Can I bag out other sites??

[meow]

Okay, I wont name names but I saw a pregnancy & parenting website run by a major nappy brand advertised on TV... being dubious straight away I decided to see what 'advice' they were offering anyway.

Arrgghh!! The settling to sleep techniques for a NEWBORN baby include no eye contact, warnings not to allow baby to fall asleep in your arms, reminders that if they sleep less than an hour to resettle before picking them up... !!!!

What is going on with parenting?? What happened to instinct and basic nurturing for a teeny little, fresh from the womb bubba? It makes me so sad I could cry.

[visitor1]

To me, that advice worked with DD1 and i have continued it with DD2 and i have perfect sleepers from a very young age. No eye contact helps as it lets bub know its not play time, but time to sleep. Also not talking to them helps.

Yes it does seem not nice...but it works (well for me it has).

[meow]

It seems so detached and not at all natural... if my tiny baby wants to stare in my eyes while he drifts off with me holding him then that's what we're doing. I wish more babies were getting that contact

[Cricket]

Ren, I've often snuggled my babies to sleep, and co-sleep for the first six weeks or so, but apparently eye contact, for newborns, is very stimulating. It can really over-tire them, so perhaps that's why that was suggested?

[{sarah}]

Ren I totally agree with you, for me it feels like I can't comfort my baby properly without being able to look into their eyes. I personally would be far more stressed if I was upset & overtired and the person trying to calm me down wouldn't look me in the eye, so I don't see the difference for a bay.

[meow]

The eye contact thing is just one example from a long list of stuff they advise. It's so clinical and it upsets me... it's also mostly just twaddle and not research or instinst based parenting. I can't believe this stuff keeps getting advocated.

[BellyBelly]

I think it's really sad too. I mean, at night when you snuggle up to your partner and try to connect at night, how much would it be upsetting if they wouldn't give you eye contact? Just didn't look at you... no matter what you did.

I think connection is a big part of gentle parenting and it really gets that oxytocin flowing for both mother and child.

[suse]

I think it comes back to the issue of dictating what must be done rather than giving suggestions and explaining why a certain technique may work for some babies. I mean, come on, holding is for feeding, floor is for play, cot is for sleep - what a load of prescriptive nonsense!

We have to do a 'no eye contact' thing with E, otherwise he just won't go to sleep - he'd play all night. But I'm not very good at it LOL. He is nearly five months old though, and doesn't get distressed at all by the lack of eye contact, in fact, he seems to prefer it at sleep time. When we wrap him up for sleep, my DP and I lie on either side of him on the bed, but with our heads higher up the bed than his so he's not in our direct line of sight. He'll turn his head up at us and grin, and I can't help smiling back at him. After a minute of us grinning inanely at each other I'll give him a kiss, tell him that it's sleep-time and lie there with him with my eyes shut until one of us falls asleep. (Usually me first!)

But this is what is working for us at the moment based on our instinct and what E wants - we've also carried, rocked and fed him to sleep depending on what works best at the time.

[Cricket]

OK, I stole this from another site (drgreene) It just came up when I googled this topic.

DrGreene Content


"Several types of environmental stimuli can alter her internal rhythm. The most powerful wake-up activity is direct eye contact. When your baby locks eyes with you, it's almost like she's drinking a double latte -- her heart rate speeds up, her blood pressure rises a bit, and she becomes more awake. Babies also tend to become more alert when exposed to bright lights, the sound of conversational speech (they want to know what everybody's talking about), and having their feet tickled and played with.

When actively trying to switch a new baby's time clock, have bright lights on in the house during daylight hours. Keep up a steady stream of talking in normal conversational tones around your daughter during the day. Play with her feet often, and make eye contact with her whenever you can.

As soon as the sun begins to go down, purposely avoid all of these things. When you feed her, try not to make eye contact with her. Speak only in whispers or sing-song tones. Sing lullabies. Have the lights dim in the house. And don't stimulate her feet.

Of course, some daytime naps are appropriate, and your daughter should be awake at night for feedings. The goal is to try to move your daughter's primary awake time to the daylight hours. By following the above suggestions, her rhythm should change fairly rapidly. Doing this for as little as two or three days and nights will make a dramatic difference. You can help her body learn the rhythm that daytime is for excitement, play, and interaction while nighttime is for cuddling and sleeping."

Just some thoughts! I don't think ANYONE would recommend no eye contact with your baby! Just tone it down a little when they are tired! Snuggle instead.

[sushee]

I have to admit to agreeing with some of what Dr Greene said, my heart picks up speed and I become more alert too when I connect with someone I care about. And again I can see how what he's saying might work - don't connect with them and they won't be as aroused. But there are a heap of opposing studies that say being responsive equates to a more secure child, so if eye contact means baby is as excited to see me and I am to see him, then that's a pretty good result in my book, day or night.

[Janie]

I haven't had time to read through all of the responses, but I wanted to say that I went to a seminar recently where Pinky spoke, and she talked quite a bit about this. She showed video footage of a study done on mothers not responding to their babies, particularly not making eye contact, and it was heartbreaking. I think nearly everyone watching it cried. I understand the theory behind it, but I think you and your baby pay a price for doing it.

They're so tiny for such a small amount of time, it's important to nuture them when they're little.

[meow]

The funny thing is that when my little bubba he generally doesn't make eye contact anyway. But sometimes he chooses to look up me and I'm glad I'm quietly looking back. Then he usually just gazes off over my head.

The never settle in your arms bit bothered me hugely. The advice was that holding is for feeding, floor is for play and cot is for sleep. Again- arrgghhh!!! Can a newborn never feel the love of falling asleep in mummy's arms? Breaks my heart and gets me worried about the disconnected children we're raising.

[Willow]

Even the sleep school I went to who, let's face it, haven't had the best reputation for gentle methods in the past told me the no eye contact thing was total crap and completely unnatural.

[~Saram~]

Another one here who is deeply saddened by the sheer number of parents who are being fed this info in antenatal class MCHN etc. When DS was not sleeping through the night at 6mths I was bombarded with CC, and "settling techniques"

While I often close my eyes when putting my babies to sleep my face is still turned towards them and there is nothing so precious as watching you baby slowly fall asleep looking back at you.

My favourite parts of the day are gently putting my kids to sleep, lying down with them or gently rocking them it is the most beautiful and calming part of everyday for all of us.

As for the comment on holding is for feeding, floor for play etc, perhaps this is the reason for the increase in flat heads in little babies! Both my babies have spent their awake time in slings, in my arms and on the floor with me

[Roryrory]

The advice was that holding is for feeding, floor is for play and cot is for sleep.

Wow, that is harsh

Personally I have cuddled both my boys to sleep and LOVE cuddling them while they snooze, but at the same time have put them to bed in their own cot (in our room) and do not baby-wear. Why do these sorts of sites have to polarise parenting so much? Its not like you have to do EVERYTHING that gentle parenting might suggest (such as co-sleeping) but why can't these pro-detatched parenting sites take a little from other ways of doing things?

[mummy of many]

We carry our tiny little bundles for a long 9 months and often wonder what they look like and can`t wait to see them, hold them,theres nothing more special than looking into your bubs eyes and giving them a cuddle or two ,or rocking them gently to sleep,we all have our own ideas and methods that work for us,but having no eye to eye contact is so very text bookish to me...... only my opinion though. I personally love to sing very quietly to my little bub,he loves it.A happy baby is a very happy mummy, lol.

[LuluHB]

I think what's really sad about all of this is that these things are all said so that babies sleep better so that life is more convenient for us. I'm not sure whether I feel more sadness or anger when I hear women talking about how their lives won't change, that baby will fit in with them etc etc. Why bother having a child - just buy a new handbag! My DD has completely turned my world upside down. I have faint memories of the person I used to be and the life I used to lead. I had my last ever brunch with a girlfriend with my DD last week because she is just too active now to happily sit in the pram and listen to us gossip for a few hours. And you know what. I love it. Its a privilege to have a child, not a right, and my job is to make her feel like the most safe, secure and loved creature on this planet. If she takes longer to settle at night because we're having beautiful cuddles and staring at each other with loving expressions and trust, then I think I am the luckiest woman in the world.

[LimeSlice]

a little OT, but are we going ot be seeing BB ads on TV...there seems to be a particular nappy brand advertsiing their site and its a little disconcerting that all these women will automoatically go there and get bonbarded with ads for more chemicals and "no contact" sleep solutions to smother their children in...

Do we have bumper stickerS??