Besides the physical stuff...

[Rouge]

Great point Falguni I feel the same way. For me gentle parenting is not just about how you feed your baby, how you birthed your child or how your child sleeps. I had two different situations, I FF my first after ill advice and BF'ing went sour. I never used cloth, and both my children hated co-sleeping, even though I tried and tried to co-sleep. But I realised that me co-sleeping with my children just because I wanted to wasn't gentle parenting at all, it was moreso me being selfish and wanting them to do something a certain way because I thought it was best, not because it was best for them. But I do think those things are great and if they work for you awesome, but I still think you can be a gentle parent with or without those things.

And on the opposite side, I have known people who cloth, bf, co-sleep but don't follow gentle parenting techniques, so for me like you say they aren't mutually exclusive.

[Arcadia]

Yeah, great points! I also know mums who bfeed, do BLS etc and are into CIO methods!

I think the emotional side of gentle parenting is much more interesting, and is not so visible.

So much of it stems from an awareness that babies are people and not an objective being society recognises as a 'baby'. They are little humans, moulded by our hands. It certainly brings home the weight of responsibility parents hold.

[briggsy's girl]

we're obviously still very early in the game so it's not easy to say exactly what will happen - but we're working on making sure the treatment that i received as a child aren't repeated.

we have started from day one with talking to E as a real little person - yes, we mimic her sounds sometimes to show that we're listening - but we also incorporate it into a normal conversation - ask her what it means and things like that. when she's upset, i talk to her while i'm settling her. i ask her what's wrong - she can't answer, but if i get in the habit of talking to her, it is setting me up for when she CAN tell me. it's small stuff. but we're working on it. she doesn't get anything done to her (nappy change, bib on/off etc) without me talking to her about why. even when she does get disciplined (which we do already) it's with an explanation. she grabs for our glasses so we move her hand away and tell her that she can't do that and why. we're hoping starting like this sets up good habits in ourselves that continue on as she gets older

[butterfly_warrior]

Rouge, I have to admit that I read your first line, threw a minor tantrum myself, ran away and grumped and then came back to read the thread in full.

I guess it's the perspective I have from the influences in my life. My in-laws did the cloth nappies, extended BF, carried their kids in back packs rather than prams and did BLS. They also forced their children into a very structured routine from day one and have always practived controlled crying. In that house it's very much children should be seen and not heard and obedience is valued above all. The closest place I've seen those things that are usually deemed to be part of gentle parenting has been far from gentle at all.

We FF, use disposables, Sam rides in the pram and eats mush... and it often seems that simply doing that disqualifies us from being gentle parents. But, we do those things because they are what suits us as a family and because it's what Sam likes and prefers.

Like BG we're fairly new in the game. But we've talked to Sam like an adult since he was born. We always tell him WHY we're doing things. If he gets into something we say no, ask for it back and then tell him why it's not for Sam. No success on that front yet as he keeps going back to it, but distracting him with something else is working and hopefully the words will make some sort of sense to him eventually! We've always followed the theory that if he's crying he needs something - even if it's just a cuddle, and I'm very pleased to say that we haven't had too many crying fits of unknown source that we've not been able to fix. Sam gets fed when he's hungry, gets put to sleep when he's tired and gets up when he's had enough sleep... we've just been very blessed with an incredibly predictable baby who's put himself into a nice, regular routine.

BW

[onthefly]

As others have said already, I think it's about really being there for your child, both physically and emotionally, whenever they need you.

Listening to your child, knowing them and being responsive to their needs. Like the boss who says 'My door is always open', then walks off to his office, closes the door and insists you make an appointment at a time that is convenient to him, some parents seem to set limits on their availability.

I agree that no parent should be a martyr - we all need time out and rest. but that's where support networks come in, to help us continue in the best interests of our children.*-/---

[Heaven]

Awesome thread. I'm trying to be a gentle parent, not coz it's easy but bc I think it's best for my DD and her development.

Being a gentle parent to me is about following my insticts (no matter if they aren't the same as what my mum tells me to do, i.e. CIO), and being in tune with DDs needs, and being flexible. For example, for the first 6 months of DDs life she wouldn't sleep on her own during the day, I had to hold her. She wasn't naughty or spoilt, that's just obviously what she needed. Now she feels safe and magically at 6 months for some reason she just let me put her down!! She changed when she was ready. Now I always put her down and can have some time to myself but some days if she's not feeling too good for some reason I hold her while she sleeps. Today is one of those days, she's asleep on my lap right now. I have been told I am spoiling her and she's just naughty etc and that I'm creating bad habits. Now I know that's not true, she does things when she's ready and knows that if she needs me I'll be there. I want her to always feel safe and that her needs are important, even if I don't know why she is feeling clingy one day.

I treat her like she is a little person with needs and emotions she just can't communicate some times. She is not a pet to be trained to fit in with my life like I've been told to do

[Winter]

Awesome point about the physical things not being the be-all & end-all of gentle parenting.

I think of gentle parenting as being in-tune with my child's needs and parenting in an instinctive way - when it feels right, I'm probably on the right track. I don't force any issues, sleep, feeding, routine etc but go with the flow of my baby, while gently guiding her ie start the sleep routine at first sign of tiredness so that she doesn't get overtired, offer lots of different foods but don't stress if she doesn't eat them, play is just as important at this stage.

And to address the idea that Gentle Parents let their kids run feral, I don't think this is so. I think if you ascribe to the idea of "gentle parenting", you have probably done some research into the topic which means you are actively looking for tools that you can use to guide your children into adulthood in a way that suits your ethos. I take a lot of my parenting style from how I was brought up and how my sister parents. Their is no yelling or harsh punishments but there is discipline, done lovingly, and in-step with the needs of the child. A child needs to know the rules of society and a parent's job is to teach that child.

Also, do I think it's easy? Yes, a lot easier than listening to her cry or getting upset because she wont eat.

Ask me again when the tantrum stage hits!

[Lulu]

Tbh I didn't even know there was such a thing/phrase as Gentle Parenting until I joined here. Doesn't mean I didn't subscribe to it, I suppose I was already doing it and that's what attracted me here.

I also find it hard though sometimes, having a 'sensory' child has pushed me to my limits. I need to use RIGID discipline with him. At all times. I don't always explain each and every emotion to him - esp when he knows things he is doing are wrong, so from the outside looking in it might look like I am a total hardass but in fact it's what he needs. This doesn't mean I kick him around the backyard , but the high, hard boundaries are what makes ds feel safe and secure.
It's also hard when you are being the kindest, gentlest most loving parent you can be and it seems to get you nowhere . I've found it hard at times to be 'in tune' with my son, and that has been a really hard thing to deal with - I've been easily able to tune into the girls but DS is another story all together.

If I've had a hard day, I don't hide my feelings (not anger tho) or tiredness because I think the kids need to understand the consequences and how their behaviour can affect others around them.

I consider myself a gentle parent, because it all comes from total love and understanding what my children need to grow straight and tall. If I don't understand something I try to find out (by coming in here for other perspectives!).

However I must confess I told the checkout operator yesterday that ds had Tourettes because he was saying shut up over and over because he didn't get a chupa chup. Then I took him home and explained why he was losing the Wii for the rest of the day. Is that gentle?

[Junglemum]

However I must confess I told the checkout operator yesterday that ds had Tourettes because he was saying shut up over and over because he didn't get a chupa chup. Then I took him home and explained why he was losing the Wii for the rest of the day. Is that gentle?

I definitely think explaining the situation and removing toys as discipline is part of gentle parenting.

I also totally agree you can gentle parent with firm boundaries and it is as much about knowing your child's needs as anything else for me.

I can't believe you said he had Tourettes! You're terrible!