Besides the physical stuff...

[Rouge]

How do you gently parent your kids (besides boobs, cloth nappies, sling wearing and BLS)?

I know there is the cliche that gentle parenting is all about letting your children run wild if you are an attachment parent or gentle parent, but I think thats a load of rubbish. I don't think that is parenting at all TBH. And gentle parenting on the emotional side is not just sitting back and letting them fend for themselves.

I think of myself as a very emotionally involved parent. And by that I mean, I try to nurture and understand every emotion my children may experience and give them the age appropriate tools to deal with that emotion. I don't stop this because I'm tired, or because I have guests over or because I'm at a shopping centre. My parenting NEEDS to be consistent even when I am sick. I might not be up for as many deep and meaningful conversations if I've got a head cold but it doesn't mean I can't listen or acknowledge or set boundaries, and yes sometimes I have meltdowns and lack patience. And y'know its not exactly a walk in the park, its hard work but I LOVE it. I love the rewards, I love how people compliment how well adjusted and emotionally mature my kids are. I love my daughters comprehension and ability to nurture ME when I'm feeling blue and when I feel guilty and say it's not her job I get a lecture from my 7 yr old (who is not afraid to speak her mind) that its not a job, and she should be allowed to make me feel better as I make her and how its good practice for her to be a mum - awwwww.

I have always talked to them as if they could understand me even from when they were first born, and people would look at me like I was a freak. I never spoke "baby talk" or talked down to them like they were mentally challenged even though half the time I knew they didn't quite understand. I have never talked about them as though they are too stupid to understand what I'm saying. I respect them as I would you or anyone else. Because thats the kind of respect I hope I can earn from them.

But the thing that always seems to crack me up is the impression that a non-smacking parent is a lazy one. Far from it, the effort I put in with my kids is from the time they wake up till the time they go to sleep is huge. And I am fully prepared to leave groceries at the store, or leave from a cafe mid catch up if my children need me. Whether they need to be reassured, entertained or even have boundaries reaffirmed. Thats MY job. That is what I am here to teach them. But I don't suffer for this, I still have fun and I love my life. I am not lonely and without social contact. But I know this for the first few years of their lives they need A LOT from us. And if we can give it to them their confidence and independence will soar and with that comes more independence from us. So on those days where I feel like if I don't sit down with 5 minutes peace for 5 seconds I might scream, I try and remind myself that this time is way more valuable and important to them than that 5 minutes. I can have a coffee another day when they aren't so tired... I can get DH to pick up these groceries later, and maybe I should have rethought attempting to grocery shop right before lunch and blood sugar levels might be low.

And to me gentle parenting is not about being a martyr nor is it about getting it easy. Its just different and its about how I can show my child that I respect them as who they are, regardless of stature and understanding and that I am there for them no matter what. I don't gentle parent because its easy for me, I do it because I personally think its best for them and so far I've been proven right. And I think for me I have a very strong emotional memory relating back to my own childhood and that probably encourages me to stick at it.

So, besides the physical stuff, how do you gentle parent?

[Campari]

Oooh, great question! I will look forward to all the replies.
I don't have much time right now to write too much, but something I am doing a lot of lately is listening and talking!

My DD (just turned 2) is just getting really really chatty, so to encourage that and to show her that I am listening and respecting what she is telling me, I am trying to always make an effort to continue her conversations. No-one else may understand her, she talks so much toddler babble, but I know what all the words mean. If she tells me excitedly that she sees an aeroplane in the sky, I am not going to just say "mmmm" and take a cursory look at it and ignore her. I get excited with her, and ask her what colour it is, and if its big or small, and we talk about where it is going, and who might be on it, (which is apt right now as we have rellies flyling in from O/S soon). I'd like to think this is encouraging her to talk and to delve more deeply in to stuff, and to feel confident that I am interested in what she tells me so she can always tell me things. Sure, it might mean having numerous converstations about *nothing* but to her that is important. I hate it when I see a kid telling his/her parents something, and they just brush it off and continue with their own thing (ie. watching tv, reading magazine).

DD is awake - time's up!

[Junglemum]

A little off the topic to begin with but i don't see things like cloth nappies and how you feed you child to be a gentle parenting choice. Perhaps a part of natural parenting, but not so much gentle parenting. For me the term gentle parenting is, like you say, how you interact with and and deal with your children. I feel i could still use gentle parenting techniques and use disposables and feed formula. iykwim

So my girls are a bit younger than yours, but think i have a similar attitude. I take their emotional needs seriously. Sure sometimes they push me beyond my limit and i have yelled, but this is certainly never my aim and i have felt terrible afterwards. We don't believe in smacking. Although as you say it often takes A LOT more effort to control yourself and take 3 deep breaths. i certainly don't think gentle parenting is the easy option, i think it is definitely the harder road.

I too talk to my children even though they may not understand, i try to teach them about compassion and understanding, things that are beyond their comprehension, but over time i do notice that it sinks in.

This pretty well sums it p for me too;

And to me gentle parenting is not about being a martyr nor is it about getting it easy. Its just different and its about how I can show my child that I respect them as who they are, regardless of stature and understanding and that I am there for them no matter what. I don't gentle parent because its easy for me, I do it because I personally think its best for them and so far I've been proven right.

[Arcadia]

Great thread!

Falguni I suppose I think of gentle parenting as being gentle to the earth as well as the child, which is why I use cloth nappies...and as for feeding, I think extended breastfeeding and BLS are linked to gentle parenting because they go against many social norms in an attempt to do what's best for baby (that being said, I think they are additional extras to the emotional side of parenting, rather than the crux of the issue).

My DD is still young, but I try to explain everything we're doing, so she feels part of the decision. I am also against coersion and bribery to force a child to behave in a certain way.

When she's older I am going to pay special attention to things like emotional blackmail too (which is something my siblings and I experienced) and help her to understand compassion without feeling scared of her own needs.

[Junglemum]

I totally agree Anna that they are linked but i think you can be a gentle parent and not use cloth, or not be able to breast feed.

I use cloth, i breastfeed beyond the norm, i don't co-sleep, i do BLS and i believe in gentle parenting.
I have a friend who formula feeds, co-sleeps, uses cloth, didn't do BLS and she follows gentle parenting techniques.
So although they are commonly linked they are not co-dependent.

[Rouge]

Great point Falguni I feel the same way. For me gentle parenting is not just about how you feed your baby, how you birthed your child or how your child sleeps. I had two different situations, I FF my first after ill advice and BF'ing went sour. I never used cloth, and both my children hated co-sleeping, even though I tried and tried to co-sleep. But I realised that me co-sleeping with my children just because I wanted to wasn't gentle parenting at all, it was moreso me being selfish and wanting them to do something a certain way because I thought it was best, not because it was best for them. But I do think those things are great and if they work for you awesome, but I still think you can be a gentle parent with or without those things.

And on the opposite side, I have known people who cloth, bf, co-sleep but don't follow gentle parenting techniques, so for me like you say they aren't mutually exclusive.

[Arcadia]

Yeah, great points! I also know mums who bfeed, do BLS etc and are into CIO methods!

I think the emotional side of gentle parenting is much more interesting, and is not so visible.

So much of it stems from an awareness that babies are people and not an objective being society recognises as a 'baby'. They are little humans, moulded by our hands. It certainly brings home the weight of responsibility parents hold.

[Nai]

I actually don't think gentle parenting is about lacking discipline at all - it is teaching your child self- control and teaching them to understand appropriate behaviour without force, anger or smacking. They learn from you in a gentle way and it becomes part of their personal development. Setting boundaries is something that doesn't need to be done in a non-gentle way.

I think a lot is about leading by example as well eg. when I am waiting in line for something we talk about why it's important to be patient and let other people have their turn before we have ours etc. We also make sure we use manners and treat people with respect regardless of what we are doing so our girls can see what we believe to be appropriate behaviour. I don't think there is any point trying to teach children something that you don't do yourself as they watch everything you do and they do model themseves on your behaviour.

I also try to teach consequences for actions that are age appropriate eg. if DD1 throws her food on the floor she helps clean it up. It is involving children in discovering what happens when they do things and enables them to take responsibility for their own actions.

[briggsy's girl]

we're obviously still very early in the game so it's not easy to say exactly what will happen - but we're working on making sure the treatment that i received as a child aren't repeated.

we have started from day one with talking to E as a real little person - yes, we mimic her sounds sometimes to show that we're listening - but we also incorporate it into a normal conversation - ask her what it means and things like that. when she's upset, i talk to her while i'm settling her. i ask her what's wrong - she can't answer, but if i get in the habit of talking to her, it is setting me up for when she CAN tell me. it's small stuff. but we're working on it. she doesn't get anything done to her (nappy change, bib on/off etc) without me talking to her about why. even when she does get disciplined (which we do already) it's with an explanation. she grabs for our glasses so we move her hand away and tell her that she can't do that and why. we're hoping starting like this sets up good habits in ourselves that continue on as she gets older

[butterfly_warrior]

Rouge, I have to admit that I read your first line, threw a minor tantrum myself, ran away and grumped and then came back to read the thread in full.

I guess it's the perspective I have from the influences in my life. My in-laws did the cloth nappies, extended BF, carried their kids in back packs rather than prams and did BLS. They also forced their children into a very structured routine from day one and have always practived controlled crying. In that house it's very much children should be seen and not heard and obedience is valued above all. The closest place I've seen those things that are usually deemed to be part of gentle parenting has been far from gentle at all.

We FF, use disposables, Sam rides in the pram and eats mush... and it often seems that simply doing that disqualifies us from being gentle parents. But, we do those things because they are what suits us as a family and because it's what Sam likes and prefers.

Like BG we're fairly new in the game. But we've talked to Sam like an adult since he was born. We always tell him WHY we're doing things. If he gets into something we say no, ask for it back and then tell him why it's not for Sam. No success on that front yet as he keeps going back to it, but distracting him with something else is working and hopefully the words will make some sort of sense to him eventually! We've always followed the theory that if he's crying he needs something - even if it's just a cuddle, and I'm very pleased to say that we haven't had too many crying fits of unknown source that we've not been able to fix. Sam gets fed when he's hungry, gets put to sleep when he's tired and gets up when he's had enough sleep... we've just been very blessed with an incredibly predictable baby who's put himself into a nice, regular routine.

BW

[onthefly]

As others have said already, I think it's about really being there for your child, both physically and emotionally, whenever they need you.

Listening to your child, knowing them and being responsive to their needs. Like the boss who says 'My door is always open', then walks off to his office, closes the door and insists you make an appointment at a time that is convenient to him, some parents seem to set limits on their availability.

I agree that no parent should be a martyr - we all need time out and rest. but that's where support networks come in, to help us continue in the best interests of our children.*-/---

[Heaven]

Awesome thread. I'm trying to be a gentle parent, not coz it's easy but bc I think it's best for my DD and her development.

Being a gentle parent to me is about following my insticts (no matter if they aren't the same as what my mum tells me to do, i.e. CIO), and being in tune with DDs needs, and being flexible. For example, for the first 6 months of DDs life she wouldn't sleep on her own during the day, I had to hold her. She wasn't naughty or spoilt, that's just obviously what she needed. Now she feels safe and magically at 6 months for some reason she just let me put her down!! She changed when she was ready. Now I always put her down and can have some time to myself but some days if she's not feeling too good for some reason I hold her while she sleeps. Today is one of those days, she's asleep on my lap right now. I have been told I am spoiling her and she's just naughty etc and that I'm creating bad habits. Now I know that's not true, she does things when she's ready and knows that if she needs me I'll be there. I want her to always feel safe and that her needs are important, even if I don't know why she is feeling clingy one day.

I treat her like she is a little person with needs and emotions she just can't communicate some times. She is not a pet to be trained to fit in with my life like I've been told to do

[Winter]

Awesome point about the physical things not being the be-all & end-all of gentle parenting.

I think of gentle parenting as being in-tune with my child's needs and parenting in an instinctive way - when it feels right, I'm probably on the right track. I don't force any issues, sleep, feeding, routine etc but go with the flow of my baby, while gently guiding her ie start the sleep routine at first sign of tiredness so that she doesn't get overtired, offer lots of different foods but don't stress if she doesn't eat them, play is just as important at this stage.

And to address the idea that Gentle Parents let their kids run feral, I don't think this is so. I think if you ascribe to the idea of "gentle parenting", you have probably done some research into the topic which means you are actively looking for tools that you can use to guide your children into adulthood in a way that suits your ethos. I take a lot of my parenting style from how I was brought up and how my sister parents. Their is no yelling or harsh punishments but there is discipline, done lovingly, and in-step with the needs of the child. A child needs to know the rules of society and a parent's job is to teach that child.

Also, do I think it's easy? Yes, a lot easier than listening to her cry or getting upset because she wont eat.

Ask me again when the tantrum stage hits!

[Lulu]

Tbh I didn't even know there was such a thing/phrase as Gentle Parenting until I joined here. Doesn't mean I didn't subscribe to it, I suppose I was already doing it and that's what attracted me here.

I also find it hard though sometimes, having a 'sensory' child has pushed me to my limits. I need to use RIGID discipline with him. At all times. I don't always explain each and every emotion to him - esp when he knows things he is doing are wrong, so from the outside looking in it might look like I am a total hardass but in fact it's what he needs. This doesn't mean I kick him around the backyard , but the high, hard boundaries are what makes ds feel safe and secure.
It's also hard when you are being the kindest, gentlest most loving parent you can be and it seems to get you nowhere . I've found it hard at times to be 'in tune' with my son, and that has been a really hard thing to deal with - I've been easily able to tune into the girls but DS is another story all together.

If I've had a hard day, I don't hide my feelings (not anger tho) or tiredness because I think the kids need to understand the consequences and how their behaviour can affect others around them.

I consider myself a gentle parent, because it all comes from total love and understanding what my children need to grow straight and tall. If I don't understand something I try to find out (by coming in here for other perspectives!).

However I must confess I told the checkout operator yesterday that ds had Tourettes because he was saying shut up over and over because he didn't get a chupa chup. Then I took him home and explained why he was losing the Wii for the rest of the day. Is that gentle?

[Junglemum]

However I must confess I told the checkout operator yesterday that ds had Tourettes because he was saying shut up over and over because he didn't get a chupa chup. Then I took him home and explained why he was losing the Wii for the rest of the day. Is that gentle?

I definitely think explaining the situation and removing toys as discipline is part of gentle parenting.

I also totally agree you can gentle parent with firm boundaries and it is as much about knowing your child's needs as anything else for me.

I can't believe you said he had Tourettes! You're terrible!

[Jennifer13]

I think my DD is teaching me more about controlling my emotions and being a 'gentle' person rather than me being an actively 'gentle' parent. I'm a 'learning' parent! I think it's harder to consider how you behave as a parent and consciously choose your behaviour than it is to just mimic what you grew up with, feel, or see around.

I've always explained things to DD. If I've got to be the bad guy because she can't have something she wants, I tell her the reason why. She's not happy about it, but she knows I tell the truth. She is very good at telling me the truth, even when she's done the wrong thing, in return.

I think boundaries are very important. I mean no when I say no. I'm not going to get talked out of it (no matter how persuasive an arguing three year old can be!). I tell her why, and I'll get into a discussion if there's a point to explaining, but I won't go on endlessly.

For me, the most important thing is to acknowledge how I'm feeling with her and respect her feelings as well. If I melt down, get frustrated or I've just had ENOUGH of listening to her whinge about every little thing (like me, that's how she behaves when she's tired, that's karma ), then I tell her how I'm feeling and why and apologise if I was cross, snappy, short, whatever.

We've never done baby talk and DD is wonderfully articulate. (She's a bit of a nana, but it was much cuter hearing a 2 year old say "Oh dear" with a big sigh than a four letter word!). Her funny little stories are worth listening too and we never make fun of them when they get silly. When she speaks, we pay attention (she needs to use manners if she's interrupting, but she's still able to participate). If I don't listen to her when she talks about things now, how can I expect her to talk to me when she's older?

I think the whole ethos of gentle parenting is based on emotions. You wouldn't do any of the physical things if you didn't have a regard for the emotional consideration. They aren't a badge to 'prove' you're a certain type of parent. Wearing your baby isn't about the fancy label or how many slings you buy, it's about making your baby feel safe. So instead of considering the baby wearing as the only option, shouldn't we all be aiming to make our babies feel safe? I don't think there's a list and you must tick off a certain number of boxes to qualify.

[Winter]

I'm enjoying the responses, so keep 'em coming....

[Rahjah]

Great thread

I've never really understood why gentle parenting is so often aligned to the physical pointers...they are often a part of it but most definitely not the whole (or the point) IMO.

We gentle parent because everything in our beings said it was right and as we read and read and read we realised HOW natural and right it is. CC and CIO are not options in this house, nor is smacking and hopefully not yelling...though I'm told the instinct to yell gets stronger as your child grows

Mostly for me it is about respecting the child. I'm astonished over and over again at watching people DISRESPECT their children...but it's not a choice for them as much as the way our Western society tells us to control control control our kids! It's quite sad. eg. We had friends staying recently and their 2 young kids were afraid of our border collie and didn't want to go in the backyard. Their mum YELLED and yelled at them to "GET OUTSIDE! HE"S FINE! HE WON'T HURT YOU/ DON'T BE SILLY! OUTSIDE!" while she forced them out the door". I guess she needed space and wanted them out there...but she failed to respect her kids and the feelings of fear they were experiencing re a big licky black dog. I'd like to think I might have suggested they sit with me outside until they felt safe...I don't know...it was just rough I thought.

So...we'd like to think we're not into "control" or rewards or bribes or punishments - which our whole society is based on - as much as we're into growing a well rounded little person who 'do' because they understand, not because they were made to.
I think discipline is necessary for sure, but I believe that the true nature of discipline lies in 'teaching'...not in punitive measures. So we try to teach in teachable moments.

I guess I figure most misbehaviours stem from something else - boredom, anger/unresolved emotions that the child doesn't know how to express, and as gentle parents, it's our job to help them contain their emotions and process them and express them. If I yell or smack or am harsh with my kids, then these will be lessons lost.

Anyway...it's hard on the patience for sure. And my DS is not yet 2...
I watch my nephew who is almost 4 and wonder how I'll go with patience if DS ends up like him

But it's conversations with other gentle parents that help us all get through I reckon.

Thx for the thread...