The best way to cope with other people's pregnancies/babies?
Hello, I know there have been similar threads to this in the past, but I wanted to raise this issue again on the forum here, as I find myself in a challenging situation and would like to hear other's perspectives/advice....
To let you the context:
Many of you already know my history (and my signature shows it)...anyway, we are still on an enforced TTC break, so still in limbo- and it is hard for me to conceive, but also I am now always going to be at higher miscarriage risk for a few reasons (including high thyroid antibodies, which my endocrinologist is concerned about)... so I feel we are dealing with a few different challenges, as well as the losses we have already faced.
This time last year I was pregnant, so it's been a tough time of year for me.
Now, one of my friends has recently had a baby. Another has just had a successful IVF cycle. These were two friends I used to discuss fertility related things with a lot, as they have both had their own share of struggles.
Now however, while I honestly am glad for them and their success, and wish them well, I am finding it very hard to deal with, given the place I am still at. I feel sad, anxious, angry, jealous, left behind, and well, it just hurts to see their babies or hear about their pregnancy etc. It just feels too much for me to handle sometimes.
I find myself not wanting to socialise with them. Invitations to join them for things are coming in, and I dont want to go. Then I feel guilty and like I should go and maintain the friendship and be involved and supportive of their lives.
But at the same time I feel I need to protect myself and do what's right for me at the moment. I also feel like sometimes even they don't understand my situation fully, because right now I am not going through anything tangible (eg an actual IVF cycle)...yet I am constantly having blood tests still to check my thyroid, am anxiously waiting the next specialist appointment to find out what's next and when we can start trying...am nervous about when/if I will fall pregnant, and worried about another miscarriage and the risks they keep telling me. So all this hangs over my life at all times.
I am doing my very best to be active and involved in activities I enjoy, to share fun times with DH etc, to try and get joy out of life and be active in life, and be positive while we are in this limbo/situation. It still hangs over things though.
So I guess in short, what do you think is the best way for me to handle this situation with grace?
Thanks
i know i havent been through as much as u but TTC#2 at the moment is really hard for me coz all these ppl around are preg and most of them by accident it just makes me so jealous and not happy for them i feel horrible i think i find it easier if i just dont talk to them about it not sure if that helps im not really sure wat to suggest
maybe stay unsociable until u are comfortable with the situation or at least better than u are now it could just help to just stay away a bit longer
I know at times during our struggle for a baby it took 5 pg and 5 years before we brought Jack home another m/c and 3 years of TTC for Luke, I just took time out from socialising friends who had been there understood those that hadn't learnt too... I am sure your friends will understand if you want to step back and take a little time to yourself
Hi Possums. I tried to post on your blog this morning but couldn't.
I wanted to let you know that you're not on your Pat Malone and that I'm thinking of and praying for you.
I currently am avoiding my family as there are two babies as well as numerous nieces and nephews that I love to bits but I just can't be near. Also can't be around my siblings / sisters in law as all they talk about is pregnancies and children. Plus am now avoiding a friend as she has just announced her pregnancy.
I am about to embark on seeing a counsellor in order to figure out how to deal with my depression and anger. Meanwhile, what do you believe the best course of action is for you? As one of the other ladies said, your friends will, in all likelihood, support you and understand your absence for the time being. I've only told 4 people what I'm going through now (ivf). I told them that if I looked down or didn't turn up to an event to please not question me, maybe just give me a hug. So far, it's worked great. DH wants to go to his sister's party tonight and I'm not going. That's how it is for me.
Thanks also Rach and Moonflower...I think perhaps I need to have a chat with these friends about how I am feeling, or perhaps put my feelings into an email to them...at the moment, I think they honestly don't realise how hard I am finding it. Perhaps a bit focussed on their own stuff, and I also haven't really expressed directly how I feel and that I need to step back. Maybe they will realise the reason I am not at some events and see through my excuses...maybe not though, unless I do make it clear. That might make it easier for me and easier for them to understand too.
p.s do you think an email would be ok for expressing a few things? It would give me the space and time to clearly express how I feel, and might make them feel less uncomfortable....or is talking a better option?
Moonflower, meant to say good luck with the counsellor
Rach- you've had such a hard road and it's nice to read it at least has had a positive ending
All I know is how I handled it. I wrote about 4-5 different emails over a period of about a week and sent none of them. I found that I really needed the 'personal touch' . Having written all those unsent emails helped me to get my thoughts in order. I was lucky I suppose in that the women I told (2 sisters, 1 sister in law and a friend) all just let me speak and didn't interrupt. They were probably shocked! One sister actually thought I was going to give her "good news".
Does that sound any good to you? I'm glad I spoke with my gals. It was hard and I cried a lot whilst I got my story out but as I'd warned them upfront that I would cry, they were really good about it. We cried, hugged and they each, in their own way, offered support whenever, whereever and however I needed it.
I'm hoping that as your friends had previous difficulties, they will be even more 'on side' with you than my gals who have all procreated with wanton abandon!
I'll let you know how the counselor goes. It's gotta be better than what I'm doing.
Hi Possums, I too am guilty of harbouring nasty, jealous, horrible thoughts about family members who have recently conceived or are currently pregnant. Actually, it's my partner's family. What makes it harder is my partner (who has children from a previous relationship) doesn't understand why it upsets me so much to talk about her current PG, which just frustrates and upsets me even more. Plus the ***** of an ex knows we're trying to conceive and family gatherings where she's there and family members who are PG, and it's just horrible.
I think only you know what you can handle. If that means you don't accept invites to parties where kids/pregnant friends/family are there, then that's what you do to get through things. I think your friends who have also had infertility issues will totally understand where you're coming from. How could they not? I mean, they've been on the same journey we're all on, right?
Possums, can I ask you about your high thyroid antibodies? I have underactive thyroid and only recently found out I have two of the three thyroid antibodies. The one I don't have is the one that can be transferred from mother to baby while pregnant. I can't remember the levels, but my endy didn't seem too worried about them. Do you remember the names of yours and levels? Do you take clexane/aspirin/steroids for this? We did that combo on our last IVF cycle but it didn't work for us. Just be interested to hear ... Keep your chin up!
I'll share with you something I use time and time again with babies & friends...
I remind myself that I wouldn't wish my journey on anyone else, especially not someone that I love.
Good friends accept that this is hard on those still waiting for that blessing. It's important that if you want to tell them you're not coping, that you do it with love and then they won't feel like you are pushing them away because of what they have rather than the fact that you desire to have the same.
I feel your pain deeply in my soul as I am going through exactly the same situation. My best friend is expecting her 2nd baby while I am still struggling to have my first. We're nearly the same age, I am a few months younger than her, and we started trying to have a baby at the same time about 4 years ago.
I am really really happy for her and her family. The same time I wish I have half of her luck. I think the best option is to tell her how I feel and hope she understands.
It's nearly impossible to maintain the same friendship as her focus changes to her children. We will have to move on, enjoy and live the best of our life.
Hope you're feeling better and wish 2010 will bring you a baby.
Thanks Brenda for the support and understanding...I am sorry for your struggles and hope 2010 brings us both a baby in our arms - it must be very hard for you with your friend also
afm- well I emailed one friend with great results...her response was lengthy and understanding...am seeing the other friend soon, will see if the topic comes up at all then
Glad to read that you had a good response from your friend. That's so great. We all need support and to get it from our nearest and dearest is the best. I sure hope it all goes well with friend No 2.
My s-i-l has been great. Ringing every so often to see how I'm doing. In fact, she's been more pro-active that either of my actual sisters! Caring just enough but not being intrusive. I'm very blessed.
I've been getting better myself. The big test will be when we have a family event the weekend after this one. Here's hoping huh?!?
im in the same boat as you....with my current partner we have been trying for 2+ yrs.
its not an easy road to go down, but you need to do what is right for you!! if you need time your family should respect that. i find it quite difficult to cope with as everyday i see or hear about someone i know thats become pg.
since our m/c no one in our families have asked us about having kids (except for my nana, dont get me started with that ) though my mum drops a hint every now and again and to make things worse our families dont know we are going to be doing ivf. i REALLY dont need that extra presure
my partner has a 5yr boy which he stays with us when my partner is back in town, it has taken my a good 3yrs to get use to him being around. though sometimes it gets hard to watch him and his dad play with each other, it just breaks my heart...thats what i want.
i have my good days and my bad days, i personaly stay at home more and really dont going shopping that much anymore because i dont need to be reminded. i do get drepressed lot!! it doesnt help that my husband works out of town and im home by myself. my husband has suggested that i go talk to someone about it because i do get really down.
moonflower - has councelling helped???
most of the time i put on a brave face on in most situtions but im falling apart on the inside
Possums - i hope you find the help you need and im glad your getting the support
The best way to cope with other people's pregnancies/babies?
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xoxoxo
) though my mum drops a hint every now and again 
and to make things worse our families dont know we are going to be doing ivf. i REALLY dont need that extra presure 
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