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Thread: Need MORE advice...

  1. #1

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    Question Need MORE advice...

    Okay here we go again!

    I left XH in early October. He's been trying to get back with me pretty much ever since. However, about two weeks ago he's said he's trying to give me some space to heal. Which is fine by me. We talk pretty much every second day, always about the kids and arrangements for them. We've sorted out the property issues which is good too. We're sharing the kids on a fairly hectic roster, but it is working for the kids. Every time I go over to XH's place (a couple of times a week) for changeover, he gives me huge hugs. Up until a couple of weeks ago, when I told him I wasn't really comfortable with that much touching, and was okay with hugs only, he'd be looking for kisses etc too.

    Anyway, I went over to XH's house this morning to pick up the kids, everything was normal, XH wanted a hug etc before he left. I packed up the kids and came home.

    Alex has been constipated the last few days, so I asked him what he had for dinner last night. "Nothing. Daddy's friend came over". I replied "which friend?" He said "she's a girl." He didn't know her name. She and Daddy ate dinner together. XH has one friend who is a guy, and no female friends, so I have no idea who this woman is. She wasn't there at 6:45am this morning when I arrived.

    Don't get me wrong, I'm VERY Happy if XH has someone else. It will really help him get over me (which is an issue - he's really clingy).

    However, I am concerned that he might be introducing someone to the kids already. They're only three-and-a-half and fourteen months. I don't mind him having a "friend", I'm not comfortable with a "friend" being introduced to the kids unless it's going to be a long term thing.

    Then again, she might have just been a friend, and not anything more!



    So what do I do? Do I ask XH who the friend is and why he's introduced her to the kids? What if she's just a friend, and I'm over-reacting? I don't want XH to get the idea that I'm jealous, because I'm definitely not, I just don't want the kids getting confused about who lives where. It's only been two months, which I don't think is enough for children who are this young to be introduced to a new "friend", IYKWIM?

    I just don't know what to do.

  2. #2

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    Can you approach it jokingly? As in like "Your son dobbed you in! HA!" kinda way? Then say "thats fantastic bla blah blah" and then maybe just bring up "How did you explain it to the kids" and if he asks why say "I'll need to think about it soon too.." and then just discuss it iykwim? That way it remains light hearted and he gets the idea that you definitley are NOT jealous!

    Goodluck div

    *mwa*
    Cailin

  3. #3

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    I would take the light handed approach too, especially if you do have a good parenting relationship still. Asking him for pointers on how he did the introduction is a great idea.

  4. #4

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    Oh Divvy ... I so know how you feel right now and I have no answers for you really.

    I seperated from my XH in Sept 1999 and moved back to Adelaide in Oct 1999. He rang me New Years Day 2000 to tell me that he was engaged! I just laughed and said ok. I knew he had a gf as the kids had told me about her. He has quite a few gf since we split and the kids have met all of them ... they are now old enough to understand but he seems to have settled down a bit with his latest gf, who he is going to marry, according to the kids! I have never once had any feelings of jealousy ... I did leave him, why would I be jealous!!!

    I would just casually bring it up in coverstation ... "Alex said you had a friend over the other night?" See what he says ... then take it from there!

    Good luck

    Cheers

  5. #5

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    Divvy, I'm with you on it being too early to introduce someone else if its not going to be permanent.

    My ex did the exact same thing, he wanted us to get back together, and after 3 months when I finally said its not going to happen, no chance, he had a new gf within a week, and they moved in together not long afterwards. He's the type of person that 'needs' to be with someone else.

    Anyway, I said straight out, who is she and whats going on. I told him I wasn't cool with the whole thing cause I think its such a huge life change for the kids when the parents seperate and I think suddenly seeing mum or dad with someone else. I know you can't stop it happeneing, but I tried to explain to my ex that I didn't mind that she was around (I was the same as you, someone new meant he'd leave me alone) but to introduce her as a friend and for a while infront of Ashlea keep the whole 'relationship' part seperate

    As some of you know on here, the new gf turned out to be a crazy psycho jealous freak that has caused so so many problems between me, Ashlea and her dad, and theres not a thing you can do about it

    The best you can do it talk to your ex about it, just explain that the kids said he has a female friend over, and thatyour happy for him, but that its a big think for the kids to understand and accept and to make it easier on the children, would be mind infront of the kids keeping up the 'friends' thing for a while until everyone knows each other better etc. He'll either tell you its none of your business, or tell you she's just a friend or tell you he's seeing someone, but trust me, it gets complicated no matter how much you try and keep it simple, so try from the start to be open and honest and just talk to him

    Oh, and cross your fingers and toes and legs and arms and anything else you can cross that he hasn't found someone like the crazy [email protected]*!& my ex did!

    Let us know how things go Divvy

  6. #6

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    I might be being silly, but I was more concerned that Alex had no dinner due to the "friend" being over. Maybe that is a way to approach it, mention that Alex said he had no dinner and maybe ask why.

  7. #7

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    Definitely not silly... I read that as "nothing important" but now that you mention it...

    *hugs*
    Cailin

  8. #8

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    Alex not eating dinner is a little unusual. He's been constipated (requiring laxatives) twice in the last week, so I am concerned if he's not eating. I'm sure both boys have been pretty stressed out by what's happening. However, Ned seems to have adjusted much better than Alex, I've now got Ned sleeping through the night after 13 months of getting up a few (read lots of) times a night! So yes, Alex not eating is a concern.

    I like the idea of the light hearted approach, ie "your son dobbed you in", I think that might be the way to go. I'm still a little concerned that XH might think I'm jealous though. Definitely want to raise with him the "friend" as opposed to "relationship" thing, I think it will really confuse the boys if Daddy is all over somebody who's not Mummy, IYKWIM!

    I'm also a little confused as to why he didn't tell me, he's told me pretty much everything else!

    I guess I'm a little pi$$ed off as well, I mean, they're my kids too, I know legally I don't have a say in what he does when the kids are with him, but I would have thought that this type of behaviour is something that ought to be discussed first.

    And wierd as it might sound, I also want to meet the "friend" before she meets the kids... not "vetting" as such, but just to make sure that she's okay...

  9. #9

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    Am I just a wierd control freak?

  10. #10

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    I too was wondering more so about Alex not being fed, Div from what I have read he sounds totally selfish.. Not contacting his DD & now not feeding the kids coz he's having dinner with a friend..
    I would be pretty angry by it, but at the same time afraid he'd think I was jealous, so amybe loosely bring it up as Cailin says, but maybe add that the kids still need to be fed if he has a friend over too!!!!


    * No not a weird control freak Div, just a caring Mother! Its' normal... I'd also not want any old chicky babe doing stuff with my kids, I know my Auntie's XH whom didnt want to move on, met a chjick that was so jeralous of the boys she put blocks of wood wedged under their doors so they couldnt get out after she had put them to bed so she could canoodle with their Dad, needless to say he soon left her!!!
    Last edited by Tracey; December 22nd, 2006 at 09:26 AM.

  11. #11

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    Nah perfectly normal reaction... unless I'm a control freak too...

    In an ideal world we'd love a tv sitcom type situation where everyone sits down and discusses things, worries about their previous partners or their children but unfortunately it ain't always so. Is he a cake and eat it too kind a guy? Do you think he wouldn't want you to know just on the off chance he thought you two could patch things up (Yeah I know hell's gotta freeze first but it sounded like he's still hopeful).

    *hugs*
    Cailin

  12. #12

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    I think it is a normal reaction. I believe as parents we have the right to know who are children are with, regardless of whether they are with the other parents, grandparents, friends etc especially where there is the potential for that person to play a significant role in the childs life (eg step parent)

  13. #13

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    Divvy, I think that wating to meet her is normal, you want to know the kind of poeple around your children. I absolutely flipped out the first time Ashlea told me that Jenna took her to the park while daddy has a sleep. I couldnt stand the idea of Ashlea being left with her, and as much as i know i can't stop it, you want to be able to!

    Maybe say to him that your happy to agree to being open an honest about other partners, eg you'd let him know if your seeing soemone else and vice vera so that you can both be open and honest and talk if something is affecting the kids.

  14. #14

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    When I left, he desperately wanted to know if I had anyone else "lined up", which was so not the case it wasn't funny.

    He also whined and whinged and insisted on knowing if there ever was anyone else, so that his "heart didn't get broken again", and "he might never get used to it, but may be able to handle it one day".

    Wierd how I'm supposed to tell him but he won't/didn't tell me????

    I'm glad I'm not being a complete control freak! I guess I still feel a little guilty about leaving, even though I know it was completely for the best IYKWIM! I know I'm never going back, but still... I feel a little strange about him being with someone else!

    And what is it about this cool change bringing such wierd winds? I feel like there's a mini tornado coming through Balwyn!

  15. #15

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    He probably sees it in a totally different way to what you do. Or else his friend is just a friend and not a 'friend' kwim? He may not even count her as a serious thing to worry about telling you? But that brings it back to him not telling the boys if it isn't serious.

  16. #16

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    Yep, that's exactly my dilemma.

  17. #17

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    If any "friend" is stopping him from feeding his son, that's a bad friend! If I had a new bloke (as a friend or boyf, or even a new girlfriend for that matter) who had children coming over, I'd make sure the children were well fed - but I'd still expect him (or her) to make sure the children were eating. If your XH and his friend aren't bothered about feeding your children, I'd call him up to say he was dobbed in... that he can't be bothered to feed his children when he's playing with his friends! Don't say "female friend", just "friends" in the abstract so he knows you're more concerned about his level of parenting (and his new friend's level of parenting) rather than if he's dating or not.

  18. #18

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    Div, not a control freak, you just know when something doesn't make sense.
    Heres MHO - guys will hang on to you (when you leave THEM) , until they find someone else to fill the spot, they can do it real quick and even if you don't give a rats it can still jar you a little. He may even want the boys to dob him in to test your reaction. This stuff is far from over, the breakup hasn't really been tested yet. Just wait till he breaks up with a chick and then rings you whining and drunk about how he is so hard done by (oops sorry - that's my life!).

    Aaanyway - why don't you try writing a letter and give it to him to read next time you pick up the boys. Something along the lines of - look we haven't addressed this yet and it feels wierd to be doing so but I would like to sort out this situation out before it happens. If and when I become interested in someone else *rah, rah* I want you to know that I will not be introducing them to the children until I have established blah, blah, blah and I hope you could do the same. Explain it is not about you and your feeling (or lack of them) towards him, and even if/when you are ready to hit the scene again the children may not be ready for it and this is that main concern.
    Him seing someone else is totally up to him, but it is far too early for the kids. This whole "daddys new friend" crap always ****es me off as most children are not fooled at all.
    I think if you do it now, it can avoid any more bollocks from him, because if you do object later he will read it as 1) you still really love him or 2) remind you that YOU left him and if you hadn't this problem wouldn;t be happening now.whine.

    good Luck Div,

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