To have, or not to have an only child

[~mamaspice~]

Hi, I always wanted 3 or 4 kids, and to have had them before I turned 30
Well I'm 31 and have a precious 10 month old DD. I would dearly love another but part of me wonders will we be able to give more to Charli if she is an only child. Am I being selfish by wanting another one, especially when we are not exactly financially independant right now? or will she be disadvantaged socially and emotionally by being an only child?
My half brother and I are nearly 6 years apart and not close at all so I always wanted my babies to be born close together and have a great sibling relationship - but even if they are born close I know there are no guarantees that they will be best buddies.
I am so confused.
Would love to hear the thoughts of those who are or who have had or comtemplated having an only child.

[Phteven]

When you say you want to give more to Charli are you talking in an emotional sense or material? Or both? If you're concerned that you can't love a second child as much or a second child will reduce the love you have for Charli I don't think that you need to be concerned - love isn't like a cake that you have to divide. When a new baby arrives you get a whole new cake.
From a material POV it might be true that you will be able to buy less for each child but they will be able to share many of their possesions so maybe it needn't be a concern.
I see my 2 playing together and I think that having a sibling is a fantastic gift even though they sometimes squabble. Yasin hasn't missed out on anything because he has a little brother, on the contrary his life has been enriched.

I don't think that children are disadvantaged socially by being only children, many parents of only children offer them a rich, socially fulfilled life.

[The[cookie]Doctor]

Personally, even though I wasn't an only child, there is 5 & 10 years (well, and 20 years for the twins) between me and siblings, and it's lonely enough with just that difference

I know some people will only have one child because financially speaking they want the best for their child / their child to have the best of everything. Personally, I disagree with this, but this is MY experience from growing up. My mum was a single mum and yes, we struggled... and often we didn't have enough money to put a good food on the table, and often we wore our school uniforms until they had holes and could be replaced with more second hand ones. We at times had to live in refuges (thanks to an abusive partner).

From this I think I have learnt to appreciate things so much more. Okay, so the situation is a little different, but we always had the best Christmas' and when we could do something 'extravagant' it was always a wonderful experience. I also think it taught me to appreciate the value of money, maybe too much as I'm an absolute stingy b!tch when buying clothes, shoes, etc.

I don't think it's a social disadvantage either. I have known only children, who like Dachloster mentioned, lead socially fulfilling lives.

Being able to give more to one child (materialistically) would be great, but having the nicest shoes or being the only kid in the class who has been overseas doesn't shine a light to as being able to chat about the lego castle you built with your little brother on the weekend... but maybe thats just me.

[Aimz]

Being able to give more to one child would be great, but having the nicest shoes or being the only kid in the class who has been overseas doesn't shine a light to as being able to chat about the lego castle you built with your little brother on the weekend... but maybe thats just me.

That is so well put Ash

[Antheia]

This is just my experience, but i'm an only child and i found it boring as hell. I don't have very good social skills at all and i hated always having to play by myself. Even now i wish i had a sibling(especially a sister) to share things with etc, especially when my mum passed away 2 years ago, i felt so alone.

Me and DH would like 5 or 6 kids. One reason of that is because DH is also an only child, so our kids won't have uncles, aunts or even cousins, just each other.

With each child i have had, i seem to have more love to share. I don't feel they miss out on anything, be it socially, material or emotional.

But again this is jsut my experience. I believe each family is different and you have to evaluate what is in your life to make these kinds of choices and i also believe that whatever choice you make is the right one for you, whatever that may be.

[~mamaspice~]

Hi ladies,

thankyou so much for your replies. It all points in one direction - the direction that in my heart I know I want for my family and myself. Charli just loves other kids and I know she'd love a sibling. Right now is when I'd really like to be trying for another one but I've got this silly thyroidectomy that I'm on a waiting list for.

[Lucy]

Spice,

I am one of 5 so I have no idea what being an only child would be like.

As a Mum, I sometimes wonder what life would be like if I had stopped at Olivia.

But one thing sticks in my head.......out of all the people who I have discussed this subject with, a mixtrure with siblings and others who were only childs: all "only children" WISHED they had siblings, and those with siblings NEVER wished to be an only child..........

[New Dawn]

But one thing sticks in my head.......out of all the people who I have discussed this subject with, a mixtrure with siblings and others who were only childs: all "only children" WISHED they had siblings, and those with siblings NEVER wished to be an only child..........

Well said Lucy I too am from a large family one 7 and wouldnt change that for all the shoes holidays in the world.... Ww many have never been taken on a holiday to another state or OS but we did have each other in the summer holidays we rode bikes we swam at the beach we did thing together that I wouldnt ever trade....

As a mum with one you do feel like you couldnt possibly love another child as much as you do the child you have.... But please believe that you can and will I dont know any family who has ever looked back and said " we so should have had only one " another child would bring on new challanges and spice to life... You dont have any guaratees That you children will get alone and lets face it ALL kids fight but almost all when they are grown stick together and help each other out... There is nothing else like knowing with one phone call all of my sibs would drop everything to help me out if I needed them too...

[Nai]

I'm an only child and really never wished for siblings, however it was never my mother's choice that I was the only one. My dad left when I was 2 and she never had an opportunity to provide me with a sibling (so it's not always for financial reasons that people only have 1 child).

I am extremely social and have a close group of friends and never felt that I missed out by not having siblings, however I still wanted DD to have a sibling. We will have 3 years between our 2 and I don't think that it is a big gap. My mum and her sister are 7 years apart and are incredibly close.

Spice, Charli is still very young and so are you so you do have a few years up your sleeve with giving her a sibling (yeah check out my age ).

[curl]

There is one month short of 21 years between myself and my little brother. I was raised an only child an I ALWAYS wanted a little brother or sister, it took mum 3 major relationships before she was ready to have another child. I didn't like being raised an only child even though I had loads of toys etc. My mum & stepdad (not her current husband) raised me in a very loving environment but I felt there was something missing. This is probably why I have always had it in my head that I'd like 3 or 4 children of my own. Funnily enough my brother is always asking for a younger sibling too but with mum's reproductive days now well over with its not going to happen.

[Bathsheba]

I've had experience having an only child for 9 years... then being a mother of two more in quicker succession... so now I have 3. We always knew that we'd have more than just a single child but I needed to do a few more things like return to study before i was ready to have more. Now having said that I can say that whether you wait or have them close will bring their own list of pros and cons in about an equal ratio. At the end of the day you do what you intuitively feel is right. Logic really doesn't play that much of a role when it comes to having children i've found. I know that my eldest child has certainly benefited from having her younger brothers around. She might not always think so... but it's teaching her great lessons in tolerance that you just don't get if you just 'socialise' an only child. At 3am my now teenage DD is learning that whether she likes it or not if her brothers are sick then her sleep will most likely be disturbed as they cry in the room next door. She knows that try as you might she has no other choice than to tolerate her little brothers noise as they hoon around on their toy cars when she is trying to watch the TV. On the other side of the coin it's one of the best things for me to see, as their mum, them all getting along and making family movies (this is my DD's speciality... she's made so many movies of the boys that Dh and I just never would have gotten around to) and watching her showing the boys and hearing them all laughing hysterically! I know the age gaps are big now (13yo, 4yo, 2yo) but my DH has a 10/12/15year age gap with his older brothers but these days you wouldn't know it... they all get along great mates. Ages gaps do have a way of growing smaller as the people involved get older... just speaking from experience.

[~Raven~]

I can share a different, but sad perspective on this.

My MIL has has an partner (at 70 is it really a BF ) who sadly lost his only son in a car crash when he was 19. His wife didn't want anymore children. He told me she did express regret that she didn't have another child but it was too late to do anything about it by then.

Now he is a part of our life as MIL's partner (his wife passed a couple of years ago) and he told me that while he is loving it he is also sad too that he has no grandchildren of "his own".

[tsgirl]

Spice I don't have any experience to offer you, but at this stage DP are planning on an only child. We are both one of two and extremely close to our siblings, but our feeling is that with our lifestyle and age planning for more wouldn't be in the child's best interests.

Like a PP said, you have plenty of time to make these decisions. Enjoying your precious little Charli now doesn't mean you can't add to the family later. We were just looking at old pictures of our nieces recently and commenting on what a baby the elder was when the little one was born. At the time we thought Miss 2 was so grown up (and indeed, she had changed and matured incredibly quickly) but when we look at those photos she is only a baby herself. There are 3 1/2 and 4 1/2 years between myself and sister and DP and sister and being that extra distance apart didn't mean that we weren't close. Goodluck with what you decide, and in the meantime enjoy your darling little girl

[amberj]

I was essentially raised as an only child from the time I was 8, and I loved it. I had the right personality for it- introverted and always fairly mature. I thrived on time to myself and having my parent's attention and being able to talk with them about all sorts of things. I didn't and don't care about the material aspect, but the attention aspect was very beneficial for me. But, as I said, that was my personality.

Its funny, I have always been happy to have only one child, but now that I have one, I find myself seriously considering whether to have a second because your own child is such an amazing miracle! I also get scared about something happeneing to Peter and then not having any children!

Obviously, go with your heart, but I just wanted to add a positive only child experience!

[Jakabella]

I am an only child and I loved it! I was truely made to be an only child and I think I would have hated having a bro or a sis. I am very social and have a great imagination. I had and still have a wonderful relationship with my mum and dad and I knoew that I never wanted to share them.
In saying this I will have more than one child as thats what my husband and I want - but I know that if after this bus I was not able to have any more then I would still know that this bub would be fine being an only child.

Hope that my experiance has helped.
Kate

[paradise lost]

I am the youngest of 6. Mum had 7 babies over 25 years (first at 18, last, me, at 43), but my brother was born at about 20 weeks with anencephaly and obviously he didn't make it.

My closest sibling in age is 3.5 years older than me, my closest sibling emotionally, my only sister (half sister if you want to be precise, which as a family we never do ), is 16 years older than me.

Mum nearly died having my brother, placenta praevia, abruption and emergency ceaserian delivery at 33+ weeks, massive haemorrhage, 4 units transfused. 18 months later she lost my brother with anencephaly, 21 or so months after that she had me.

I am incredibly grateful to have so many siblings. We are not all close, some are closer than others, but we are all HERE, in the world, for one another.

I had DD, an oopsie baby, in 2006. Her dad and i split up when she was 8 weeks old and i began dating DP when she was 5 months old. We've been going strong 2 years now and i am DESPERATE to have another baby. In my head i want us to have bought a house (we'll be looking in November), lived together for a good while (6-9 months, to iron out any transitional difficulties and so we both have a "normal" time to look back on should i have a difficult pregnancy) before i have the Mirena removed. Of course my uterus just wants a baby in it NOW. NOW! Lol.

When i was single and thinking of DD being an only child the idea made me feel incredibly sad. For me and for her. I would not have wanted to miss out on the joys OR the agonies of having siblings - one learns so much about one's self and the world from them (or i did anyway), and more selfishly for myself, i can see utterly the truth in Dach's words about getting a new cake (of love) with a new baby, and i WANT that. I am NOT a brilliant mother all the time, but i'm a MUCH better person for being a mother, and i am excited to see our little family grow in all the ways one can.

I don't think you have to decide now. I wouldn't have wanted 4-4.5 years between #1 and #2 (the minimum there will be IF ttc isn't problematic, which of course it might be) and in an ideal world if we have more than 1 more baby i'd want about 20-30 months between them maximum (mainly because i don't want to be BFing and changing nappies for another decade ) BUT if for whatever reason there HAS to be a big gap between #2 and #3 as well, so be it. If i hadn't had an oopsie i'd not have gotten DD, so i'm much more willing to believe that Fate knows what Fate is doing now.

On a more personal note Spice, i think you're a fabulous mumma and you should have 20 more!

Bx

[krysalyss]

I think it is something you have to decide for yourself.
We only want one child for many reasons but none of them are financial. We are complete as a family now.
Having an only child is fine. But you have to provide for them the social stimulation they need both with parents and kids. If DS is awake then we are together (either me or DH or both of us). He only plays alone when he takes himself off to play by himself. We also go to 2-3 playgroups a week and he does daycare one day a week. Unfortunately we are temporarily away from family but when we were near them he saw his cousins once a week and grandparents at least twice a week. You definitely have to make a big effort. But I think you also do if you have more than one because they need to be able to socialise with people from different backgrounds and viewpoints.
I think someone else said siblings are a blessing and a curse. And I agree. While siblings can be best friends, or good friends, a lot of bullying can occur within families as well. It is definitely not all happy families just because there is more than one child.

[~mamaspice~]

hello everyone

Thanks so much for your input. It's very interresting to read about everyones experiences. There have been lots of points that I hadn't considered before.