Possums - great thread idea

I always thought that I had worked through all my issues of anger and "its not fair" by the time we started TTC. See I have always known that falling pregnant was going to be an issue for me. I have never had a proper cycle. When I was young the doc's just put this down to me being underweight (I was a ballet dancer), but just before my DH and I got married I was finally properly diagnosed with PCOS. I was a bit of an atypical case as weight was not an issue (which also meant that I could not help my fertility by losing weight) and testosterone was not an issue either. But needless to say I was going to have problems falling pregnant naturally.

I thought I was fine with accepting all of this and when we started TTC with OI I just threw myself into it and thought "this is just my cross to bear - I will get pregnant". Then my younger sister who had just got married fell pregnant. They were not officially trying, but they went off the pill and she fell pregnant straight away. I was obviously happy for her (she is a wonderful sister) but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was devastated, I couldn't talk to her without crying, so I just avoided her as I did not want to upset her at a time when she should be rejoycing (although I know that hurt her just as much).

We then found out that we had to move to IVF. I was just so damaged by this time, angry, upset... I withdrew from everyone, my family and my friends as I just could not handle anything. BB was really my saving grace as it was the only place where people actually understood the pain that I was feeling. After our first cycle was a BFN I was obviously devastated, but something happened inside me. It was like I let go of all the negative stuff. I suddenly was able to feel excited for my sister and reconnected with people. I don't know how it happened, but it did and I felt at peace with my journey. It was after this that we got our BFP on our FET cycle (I'm not saying that me making peace with it all made the difference - but that is how things worked for me).

To all of you still going through hard, emotional journey... I admire everyone of you, I feel your heartache and I am here cheering you all on every step of the way. You are all such amazing women who will be the most incredible mothers. Each time one of you achieves your BFP - it brings back the feeling I had when I achieved mine.

Janie xxx