Really want a hb but unsupported by DH and family

[Jennifer13]

The Homebirth Access Sydney and Homebirth Australia websites and FB pages have lots of articles, including some aimed at partners and family. That might help?

My DP was a big skeptic, but chatting with our IMs eased his mind. Now we've had a HB he's a huge advocate.

On the cost, well, most ppl I know spent far more time, money and effort on their wedding day and your baby's birth is more likely to have long term consequences IMHO! We got a fair bit of our cost back from PHI with Aust Unity, but you need to have cover for 12 mths.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I do not have the support of my DH or any of the extended family for homebirthing Stormy. DH does not want to research it, I will not be doing it. It was bad enough with Liebs, but after the crap DH helped put me through then he's scared of birth and I can't do it alone. Pah!

Result: when Stormy is conceived, no-one will be told. DH will therefore be expecting Stormy a month or so later than the real due date. We have already agreed not to tell extended family I am expecting, just when Stormy is born. (His brother did this with their 2nd, which hurt DH a lot, and my mother was so evil when I was pg we don't want her to know, which means no-one in the extended family can find out because they will tell BiL/DH's MiL.)

As a result, only DH will think he can say anything about birth, I won't have it from extended family.

So, I can go into labour and DH won't be expecting it, so won't have taken time off work for it. He'll be at work, I'll have my homebirth and call him when I'm pushing and put him on speakerphone so he can either drive home and see the baby first OR hear the baby being born. But he won't be in time to cart me off to a hospital.

By all means do your research, but you know what you want already. I was researched up to the eyeballs when I was pg with Liebling and no-one cared or took my ideas, thoughts, research or feelings into consideration. So now I say "sod you all" and I'm doing it my way.

[Amber4]

Thanks so much to all of you for your thoughts and suggestions. They're all really helpful.. especially the recommended resources. I'll get busy reading/watching and I love the idea of saying to DH that he needs to do equal the research to have an equal say in the decision (I don't think he will, but at least I will feel that that's fair).

e_p... no, not blunt at all. Just really, really helpful. Thanks.

Jackrose, that's a great idea about talking to a birth counsellor. I'm in nsw but I'm sure I can find someone. I'll be meeting with my doula for the first time in a couple of weeks and I'm pretty sure she does debriefing re past births, so it might be a good start to talk with her.

Jennifer, that's really interesting about your PHI.... we have full cover (have had it forever) with NIB and when I contacted them they said they don't pay a single thing towards HB costs (only a proportion of antenatal or postnatal fees, and only then up to $400 limit). The consultant I spoke with told me that because Medicare don't cover HB then no health fund would either. Maybe I should do some ringing around! I think some funds are willing to waive the waiting periods if I'm transferring from equal or higher cover elsewhere.

Flying Butter, you sound really strong with your position. I don't intend to tell anyone in my family about the decision... they don't have the same ideas and I know it will just lead to a myriad of attempts on their part to change my mind. If DH decides to tell his family, well, I doubt they will be very supportive of the idea but they would probably keep their thoughts to themselves (or at least not talk to me about them, which will do). I know I just have to get my head to a place that feels convinced about my right to make my own birthing decisions and accept that others will judge, and I don't need their approval.

Thanks again to all of you xx

[Cassius2]

As long as you can get your DH on side you will be ok

I think that many partners just need to meet and chat with the IM to have things fall into place. to see that they are not kooky krazy kat ladies that will make you birth in a paddock under a full moon (although, if that's what you want then you will find someone that supports your decision to do so...that's why IMs are so awesome!).

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

As long as you can get your DH on side you will be ok

And even if you can't, you'll be OK. You don't have to enter a dialogue about this - you can tell him that either he supports you or he isn't there. Men should have no counter-say in their wives' decisions about birth - it should either be support or absence.

[*Ang*]

Men should have no counter-say in their wives' decisions about birth - it should either be support or absence.

I really feel the need to reply to this quote. TFB I understand that you had a bad experience with your birth and felt unsupported and let down by your husband and other people but I think that what you say is all a bit harsh. Shock horror there are women who would like their partners to be with them and would like to involve their husbands in the decision making process.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

And I bet those women are supported by their husbands. They have a nice dialogue: not sure about homebirth or midwife centre, let's talk about it and decide what WE want because I'm comfortable with you preferring either option. Men by all means can have input and can lead to a great birth experience - but when a man is refusing to let his partner birth the way she feels safe and supported, then he shouldn't be there.

In this case, the DH is not supportive of the birth choice of Amber4. So he shouldn't have a say in it and bully her into something she doesn't want - because it may not stop there. And it may, he may be the world's best birth support if she succumbs to this wish. But the question is - do you want to take that gamble? I did, thinking I would lose, but thinking the relationship damage would be less than if DH didn't have a say at all. But people shouldn't be put into that position - I know DH wouldn't pick a wish that didn't impact on me going ahead over him being tortured any day, so why should a woman pick it?