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Thread: Having trouble accepting other peoples style of parenting...

  1. #91

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    Agreed that different parenting styles have always been out there, but when I say 'new', I mean it in the sense that our generations (from X onwards) are only just being exposed to it and become more aware of it as being a very valid alternative. It is slowly becoming more mainstream, but one thing we need to remember is that even as late as the early 80's women were still being told to only feed your baby at set times and routines were needed and it was acceptable to put a few teaspoons of farex in the bottle etc. That is why it is still seen as being a bit of a hippy to do all these things, because for a while there they fell out of the mainstream and it was only a fringe group of people that did it. It is all cyclic though - each era evolves and changes what they think is 'best' and those with the loudest voices are usually more successful at changing the mindset kwim?


  2. #92

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    i just think its so easy to get lost in the new modern way of living and parenting that mothers feel pressured to produce the child that is perfect and do what is the "in" thing to do even if we think it might be wrong we attempt it to be comforted in knowing "at least we tried"..
    as a mum of 3 and a 4th on the way at 26 yrs of age i find it all still hard and challenging and the baby stages were the hardest stages but it still gets harder.. at 16 yr of age with my first i could of screamed and chucked tantrums my ds never shut up screamed constantly!!! so even if i had attempted cc i really dont think it would of worked..
    I think that being a mum a wife a partner etc is a hard enough job without all these new invented ways of parenting if it feels right then i say do what ur gut tells u.. no one book should ever be a bible to parenting as many authors have never had a child only the pretend ones they experiment with at uni while they do their degree... i dont believe in cc/cio technics never have and dont think i will but if u do it and are happy too do it then "go hard".. but i think if someone does do it there will always be ppls judgements and opinions and if its really what u think is the right thing to do then other ppl's thoughts and opinons shouldnt affect them.. at the end of the day they choose that style and like many of us they will cop the critisims that go with it..

  3. #93

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    Jan 2006
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    Misty, I think you make some great points.
    And I agree also that parenting by books or some preconceived notions or ideology also makes little sense to me.

    I don't see the harm in sharing information - I like to read those books and listen to what others have to say. I may not always agree or follow the advice though, and I expect the same goes for any advice that I give.
    I don't assume that because someone does things differently to me that they're ignorant or whatever, BUT, I do think a lot of parents are quite vulnerable and feel pressure to conform to certain ideals and preconceptions, and ensure their babies also tow the line, as it were. That's where a different perspective can be helpful - or it certainly was for me anyway.
    There is, for example, a lot of emphasis on sleeping and settling and the received wisdom is quite clear on this - there's somethign wrong with you and/or your baby if they're not doing it a certain way by a certain age. That's an incredible amount of pressure on a new parent when their child does not conform. There is a general maintstream belief about this and it permeates even our social interactions when we have a baby - how many times have you been asked "Is he sleeping through yet?" "Do you have a routine yet?", or my personal 'favourite' "Is he a good baby?" Or maybe you've heard "Well, you'll have to let him cry some time."
    Now, what parent struggling with a baby that does not settle unless in arms or at the breast - which we're told is a big no no - or who wakes constantly through the night - bad baby! - will not infer from such questions that there is something seriously wrong with teh way they are parenting?

    I think it's good to have lots of information. No judgment, just care and support and a little reassurance that it's ok - well, I would say it's best - to just find your own way. Admonishments about creating a rod for your back, declarations about how babies should be sleeping, and criticism for doing pretty natural, parenting things like cuddling or feeding to sleep are not terribly helpful for the new parent trying to figure out their own way.

    So this is where I'm coming from - to try and counter this sort of hegemony. Not to push an agenda or whatever, just to offer an alternative and even just reassurance that it's ok to do someting different if that's what works better for you and your baby. Does that make sense?

  4. #94

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    There is a beautiful quote in Pinky McKay's book Sleeping Like a Baby - Chapter 2.

    "I would be ashamed to admit to the Indians that where I come from the women do not feel themselves capable of raising children until they have read the instructions written by a strange man" - Jean Leidloff, The Continuum Concept.

    Awesome quote.

  5. #95

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    Trouble is, some parents can be at peace with breaking their child's arm. I'm not. Should I just say "hey, cool, you're at peace with it"?

    Forr me, I dislike CC. But then I dislike girls head-to-toe in pink. And I dislike Phil & Ted prams. Doesn't mean it is always wrrong.

    However, leaving a child to CIO for hours and leaving them soaked in their own vomit...neglect. A one-off can be a mistake, doing it for a long time or with a very young child... I would ask why the parent wanted to do that. Because I don't agree with neglect or abuse. (And FWIW, my mother believed that co-sleeping was a form of abuse and did tell me that. I disagree. You are welcome to disagree with me, but it may not change my mind.)

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