How do i cope with this?

[Sammiejane]

Not sure where to start this but here i go... i think that it will be long

DH has a child from a previous relationship, he is now 9 (He lives with his mum the majority of the time) and we get along great, always have. He was the first person that we told about the pg and have tried to involve him in decisions and choices etc etc with his new brother or sister, whether he wants to change rooms, buying things and making sure that he is not feeling left out at all... he is so excited thou!

I didnt want his Mum to find out straight away about the pg (i was only 7 weeks when DSS was told) but she found out straight away... i was very very angry at this - whcih caused issues as DH stuck up for DSS saying that he was just excited etc (i now see this and realise i was being irrational, but was so annoyed that DH did not sympathise with me) but she can be very nasty and i didnt want her putting out any bad vibes and what happens if i had of lost it - she would have loved that (i know thats nasty of me to say, but she would have) - also DH hadnt even been told and i didnt think that last person in the world i wanted to know should know before our families.

DSS was sick a few months ago now, so i was still in my first trimester or maybe a week into my 2nd - it was thought to be a cold and as i was off work for a few days i agreed to look after him (she doesnt like taking sick leave for him - instead insisting that we must) on the thursday night he went back to her and she took him to the drs. The next day she rang and said that he was still too unwell to go to school and that we would have to look after him again - i pretty much refused to take time off work as i may need my sick leave form myself (and anyway as she is the main caregiver shouldnt she be taking sick leave instead of us???) She said that she couldnt take time off and didnt want him to go in with her to work as the DR thought that he may have the mumps or chicken pox!!! i was so annoyed, she didnt want to expose herself to this but was happy to do it to me and my unborn? I was P*ssed to say the least (this time DH was very very supportive)

Since then she has been fine(ish) when i speak to her, she asks how i am and takes glee in the fact that i am pileing on the weight. she seems nice enough to me and seems to be positive about it to DSS (which i guess was more of my fear - that she would be horrid and fill his head with negatives about a baby bro/sis)
I have not seen her since being pg as i dont want to - i didnt always see her anyway.

Right now down to the business end - i really want DSS to come in very soon after i have given birth to meet his new Bro/sis BUT i am terrified she will want to come in too - she wanted to come to our wedding years ago and threatened not to let DSS be a part of it unless she came (it all worked out in the end - only because she had something on!)

i dont want her to have anything to do with my child - i far from agree with her parenting and i dont really like her to be honest, she uses her child to benefit her and i dont believe that she has his best interests at heart (but thats another story). I feel that just becasue i am involved in her sons life does not give her the right to be involved in my childs...

I have always tried to maintain a nice situation between us as i do not feel that it is going to be in DSS benefit to have obvious nastiness (not that it stops her being nasty about us to him though) I am always pleasent to her (except maybe one time that she told me really nasty things about DH when they were together and then expected me to break up with him/call off the engagement)

I have noticed that since i have become pg, i am resenting her more and more and as such at times am overly picky towards DSS(especailly if its anythig to do with his mum) - which i hate as i really love him as if he was my own (well as far as i know) and want only the best for him.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
Am i over reacting?

thanks for reading!

[Sammiejane]

No one??

I am being to think that i am horrid now...

[mrsmac]

Its very tricky sammi as when you have your own you prob won't love him as if he were your own, just cause he isn't.Not being mean but its such an emotional thing having your own child. I even found with my kids that you feel rush of protectiveness towards your newborn that even extends to protecting them from their older siblings IYKWIM?
Is there anyway he can be with DH's parents or someone until the time comes for him to be meeting his new sibling so that mum isn't involved? I wouldn't want my DH's X being one of the 1st people to see my new baby either!!!!
Sorry I haven't been more help, i will think about it some more LOL

[S'rose]

Its really hard hun... While I am only TTC, I absolutely loathe the idea of ex-wife participating in my life in any way, and she seems to be the same about DSD in parenting skills and interest. Fortunately she just remarried and he seems to be lovely and caring about DSD so things have improved.

I think partly you have hormones raging which makes this much tougher to handle, and at the same time, its very reasonable to want her far far away from birthing experience. Its so important not to pick at DSS or at least explain some irrationality in behaviour is beyond your control sometimes.

I don't have a resolution for you, but I completely understand your state of mind. HTH hun.

[~clover~]

I kinda understand as I had DH's exGF here for a while. They were about 8 years ago when they were like 15 & 16, & I've been with him for 7 1/2 years now & I had no problems when I first met her 2 1/2 years ago. I really liked her til I asked her to stay with us as she was having major family problems. I found out after she left that she was telling all my friends & DH's family lies about me & she was following him around making him coffee's & stuff like she was desperate for him to get back with her. she was here a total of 4 weeks & finally got the hint that she wasn't welcome anymore with out being told & left, but it still gets too me.
We haven't seen her or anyone in her family for about 6 months, but they are family friends of DH's family & I can't avoid them forever, but she doesn't know I'm pg yet & I kinda don't want her to know as I think she will use it to her advantage if she has the chance.
She knows DH wants a boy & she has a boy to someone else but she gave him DH's middle name which I thought was wierd right from the start.
Thankfully there are no kids together, but I am having enough trouble coping as it is without a link between them. And I know he has no interest at all. But that's just not enough for me.

I know where your coming from & I think I know whats going through her head - sabotage. But you guys are stronger than that. She will get her own life eventually & leave you alone. You just have to be patient til then for the sake of DSS.

[~clover~]

Ask if DH could pick him up to come see baby instead of her taking him in. Don't tell her anything, just get DH to knock on the door & say the baby's here can I take him to meet him/her. Maybe ring in advance to make sure he's there first.

[*bLuE*]

I'm not sure what to do.. But I would like to send you some Hugs. I hope that it all works out for you and your growing family.

[aussienic]

I think I would sit down dith your Dh and say.. Of course I want your DSS to be apart of all this but as we are now a family I would prefer if your ex didn't come to the hospital as I don't want her there during this special time.

Maybe another relative could bring your DSS to the hosp to see you and the new bub??

[julie26]

Sammie

I am sure you will ahndle this well as you sound like you have dealt with the situation well already. Does your DH have his mum or dad who could collect DSS when you are late in labour so that he can see new baby without her being there??

Also with you feeling picky towards DSS now, I think that the reality is you have now become a mother, as soon as you concieve your baby you start to feel protective of them etc, so you are just now seeing what the future could possibly hold with that women in your childs life, I am sure you don't mean to do this you probably at the moment just relating him to her and that is why you are being the way you are.

At the end of the day she has nothing to do with YOUR child/ren and you just need to stick to your guns to ensure she dosen't, I know you love your DSS BUT you also need to protect your child.

Hard situation I also have a DSS (10) and his mother is also not someone I would like my kids around so I just DO NOT allow it to happen. I know this will be hard for a while but I am sure it will all work out.

Good Luck

Julie

[Pretty Butterfly]

I am in a simular situation, as my first 2 are from a previous marriage and XH is re married also. Leaving the XW out completely may cause problems with DSS. He lives with her, and she is a big part of HIS life. What I done was when we left the hospital with bubba, we drove past the XH house to get the other kids. They all came out to see bubba, (who stayed in the car!!)and all she could say was "gorgeous baby". We gathered the kids and left. It made the other kids happy, and the new wife actually seems better now. I think seeing the real baby softened her up!! Maybe it could work for you?? Good luck, it is tricky juggling it all and looking after other peoples feelings!!

[Sammiejane]

Thanks guys for your comments!
DH family probably wont come into the hospital as they are not that close and unfortunatly hate DSS mum so would be best if they didnt see each other.
Spoke with my sister who offered to pick him up (she has met DSS mum and they are OK with each other) But i am concerned that she is just trying to please me - she will be at the birth and i dont want her to exhaust herself...

Had a chat with DH and he is totally in support of me and my opinions which i was relieved with - talking about it more, i realised that there may be visiting hours that everyone may have to leave for - that way DH can go and get DSS and not have to face the issue.

Jodie - the idea of doing a 'drive by' works with me... also thought that we would send DSS home with loads of pics so he could show off his brother/sister. She is a big part of his life and i do understand that - but i just dont want her to be part of my child/rens lives.