Really want a hb but unsupported by DH and family

[Amber4]

I could use some advice, encouragement, suggestions for research... anything really

I'm 24 weeks and recently decided to ditch my plans for a private OB/private hosp for bub #2, and find an IM to help me birth at home. There were/are lots of reasons behind the decision... most notably that my first birth experience was completely disempowering and anxiety-provoking, and it triggered off a hard first few months for me and DD postnatally.

My strong, silent type of a DH doesn't support it. I haven't even bothered to tell my own family because my Mum was anxious enough when I hinted that I wouldn't go through with the private OB and might consider a birth centre or MW care at the local public hospital. I can live with my extended family not supporting HB but with DH... well, he sees this as a joint decision, not just my decision. His objections are based on me not being in the 'right place' if something goes wrong and he is quick to raise hypothetical worst-case-scenarios when I try to discuss it. What also doesn't help is that he just doesn't "get" most of my emotional and instinctive reasons for wanting to birth this child differently.

A few factors that, in his eyes, make HB even more unacceptable:
1) I had to inquire with a huge number of IMs before I finally found one who supports HB and is available. She's prepared to travel 2.5 hours out of area to get to the birth, but for that reason I may only get to meet with her once before, and I have to get pre and postnatal checks done with others (probably mix of GP and other IMs). I also don't think she has a back up, because she's travelling so far for me.
2) Because we won't be meeting the IM regularly beforehand, he's not going to have the opportunity to hear the facts and discuss his concerns, and build up trust in her.
3) He's not keen to spend the $$ on an option that he doesn't agree with.
4) Although I can appreciate that his intentions are good (he just wants us to be safe and well) he's also uninformed, and not motivated to do the research into HB. As yet I haven't collated enough hard evidence to balance his views (suggestions on where to look would be greatly appreciated)

I guess I don't know what to do. I would really prefer us to be on side with our approach to birth but realistically it looks like I'm going to have to compromise to make that happen. In my darker moments I do think it will just be easier to stay with the doula I've booked and forget the HB idea, going to the local public hospital and hoping I don't meet an uncaring OB or a nasty MW (had a combo of both last time around). Worse... some days I feel as though his anxieties are starting to rub off. I'm now having occasional thoughts like 'what if I can't manage the pain?' (I feel as though I 'caved' by asking for an epidural with DD) and 'what if I end up with late complications and in hospital with a gung-ho OB?'

Sorry for the long rant... having a hormonal, cr*ppy day today so things are looking more woeful than usual!

x

[e_p]

I have to be quick but wanted to reply to you before I forget!

I'm sorry you don't have the support of your DH (and extended family!). Good on you for wanting to do things differently after a disempowering birth experience.

My personal belief is that because it's your body, (and while you're pregnant and in labour/birth, your baby is a part of you) you get final say over what happens. Of course part of being in a relationship means that your partner should have input and influence and should have his needs considered, but at the end of the day, your (and your baby's) needs are the priority.

If I was in your shoes, I'd show my DH the films Business of Being Born and Face of Birth. If he was still against homebirth, I would tell him that if he wanted to be an equal decision maker that he would need to do equal the amount of research about it and give me good reasons to not do it, and if at the end of the day it came down to fear that he needed to work through that and support your right to feel safe in labour and of your baby having a safe start to life. In my case, if my DH couldn't give me a good reason, and couldn't work through his fears and support me, I'd consider not having him there. I'd feel awful about it, but if my baby and I were healthy, I'd birth without him. The Cochrane database and the 'Science and Sensibility' blog are good starting points. A book called Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering by Dr Sarah Buckley might be useful too - lots of references, easily set out and written by a doctor.

If you see IMs for some of your antenatal care, I'm sure they'll be happy to answer questions for your DH

I get that the money is a big factor - it was for us. Having had a HB, I'd pay double what we did if that's what it cost. It was the best money I've ever spent.

I'm sorry if I've been blunt - I think you deserve an honest response though.

Good luck whatever you decide
x

[jackrose]

Amber4, I am sorry to read of your experiences and the position you are in. It is a hard enough road to travel when you first decide to look at homebirth, one even more stressful and difficult when your DH is not on board. (The good news is the decision gets easier and less stressful once you are on the homebirth path, from my experience)

I was about to respond with my thoughts, but after reading e_p's response, I just want to say "What she said!"

I was about to recommend starting with the documentaries "The Business of Being Born" and "The face of Birth" and go from there. I was also going to suggest that your DH does need to meet you in the middle with his research rather than just saying you must follow the status quo.

Basically what she said

I would also recommend seeing a birth counsellor to help both you and your DH go through some of your fears about the birth. You can speak with an IM and go through you hospital notes - a very worthwhile exercise for any mother about to go through birth again with unanswered questions from previous birth. In Melbourne there is a wonderful woman Rhea Dempsay who does counselling. She is AMAZING and if you can speak with her if you are in Melbourne, or get a referral from her to see someone locally, I think you would be able to work through a lot of the issues you listed above.

Another book I loved preparing for childbirth is "The thinking woman's guide to a better birth" by Henci Goer. Highly recommended for evidence based understanding about choices in childbirth.

Good luck.

[Jennifer13]

The Homebirth Access Sydney and Homebirth Australia websites and FB pages have lots of articles, including some aimed at partners and family. That might help?

My DP was a big skeptic, but chatting with our IMs eased his mind. Now we've had a HB he's a huge advocate.

On the cost, well, most ppl I know spent far more time, money and effort on their wedding day and your baby's birth is more likely to have long term consequences IMHO! We got a fair bit of our cost back from PHI with Aust Unity, but you need to have cover for 12 mths.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I do not have the support of my DH or any of the extended family for homebirthing Stormy. DH does not want to research it, I will not be doing it. It was bad enough with Liebs, but after the crap DH helped put me through then he's scared of birth and I can't do it alone. Pah!

Result: when Stormy is conceived, no-one will be told. DH will therefore be expecting Stormy a month or so later than the real due date. We have already agreed not to tell extended family I am expecting, just when Stormy is born. (His brother did this with their 2nd, which hurt DH a lot, and my mother was so evil when I was pg we don't want her to know, which means no-one in the extended family can find out because they will tell BiL/DH's MiL.)

As a result, only DH will think he can say anything about birth, I won't have it from extended family.

So, I can go into labour and DH won't be expecting it, so won't have taken time off work for it. He'll be at work, I'll have my homebirth and call him when I'm pushing and put him on speakerphone so he can either drive home and see the baby first OR hear the baby being born. But he won't be in time to cart me off to a hospital.

By all means do your research, but you know what you want already. I was researched up to the eyeballs when I was pg with Liebling and no-one cared or took my ideas, thoughts, research or feelings into consideration. So now I say "sod you all" and I'm doing it my way.

[Amber4]

Thanks so much to all of you for your thoughts and suggestions. They're all really helpful.. especially the recommended resources. I'll get busy reading/watching and I love the idea of saying to DH that he needs to do equal the research to have an equal say in the decision (I don't think he will, but at least I will feel that that's fair).

e_p... no, not blunt at all. Just really, really helpful. Thanks.

Jackrose, that's a great idea about talking to a birth counsellor. I'm in nsw but I'm sure I can find someone. I'll be meeting with my doula for the first time in a couple of weeks and I'm pretty sure she does debriefing re past births, so it might be a good start to talk with her.

Jennifer, that's really interesting about your PHI.... we have full cover (have had it forever) with NIB and when I contacted them they said they don't pay a single thing towards HB costs (only a proportion of antenatal or postnatal fees, and only then up to $400 limit). The consultant I spoke with told me that because Medicare don't cover HB then no health fund would either. Maybe I should do some ringing around! I think some funds are willing to waive the waiting periods if I'm transferring from equal or higher cover elsewhere.

Flying Butter, you sound really strong with your position. I don't intend to tell anyone in my family about the decision... they don't have the same ideas and I know it will just lead to a myriad of attempts on their part to change my mind. If DH decides to tell his family, well, I doubt they will be very supportive of the idea but they would probably keep their thoughts to themselves (or at least not talk to me about them, which will do). I know I just have to get my head to a place that feels convinced about my right to make my own birthing decisions and accept that others will judge, and I don't need their approval.

Thanks again to all of you xx

[Cassius2]

As long as you can get your DH on side you will be ok

I think that many partners just need to meet and chat with the IM to have things fall into place. to see that they are not kooky krazy kat ladies that will make you birth in a paddock under a full moon (although, if that's what you want then you will find someone that supports your decision to do so...that's why IMs are so awesome!).

[veus]

Go with what you feel you need to do for the best birth you want. Like what e_p said, it is your body.

My logic is if i don't tell you when to go to the toilet and do ur business what makes U think u have the right to tell me how to birth. (I've never been known for diplomacy sorry!)

All the best!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

As long as you can get your DH on side you will be ok

And even if you can't, you'll be OK. You don't have to enter a dialogue about this - you can tell him that either he supports you or he isn't there. Men should have no counter-say in their wives' decisions about birth - it should either be support or absence.

[*Ang*]

Men should have no counter-say in their wives' decisions about birth - it should either be support or absence.

I really feel the need to reply to this quote. TFB I understand that you had a bad experience with your birth and felt unsupported and let down by your husband and other people but I think that what you say is all a bit harsh. Shock horror there are women who would like their partners to be with them and would like to involve their husbands in the decision making process.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

And I bet those women are supported by their husbands. They have a nice dialogue: not sure about homebirth or midwife centre, let's talk about it and decide what WE want because I'm comfortable with you preferring either option. Men by all means can have input and can lead to a great birth experience - but when a man is refusing to let his partner birth the way she feels safe and supported, then he shouldn't be there.

In this case, the DH is not supportive of the birth choice of Amber4. So he shouldn't have a say in it and bully her into something she doesn't want - because it may not stop there. And it may, he may be the world's best birth support if she succumbs to this wish. But the question is - do you want to take that gamble? I did, thinking I would lose, but thinking the relationship damage would be less than if DH didn't have a say at all. But people shouldn't be put into that position - I know DH wouldn't pick a wish that didn't impact on me going ahead over him being tortured any day, so why should a woman pick it?

[Amber4]

It's a tricky scenario. In my case, first birth, DH was not the best 'support person' in a practical sense, but emotionally, he was amazing. And to be honest, I can't imagine giving birth then or now without his presence. But I do understand why some women have had to draw a line in the sand and present the two choices of either be there supportively, or don't be.

DH knows that I'm pretty headstrong when I've made up my mind and I think he will, to some extent, listen to the research I turn up. I also think that deep down, we both know that this is my decision at the end of the day.. but as you say FB, the ideal scenario would be him saying he's comfortable with me preferring either option. I'm hoping that the research I turn up, and show him, will help to achieve that... but if it doesn't, my next best scenario would be to have him say that he still has doubts about hb'ing but he will still be present and respect my choice.

[Jennifer13]

Amber, he will feel a lot better after talking things over with a m/w. Also, there is at least one HB story by a dad around here somewhere. If you can, get along to a local HB group and talk to them about how their partners felt or prepared.

TBH it would be a rare man that responds to the HB suggestion with a, "Fantastic! Now, should we encapsulate the placenta or have a lotus birth?" I know of one or two, but the majority are more towards your DH!

[jackrose]

i just thought of another good reference that might help your DH. There is a great book called "Men at Birth", a collection of stories from men about birth experiences from their perspective. David Vernon is the editor I think.

It is a while since I read it (3 years) but from memory it is an easy read with a good message for men. There are stories about hospital births and home births in there and I found that it quite gently led to a conclusion that women's bodies are amazing and quite well designed for birth, that birth in a hospital can be good but can also be taken over in by the medical profession (not in a good way) and that home birth can be a great way to birth. All of this from the mouths of men. It might be a good starting point for your DH to help him come to terms with other options.

[Cassius2]

oh, and have you checked out the article here on BB? '7 secrets of a HB dad'? here is the link:

https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...-out-there!%29

[Jennifer13]

How are you doing, Amber?