Having trouble accepting other peoples style of parenting...

[MummaSue]

Sue, I get what you're saying. But I think it's fine to offer advice if it's been asked for, even if you don't think it'll necessarily be welcome. Nobody has to take advice. I guess another grey area is where people take whinging as an invitation to give advice when you may have only been looking to vent.

Also very true.

Haha, can you tell that I'm not very good at arguing?

[onthefly]

Yeah, you're not much fun

[Kazmar]

Very very true Dedicated Mummy.

That was easy haha

[MummaSue]

LOL, I really should think further before posting because every time someone gives me the alternatives, I'm nodding away at the computer going "yeah, true, didn't really think of it that way".

LOL

[Kazmar]

hahaha bb is good for that

[Trillian]

Ooooo, it's a big grey area and real danger zone, but certainly open to interpretation. It'll swing both ways though, if you want to go down that road.

Sue, I get what you're saying. But I think it's fine to offer advice if it's been asked for, even if you don't think it'll necessarily be welcome. Nobody has to take advice. I guess another grey area is where people take whinging as an invitation to give advice when you may have only been looking to vent.

I think it is a really fine line between how something comes across that makes the difference between helpful advice and judgement. If you come right out and tell someone that they are doing it wrong and they should do xyz instead, or a certain way is better, that immediately gets people offside and the wall goes up. But if you said 'have you ever tried doing abc?" in a really casual way, then they are probably going to be more receptive to what you have to say. I tend to not say anything unless I am specifically asked for advice, or something is said to make me think they might be open to suggestions, but if someone appears to be happy with what they are doing, then I leave well enough alone. As I said in my earlier post, I find it really hard to sit there and see it happen, but I wont interfere.

[onthefly]

Oh sure. I wouldn't start with "Oh god, why don't you just..." for instance
If it's someone close to me, I might ask why they choose to do things a certain way and how did that work for them. We know each other so there's no issue with misinterpretation - it's not judgment on my part, just curiosity really. Sometimes other parents might do things that just don't make sense to me and I wonder Why would they do that and it's nice to actually be able to ask without starting WW3.

[Heda]

Heda- you say you get annoyed with a parent first approach but there may come a time when you really need to put your needs first for the health of your family and that is a very appropriate thing to do. Everyone in the family has needs, including mums and dads. I have been pregnant or a parent for over 3 years and hardley EVER prioritised my needs...where did it land me...in a big mess, in hospital 36 hours AFTER my appendix burst (didn't want to wake my kids as I lay shaking on the couch) Needless to say I am rethinking my approach. My babies need a mother, a healthy one would be even better/

Hi Polly - Yes a burnt out mother is no good And yes I agree that there are times that a mother must take time out and allow herself to be put first. Likewise, I've been pregnant / parenting / breastfeeding for some years now too - and have had to face some major health decisions - which I chose my child/ren over my health at that moment in time. The first was to allow my DD who was diagnosed with major defects to remain with me in utero until she passed away and then to remain with me for a period of time afterwards until she was able to be born naturally. Second was when I was hospitalised at 6 weeks old and had to have ongoing care out of home for a period of weeks, certain medication to ease a particularly painful symptom was going to severely interupt my bf relationship and I opted to forego that medication so I could continue to BF my daughter - as I am now - as I know the long term benefits for her. Why I mention this is because at the time I was emotionally and physically able to make those decision and put my children first. It wasn't martyrdom by any means, it was making a small sacrifice to put the needs of my children first, despite coming at a small and temporary cost to me - because my circumstances at that time allowed it. I certainly do not expect the same from anyone else as we're all going through different things!!!

When my subsequent children follow and I have more on my plate and will be dealing with different personalities and circumstances - will I be in the same place to make the same decisions? I cannot say with certainty, therefore, I am glad I was able to take these moments in my life and be satisfied with those decisions at that time - for the future can hold anything.

Sorry, I should've clarified that my confusion lay with people who, being emotionally and physically well, decide that after a certain hour of the day, a baby / infant / toddler must mimic adult sleep and are left alone to be 'taught' to. I feel the pain parents experience when they are suffering with a child that doesn't sleep and are not able to cope with that - I am grateful that I have a support network that has allowed me to cope with 16 months of frequent bouts of teething, colds and very wakeful nights. Some parents are not so fortunate, so will seek whatever can provide immediate relief and CIO methods may provide those required 'results'. I can understand, but still doesn't make me comfortable.

And that's ok - Because that feeling of uncomfortableness allows me to search within me, and find what it is that makes me feel uncomfortable, why it does that and to learn from it. It is a good opportunity to grow and learn as a person - which is why I do enjoy reading different points of view. I totally agree with you PollyA- it wonderful to feel passionate about parenting, it's just lovely to be passionate about anything these days wouldn't you agree? I find not enough people care about anything anymore!

And Macellus - oh yes...never a truer word said. I'm glad my baby brain has mushed up all my past judgement calls as a parent cause I would die if I remembered them!

Thanks everyone - I've so enjoyed reading this tread

[MummaSue]

if someone appears to be happy with what they are doing, then I leave well enough alone.

:yeahthat:

That is what I was getting at earlier in my bumbling, inarticulate fashion

[misty]

I've been thinking about this further and I don't honestly think that addressing this with people is ok. I know how P'd off I get when people tell me to try CC with my little one. It's the same thing only in reverse.
People parent differently and unless they are doing something neglectful or wrong then it's no-one's place to comment.

Just my thoughts.

This was all I was trying to say.

FWIW and to maybe shed a bit of light from the 'other side' of those who have used CC and would use it again (I would even recommend it to others if they asked for my opinion and I thought it an appropriate option. You don't have to agree, but just realise that whatever you think of my employment of CC - I am very well researched on the topic and that there are MANY different methods and variations of CC out there.

- I have had 3 very different children / babies. I have used CC and I have used comforting methods - with all three at various stages. I have not been IMO a neglectful mother.
It is painful to hear your baby scream themselves to sleep - With my DD it took anywhere between 5mins up to an hour for her to fall asleep. I know there are members here that will read this and be appalled. IT was a hard thing to do.
What is even more painful is holding her for hours upon hours on end while she continuously screamed and refused to sleep. She would NOT sleep if another person was near her. She needed sleep. Not just because she was overtired and generally miserable, not just because I needed a break and was at the edge of my rope (although those were both true) but because the lack of sleep was actually making her phyisically ill.

When she got into a routine with CC (it took less then a week) She no longer cried for more then 1min before going to sleep. I suddenly had a well rested and HAPPY baby - something I had not experienced before. She was miserable before. Before long there was no crying. She has been a great sleeper ever since, and she has been a very happy little girl.

My DS1 has never been a good sleeper, but he would easily settle if cuddled - we co-slept more often then not. Still do sometimes, he is nearly 3. Breifly tried CC with him when I was heavily pg and comforting him repeatedly throughout the night was near impossible (I won't even attempt to describe my mental state at the time) - CC really didn't suit him, so we gave up nearly as soon as we started.

DS2 - I would have happily have co-slept and comforted to sleep - in fact we did for the first 6+ mths. But as he got older, he didn't like that idea anymore, and would keep everyone awake. Babies need sleep. I tried CC again. Worked like magic. In fact it almost wasn't like CC - he just knew what was going on and that being put in his cot meant sleep time. It felt natural to do things this way with him. Occaisionly he might be unsettled or cry a little - but it was definitely in a "my mum is not letting me stay up and play" way, not a "my mum is neglecting me" way. He is the happiest baby I have ever met - seriously. And if the only time he cried was for 2 mins when being put to bed at night (out of the whole 24hr period - he didn't even cry when hungry or needing a new nappy) well, I hardly think you can claim that is neglect.

I wholeheartedly agree that people should follow their instincts when parenting. I just think some of you here are making a mistake in thinking that parents AREN'T following their instincts when they employ techniques or methods different to what you feel is the natural corse of action or that you are uncomfortable with. They aren't 'wrong' they aren't 'neglectful' (I think neglectful parents put a lot less thought and energy into their parenting) - they just don't agree with you or your opinions.

CC - does not nessecarily mean not comforting your children. I know my children, I know when they are in need of comfort and when something is out of the ordinary. When they are sick or truely upset they will be comforted, they know mum is never far away.

Just a different point of veiw for you to consider, before declaring that those who practise CC are abusing or neglecting their kids. Then again, maybe you still think this is the case, but I doubt very much that my children or anyone who knows me and my family would agree with that.


Edited to say - I don't want to convert anyone here. I think if you don't have to use it, or don't want to "more power to you!" That is fab. I don't think it should be used by everyone, ideally no-one would need to use it. I certainly think a couple of weeks old is too young. Just trying to show that what may seem blackk and white often isn't so simple.

[beckoes]

Some of the people posting only have 1 child, so haven't yet had the experience of different children with different needs. It's pretty easy to comment that your way is the right way when you have only had to do it with one child kwim?

agreed, i only have one, second on the way, im sure i will review my parenting techniques once i have two (which will be soon). i dont think i really appreciate how different two children can be and you do what ever works for you (within reason)

(natural/gentle/attachment) is still a relatively 'new' concept and it is silly to expect that everyone is going to 'see the light' straight away

i guess i forget that it isnt a main stream style of parenting, but i do think that people get caught up in following the croud just becasue thats what all thier friends are doing, and dont even consider that there may be a different or better way for thier child, one size doesnt fit all and that goes for any parenting style.

It is a wodnerful thing to be passionate about parenting
But not such a wonderful thing to feel superior to those who don't subscribe to your philosophies.
We can't control how we feel but we can control our actions.

i think i do get quite passionate about the way i have chosen to parent as i think its the best and right way....which is why im doing it but i have to remember that the next person could be just a passionate about thier way. the thing that frustrates me is when ( like i said before) people arent passionate and just follow the crowd!

So long as parents do what they do because they love and respect their children,

i think this can get so lost sometimes, i have had some wierd looks from people when ive said, when asked about being a parent... 'i just listen to and respect my childs needs and wants, from birth' i dont know why people find it strange to think you would respect a babys needs/wants, if you would respect a friends or family members needs/wants why not your babies.

I am just saying it's not as simple as children first, parents second. Just like putting your own oxygen on in the aeroplane safety video, there are times when putting your Childs needs ahead of your own simply means noones needs are met.

great point and way of putting it, sometimes it is more important to put your self first, for the benifit of everyone!

Because that feeling of uncomfortableness allows me to search within me, and find what it is that makes me feel uncomfortable, why it does that and to learn from it. It is a good opportunity to grow and learn as a person - which is why I do enjoy reading different points of view

couldnt have put it better myself, and thats where i began, becasue it made me uncomfortable, and i didnt know why, its been great to read others views and thoughts!

I just wanted to add, i totally understand people using CIO/CC with older children and i know it works as i have know friends to use it and work for them....also some who it didnt work for.
The thing that got me in the begining was the need to get a baby....new born....under two weeks old... in to a sleep routine and using methods such as CIO/CC and substitue feeding-with baby rice in the formula, etc (for an under two week old). to me this is insanity.

[Trillian]

Bec, I was thinking about that particular comment I made earlier and I worried that I may have gotten people offside with it. All I meant was that it was an observation I made of people posting in the thread, and not a personal comment at all. It's kinda the same as that Jacinta Tynan article that was discussed on here when she said being a Mother was the easiest job in the world etc and she only had one 9 month old bub. I was exactly the same when I had my first bub too because he was so cruisy and then I had my second and while it wasn't a rude awakening, it certainly did take me by surprise at first.

[Kazmar]

'peacful parenting' etc isn't NEW its just now different parenting styles are put into catagoryies and have facebook pages to join!

[beckoes]

Trillian, no offence taken, its a valid point, DD wasnt really that easy under 1 yr old but i had 100% of my time to deal with it, with number two on the way im constantly wondering what im going to do when #2 is up crying all night or BFing all day and DD1 needs attentions too.

DM, thats funny, and so true about alot of things...

[MummaSue]

'peacful parenting' etc isn't NEW its just now different parenting styles are put into catagoryies and have facebook pages to join!

This is so true - a wee while ago I read Dr Sears' book on Nighttime parenting from the early 80's!!!

[Kazmar]

I think peaceful parenting/attacment parenting is bringing things back to basics, kind of like the way things were done before a lot of inventions etc. So its always been around, just now they have 'named' it

Same as other forms of parenting just 'named' now

[MummaSue]

Yeah, totally agree!

[beckoes]

I think peaceful parenting/attacment parenting is bringing things back to basics, kind of like the way things were done before a lot of inventions etc. So its always been around, just now they have 'named' it

i agree, what did people do before all these books were writen and 'profesionals' formed theories and methods to raise childen.