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Thread: And then there were three...

  1. #1

    Default And then there were three...

    Hi to all who regularly post to this forum.

    From the end of November, unless he decides to arrive early, I guess I become part of a "blended family". As it gets closer and closer, my anxiety levels have been increasing dramatically. I have two children, 10 and 8 from a previous relationship, and my DH has had no kids. He has been in my children's lives for the past 3 years, and prior to being with me had little to no experience with children. the past 3 years needless to say have been challenging to say the least, as both my kids and DH learn to accomodate each other.

    As if that isn't challenging enough, lets up the ante and fall pregnant and add another child into the mix...

    I feel so pulled in so many directions. There is a very clear distinction with DH that DD and DS are MY children, not his, and the one on the way is his. All I want is us to be a family, without borders of who belongs to who. Its stresses me out so much the division that is so apparent. And if it is so apparent now, I feel like it is only going to get worse once the baby arrives.



    Has anyone else experienced this with their "blended family"? Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm at my wits end, and would like to run away and hide.

  2. #2

    Join Date
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    Hi Vicky, please don`t take this the wrong way, but I don`t exactly understand this statement:

    Quote Originally Posted by Vicky Finch View Post
    There is a very clear distinction with DH that DD and DS are MY children, not his, and the one on the way is his. All I want is us to be a family, without borders of who belongs to who.(
    I`m not judging you at all, but to me the first sentence says to me that your living with two separate families yours and ours (when your little one arrives), yet the second sentence your saying you want to be a family. I`m just totally confused LOL

    When I grew up I had 2 sisters, one 10 years older from Mum`s previous relationship and one 3 years younger from the same Dad as myself, we were ALWAYS a family and never did my elder sister refer to myself or younger sister as half sisters or vice versa, My Dad was like a Dad to my elder sister, he was their for her through the good and bad times and I don`t ever recall Mum saying that she is her daughter and not his.

    I`m also Mum to two stepsons and I have two sons to their father, we see DH`s boys on a regular basis, I treat them like my own, this includes discipline as well, the 4 boys are all brothers, there are no barriers in this family when we`re all together, it`s really the only way it can work if all children are treated the same way. We haven`t had any issues with the boys accepting their younger brothers, in fact just yesterday I had one of the elder boys ask if Dad and I will be having more children as he`d still like a sister

    Not sure if I`ve helped you and I think I did go off the topic a bit their but I do stress that it is really, really important that all children are treated in the same way by both yourself and your DH.

    Take Care

    Dee

  3. #3

    Join Date
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    I wouldn't be of much help to you either I'm afraid! My first three kids are from a previous relationship, but my DH refers to all the kids his. I guess like Dee I don't understand your statement either.
    But I do wish you all the very best & hope things work out, just remember to take everything as it comes, as anxiety can make things worse. Relax, I'm quite sure things will just fall into place when bubby comes!

  4. #4

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    I think she mean that her children will always be seen as "hers" whereas the new baby will be seen as theirs, and she just wants to be able to be a family where ( i know what i want to say but cant word it... grrr) She wants DH to treat her children like his own. IS that about right Vicky?? If now, please let me know...

    Im sorry i cant help you, im one of the lucky ones that my son from a previous relationship gets treated like the of the kids.

    I hope things work out, and good luck with your baby...

  5. #5

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    Vicky ... hugs to you at what must be a really stressful time.

    I completely understand how you feel. Em & Jack are from my first marriage and obviously Asha from my second. We have had some issues in the past of them being "my" kids and not Ryan's. I feel the same about my step DD's. I have met them once and they certainly are Ryan's girls. Don't get me wrong I love them but I have had so very little to do with them that I don't know them.

    As for my two, we have had some issues along the way, in particular one when we were on holidays in Qld with Sian & Bree. The kids were jumping on the beds and we told them to stop. One of them kept going and Ryan assumed it was Jack (and normally it would have been) so he yelled at him. WHen it was discovered to be Bree he stopped yelling, didn't apologise to Jack and was all lovey doevy to Bree ... I let rip ... told him to make sure he got things straight in his head and that he can't treat the kids differently. He got the message and even though we haven't seen the girls since I am sure he wouldn't make that mistake again.

    Em & Jack talk about Ryan as "Dad" but Jack still calls him Ryan most of the time. They still see their Dad every holidays but then it is all fun and good times!! Ryan is the one who helps hold us together and helps with the day to day decisions about our family.

    Vicky ... I would be sitting down with your DH and finding out right now about how he feels this baby is going to change things and then make it clear about what you want this baby to mean. I made sure Ryan knew that this baby (Asha) was joining both of our families together and that there were to be under no circumstances any preferential treatment of anyone!!!

    Wow I don't know if any of that made sense to you or if I just repeated myself ... but whatever you do needs to be done before the baby arrives. Including making sure that your older two kids understand they won't be loved any differently or any less. Get it straight now and there will be less stress once the baby has arrived.

    Best wishes with everything!

    Cheers

  6. #6

    Join Date
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    It is very difficult to start afresh when you are an already made family isnt it. I can understand why you are feeling anxious....I think its completely natural and to want no distinctions as to whose baby is whose is a perfectly reasonable request.

    My first two dd's are from a previous relationship but having been with my Dh since they were 18 months and 31/2 I think we missed any serious probs because they were so young and my DH has been Dad to them ever since. There are NO and I mean NO distinctions as to who my DH has biologically fathered and who he hasnt and quite frankly I wouldnt put up with it if there was. Maybe you need to reiterate that your Dh has married into a family already and that its the package deal or nothing..that separate titles or whatever is only adding to your stress and making you worry unnecessarily and that is not good for the baby either.

    I have seen blended families work so well and others not work so well...i hope you can smooth out any wrinkles you may have and enjoy the rest of your pregancy and beautiful new baby.

    Jo

  7. #7

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    Thank you all for your responses. Simone interpreted what I meant correctly. I think Kelly and Jo you are both right. There needs to be a conversation between me and DH, one where I get everything off my chest. I think the next time the kids are at their Dad's for the weekend will be the right time for that. Between now and then I will write down what my concerns are, sometimes having down on paper can keep the emotion out of it, and you can stick to the facts.

    Unfortunately as you all know, pregnancy makes your emotions go on a roller coaster ride, so I'm sure that is contributing to the whole thing as well. Wish I had a crystal ball...

  8. #8

    Join Date
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    Oh Vicky, I hate the pg hormonal issue too! My DH sometimes blames my tanties on them Grrrrr.
    Hope you get to have your chat with DH soon. It will all work out I am sure.
    I guess it was different for me cos DH & I were together for 7 years before we had OUR OWN child.
    Wishing you all the best of luck!!

  9. #9

    Join Date
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    Hi Vicky

    I have a DD from my first marriage, and my DP has a daughter from his previous relationship. Both girls turned 6 this year and his daughter has lived with us since she was about 4 1/2. Both girls see their other parent 2 - 3 times a week and the relationships are good between us all. Both girls now call us Mummy and Daddy.

    We are now having our first 'together', but we have talked at length, since we starting trying for #3 about how we this will effect our family. We have been through counselling, and still go from time to time as things come up. I am basically Chloe's mummy, although she has a mother. I do all the mummy things, like school things, dancing, taking her to the dr etc.

    Blended families are complicated, and have their share of difficulties, but I have found that now that I just don't think of my family as being any different to any other "normal" family, I have been able to handle the challenges that come up.

    Good luck Vicky

    Jo

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