Very well said, Dianne (and others!). I'm watching a friend suffer at the hands of her resident scumbag's pathetic mind games and emotional abuse and manipulation, and it sucks that all I can do is be there for her when she needs support, and let her know that what is going on in their relationship is wrong. Ultimately the choice to stay or go lies with her, and having been in an abusive relationship before, it's tough for me to know what is happening and not being able to convince her to pack up and run, but I know her situation, her personality, all the circumstances are different to mine. So all I can do is support her and hope that she finds the courage to make that move when she's ready, and hope that no harm will come to her in the meantime or afterwards.

As a PP said, nothing in this world is black and white. We may find it hard to relate, or to understand, why people make the choices they do, but in reality the 'system' talks a big game but isn't there when it comes to the crunch. My MIL followed all the rules and had an order in place to stop my FIL contacting her or coming near her - but a piece of paper didn't stop him hiding in the bushes in her backyard and shooting her in the chest as she walked to the car on her way to work one Wednesday morning. The system can't provide adequate protection, only act after the fact, and in many cases, it's simply too late.

None of us can judge another's situation. Some abusers can and do change, but it definitely pays to be mindful of the fact that many don't, and trying to work on some issues is a lost cause. Some women stay for fear of what will happen if they leave. Others stay because they're afraid of being alone, or don't realise that they deserve better. In some cases, it all boils down to individual definitions of abuse - eg, a couple of the 'warning signs' in the OP's article are things that DH and I do (eg calling to check in with each other), but we're certainly not in an abusive relationship, it's not as clear-cut as 'x, y and z mean you're being abused, get out now', kwim?

I have pointed out to my friend that what her boyfriend is doing to her is totally wrong. Unfortunately she meets practically all the criteria for emotional abuse, and I've seen this poor excuse for a man's ego in action - he's not fooling me at all. But it's not up to me what my friend does, all I can do is tell her how I see it and hope that she will make the best decisions for herself and her kids without things coming down to crisis point.

Big hugs to all those who have survived, are living it, or trying to support friends and family who are caught in a toxic relationship. Thanks to those who have shared their painful stories. It's a really tough issue to tackle.