how to say they are not invited

[Jennifer13]

I'm really surprised you didn't invite partners and children to a child's first birthday party. First time i've ever heard of it!

Why would you not invite kids and partners? it's not drinks celebrating the end of uni!

[krysalyss]

To be honest, if someone invited me to a kids birthday and didn't put my DS on the invite I would just assume you did it for convenience and/or couldn't spell my DS' name. It would never even cross my mind that I would be invited to a kids event to go by myself. And if my DS wasn't invited and I rocked up to see other people's kids I would be pretty offended. So I guess I have to agree with pretty much everyone else that has posted.

[Tegam]

Gees don't you just HATE it when you are really put out/worked up over something and no one agrees with you! You must feel like you are banging your head up against the wall.

Hugs

[briggsy's girl]

To be honest, if someone invited me to a kids birthday and didn't put my DS on the invite I would just assume you did it for convenience and/or couldn't spell my DS' name. It would never even cross my mind that I would be invited to a kids event to go by myself.

this is how i feel. I would find it odd to be invited without my DD when it's a kids party - whether she knows them or not. Sometimes social "events" such as this are the way that children get their first exposure to other kids and friendships can develop

FWIW - DD's first birthday, I only put parents names on the invites (well, the envelopes for the invites) - for one, many of them were posted, so i didn't want to list everyone on the posted envelopes - and for two, her godparents (as one example) have 9 kids - i can never remember the order they're born in, or who to invite/exclude so i leave it up to them. Yes, DD was only turning one, but she had a blast with kids she'd not seen in (basically) her whole life - and the older kids all played together happily. i also allowed friends (older) to bring their grandkids (and my dd has been invited to parties with her granma) to make it more enjoyable for everyone.

yeah, it's more a celebration for mum and dad that you've made it through a year - but it's still a family day (IMO) - and like many others, i wouldn't sacrifice my time with my own hubby and kids to hang out with other people and kids - especially when it's been selective in which partners and kids are invited, and mine have been excluded. i'd find it really off-putting.

[Butterfly Dawn]

Sounds like your in "a rock and a hard place" sitation.
If invites were sent and only her name on - then she really should have checked about hubby and kids but it seems alot of people assume that 1=all.
Personally , I would always check.
Would love to know how the party goes. Hope her kids behave in a reasonable fashion. You shouldnt have to police your house, but I wouldn't hesitate in reminding her to watch her own children. You cant be expected to keep an eye on them all as the host, each parent should be watching their own kids- thats fair. Perhaps even explain some basic house rules to the kids when they get there?

[Ilithyia]

I have to agree, I'd assume that my girls were invited also. I wouldn't however assume that my DP was invited as its a kids party not a party/bbq.

If I was invited and it was pointed out that only myself and not my girls were invited, I probably wouldn't go. I don't see the point of being a childrens birthday party without my kids and frankly, I'd feel terrible that they weren't there and I was.

Sorry if its not what you want to hear hun No offence...just my personal opinion.

[NaeNae]

but wow i hope they don't play up, drawing on my walls with pencils will not go down nicely with DH! he won't have it!

I think this is your main gripe with the situation personally.

For a first birthday "thing" I would probably go with DD and leave DH at home even if it was JUST my name on the invite. Its a baby's birthday not a family gathering (if you are inviting close friends and mothersgroup people its more than just a small family do) Therefore I would assume my child could come too. Perhaps not Hubby but definately my child afterall it IS for a child.

DO I think your friend was rude for assuming - No I don't. If you feel she was being rude for assuming they ALL were invited without clarifying with you first - then really it comes back to you because you have failed to mention specifically partners and children were NOT invited.

Try removing yourself and your feelings on this and put yourself in her shoes. Pretend for a minute that she had said to you come to my childs 1st but its only you who is invited, you might ask why you might not, but how would YOU feel if you rocked up and there were other people with their Hubbies and kids there who were not family.

I would bet deep down some part of you would question why is it ok for them and not for me?

Now to what I really think your issue is - the kids misbehaving and drawing on walls etc.

Yes it can be really upsetting and infuriating. If the parents are NOT supervising their own children you might just have to say something to them. You might just have to pull the kids up on their behaviour. You might just have to say to the mother - please clean up after the kids. If the kids are not responding to your requests you MIGHT just have to ask them to leave.

But thats part and parcel of hosting parties of any kind.

I know you didn't quite get the response you were looking for. With all due respect knowing she has kids and not inviting them was a little rude on your behalf unless you were to specifically state no partners or children welcome on the invites.

Same as with wedding invites you need to specify IF children are NOT invited otherwise people would rightly assume that their kids are welcome to attend.

Nae x

[*EJ*]

Not to rub it in even more but thinking of it from your friends behalf she probably has no idea at all you have those opinions of her DH and children and wouldn't realise that she as come accross as being rude for assuming.

The stress in planning parties....

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

Perhaps the OP is getting a bit upset because it seems a lot of people haven't read through ALL of the replies?

Based on your first, unedited post, I thought you were asking how to tell her the rest of the family weren't invited. I did think that was weird and a bit rude. However, now that you've said that the family hasn't met yours, and you only put her name on the invite, I think it's perfectly reasonable to be upset that she didn't clarify before inviting her family.

[AliBaby]

Just wanted to give you one of these

I am of the thinking that a first birthday party is really for the parents of the child who turned one. It is not really for entertainment value for other children. It is a get together of people in the birthday child's and parent's life to celebrate the first year of the child's life so I can completely understand that you would only want people who are in your child's life there.

I do thinkits rude to assume others are invited when they have had nothing to do with your child's life. If the invite were for her children it would have their names on it and it would be fair enough for her to assume she would be taking them and therefore invvited as she is the parent but the invite is not for the children.

Anyway big for you. You shouldnt have to deal with unnecessary stress.

[Tegam]

At least I've learnt that I'll now be double checking EVERY invite we get from now on.

It's funny that I would have assumed that it was ok for all of us to go but I NEVER take other sibling when one of my kids is invited to a birthday party. I find that highly rude.

Maybe my issue is now I don't see myself as an individual, but rather a package deal LOL

[Babyluv]

I'm surprised at how many people have said that they would just assume that their children/partners were invited to an event if it was only their name stated on the invite. If it was only my name on the invite I'd assume only I was invited and I'd then decide if I wanted to go without my family, I wouldn't end the friendship over it especially considering it's a uni friend. If it were family or a really close friend who knew my dd really well and they had invited other children then I'd be hurt by it and probably not go. I think it's an awkward situation now that she has assumed her whole family is invited. Had she questioned just her name on the invite it would have given you the opportunity to say sorry we are trying to keep it small, I'd love you there because of your support during my pregnancy etc. I don't think you're being rude. A first birthday is so special and I understand you only wanting ppl there who have had a part in your and your dd journey so far. I hope she has a wonderful first birthday
Hugs!

[Catherine]

My two cents:
If you feel like the party dynamic does not suit older children (and it is still appropriate to say) I see no reason why you couldn't be honest and say, that her family is welcome, but just so she knows the only other children there will be really little. She may decide that she is fine with that, but appreciate the opportunity to tell her kids what to expect. For example, you can say, there won't be party games or kids-party type food; her husband may be looking for an 'out' anyway! As host, you get to set the scene, and if you want a more civilised gathering, I think it is fine to 'warn' your friend that this is the case. But it sounds like it is past that point, and you are resolved to go with the flow ()

btw: 'magic erasers' work great for getting marks off walls, whether your guests do it (hope not...but might be wise to do a 'pen check' in advance) or your own child (who probably will draw on the walls before too long!)

All the best.
Catherine

[Trillian]

I think there is a big lesson to be learned here HJ Firstly, you probably have to wear a bit of the responsibility over it happening in the first place - judging by the replies here it is uncommon to get an invite like that and no wonder there was confusion - obviously your friend is of the same view as everyone here and assumed that it was a blanket invitation. So maybe next time word your invitation so they are under no illusion about who is invited But by the same token I wouldn't have assumed it and RSVP'ed for everyone - I'd personally call and check that it was OK first and I have done that for kids parties that my kids were invited to if I knew I couldn't get a baby sitter for the younger ones. Now the kids are old enough I just dump and run LOL. And obviously you realise that you can't uninvite them without creating a LOT of tension between you and your friend so now you just have to go into damage control and hope that the DH isn't a jerk and the kids don't wreck your house.
I know when we've had parties we've very explicitly put everyone's names on them - same with all the invites we've ever gotten. So I get your point about that one and thinking it is just rude to assume it was fine. I remember taking DD2 to a birthday party once and one of the other kids arrived - with her parents and 2 other siblings and it was clear that they were there to stay and th host did have a bit.ch about it, but I thought she was justified because only the child was invited, it was a party for a 6 year old and they just assumed too that an invite for the child meant an invite for ALL of them.

[misty]

Because of the type of event (first birthday party), I would have assumed that an invite for me extended to include my family, regardless of whether my friend had met my family or not. Certainly, If I had been to person inviting, then I would have expected that they may bring their partners and children. If I had been told when I got the invite that only I was invited (not my kids and hubby), I wouldn't have been offended - bt I think that need to be explained WITH the invite, given the type of event.

What makes the ettiquette rules different in this situation to a wedding or adult party, is the fact that those events are adult events, a 1yr old party tends to be a family event. Even for a wedding or adult party, although I would not assume my children where invited, I would assume my DH was invited with me, and I would think it extremely poor form and rude if he were not (the exceptionbeing if it were a girls only event).

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

This is my response based on both your original post & title and the further information provided - not taking into account any other responses:

1. How to say they are not invited: regarding the title i think the only chance to have mentioned they were not actually included would have been when she said her DH and children would be attending, i would have said i'm sorry but we are having a small get together and only inviting those who shared my journey and DD's first year, i hope you don't mind but we are only having 'family' children attend.

2. So do you find it rude that she is bringing her family along without asking? If i had received the invite from a friend under these circumstances i personally would assume my children are invited unless stated ádult only' for me it's more the matter we take our children everywhere and very rarely attend functions without them but our friends and family know they so it's generally stated on the invitation.

3. It's your daughters b'day and you need to be happy with who attends and HOW it pans out, if you were not aiming for a 'party' atmosphere i think written invitations gives people the feeling that is IS a party IYKWIM, personally i don't see the difference b/w a gathering of family/friends and a 'party'. But YOU need to be happy about it all.
If you wanted to address the issue now then i would suggest mentioning there are only going to be younger family children in attendance, no games and no kiddy food and her kids may get bored. That way your not saying that they CAN'T come and it's giving her an out IYKWIM.

[Rouge]

Two things for me. It's a kids birthday and yes I would assume based on that it would be for families as I have never been to a first birthday where kids weren't invited. I also wouldn't invite someone to my house if I wasn't comfortable with their whole family. I would either expect them to all come and be ok with that or not invite them.

On the flip side if I was invited to a first birthday and it was made clear to me that my family wasn't invited I probably wouldn't go at all. It would be different if it was an adult party and everyone didn't know each other. But even then unless it was a girls night out I wouldn't expect a friend to not come with their partner whether I knew them or not. That's probably when I would check to see if it was kid free. But never check to see if it was partner free. But maybe that's more reflective of the dynamics of the friendships I have or the circles we mingle with rather than etiquette. I'm not sure. But I wouldn't be offended at the assumption because I think that's pretty standard judging by the responses here.

[Maruschke]

HJ I hope you don't feel too bad at the sheer volume of responses you have received that weren't what you expected .

As a side note, I've never had a friendship last where either I didn't like the friend's other half or children, or vice versa. My family is very very tight. If you don't like DH, you don't get me, we are a tight package, no exceptions.