy but he is doing REALLY well in his career. And has started to talk about moving into a different industry next year to support my wishes to move.

I still get no help when DH is "ill" or when I am ill. They still drive me bonkers. But for some reason, because we're looking forward out of this, is seems managable now.

[Marlene]

I feel like a single mother most the time, not really due to DH's work but just because I pretty much raise the kids on my own..DH doesn't get up at night to the baby, change nappies, do baths. Nothing really. Doesn't even turn the shower on for our 9 year old DS...unless I ask him to repeatedly...and then it's "after the sports news" or "in the next ad break"

[Lolli]

I feel like a single mother most the time, not really due to DH's work but just because I pretty much raise the kids on my own..DH doesn't get up at night to the baby, change nappies, do baths. Nothing really. Doesn't even turn the shower on for our 9 year old DS...unless I ask him to repeatedly...and then it's "after the sports news" or "in the next ad break"

Same here. Although to give dh credit, he does work sucky hours, get's up at an awful time, and is very tired. And he seems to think that I am not tired, have plenty of time to relax, and have it easy

[amberj]

I just wanted to give big hugs to you all. I am extremely lucky to have a very supportive and involved husband, and even then I sometimes feel like I'm carrying most of the weight. But after reading this thread I realise I have it so good. I admire you all so much!

[fionas]

Sometimes. DP is a shiftworker so one week out of two isn't home for dinner and although he's home during the day, I seem to still do the morning routine and the lunch routine and then DP and DD both sleep and then I do the night routine too because DP isn't here. Plus he often works 8 days in a row and weekdays and weekends all blur into one. The worst thing is that his shifts vary so much. If they didn't, we would have a shot at getting into some sort of predictable routine but honestly, it seems to be different every single week and I find that very challenging.

I also find that if I say I'm tired, he seems to want to launch a Royal Commission into why as if it's absolutely unfathomable. What time did I go to bed, what time did I get up ... oh, I shouldn't be tired. Whereas he's allowed to feel tired, no questions asked.

He does do quite a bit around the house but seems to resent me having any 'me time'. If I go to the bedroom to get dressed after a shower, for instance, he will bring DD to "let's see what mummy's doing." Drives me bonkers but of course if I complain then I'm accused of being a freak who shouldn't have had a family. It's incredibly draining.

TBH, the idea of being a single parent and sharing custody has been very appealing at times. I would either be "on" or "off" duty and not have to explain to DP why at certain times I would like to be "off" duty.

[satya]

I hear this type of comment a lot from women & it usually annoys me. Usually it's something like "I understand how hard it is for you as a single parent because my husband worked all the time when I was younger".

I've seen both sides of the coin - six months of being partnered with a baby who's dad was a shift worker & six months of being a single parent. They seriously do not compare.

Yes it's tough having a partner who works a lot or works shifts or works away, or is just plain useless, but ultimately they do still come home to you, contribute financially towards the household, give you moral support and are able to help when you are sick.

Hopefully none of you lovely ladies will ever get to find out how hard it is.

[AnyDream]

Well I've done 5 years recently of DH constantly being away, anything from a week, three weeks or four months at a time. During the long trips, I really felt I was doing the single parent hard yards, especially when I was physically incapacitated & living with horrible pain for a period of time. Having him away so much & so irregularly created both financial and emotional pressures, and the constant disruption of coming and going - often at short notice and in the face of the very scary places he was going to - well there's an argument that this could be just as or more stressful than being single in a more settled and ongoing manner. And thousands of km away from family and friend support networks.

That's not to downplay how hard it is (especially with financial pressures) of being properly a single parent. I take Satya's point and I'm sure you have a right to feel annoyed when someone in relatively comfortable situation makes a comment like that. But I don't think single parents have the monopoly on the hard yards. All sorts of people find themselves in difficult circumstances and you can't judge from the outside whether you're better or worse off than the next person.

Some of us are just better at pretending everything is fine and dandy cos we know damn well there's no help coming from anywhere. .

[Marlene]

I have also been a single mother Satya...and yes it is a bit easier to have a DH bringing in the bacon and to know that there is someone coming home to you at the end of the day...but you know what sometimes I honestly think life would be easier (for me, this is not a generalisation) if I didn't have to worry about the man coming home at the end of the day, lol. I mean, honestly, it's just like adding another child to the mix when he is here...I have to do everything for him, he's no help, constantly picking up after him, needs constant attention, and he chucks temper tantrums!!

I take my hat off to all the single mums out there, but I know there are plenty of married/partnered mummies out there that are doing it tough as well.

[chickiebabe]

yes i do feel that why sometimes hubby does alot of **** work and its really hard when hes not home to help me with 3 little ones but at the end of the day i get there

[edaj84]

My DH works nights so he either sleeps or works from thursday thrrough to monday, so i only see him really on tuesday and wednesday. and he thinks that by being home he is spending time with us, i can't seem to convey that he actually needs to get off the computer and communicate with us for it to count as time spent together

[tattoo_mama]

yes, thats why i ended up actually leaving. DP worked 6am to 1pm, came home, would go out in his shed til dinner, came in and ate it, then went back out into his shed til after id gone to bed. if he ever did come inside it was to use my phone caus he had no credit, whinge about something or start a fight and psychologically abuse me. YES, i wouldnt have been able to afford rent without him paying it, but in the end it was like i had 2 kids caus i did everything for him, right down to packing his lunch and getting out his clothes, socks, jocks for the next day...and still got called every name under the sun. So i left...and IME being a single mum is alot easier than staying with that crud!

[Trillian]

That's not to downplay how hard it is (especially with financial pressures) of being properly a single parent. I take Satya's point and I'm sure you have a right to feel annoyed when someone in relatively comfortable situation makes a comment like that. But I don't think single parents have the monopoly on the hard yards. All sorts of people find themselves in difficult circumstances and you can't judge from the outside whether you're better or worse off than the next person.

Some of us are just better at pretending everything is fine and dandy cos we know damn well there's no help coming from anywhere. .

That pretty much sums it up for me. Satya, NO ONE in this thread ever compared themselves to a single parent or said they have it just as hard. But the feelings of the women who have posted in this thread are just as valid. Everyone finds the going pretty tough from time to time and no one ever 'owns' hardship. I would never compare myself to a single parent because clearly I am NOT one. But even if you do have a Dh coming home to you at night, or after a time away, that does not make the daily grind any easier to deal with sometimes.

[Lulu]

I hear you Satya - you can't really feel like a single mummy until you take your partners wage out of the equation.

[Marlene]

The original question was "do you sometimes feel like a single parent, even though you're not" not "do you suffer the same financial hardship as a single parent"

As I posted before, I have been a single parent before, and yes, it was harder financially, but sometimes I feel that life was a lot less complicated and lot less stressful when it was just me and the kids. BUT...it is nice to be able to hand the baby over to a partner at the end of the day and grab that shower that you haven't managed to have for two days, LOL.

[danniellabella]

I hear you Satya - you can't really feel like a single mummy until you take your partners wage out of the equation.

When my DH had depression and wasn't there emotionally or mentally as I mentioned before, he wasn't working. I had to cut my maternity leave short and go to full-time work and send DD to full-time daycare because my DH just couldn't take care of himself or anyone else. He may as well have not been there. He didn't help out around the house, he didn't look after DD when I wanted to go out, I had to take her with me all the the time, even if I just had to pop to the shop for 5 minutes.
He would literally get up, play computer games all day while I was at work and even when I was at home, then go to bed. He hardly ever got dressed each day either. If I asked him to get up in the night to DD because I had work the next day, he wouldn't, or if he did he would get me up to sort her out and go back to bed because he didn't know what to do.
I remember one time he got up to her and I was awake just listening to her crying for 5 minutes. The cry was getting worse. I went into her room to see what was going on and he was just standing over the cot watching and not doing anything. I asked him what was going on and he said "I don't know what to do" so I asked what he'd tried and he said "nothing" He hadn't even picked her up for a cuddle.

He went away for a week in January this year and TBH I didn't even notice a difference with him not being there. I was still doing everything but I was more relaxed. After that week though it was a wake up call for him and he got his act together and started working again and helping out a lot more. He realised what he was about to lose if he kept going the way he was.

[mbear]

ohhh yer....i agree, it can be so draining at times. DH is a firefighter, so works shiftwork, the days he is at home he is working in his garage on his 2nd job - a motorbike biz - which allows me i guess to stay at home with the girls...(oh..and boy ). WHen it comes to race meets, or he has a customer that bike is coming to a completion, then he works most nights in the garage too.

I flipped it on the weekend. After him working 2 x nightshifts, he then played soccor on Sat and Sun and didnt get home till 530pm both nights....which meant i was up to my 4th night of bathing, feeding and dealing with a screaming newborn .......all on my own.

Sometimes i hear myself asking 'is this what you wanted...a life like this.....???' i have a whinge to DH about pulling his weight and generally he will kick back into gear....i find he needs reminding a lot...