Why women blame other women for being victims of domestic violence

[Catastrophic]

I hope no-one thinks I was having a go. I think it's courageous that people have shared some of their stories. No, I don't understand, but hopefully reading some of this will help me understand a bit better.

Can I ask, if you think someone is being abused, but they don't think they are, what is the best way to handle it? Say nothing? Say something? If I think of saying something, I try to be diplomatic. But sometimes it's so frustrating when it's the same problem, different day and nothing changes. There's only so many times I can be told to back off before I will, indeed, back off. I'm one of those people who feels pain at reading some things people post about their lives. In the end, I have to turn away because it hurts too much that someone is choosing to stay or choosing to not get help. I know it's not about me when someone is dealing with I dont know what kind of homelife, but I do have to look after my own emotional wellbeing.

As for choice. Some of life's choices are breathtakingly, heart shatteringly difficult to make. But they are still choices and not making a choice is a choice in itself.

My best friend, and the reason why she is my best friend in the whole world, said something. she listened. she advised. But the best part was she never really pushed or gave me an ultimatum (if you dont leave I cant be around you). I love her to death, because she stood beside me through all the crap, she gave her advice (which was sometimes hard to hear, but I loved her for it) She often got very frustrated and we would take a break from talking for her own mental health, I leaned on her a lot, and looking back I get it wouldn't of been easy on her, But I am so so thankful that I had her to go through it with... So I guess I am saying. Say something, but be kind. It's a really ****ty situation. And sometimes it's the lessor of two evils staying... Just because the relationship ends doesn't mean the abuse does...

[Kazbah]

so much sharing in this thread - thankyou all ladies for sharing.

Tashy, I have a friend who is in an abusive relationship, and have shown them what it is. I have shown them articles about the cycle of abuse and diarised what's happening in their relationship and shown it in black and white - and this has given a non-judgemental evidence. Recognising patterns in the relationship and planning what to do when the triggers were there - it's easier from the outside, and I found that by highlighting those and putting support there *before* the fact, it helped show what was really happening.

My friend is lucky, now that their spouse is no longer drinking, the abuse has stopped. But I still listen for those triggers ...

[Footsteps]

my aunty left my uncle and he nearly killed her she now has 32 metal plates holding her face together, originally 40. both lungs punctured and every rib broke she now suffers COPD and emphysema.
shes had to have skull and rib used to rebuild her nose and will have to have her rib cage replaced with a mesh type product as her ribs are that badly broken as she ages they bones will shrink and crush her lungs unless its done.
shed been with him 28 years and left and he knew she wasn't going back.
he was a very sick man though but it can and does happen. iv asked her why she stayed for so long and she said a)she was to scared to leave as he had told her he would kill her and b)she thought she loved him.
i think there are so many reasons a woman stays and its not anyone's place to judge unless they have walked a mile in their shoes.
my uncle committed suicide after leaving my aunty to die for 37 hours after the attack.
i think alot of abusers know how to hide it extremely well.
xxx

[PumpkinZulu]

I totally agree...and tbh I don't think choosing to leave is always in the best interests of the 'victim' at all, for all the reasons you listed RB. But I still see it as a choice, when you break it down and take out all those shades of grey...which sounds simple in theory, but so isn't in the real world.

[*LittleMissSummer*]

And the worst thing about DV is the nightmare doesn't stop once the victim leaves the relationship, it haunts them for the rest of their life. The bruises heal but the emotional scars don't.

[bubno.3]

OMG i feel the god or whoever made me come back to BB this evening:

my experience was awlful and it was all emotional rejecting psychological crap but my own mum doesnt believe me she honestly believes my ex husband over me (i was married 2 yrs F F S) My mum thinks i made a horrific mistake in leaving and i must have my fathers genes .

I think it is unbelievable the way my whole family reacted to my dilema .... stuck there heads in the sand

[Catastrophic]

Sorry PZ but i don't agree with that. Leaving a DV relationship is harder than staying IMO. And i have major issues with women who stay and subject themselves and children to that life.

to all that women who have unfortunately experienced these situations.

Your major issues has nothing on there's hun!


Love MN ;-)

[Yas]

Your major issues has nothing on there's hun!


Love MN ;-)

I should rephrase- as a child of DV relationship, that is my view. My mother stayed 'too long'. It almost cost her her life and myself and siblings our childhood.
She has now entered into another relationship much the same.

[StrawberryFields]

That was a really interesting read thanks for sharing RB! I know I've looked at news stories and talk show stories before and thought those same things, it never even occurred to me that I was blaming the victim - thats a scary thought!

I'm lucky that nobody I know (that I'm aware of) is in one of those situations - my apologies to those who do have loved ones there, or who are/have been there themselves - but now if one of my friends ever does find him/herself there then I'll know what to do and more importantly what NOT to do.

I wonder if they looked at the reactions of men if they would see the same behaviour? Particularly when its a male victim in question too... I would think its not just a female thing to accidentally blame the wrong person, but the mind works in mysterious ways.

[loulabelle]

For anyone who is supporting someone through a DV relationship please, please remember that you don't have to support their choice but to just let them know that you are there to support them. To know that they have someone at the end of the phone line gives enormous security.

Regards,
Dianne

I think that it's the best advice dianne. I know for me people just thought I should leave (and yes I should have and eventually did) but were not going to support me unless that was my plan. I felt very alone, very ashamed and felt I couldnt tell anyone. it hurt my pride so much when I finally did speak up and tell my parents.
It's quite strange that the person who I thank most for helping finally leave is a man I worked with at the time. We became very close, in a platonic way, and he just let me talk, he never judged. Alrhough he told me I didnt deserve it, he never put pressure on me that I must leave. He also made me realise that there is loving men out there, men that would never do that do that type of thing. I don't see him anymore as he moved away shortly after I left my partner, but I regret not taking how thankful for his support I am.

It's so easy to blame the victim. But, the victim already blames themselves, so if we do blame them, who have they got on their side?


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[Glamourcide]

Very well said, Dianne (and others!). I'm watching a friend suffer at the hands of her resident scumbag's pathetic mind games and emotional abuse and manipulation, and it sucks that all I can do is be there for her when she needs support, and let her know that what is going on in their relationship is wrong. Ultimately the choice to stay or go lies with her, and having been in an abusive relationship before, it's tough for me to know what is happening and not being able to convince her to pack up and run, but I know her situation, her personality, all the circumstances are different to mine. So all I can do is support her and hope that she finds the courage to make that move when she's ready, and hope that no harm will come to her in the meantime or afterwards.

As a PP said, nothing in this world is black and white. We may find it hard to relate, or to understand, why people make the choices they do, but in reality the 'system' talks a big game but isn't there when it comes to the crunch. My MIL followed all the rules and had an order in place to stop my FIL contacting her or coming near her - but a piece of paper didn't stop him hiding in the bushes in her backyard and shooting her in the chest as she walked to the car on her way to work one Wednesday morning. The system can't provide adequate protection, only act after the fact, and in many cases, it's simply too late.

None of us can judge another's situation. Some abusers can and do change, but it definitely pays to be mindful of the fact that many don't, and trying to work on some issues is a lost cause. Some women stay for fear of what will happen if they leave. Others stay because they're afraid of being alone, or don't realise that they deserve better. In some cases, it all boils down to individual definitions of abuse - eg, a couple of the 'warning signs' in the OP's article are things that DH and I do (eg calling to check in with each other), but we're certainly not in an abusive relationship, it's not as clear-cut as 'x, y and z mean you're being abused, get out now', kwim?

I have pointed out to my friend that what her boyfriend is doing to her is totally wrong. Unfortunately she meets practically all the criteria for emotional abuse, and I've seen this poor excuse for a man's ego in action - he's not fooling me at all. But it's not up to me what my friend does, all I can do is tell her how I see it and hope that she will make the best decisions for herself and her kids without things coming down to crisis point.

Big hugs to all those who have survived, are living it, or trying to support friends and family who are caught in a toxic relationship. Thanks to those who have shared their painful stories. It's a really tough issue to tackle.

[~clover~]

Fear. Whether its the right choice or not, has nothing to do with it. It's fear.

A single woman is one thing. Kids is completely different. The abuser will do anything in their power to make you stay. Including threatening the kids. So a mothers choice... stay, knowing I'm the only one being abused, or go, putting my kids lives at risk.

The only choice can be to disappear off the face of the earth. How do you do that? Specially if you can't tell friends or family out of fear they'll let it slip, or even get hurt themselves.

Kids access. 'you take my kids away from me, I'll kill you'. How do you hide from someone when they're entitled to access their kids?

& how the hell do you stop that person from just walking in your door & never leaving? Call the cops? & have the abuser say hello too? What's going to happen between that phone call & the police getting there?

Try being the person who has tried to open up to a friend. But then have that person excited you finally look like you are getting back together.

Parents who hear of abused women, & tell you they need to wake up & keep their men happy.

As said, put yourself in that persons shoes.

Sorry, not much relation to the article, but some points that might help with understanding. It's just as hard when you know you're being abuses.

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[~clover~]

Yeah. That's true. I haven't been in that place, so don't understand the abuse with no kids side of it as well.

Some are made to believe they can't survive alone.

Good thing about the other side of mine. Laziness! I've learnt I can do it alone. Because I was made to do it all. So now I can. I don't need anyone. Problem is that I can't see myself ever accepting help from anyone, because I've never been allowed to ask for it.

I will never be able to completely trust & feel comfortable with anyone again. I will never be able to show someone I care about them again.

Some days its easier pretending I'm happy that either being alone forever, or hurting someone else because of that.....

It's just never as simple as you think.

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[BlackCat]

I think one of the important factors to remember is like someone else pointed out - just because they leave doesnt mean the abuse stops. It may even esculate. Especially when there are children of the relationship as there is now a legally binding tie to the abuser for the next 18 years. The abuse after leaving may feel worse for their victim simply because they are now aware of the fact that their partner is abusive but they cant stop all of it. Really it can all boil down to a case of the lessor of two evils.