Not pregnant blues, any advice?

[Tunz]

Hi, Its been a while since I've been on this website but I feel the need to vent & also to see if anyone has advice for me. My dh & I have been going thru ivf for 4 years & have had 3 failed pregnancies. I have just gone thru another cycle where they transferred 2 day 3 embryos with no joy. My biggest thing is that all my friends around me are getting pregnant & I find it very hard to be a friend when all I have experienced is heartache. One of my friends who is pregnant just wants to complain about how tired she is & how its "killing" her. I just can't seem to cope with being everything to everyone & maybe I need to cut myself off from certain people & situations. I would love to hear from anyone who is in a similar situation or can offer me any advice?

[Mildez]

I just started to write a post then I realised it was abit full on bi-tching about your friends (who obviously I don't know) so I deleted it. So instead I thought I would sent a big and say your a way better friend then I have been as I basically disowned my friends for the same reason. Nothing worse then hearing someone complain about their pregnancy or boasting about how fertile they are, they weren't even trying etc when we would give an arm or a leg to be in that same position. And my latest disowned friend going on about her fear of m/c over and over like I would understand. Yes of course I do having had 3 myself however she had not and is now almost due to have her second baby after the first month of birth control and asking if she can have my baby things seeing as I won't be having one. See I am a terrable friend but its easier for me to deal with then tolerating talk like that.

[onthefly]

asking if she can have my baby things seeing as I won't be having one.

oh. wow.

It is really hard to hear sometimes. And if you need to give yourself space, so be it.

I try to remind myself that the infertility, bitterness and resentment is my thing. Other people don't make me feel that way, but they can remind me. Of course, a little sensitivity goes a long way.

[Miss.September]

That's just terrible. Nobody knows what it's like until you've lost that precious one. I agree that sensitivity can go a really long way. Someone I know did that to me when I m/c - she had a scan on the same day and then told me all about her baby's heartbeat. It was horrible. I don't think she was being mean, well I HOPE she wasn't, but it was really really hard.

Could you tell any of your friends, that although you want to share with their joys, that it's a little bit hard to hear the negative stories from them?

I hope things can turn around for you soon.

Corelly x

[Lenny]

A big hug for you Tunz.
You are obviously a good friend - you have maintained these relationships even when you are hurting very deeply. Maybe these people aren't aware of how much their comments hurt - or maybe they are a bit insensitive, having never experienced your TTC situation.
I could be all sensible and tell you to talk to them and ask them for some support and a bit of understanding and kindness. But honestly, during my TTC journey there were times when I felt I needed to cut myself off from certain situations and people too. It's just sometimes easier and less painful for you.
Don't write these people off altogether though! Just chose the right time to be around them, and be selfish of your own emotions and feelings. If you think you are a bit sensitive and might get hurt, then protect yourself from it.
TTC is emotionally very tough for most people.
There is a TTC vent section (TTC Vent) if you would like to make use of it as well. It can help to just vent sometimes and not always look for solutions.
I wish you all the best with your journey,
Jo

[Tunz]

Mildez OMG...I've got a tear in my eye hearing your story about your friend saying you won't be needing your baby things. How heartless and cruel. It never ceases to amaze me how insensitive people can be. I've had my fair share of all that sort of crap as well. When I was pregnant with my twins last year and lost them my cousin rang me up a few months later & told me she was now pregnant with twins. Considering my 2nd twin was still born at 20 weeks I am still to this day shocked how anyone could do this. Needless to say she's rubbed off my list at the moment. I guess keeping friends that support you and accept what you may be feeling sounds like the best thing to do. I will try & be strong like you are & get rid of the friends that wear me down.....

[worrywart]

Hi Tunz, I think others have pretty much summed up what I would say too, but I also just wanted to send hugs your way. I also wanted to thank you for posting, because it lets people know that they are not alone. Sometimes, it can feel so incredibly isolating and it helps to know that there are others, like the strong women on these forums, who are going through the same struggle every day.
I too feel such a conflict with old dear friends who have easily become pregnant, and have tried their best to be sensitive even, but still, on some deep level, I just hate them. I hate their guts. I love them too. But I am so angry, and so envious. For me, it helps to state and own those emotions, and not to be afraid of them, because they are "negative" or not appropriate for a woman to express, in the way that we're socialised.
Of course, I rarely actually say anything to my friends. My friends don't make too many clangers, though my one friend phoning me ONLY when she's breast-feeding, with audible slurps and cries from the baby, I find very insensitive. But then, Tunz, your story about your cousin and Mildez, yours about your friend asking for your baby things - these just take the freaking cake.
I think what makes it so painful is incongruity, maybe. Like you value yourself as a loving, generous friend, but when you see your friend, you experience anger or resentment (or even hatred) and this jars. Also, for me, I just feel a deep physical pain after spending too much time with these girls who have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA. That's what it comes down to, as well - feeling this inevitable distance and disconnection, and loneliness, like you're about to be excluded from the free reproducing world, or something.
OMG, sorry for the soap box.
I suppose I mainly wanted to say: You are not alone. This is what my Chinese doctor said to me after my last failed cycle. I started crying then.
As for whether to see your friends, as the others say, pace yourself, protect yourself, be a "mum" to yourself and though there'll be pain either way (seeing/not seeing), you'll get that sense of "aah, this feels right" when you are being kind to yourself. You deserve it.
All the best and sorry for the diatribe,
WW

[Loula]

I bumped into a friend mum the other day and she heard our news and said ' well we had all stopped holding our breath for you' WYF???

Im sorry your friend has been insensitve

[Tunz]

Thanks Lenny, Corely & Worrywart. Its really re-assurring to have such positive comments when you need them the most. I think it makes sense to me to make myself happy without trying to please my pregnant friends. Its impossible for them to know what I'm going thru nor would I want them to, so distance between us is probably the best thing for now. Does anyone else get anxious and think of a life without children? I don't know what I would do without them but it just seems like ivf and conceiving & having a live birth is an impossible dream......

[milly's mummy]

Oh dear, I'm so sorry to hear about all the insensitive comments made by friends, I wish you all the best of luck. It must be hard for others to understand when they haven't experienced the heartache...sending hugs

[worrywart]

Hi Tunz,
Yep, I definitely think about the possibility of not having kids - all the time! It does feel like an impossible dream. But then that's how it feels now. Because it hasn't happened yet. Of course, it may not happen ever. That's true. There's no way of knowing.
I practice this "thought defusing" stuff from ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) - it's about allowing those unpleasant thoughts and feelings, giving them "space", not trying to push them away, but then also "defusing" them, so you don't get caught up in them and get upset. Maybe you've heard of it? You can google it. Dr Russ Harris, The Happiness Trap, is a simple book on it. I am getting help from a therapist though.
All the girls I know who were doing IVF and gave birth said that they felt SO down and SO ready to give up.
I am wishing you all the luck in the world.

[Maggie]

Hi Guys,
My husband and I asked friends over on Saturday. On the phone my friend said 'oh, by the way, did you know that I'm pregnant?'. I didn't know. She and her partner don't live together and last I'd heard my friend was debating whether or not to renew her own lease or move in with her boyfriend. She told me on the phone that it was 'an accident'. I instantly regretted my invite. She knew what my husband and I were going through and to hear that she was pregnant without even trying or necessarily wanting it really hurt.
I struggled through the evening but loved DH when upon greeting them that night, he said 'Congratulations! We hate you of course but congratulations!' It was said as a joke but I was glad that he spoke some of our hurt and I'm sorry to say it- resentment.

I probably won't be going out of my way to spend too much time with them now. Not because they aren't great people, they are, but because it's extra hurt I don't need right now.

Given what we're going through I think we're all entitled to that.

Maggie

[Tunz]

To my bb friends who have responded.... I can't begin to tell you how much you have meant to me & how helpful it is to hear your stories & know that I'm not alone. WW, I'm gonna check out that website & might even look into seeing a therapist as well, I want to block certain people out but my pain seems to effect my every day life, like even doing a simple food shop does my head in at times. I need to snap out of it & know being able to vent in a safe environment like bb without being judged is a HUGE thing. Sorry again if all I seem to be doing is winge but I'm sure from your stories you know exactly where I'm coming from. I've got my fingers crossed for all of us & wish us all lots of baby dust & good things to happen

[Miss.September]

Tunz are you in Melbourne?

Corelly x

[Tunz]

No I'm in Perth unfortunately!
My husband & I love Melbourne but we've got work/family commitments so we live here......why is that?

[Miss.September]

There is a acupuncturist (sorry, spelling) that I've heard of that is supposed to be working wonders in helping women fall pregnant with the use of acupunture and herbal medicine. I just thought that if you were in Melbourne it might be worth the shot. Maybe there is one in Perth? I haven't tried it personally, but know of plenty of women who are trying him.

Corelly x

[dreamrise659]

Hi Everyone,

Maggie I could so relate to your comments about your friend falling pregnant by accident and the resentment (I think it's great that your husband made the joke... do you think they understood it?

Hi Guys,
My husband and I asked friends over on Saturday. On the phone my friend said 'oh, by the way, did you know that I'm pregnant?'. I didn't know. She and her partner don't live together and last I'd heard my friend was debating whether or not to renew her own lease or move in with her boyfriend. She told me on the phone that it was 'an accident'. I instantly regretted my invite. She knew what my husband and I were going through and to hear that she was pregnant without even trying or necessarily wanting it really hurt.
I struggled through the evening but loved DH when upon greeting them that night, he said 'Congratulations! We hate you of course but congratulations!' It was said as a joke but I was glad that he spoke some of our hurt and I'm sorry to say it- resentment.

I probably won't be going out of my way to spend too much time with them now. Not because they aren't great people, they are, but because it's extra hurt I don't need right now.

Given what we're going through I think we're all entitled to that.

Maggie

My ex girlfriend got pregnant on her first attempt with that donor (but she had tried once with another donor and once through a clinic). For me it felt like it has been easy for her (and I paid all costs associated with the 2 private donor inseminations - travel, hotels etc.) For her successful attempt we actually made it into a family holiday (our donor lives in NSW and we are in Victoria) and took time off work to have 10 days away so by the time we got home she only had a few days of her 2 ww left. It meant that she was able to completely relax during that time and I think this was part of the reason it was successful. When I started attempting AI with the same donor I couldn't afford to take much time off work and never got to turn it into a holiday. I was stressed the whole time as it was always a last minute rush to get to Sydney for insemination and I do believe this effected my chance of success. As a result I have found it difficult not to be resentful of her and her son.
She is now talking about trying for number 2 in September/October. I have been honest with her and told her that I don't think I will cope with seeing her much if she did get pregnant again and I still hadn't had success in my own journey. I acknowledged it sounds selfish but I am just being honest about how I feel... I am already struggling with feelings of resentment towards her and if she had another child easily it would just compound them.
It is hard isn't it... we want to be "good supportive friends" but sometimes it's not possible.
I concieved my 13yr old daughter by accident and I realise that some people might resent me for that. I was 22 when I got pregnant. She is the best thing to ever happen to me and I am eternally grateful for her. I think I have always been acutely aware of how lucky I was to concieve her and I assumed it would be just as easy when I decided to try for another... how wrong I was. I kept all her baby stuff because I always knew I wanted another child and I can't believe someone's friend asked for their baby stuff because you won't be needing it! Until you are completely comfortable giving up that dream don't give anything away because giving that stuff away is a way of giving up your dream.
Years ago, before I had started my TTC journey but was thinking about my options, I was friends with a woman who had been going through IVF for years. I shared her hope, her tears, her resentment of other staff getting pregnant easily - like one woman who had a 9 month old and announced she was going to start trying for number 2 that month and then the following month announced she was pregnant again! Completely insensitive to what others might be going through.
Just a few weeks ago I had to evict a housemate because she hadn't paid her rent for a month. She then told me she couldn't move her furniture because she was pregnant. She had told me she was lesbian when she first moved in so I was confused since she had never said she was trying and she knew that I was going through IVF. Anyway I said "I didn't know you were trying?" and she said "I wasn't" - so obviously she's not a lesbian at all (maybe bisexual). That hurt so bad because it felt so unfair that this irresponsible woman who smokes and drinks and can't even pay her rent to keep a roof over her head, could get pregnant like that... it seems unfair because I wonder how she will be a good mother.
I know I will provide a great life for my child (as I have for my 13 yr old daughter) and I don't understand why it is so hard for some of us who would be good parents and so easy for some who won't be good parents.

Lori
DD 13
Started donor search Dec 06, Started donor insemination Jan 09, Started IVF Feb 10 - 1st IVF -BFN and no frosties

[Maggie]

Hugs to you Dreamrise- I'm starting to realise that there's little that's fair in life.