I am just here to vent really...having a bad day...just teary and emotional...I guess it goes in these swings...
Realised if our pregnancy earlier this year had lasted, I would have a baby right now...would have been due in October...since then I have lost another....and still waiting.... yesterday I was doing OK! Have seen my naturopath though and hopefully the supplements etc will start helping soon...and acupuncture tomorrow....
Emma... Its something I was thinking about just yesterday. What makes me want to continue when I can't see it ever happening. And for me, its my DH. His absolute faith that we will get that dream.
He is my strength and hope. I always make sure he stops and hears me when I feel pain and loss of hope. He has learnt over the past couple of years to not fix and just hold me, and hold me up at times too. Every time he says to me, it will happen, we will have a baby, I feel like I can breathe because he's right there wanting it with me and I know without a doubt, he will never let things get to a point where we can't cope with whats happening. He will always put my health and our life ahead of the dream, because without that the dream can't happen.
And he does not waver in his faith. Its taken so much work but he talks to me about wanting our child and I know that whatever he says, he really means.
So no, I lose faith constantly and I don't always want to think about another cycle. I want AF to go away and never come whether I have a child or not, because she reminds me of failure allllll the time.
But still, deep in my heart the longing wins out, and while physically I have a chance, I will keep at it. Generally just because I am stubborn and the darned failure is just not going to beat me.
And I have spent the last 2.5 years hoping that the baby would get me out of my work situation, and here I still am. But I have taken that moment, and reclaimed my life for a minute. Being unhappy at work, surely that makes it harder to get through the lows we face so much. So am I resigning in December. I don't have another job, but I can temp and I can survive. Paying for AC gets harder but for me, I need to work and be happy. I need something that can break the misery of not conceiving and I have put it off for too long. I am worth more than a cr@ppy job. I'm at the point where I'll try to change anything and everything in the hope that its enough to get me that darned dream.
The world's greatest hugs. I can't imagine your sorrow, but I can empathise with the frustration hun. All the love in the world to you.
Thanks S'rose...it helps just knowing people like you are here to talk to. I admire your strength, even if you don't always feel strong. It's wonderful your DH can help you so much. Mine is learning now too, to hug and hold, and not try and fix. He's come a long way in that area this year!
Thanks Emma, spirits are stronger than we are. And I'm thrilled your DH is learning to hold you and not fix you. Its so much easier to be strong with others, and thats why BB is so important to me. DH knows that if he can't be there, I have somewhere to go to lean on people who understand.
I'm sure its the same for us all.
You are not alone and you are loved for your strength whether you feel it or not.
You have survived and sometimes thats strength enough in the early days. If you hang in there long enough, better days eventually come along. And until then, we'll be your strength.
You've shown strength in just reaching out for support too. Don't forget how hard it can be just to ask for help.
Oh Possums - how much you have lost in such a short time my heart goes out to you. You have had three very special angle babies who deserve to be remembered as you remember them, and one day soon you will have a special one that you can hold onto forever and every (well until they get squirmy and dont want to be seen with their mum!).
FG
thanks farmgirl.... some days now I am doing OK, and then out of the blue, something makes me remember and the tears come again. At least I'm getting all the emotions out there I guess...i think I bottled lots up last time and tried to keep pushing forward...
You are doing brilliantly hun... Keep it up. Who knows what the next couple of natural cycles will bring. I have heard women are a bit more fertile after D&C... Anyway...Jan isn't too far off either. I understand the yearning - we all do. here for you
just a quick question ladies.... any advice/ticks up your sleeve, for things you do to try and live life/enjoy life outside the TTC rollercoaster? I am trying but getting back into sport/activities I enjoy...and DH and I trying to spend time doing the things we like doing..making an effort to plan happy things, rather than just cruising along... (or not cruising as the case sometimes is...lol). It's tough though..the baby thing seems to loom large...i guess that's to be expected
Possums, good on your for actively making some effort to change things.
After my m/c, DH and I were treating ourselves for some holidays, we had an overseas holiday impending in two months time, but went to blue mountain before that just for a relaxed weekend and stayed at Peppers resort so we can enjoy some luxury (the venue wasn't stunning but that is another topic )
We also tried to keep up the exercise/outdoor acitivites, like swimming, tennis, bush walking etc. Now it is summer, Bondi to Bronte walk would be top on my list (we just did that when 'Sculpture by the sea' was on)...
It can also be a simple things at home, a relaxing bath, a gourmet meal with your favourate wine, a piece of beautiful music. DH & I have more quite calm time just sitting at the backyard and appreciate nature and peaceful life we have...sure we are missing a piece in life ATM, but we tried to cherish everyday and live it to a full.
Oh, I planted a rose in meomory of my angel baby and also did a painting to remember the days that he was inside of me and it is hanging in our spare room. I find painting is a good outlet for me to calm myself down and letting things out.
Good luck hun! Look after yourself and it will get easier I can assure you....hugs x
I've always found going on a holiday to be the perfect escape. If this appeals, you may want to consider a place that doesn't allow children or where there is not likely to be little children. For example, we went to a no children resort in Fiji earlier this year and loved it. Although we weren't on our honeymoon (and most people were), what this meant was no one asked about children nor were there children around and we were able to really relax and enjoy each other's company.
Thanks ladies...going away for a week, in a week's time...just on the north coast, spending time surfing/walking etc, so I think that will be a good break and help us keep moving forward
and last night I lit candles and had a nice bath and felt some kind of inner peace, and even though it was relatively short lived, it was nice for a while
a kid free resort in Fiji sounds lovely!
Possums...I feel like I have read my own posts while reading through this thread...I so feel your pain and frustration and you have reminded me again of the miracle I have been blessed with. It is such a tough journey ...the what if's ...the 'why's'...it's all consuming. I remember every due date and how old each bub would be now...it is in your heart forever...you are in my thoughts hun and I will be hoping and praying for you to have your little one in your arms ...soon xxx
I forgot to mention one thing which helped me a lot to shift my focus from TTC at the time and still doing it now - ebay.
I find its a great way to get rid of the clutter in the house, I've sold so many things from household items to clothes, this is also a great way from Fengshui point of view to get rid of the old/negative energy and letting the new energy in....I have also happened to turn the 'things parked in the garage' into cash...so had lots of fun doing it...
cuddlepie..lol, ebay sounds like a great way to clear clutter and make a little bit of $ at the same time.
I thought you planting a rose and doing a painting was lovely too. Perhaps we'll plant something for our angel too. we did a little candle ceremony as a farewell for the little spirit...but something to remember is a nice idea too
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my heart goes out to you. You have had three very special angle babies who deserve to be remembered as you remember them, and one day soon you will have a special one that you can hold onto forever and every (well until they get squirmy and dont want to be seen with their mum!).
and yes, I have more hope for the future again now
)
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