Hi, single lesbian who can't stop thinking about babies!!

[Shades]

I'm 24 and have been wanting to have a child since I was 17 or so, never seem to find a compatible partner and now that I'm in a stable home situation for the first time in 5 years, I'm thinking about maybe just going it alone... I have plenty of family support, I live with my mum and six-year-old brother.

Would be interested in chatting to other queer mums in the area (Caboolture and surrounds) to get an idea of what I'd be in for... Have some concerns as well that I may not be a good mum due to some mental illness issues - anyone out there who can reassure me or tell me I'm right to be concerned?

Also, do people think it's irresponsible of me to consider getting pregnant when I'm not well-off financially? I'm having a lot of guilt-issues...

[nickel]

Shades! That's such a difficult place to be in! I'm not a single mum so I can only comment on what the single mums I know go through. But I do have aaah, "mental issues", and depending on what they are, they can sometimes help you be an even better mum! I'd have a chat with your caregiver (GP, psychiatrist or whatever) about that side of things.

I don't think having a baby should ever be just a financial decision, but we are living in the real world so you do need to take it into account. You do get the baby bonus but that only goes so far and doesn't cover you forever. I know you are with your mum, but do you independant way of supporting yourself? Could you live of the Government payouts alone? (maybe try living this way for a couple of weeks ot see what it's like) Remember you are very young (you are!!) and you have a lot of time to work through your issues (mental, financial etc)

I don't know if it would help your baby urges which can be so strong they drive you nuts! But maybe try focussing on your nephew or volunteering to help out others with babies, just to get out some of that maternal need? It's very hard, when you look around everyone in the world seems to have babies except you!! Whatever you decide, good luck on your journey!

[krisp]

With regards to the financial issues - my theory is you will never have enough money to get married, never have enough money to buy a house and never have enough money to start a family. If you believe in your heart that you are ready to be a Mum then start investigating your options. Good luck, I hope your dream becomes reality for you very soon.

[Shades]

Thanks guys... I've got a GP app. in June so I was planning to discuss some stuff then - thing is I've just moved up from Melbourne so it's my first app. with her, lots of stuff to sort out and she doesn't know me from Adam so it doesn't quite seem fair to ask her opinion just yet about how fit I am to be a mum!

I get lots of contact with babies every time I pick Riley up from school (they jokingly call this Conception Bay!) because we wait around for the kids and most of his classmates have baby siblings who come with mum to pick them - so I get to Ooh and Aah and cuddle them, but it's not enough!

I used to live off what I get on Newstart, it's doable as long as I'm sharing rent with someone else. My mum's promised me though that I don't ever have to move out if I don't want to, she knows it's hard 'cause of being sick.

I just don't know if I can reconcile my desire with my guilt, I keep thinking I'm just being selfish...

[smiles4u]

I just wanted to make a point in saying 'Government Handouts' as mentioned by a previous members comment are not there to support people purely because they want a baby

... I worked & paid my taxes for over 20years before I had my 1st baby at 40 ... I too had many baby desires for many years BUT could NEVER ever end up being one of ' those ' that is happy to suck money out of the hard working tax payer (not all tax payer are rich$, a lot of us struggle too !!!)

My DP earns an above average income (I am home full-time with my daughter now) & after all these years of working & paying taxes I can't even get a Concession card to get cheap fare on a bus.

I take the local bus sometimes & pay full fare, & it gets my blood boiling when I see so many young Mother's usually with more than one child pay concession. They are so young, it would be lucky if they have worked for 5yrs of their life, if any at all

... SHADEY I so hope you have some sort of finance$$ coming in of ' your own ' to support this baby ?? If you are working at all do you realise the cost of childcare if you have no one you personally know to look after your child for free whilst you work.

ALL THE VERY BEST IN YOUR DECISION, ... AND YOU WILL HAVE THAT BUBBA ONE DAY WHETHER IT BE SOONER OR LATER

[Shades]

Thanks for your honesty Smiles, I can see where you're coming from with the whole sucking the money out of taxpayers - I've been on government support for more than a couple of years now and feel really guilty about it - but I'm told by family and also by Centrelink staff that I shouldn't - it's not my fault that I am sick and generally unable to work. I'd also have my mum to help with the days that I struggled to look after bub AND me...

That's honestly a big part of the guilt and selfishness issues that I've been stuck on with this whole thing.... So you think that the fact that I'm on support because of being unable to work should mean that I shouldn't be considering having a child?

(I'm seriously not trying to sound facetious or combative here - not sure how to put it exactly though - I am genuinely interested in your thoughts on this - I just sometimes come across wrong)

[2girlz]

Hi Shades,
It's so hard to find a compatible partner these days . Money is one issue babies and kids are really expensive but saying that I lived next to a lady that was a single mum of 2 and she managed to work and live on her own it can be done there is a lot of support.
Goodluck chicky I wish you well

[kitty_kat_48]

Hey Shades,
I just wanted to add my little story and input and opinion in here!
I absolutely know where you are coming from, I'm a 20 year old single lesbian and I'm now officially on the waiting list for donor sperm at a fertility clinic here in Perth. I've been wanting a baby since I was about 14 and have been in a few different relationships, and also tried to get pregnant before, but I have finally decided to do it through a clinic and I'm really happy! So don't stress too much about being young and wanting to do this, and as heaps of other people have said, probably no one will ever really have enough money to do everything they want to do, including having a child, so as long as you think you are going to be able to manage then I think it's probably ok! Just make sure you do as much reading and thinking about everything as you can, because even now that I've been thinking/reading about getting pregnant/having a baby for the last 6 years I know that there is still so much more for me to learn about it and so much more for me to think about it before it actually happens. So in a way I am glad that I have almost a year of a waiting period before I can get pregnant!
I have had some "mental issues" as well, perhaps not anything like yours, but I am getting help with that at the moment because I want to make sure I'm totally ok before I get pregnant. My mum also died last year so I've still been dealing with that and I realise how hard it's going to be once I've had the baby to not have her around to help me, but that's something I've got to deal with! Just make sure you have a good support network once you get pregnant and everything...... it will help a lot!
Anyway.........just wanted to share my little opinion!

[Shades]

Thanks heaps Kitty_Kat... I wish you all the best with your ttc and everything! You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders...

[Indadhanu]

Hi Shades, heard that you are on the TWW. Congrats Have you worked out a parenting agreement with the donor? Please don't underestimate how important that really is, you need to make sure you're all on the same page for bubs sake. I hope you've worked or are working through the guilt you mentioned in your first post. Good luck with TTC

[Shades]

Yeah we have pages and pages of a contract detailing how the donor has NO parental rights or responsibility etc - he won't be named on the certificate etc. My mum was pretty impressed with the thoroughness of it actually. She's really come through for me support-wise - much more than I'd hoped!The guilt is being allayed somewhat by my working through the stuff that made me how I am, and trying to find ways of minimising the risk to my baby in the future, so yeah - it's all coming up roses...
I really hope this one sticks though because my donor is in Melbourne so it's not really doable to try every month - just when I'm down on holiday... so it could take a while!

[Uncle Amy]

hey Shades,
I'm a single mum, been single the whole way - i'd love to chat to you but having a bub on my own means I literally have my hands full most of the day, and night! Feel free to send messages direct if you have any questions, i was on meds for depression throughout the pregnancy and still on them.
gotta go

[Steffi]

Hi Shades, just wanted to say goodluck with ttc. I am also ttc my first baby and also suffer with "mental issues". People can be very judgemental, i plan to be a sahm but have a husband that works full time. Everybody is different and has no right to judge you. Try to move past the guilt, i know how hard that is first hand. Like you i work when i'm doing well but have to take breaks when im not so well. I don't think you can truly understand what it's like unless you've been there. It's admirable that you have had the courage to come out and take on the world, don't let anyone stand in your way hun.