To Smack or Not To Smack (Children 2 y.o.+)

[BellyBelly]

In relation to an article I am compiling for the main site, this poll is to see what percent of BB members smack and don't smack their children. The poll is anonymous, so please be honest There is no right or wrong answer. Please only vote if you have a child 2 years or older.

Feel free to discuss or comment, inflammatory remmarks will be removed - let's keep it nice and civil and supportive

[lilima]

As James is only 10 months old, he really hasn't done anything yet that is intentionally naughty/dangerous. As a child my DH was smacked so hard by his father that he used to have bruises, so he is adament that he will never do the same to our DS.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I can't vote yet, but there's no option for me! I choose not to smack (even when DS is grabbing me, I ask him to let go politely before removing his hand, then thanking him - he is so clever he doesn't need me to remove the hand any more, he does it himself), however if DS does something dangerous that could get him killed (running away from me near a road... not that he'll ever have the chance to!) then I will give him a smack bum - he didn't listen to me so got hurt. My giving him a smack is a lot better than a car giving him a smack. I am hoping that he will always listen and I'll always prevent those things so will never need to smack though! I won't smack because he is playing with his toys and not helping me, however. Only in life-or-death situations when he doesn't listen to my verbal warnings and is old enough to understand these warnings.

[*EmJa*]

I wont smack DD, IMO there is other ways to discipline my child. DP was smacked as a kid, with belts, wooden spoon, kettel cords and so on, and never stopped him. i was only ever smakced if i had done something really really bad.

i will tap DD on the hand sometimes and say no, but now she will stop when i say no. im sure when she gets older i will get frustrated at times and threaten too smack!!!

[Nadine216]

Smack sound so cruel (sounds like slap), but I am a firm believer of a tap to the bottom under the right circumstances and as a form of loving dicsipline. My parents did it to me and my sisters when we where growing up and although at that precise moment it seemed unfair and hurt like hell, it was done with so much love that I don't have bad memmories or connections to being tapped on the bum. Granted my parents NEVER hit us in anger and NEVER bruised us and NEVER BUT NEVER slapped us in the face. Always a tap on the bum and then you were left to cry it out. After that you would be huged and you would say that you were sorry and that you understand why you have been tapped. You would get a HUGE hug and lots of I-love-u's and then it's over. (if you are lucky - ice-cream)
It is the way I am going to raise my daughter. I would try other methods to (no TV ect), but tapping the butt would be my choice. I would also wait until she is big enough to understand why she is in trouble, I am not hitting my six month old!!
I know some of you would not agree, but then I don't agree on not tapping a bottom. PLEASE, I don't approve of slapping or hitting with an sjambok or a fist. I know that there are some ppl that treat their childern like adults by hitting them to hard. I hate that also.

[mummycate]

i should add that i voted before reading kelly's post. i actually have never smacked dd, she's not naughty, only six months old. but i voted on what i would do, which was, hand tapping. my mother used to smack me and my brother and use a belt. dad only hit us once or twice ever. just knowing he was mad was scary enough without needing a smack. mum used to yell all the time and smack first, go to your room later. i vow to never do that. but there are times where there is no solution. i see in my head myself hitting or throwing dd when she won't stop screaming but it scares the hell outta me that i even think that. i put her down somewhere and go and calm down. i never want to hurt her. i feel the naughty corner is ridiculous but time-outs are great. when i babysat when younger, i used time out a lot. even with parent's permission to give a smack when child is REALLY misbehaving, i never did. once a tap on the hand as i told them not to touch the large knife i was using to make their dinner. i said don't touch and they did, just to defy me. so i tapped them on the hands. but i never smacked them, as i do not want to lose their trust. i didn't want them to not like me and hate me babysitting. but i do know there needs to be a line between parenting and friendship with your children. i don't like people smacking their children, but sometimes the shock makes it work. but there are other ways to discipline. most of us were hit by our parents and so most of us refuse to hit our children.

[~mandy~]

Hi There,

I was talkin about this with my dad the other day too. I think there is a strong line between disiplin and abuse.

As long as that line does not get crossed then i don't have a problem with a parent choosing to disiplin their child with a smack on the bum. Never did me any harm.

[MantaRay]

As a logical person I find it hard to reconcile smacking with teaching a child that violence is not the answer. Especially if it is violent behaviour (smacking, biting etc) that you are trying to stop. However, DH had the view that it did him no harm (matter of opinion that one really ) so we trialled it for a bit when Jack had turned two and started the behaviours that go along with that. I felt it important to validate DH's parenting views as I am the primary caregiver and often do things "my way". But I am very pleased to report that we both came to the conclusion that smacking was the least effective method of discipline that we had tried. So DH suggested we stop (hooray!!) and we did. Jack's behaviour improved once we stopped smacking. Instead now, we spend lots of time talking and explaining things to Jack, we use the naughty spot, and if he refuses to stay then we stay with him and count down the time out aloud. We also take toys away, and once when he threw his plate, sandwich and all on the floor, we put him to bed early (and he's never done that since!!). These methods take more time, but it's worth it. They are more effective and make for a happier child (IMO!!).

[BellyBelly]

Here's the article by the way

I have also asked people to vote on this topic who already have kids and they are 2+ because I think while you may have some preconceived ideas before you have children, many do change when you do have kids, and I also think these behaviours change in the ages too. I don't know many people who would smack a 6 month old baby but I have seen older kids being smacked. So just trying to get a more accurate picture.

[babygiggles]

I only tap my children on the hands to warn them....

But i could also go into the frustration option too...

Great article Kelly!

[MantaRay]

I think that it's a great article and hope it helps other parents who are struggling to find ways to effectively discipline. The thing that struck me in all the stories is that no-one felt GOOD after smacking - in fact they all felt bad. I can totally relate to this, both DH and I were nearly in tears ourselves each time we smacked Jack, it felt so wrong and so cruel. If smacking had had a postivie effect on Jack's behaviour instead of a negative one, I would have put it down to "mother guilt" and one of things that we have to do as parents that isn't always easy. But given the results, I can truly say that we felt that way for a reason - there are better ways (for us anyway).

[Liz]

Well I can't vote yet.. DS isn't 2! We do tap him on his hand, and I sometimes tap him on the leg when he's being stubborn and won't stop climbing up on the back of the lounge (you'd think falling off and bruising his head so many times would teach him - but no LOL)

We don't want to continue the smacking and plan to use other methods once we can find his 'currency' (to steal a Dr Phil term LOL). There's nothing yet that I can deprive him of, or take away. Altho we're finding just holding him firmly on our laps so he can't get away is working, so we do that now. So at the moment his currency is his freedom! LOL. We've tried sitting him in the corner, but he doesn't last very long, then it becomes a battle over that.. so holding him in our laps as the norty corner works atm

[beckles]

i have never smacked my children, nor will i ever. i just think for our family it doesn't fit. I really believe that violence begets violence and i see smacking as a form of violence - this is just my belief for my family. My kids are really happy, polite, respectful, easy going kids, we do use consequences for behaviour that are clear and rely on the children's choices. we really focus on the positive stuff they do to encourage them to continue that behaviour and ignore or use natural consequences for unacceptable behaviour in our home. we lead by example and are really very happy in our choice not to use punitive punishment. i was very severely beaten as a child, by both parents, and although this was at the very extreme just couldn't imagine ever laying a hand on someone ever.

I had a discussion, actually, last week with josh (12), he saw something on a tv show about smacking children. He was absolutely horrified. I realised he actually had no idea that alot of parents smack their children as a form of discipline. Actually he wouldn't believe me for quite some time. I went through the names of some people we know that have smacked their children and he was just flabbagasted by it. I really hadn't thought about discussing other people's parenting styles with him before and realised he really had no clue that this was a lot of people's choice. His easy 12 year old answer to it "well it's just wrong, it should be against the law" - hmmm if only it was that easy hey.
with respect to all
beckles

[BellyBelly]

[zap]

Doesn't work for us so that's a no.

[RhiChiChi]

I didn't originally vote on this b/c DD was just a newborn. However, I voted 'I have smacked my children in the past but I don't anymore' as in I used to tap my DD on the hand (when she was younger) but I don't anymore. I use 1,2,3 (three chances for her to change her behaviour then a consequence such as time out or fav. toy taken off her) or time out (time in didn't work for us.. maybe it was my method??)

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Well, I posted earlier. But it isn't an issue. And DS thinks that grabbing people's backsides is a great game given the reactions he gets (darn you DH for teaching him that one!) so a tap on the bottom is done in love, rather than as discipine.

Never smacked, just used sweet reason, time in and got DS to apologise. If he's too stubborn and it's a major issue, then time out until he will apologise. Also taught him to stop at roads at a young age so my above example of running in front of a car isn't applicable.

[AnyDream]

Well I can't vote because there isn't an option that says "I have very occasionally smacked as a highly unusual event but I don't support widespread smacking because there are far more effective techniques"

I think your option about frustration probably oversimplifies what is a fairly complex set of motivations when an anti-smacking parent does occasionally smack.