My lovely but very messy in laws...

[The[cookie]Doctor]

Well, i really do like my in-laws, they're lovely people, they really are. I've had very minimal complaints so far, and the ones i've had have probably been unreasonable on my behalf and understandable once i look at it from their perspective, but there's one thing i know is going to be an immense kind of problem for me.

They are incredibly messy. And not messy in the clothes on the floor, need a quick vacuum sense. Messy as in mould caked on walls, in cupboards dirt and grime in every corner possible messy. And their fridge, full of expired food - really is it that difficult to throw out a jar of olices that expired in Nov, 2006? I know i'm sounding really picky and unreasonable - but i myself admit i'm not a neatfreak - and there are spots on my benches and sometimes my dishes get left for two days. It's just, i feel really uncomfortable putting a baby in that environment.

I know there won't be many chances for the in-laws to see little jellybean, and i know i'll have to accept the times when we do go there, but they got offended when i said we'd be staying in a motel.

Anthony said oh "we'll be able to send him up in the holidays to stay with nan and pa for a week", but i felt sick at the thought of letting him go. I just think that it wouldn't be 'adequate care'. I know I'm HORRIBLE for thinking this, but i wouldn't want my little boy ever playing on their floor. And they keep the dog allowed inside too which i think is just ewwww. A couple of chrissie gifts were covered in dog hair. I was really disgusted to think that i had to go and wash all these blankets and clothes because they were covered in dog hair.

The other thing is that they are always eating chips, and soft drink andd all this unhealthy food that, even anthony admits, is them 'not properly taking care of themselves" - and i don't want to send him off to nanna's and have him come home a fussy little bubba that won't eat veges and only wants chips and lollies. Okay, i know that's a bit extreme - but DF is horribly fussy with food and acknowledges it's because there were no form of rules or disciplines on food. If he didn't like what mummy cooked mummy would make another meal. And i just can't get over that because I have had to give up so much food i like to eat (salads, veges, fruits - surprise surprise) and wean anthony onto a healthy diet himself. I think Glandular Fever is the best think that could have happened to his diet. Which is also horrible, because it's the lifelong re-occuring condition he's stuck with Oh i feel like such a biatch.

Anyhow, back to where i started. How do / can i combat the messy house & habits of the in-laws? Or do i just put up with the inevitable bubby getting sick afterwards? I fell horrible but i just feel that it's unacceptable...

ETA - god i sound like a right awful prat. Now i've got the guilts for thinking all these nasty things

[fionas]

Oh what a pickle Ashlea! What does your DP think about the mess? Is he just used to it or could you get him to have a quiet word?

[DoubleK]

once your little fella is old enough to visit with them alone, perhaps you could make a list of the food he is to eat (like give them options for brekkie, lunch, dinner & snacks) - or even supply the snacks etc and tell them he can only have water to drink... and supply your own sippy cups/plates/spoons tec if you think theirs might not be clean

as for when you all go to visit, maybe bring a blanket from home (or two) to put on the carpet for him to play on - im not sure about once he is crawling, as he will be off to explore!

maybe dp could ask them to vacuum before you come as your worried about alergies from the animal hair.

not sure if that really helps, but it might just be a few ideas!

[The[cookie]Doctor]

Fiona - it's tricky because he knows they're messy - He has said that we're not going there at all until bubs is at least six, if not twelve months old, because he's wary of how easily babies become ill and acknowledges the mess - but he also knows that they've tried to clean up when we've visited... Which is awful because i already know that they are going out of their way! :S
His parents are also both very sick, his father really isn't in the best of health, so i guess i probably need to gain some perspective from that point of view because i would feel horrible if we "denied" them the opportunity to get to see their first grandchild while they could... iykwim.
I guess i just need to talk about it as well and see if anyone has any suggestions...

Rach - thanks for the suggestions, i will keep them in mind. I guess i'm really worrying about too much - they're 900k's away so we have to be able to afford to visit frequently before it really becomes a problem... It's just that it's been on my mind. They just visited us on the weekend for DF's birthday and (i'm not ungrateful, i appreciate the help!) the load of dishes MIL did for me were still covered in greasy oily 'water marks' and food stuck on plates - so it's been making me itch, so to speak.

[Bathsheba]

I had messy in-laws too. Until my MIL died. She couldn't do much because she had a weak heart. The floors and surfaces were clean but the house was very dusty and food was just added onto of the deep freeze never rotated. When we had to help FIL move out there were about 15 chickens in the 2 deep freezes, one dating back to the mid 1980's

My advice is to grin and bear it. They might not be around for long and even if your DS touches the dirt then it will probably just boost his immune system anyhow. I do know how you feel though.

[maddysmummy]

ashlea did you find out your having a boy?? i must of missed that thread!!! you have called the baby he and him, my little boy!
oh how exciting for you!!

ohh this is a hard one!! maybe be upfront with them or get DP to do it!!
as for the food thing just be strong and say NO.. its your child and what you want goes!!

[Junglemum]

Sounds like maybe they a hand with the cleaning? Maybe a family working bee and a huge spring clean. They don't have to know it is about bub arriving, they can just think you guys are giving them a hand......
If that's not a possibilty then i guess you'll have to do s bathsheba suggested and grin and bear it. When he is older you can always send him with a bag of snacks/food that is more to your liking!

[fionas]

This is probably not very practical financially but the only thing I can come up with that won't offend is to say you'd like all four of you to have a weekend/week away somewhere and stay in a (clean) apartment/cottage/hotel whatever. But probably not do-able if FIL is sick too.

I think the mess is a more difficult issue than the diet. If they're nice people they're not going to take offence about you wanting to feed your baby what you want plus you can say how everyone's just very cautious these days about food/allergies etc. etc. and your MCHN has said he can only have this, this and this and yes, you know it's a bit over-the-top but you'll feel really guilty if he gets sick etc. etc. etc.

[The[cookie]Doctor]

Bathsheba - DF says that's a lot of the reason their house is in such a state of chaos. Because his parents are ill / working / etc and his younger siblings (18 & 16, still living at home) never were brought up (before their parents got really sick) to help out around the house so neither of them have the initiative to do it now iykwim? Which is fair enough but there's simple things like picking up your own rubbish, cans of drink and chip packets - and putting them straight in the garbage, that make a world of difference with no effort. You are definitely right about the immune system, and that is something i would say myself, just something that's been grating on my nerves the last few days.

Maddysmummy - I have known we're having a boy since my 20wk scan - i don't think i made too much a big deal of it (i had my heart set on a girl, am now very very happy with a boy, think i'll prefer the 'rough & tumble'!) - but 'jellybean' is in blue text in my sig - so i guess that was the real giveway. I've had a few people say they didn't know though! I don't know them well enough to say anything, but i think they might have gotten the point when they saw how 'squeaky clean' this place was when they visited on Saturday... I don't know it's tough because i don't want to be the evil daughter in law that sort of makes them play by my rules, if you get my drift?

Falguni - that's a great suggestion, except that we're in Geelong and they're in Yass (Melbourne as to Canberra)! When we were there last i had really bad sleeping issues so i spent one night scrubbing up their kitchen and lounge room - i told them it was a thank you for having us and to let her have a break, and so that i could exhaust myself to sleep, but she didn't buy it and was, according to FIL, incredibly offended. So i really can't win? I guess i'll go with the grin and bear it. They're really lovely people and i have no doubts in the manner of their care otherwise, i guess i'm just a bit neurotic about cleanliness at times...

Fiona - They would never ever permit that! They're car broke down on the way back from Melbourne yesterday and they slept in the car overnight because they refused to let us put them up for a night in a dodgy motel. I would have no chance!@ Like your thinking though.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I'm going to say mould - no. If they cannot hire a cleaner on a one-off then don't go. Babies will put mould into their mouths. I'm no neat freak, I let DS eat food that has dropped onto my floor, I think that a BIT of dirt is beneficial, but mould is NOT. It is a completely different kettle of fish. Mould isn't like dirt - it is alive. And can cause allergies and various VERY nasty tummy bugs. Animal hair can also cause allergies and hairballs - yick.

You shouldn't have to grin and bear that much mess.

Empty cans, baby can drink the dregs and/or get cut.
Crisp packets are coated in salt, not good for baby.

Oh, I would not allow it. And I am a strong believer in family (I haven't cut off my mother because DS should be allowed to see his grandparents) and not a neat freak. There's messy and there's dangerous and no way should a baby be in a dangerous situation. It's not just the hygiene, it's if there's that much mess and baby pulls up, mess collapses, baby falls, baby is covered... can you find baby in time? A knock to the head on a clean floor can be bad, but if baby gets a cut on a really filthy floor covered in mould and animal hair (and possibly traces of animal droppings...) - also, with that level of nasties, there may be rodents. I just wouldn't allow it. You have VERY good reason for not letting baby stay there.

Hope this didn't offend, but words like mould really ring alarm bells with me.

[The[cookie]Doctor]

Don't worry Ryn, i'm not offended - that was sort of my initial reaction as well, then i put in in perspective and got over it but the last few days it's been haunting me! I have to give them credit, the last time we were there i was only 10 weeks pregnant and a lot may have changed. But i really seriously doubt it and that's why i've been paranoid. We will barely get to make it up there so as long as i make my own strict rules for where he can sit and play, it should be ok.

I think i'm more worried of offending them, i mean i don't think it's an unreasonable ask to have a suitably clean environment for a little tacker, it's just that they're so lovely and i don't want to upset them or have them hate me either...

[fionas]

Ashlea - could you get your DP to have a word to his brothers and explain to them that the ILs have looked after them for so long, now it's time for them to reciprocate a bit and do a big clean-up and then make more of an effort day-to-day.

I have been an exceptionally messy person in the past - but messy people don't actually enjoy living in mess, they're just a bit clueless on how to start to get it sorted.

It sounds like your ILs have a lot on their plate so you don't even need to make this about your baby, just get the brothers to do their bit for their parents.

[Daydream Believer]

Ash- Tell them your are having a holiday at the same time thats why you are staying in a motel and tell them you'll visit a couple of days and you would like to go out a couple of days. Like "family outings" that way they can still see the baby but you wont have to be at their house all the time. So say you are going for 7 days, Day 1: Your time, Day 2:visit at their house, Day 3: Go out somewhere with them, Day 4: Your time, Day 5: Visit them, Day 6: Go out somewhere, Day 7: drop past on the way home.
Even if when you are "going out" for the day just go to a picnic ground, or nice hotel/cafe/resturant for lunch/dinner.
Make out that you are having a holiday and you will see them as often as possible while still doing your own thing.

Thats my idea anyway

[The[cookie]Doctor]

Yeah i would say that's the best way to go about it.
Maybe i can introduce the 15 minutes of fame to them... :P
If the two of them could do one block everyday they'd slowly get there...
Thank you for your positive suggestions!

[MrsFabuloso]

Oh Ash, I could have written your post about my IL's. In fact I did just write something similar in my baby buddies group, whinging about the mess and filth they live in. But we very rarely see them, thankfully, they live in Nth Qld and we're in Sydney. We can rarely afford to fly to see them and they refuse to come to Sydney. Is it possible for you to stay with other friends or relatives when visiting? Make an excuse like they have such a full house with themselves and the other children, you didn't want to impose too much, or maybe if your friends have kids you could say you thight it better to stay with people with kids so as not to disturb them so much with a crying baby (iykwim)? Next time we go to our IL's we're staying with a close family friend whose just around the corner from IL's. They have airconditioning, which IL's don't and I can't stand the heat there, I get heat exhaustion and sick, so I have a good excuse. Plus I'll have two babies in the heat too. DD doesn't do the heat well either and was so sweaty and hot in their house.
When we went there recently, with 8 mth old DD, she would come up from crawling around for an hour or so with black hands and tops of her feet from the dirty carpet. Her finger nails were black and she had dust and dirt in all of her creases just from playing as she normally does at home, not even from outside. In fact I think outside would have been cleaner for her!! I follower her everywhere and could not sit down for fear of her eating something disgusting or as Ryn said, getting buried in a pile of cr@p. I'm the same with leaving her with IL's too, I jsut couldn't do it. DH was excited as he wanted to go to the movies and to dinner, but I just couldn't leave her. I kept imagining oming home and she's been in the toilet or eaten a ****roach or something horrible. They just don't have the same thoughts on what hygenic or clean or how to 'look' after a baby- ie run after a crawling bubba.
I can totally understand what you're saying. I love my IL's and they were so TOTALLY smittlen with Lil, and I felt guilty thinking what I did, but I couldn't help it. I am no clean freak, but I am very hygenic. I have clothes on my floors and dishes in the sink, but I DO NOT have ****roaches in the kitchen and DD doesn't come up with dirty hands and feet even at the end of the day....I'm getting chills up my spine thinking about it!!

[The[cookie]Doctor]

Sal - thanks for your input, something like thought should hopefully work out well!

Kel - thanks for posting that - was good to read something similar so that i don't feel like such of a b**ch about it all. Is always good to know that someone else has been where you're coming from, so to speak. The black hands and dirt in creases is exactly what i was thinking when i was writing the post.

I still know that to a degree i will get over it because i really don't want to deny them the opportunity to see their grandchild/ren, but all of your feedback has given me ideas about how i might be able to help and avoid the, sticky situation.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Do you have anything like the TV programme How Clean Is Your House? in Australia? I'd get Kim and Aggie to clean the house before you went round LOL. (Maybe you can google it or check out their website.)

I know you don't want to deny them seeing their grandchild, but your little lad is your child more than he is their grandchild IYSWIM and you really shouldn't have to put him in a potentially unsafe situation just to keep on the good side of the in-laws.