Broken hearted and not sure what to do

[Lilliansmummy]

Hi everyone, not sure if anyone reads this thread. me and dh have been married almost a year and together for 2 years. I love him with ALL my heart and would do anything for him. first year of marrage hasnt been an easy one with lost babies, finantual losses and money issues and having to move from our rented property to my inlaws who i also love to bits.
we met off a dating website which i have no issues with but is causing some issues as his still on them. We hardly fight and he says he loves me BUT
WHY is he still visiting websites such as fling.com etc. Iv checked what his profile is about and he is seeking women for 3soms, friends with benifits etc etc. This isnt the first time iv found him on them and he knows how i feel about them but he dineis it. Everytime i feel my heart breaking and am slowly getting to my whits end
Im not the "sex machine" some blokes like but its not like we never do it and im just wanting him to tell me if its something wrong with me that causes him to do this stuff. I am pretty sure he hasnt met anyone while with me but thats always in the back of my mind. I was cheated on several times while with my ex and believe once a cheater always a cheater. Does anyone else have this issue and can give me advice?

[appletree]

Huge hugs Shan, what a difficult thing to come to grips with. I have a friend who went through something similar with her partner who she met on a dating website, it was almost like he was addicted to them and couldn't let them go!

Think long and hard about whether you want to be in this situation and if he is ever really going to change. Try not to take it as something that you have done wrong, this is his issue and more than likely has nothing to do with you or who you are.

I hope some other ladies have some good advice for you!

[misty]

If you have told him you don't like him going on these sites (and honestly, if you are married you shouldn't have to even do that - he should KNOW - and some part of him obviously dooes if he is hiding it from you) and he persists on doing it: Then I am sorry, but in my opinion he is already cheating on you. He may or may not have actually done anything already - but he seems to display a very clear intention in what he is doing.

Step back from a minute and ask yourself: If a friend came to you and told you that HER relationship was like this and HER spouse was acting in such a manner - what would you think and say to her?

Unfortunately I don't see anyway to resolve this if he isn't even willing to admit that he is doing anything wrong.

[Kazbah]

Hi Shan, first up - good luck tomorrow if you're testing!

It looks like you've tried talking to him, but I wonder if you've seen "rules for fair fighting" which has great info on how to have a meaningful discussion which doesn't turn into a fight. Some of the basics are - use "I" sentences and don't accuse. EG : When I see you on these sites, I feel that I am not enough for you... Or maybe just ask if he's interested in ways to spice up the bedroom?

It's not easy, I've been cheated on before and its very difficult to trust again

[RhiChiChi]

Hi,

I don't have this issue, so am offering advice totally from an outside perspective.

I believe communication is the best way to approach situations like this. Does your DH really know how you feel about him using or being registered on these sites? How direct have you been in expressing this to him in the past? Perhaps there are issues in your relationship, from his point of view, that he hasn't expressed to you and this is his way of dealing with them? (ie: loss of babies etc...) You need to discuss (I won't use the word confront at the moment) what you have found with him again and give him a chance to offer an explanation and perhaps discuss counselling as an option for him or as a couple.

I wish you all the best and hope that you can work through this with your DH. Best of luck.

[Lilliansmummy]

thanks appletree. He said last time he doesnt really know why he does it and he just gets bored while im at school (im a full time student)
Im just really wondering if i have to give him a good kick up the arse or not..... just so confused

[Kazbah]

Shan - if he's getting bored, what does he do usually while you're at school?

[misty]

thanks appletree. He said last time he doesnt really know why he does it and he just gets bored while im at school (im a full time student)
Im just really wondering if i have to give him a good kick up the arse or not..... just so confused

Absolute codswallop! If he gets bored, he can take up a hobby, an activity, a sport, a job, hell pull out the playstation - you don't get online and sign up for an online dating site!

[appletree]

thanks appletree. He said last time he doesnt really know why he does it and he just gets bored while im at school (im a full time student)
Im just really wondering if i have to give him a good kick up the arse or not..... just so confused

Hmmm, being bored isn't a good enough excuse to break your heart like this IMO! Get that man working hard so he has no time to be bored, even if its not paid work he could be doing something that is useful and helping others. I always like to think 'if my daughters partner was doing this to her, how would i feel?'

[PumpkinZulu]

Does he have a job? Maybe he should find a job or hobby while you're at work.

To me, this is cheating. I really feel for you, I'd be incredibly hurt

[Lilliansmummy]

Pumpkinzuzu- I agree and have told him this, iv told him from the start that porn sites and dating sites to me is equal to cheating, but thats just my view.

To everyone else- He has started a 3 day a week course which is great but his casual work wasnt allowing him to study so he chose to resign.
In the past he has suffered very badly with depression and so his not great at talking (its actually like pulling nails) and to hear what is happening with his feelings. I just spoke to him on the phone as his at school and his agreed to get councilling and sort his stuff out. I dont believe in fighting and it takes alot to get my back up. Im going to get him to go to a mens group run in our local area and might find out about him doing a sport or perhaps for us to do it together.
I just cant imagin him actually physically going out cheating on me but as i said this is the same thing
Thanks very much for all your advice ladies. Im going to have a chat to him this arvo and see what is going to happen. I told him its me or the dating websites (actually the internet all together) and he chose me and said he would prove his not going to go on them. He is still looking for a job which he can doing whilst not at school

[PumpkinZulu]

Dating websites and porn can be an addiction. I really feel for you, I have had partners addicted to porn and to me it is definately a betrayal of trust I know how heartwrenching it can be. There will come a time for you when enough is enough and you will not be able to will it away anymore, and one of two things will happen; he will realise what he is doing and seek help, or you will have to leave.

[Lilliansmummy]

im already getting to that point and just wanna cry

[~*familyof3*~]

oh huni i feel your pain i really do. My ex had the same prob.Altho we did not meet on one he was addicted to them.I had had th sit down chats and told him how i felt when i seen them more so how i felt when reading the things he sent to others on there too. He also after the first time would denie it..............right down to trying to tell me the one that was being paid for with his credit card was an issue of identity theft.

To me it is cheating as well the way i see it is clear cut and simple.......If you wouldnt do it with your partner sitting beside you then you know its wrong and is cheating. The fact he has to hide it shows he knows he shouldnt be doing it. I put up with it for years and it progressed from him telling me he only did it as he was bored to me finding out that he was in fact having phone relations with some of the women on there.

I cant tell you what is the right thing to do,just follow your heart hun.Try and sit with him and let him know again how it makes you feel and that you dont like it,and that he needs to respect that. Lay it out for him and like PZ said he will either realise and man up or you will walk.

HUGS to you hun i do hope things turn out for the best for you

[Sunny Love]

oh Shan! You poor love, sounds like you have a lot of emotional stuff happening in your relationship.
If my DP went on a website of that nature, against my wishes and for sexual relations then I would be flippin' furious and incredibly betrayed. I would try and break his fingers, and then another organ, but I do go a little overboard sometimes
Seriously though, apart from explaining how inappropriate this is and damaging to your relationship, i'm really not sure what can be done next. I hope you can sort it out before you get your BFP, and like Kaz said, GL with POAS tomorrow too
xx

[MrsBexie]

Oh Shan! I have no advice... just hugs!! Can't imagine how this would hurt right now...

We are all here so if you need it, come and vent and get hugs!!!
xx

[beansbeans!]

Hi Shan,

I have no advice for you but I definately agree that boundaries are being crossed.

Was just wondering how things were going?

[mummydreamer]

If you have told him you don't like him going on these sites (and honestly, if you are married you shouldn't have to even do that - he should KNOW - and some part of him obviously dooes if he is hiding it from you) and he persists on doing it: Then I am sorry, but in my opinion he is already cheating on you. He may or may not have actually done anything already - but he seems to display a very clear intention in what he is doing.

i agree, even if you weren't married but just committed to each other, in my opinion, that's still cheating. i think you are really going to have to sit him down, tell him how he feels and give him an ultimatum. it's not right what he's doing, and it's not 'normal' as well for a married man to be looking like that. massive im so sorry that this seems to be happening again to you guys. hopefully you can work something out xxx