desperate for advice

[endotrouble]

Hi

I am brand new to bellybelly and at the moment I am having a bit of a crisis! I am 21 years old (almost 22) and have just have my 3rd laparoscopy (day surgery involving lasering and cutting out of scarring in the uterus lining) in 3 years because I have endometriosis. I feel like I can't continue to go through the medical procedures knowing that the longer I leave it to have a baby, the less likely I will be to have one - I have hormones, homeopathy and obviously the surgical methods to get rid of my endometriosis but nothing has worked. I feel like my next step is to have a baby.

I have posted a thread on the endometriosis board asking for advice but I thought it would be worth putting on in here as well ... I guess what I am struggling with right now is that my partner is 23 and not willing to be a father. I am willing to go it alone if I need to and at the moment I feel like that is the choice I need and have to make. A concern I have is how hard it would be for me to be a single mum at 22 - financially I am responsible enough to know the baby and I would be fine. I am about to finish university and once I start working next year I beleive I will be able to financially save to bring a child into the world (I have already been living away from home for 5 years).

I'm just so confused and lost and I really need someone to talk to that knows what it's like to be in this situation so please, if you are reading this and you can relate, I would really appreciate anything you can say.

[Nelle]

Hey there! I don't know much about endometriosis, but I'm sure heaps of others around here will be able to give you some ideas. Does that mean you would have to see a fertility specialist to conceive?

As for your partner not being willing...is it that he doesn't want kids at all, or is just apprehensive about the idea of being a dad? I had River at 22, dh had just turned 24, and he's a great dad, but I remember him being less than enthusiastic at times. The older River gets (and the more dh can play with River), I think the easier dh finds it to connect with him, because boys 'do' things, and so the boys can 'do' things like play together.

The decision to be a single mum would be a huge one though, I really value dh's input and support as a parent, and you have to consider if you'd rather your child to have one parent they see every day, or two. If your relationship with your partner is stable, then I think it's worth working through the reasons your partner is reluctant and seeing if you can't come to some sort of agreement. Some people see 22 as rather young to have kids, but it's worked brilliantly for us, and dh still plays gigs and has nights out with his mates - the brilliance of parenting as a couple is that I can go out at times too!

All the best!

[endotrouble]

Thanks, that really helps.

So far as I understand it, I am able to conceive naturally but the longer I leave it, the more likely it is that I will have to look to fertility doctors.

My partner loves kids, and wants to have them. When we started going out, he was always talking about getting married and having kids etc. he even said in the past that if I got to the point I am at now where I felt I needed to have a baby that he would support me in that. But now that I'm at that stage he says he doesn't want to have a baby, he wants to go out clubbing and basically doesn't want to commit (even by getting a second dog) for another two years. And I guess that's a whole other issue to this because I feel completely lied to (as in he used to want to commit and now he doesn't)

Being a single Mum would be a less than desirable situation for me to be in but if I had to make that decision, I would do it, and I would do it knowing that I would rather be a single Mum than never be a Mum at all (unless I adopt)

[LadyRaven]

Heya hun,

I was going out with a guy that said he wanted a house and marriage and babies and then went and got into over $20k in carloan debt without talking to me about it after we had been together 4 years, he had a $3k maxed out credit card and couldnt pay a bill to save his life (lots of repo notices for my laptop). I felt really conned and lied to and then he went out partying as well. We got really physical with each other (punches etc), broke up and he went all stalkerish for a bit and psycho on me it wasn't fun!

When I met Dad2be he was all for house and family but didn't expect it to happen so quickly (had been dating 4 months). I have bad endo and they wanted to take out my left ovary because the endo is wrapped around it and my main arteries and in trying to seperate them they nearly killed me!

I was told if I wanted kids I'd need to have them in the next 2 years or I may never have kids. I told my ex (who I was with at the time) and he agreed to having a baby and then decided he didn't want to.

In the end I decided our life goals were just too different and he was bringing us down financially and putting my dreams of motherhood at risk. I too was willing to be a single mum if needed and had a guy I've known for years who said he would help me if I wanted a bubs (he's so lovely but I really wanted a mum/dad relationship so young). Luckily I found Dad2be and although we had a rocky start we are really going well now, we got a house and bubs is whenever he decides to drop now.

Don't let people hold you back, if he's not willing to compromise then you need to weigh up whether you are ready to wait till he's ready or make some life changing decisions that also involves bringing a new little person into this world. A baby is a big decision if he's not ready then it's not something you can change and not something you should try to change. You have to think about the babies well being as well as your desires to be a mum . Are you ready emotionally to be a mum? Can you put bubs needs first? Do you have an adequate support network for you and bubs?

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

My partner is away and has been for about half of our 3 1/2 month old daughters life, so I have an idea of what its like to care for a baby without assistance. Of course, I'm living with my parents for the moment so I have their help, by the sounds of it, you won't be so your situation would be different.

Having a baby can be sooooo stressful and difficult if you're doing it by yourself. It can be anyway, but having no partner (or just a very uninvolved one) can take you to breaking point. Like if baby has a cold - she won't eat because she can't breathe, but she's hungry, so she just cries and cries and cries. Not to mention, she's feeling sick, and that babies really don't like mouth-breathing. That interferes with baby's sleep, and yours, and you end up stressed to hilt and sleep deprived and feeling terrible that baby is so upset and you can't help! It's hard, hard work. I don't think I'd ever be able to do it alone. Even on a day-to-day basis, when you're alone, you can't do ANYTHING for the first few months. As soon as you put a pot of pasta on, baby wakes. As soon as you hop into the shower, baby wakes. As soon as you walk out the door to hang up the washing, the baby wakes. It's so hard without an extra pair of hands just to hold them for a minute so you can bathe and eat! Though this does get better, its like this in the first few weeks/months.
But
I think having children is the same thing as being in labour (sometimes) - its impossible, but you get through it somehow, because you have to.

It must be horrible to be in your position. Having a baby is SUCH a huge decision, and doing it because you don't think you'll have another chance may not, in my opinion, be a good reason. Then again, my baby was a surprise baby (that is, an accidental pregnancy) and I am absolutely wrapped to have her.

If your partner doesn't want a baby though, then I don't think he's a good choice. A pregnancy that one partner doesn't want creates a whole universe of trouble, believe me! And if you really want to have a baby and this is your only chance, you may regret it if you stay to him, particularly if the relationship ends for whatever reason and the opportunity for motherhood is over for you.

I really don't envy your position, but I'm sure you'll make the right decision for you.
Good luck.

[endotrouble]

Hi Baby_socks

thank you so much for your advice. I broke up with my ex a few weeks ago - not because of the baby stuff but actually because he became abusive! And that is definately not someone I want to be with, as well as someone I do not want to bring a child into the world with.

I appreciate what you are saying about the feeling of having to have a child because there is no other choice - and yes, that is absolutely the situation I am facing. I cannot imagine having a life without bringing children into the world. I love children so much and I feel that as a woman, it is a part of my worldly being to reproduce. not only that, I feel that as an educated person, I want to bring a child into the world and teach them all that i know, as well as learn from them and with them and watch them grow while growing with them. While i am in a situation where i may (in a matter of months) have to decide to have a baby or not to have a baby, I will make that decision knowing that it will be a very challenging time for me (and bub). And I will not make that decision (either way)with regret. I have had 4 years to deal with this so far and I don't think a day has gone by when I haven't thought about it. While it is an unfortunate position to be in, i feel that it could be a lot worse (my body clock is ticking quickly - but it's not broken or cancerous etc).

I have a long way to go still with all of this and while this site has helped me, I still feel very lost - I am going to head to the family planning clinic to discuss my issues .. hopefully in time, i will work out what is right and what is best.

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your experiences with me!