i really do not think anyone really understands unless you've been thru it.
i knew of people who had done IVF and i never understood it, the emotions, the pain, and how hard it was to get pregnant.
the thing is if it wasn't for BB i think i would feel that no one really understands.
we have some friend who have been lttc for 3 years and announced preg when i had my last BFN. it was so very hard for me to be happy for her and i avoided her like the plague, only recently congratulating her.
be strong, and remember you've got your BB friends. kisses and hugs
thanks everyone. I am sorry it's just as hard for you, but relieved you understand.
sandygirl- I hope the counselling helps. I am about to see a psychologist, but like you, I have been pretty negative about most things lately. Trying to be more positive now though, since we have resumed IVF and I feel I need to try
hi possums,
just a slightly different perspective... yep we've had that lack of understnding from people when we mention it and they don't understand the massive emotional and physical toll involved. but i don't like to go into great detail and it's not theri fault they don't know... so it doesn't really bother me too much. i figure they've got issues in their lives that i don't know about as well. but my mother i'm a little less forgiving of, specially seeing she loves a drama and talking to all her friends about her "woes'' of no grandkids yet.. bbrrrhhh...
every single one of our best friends bar two had babies last year. but i didn't feel anything but happiness and joy for them. my best mate was nervous about telling me only because she didn't want to upset me. i told her not to be silly and its all good. she is a pharmacist though and has a bit more of a clue about it all. after our first cycle i told her everything (no one knew at that stage) and she was so good, she sent me a beautiful prayer (she's fairly religious) she printed out and although i'm not overly religious it meant heaps to me.
but really, we have only told one person in detail about what's happening and when. everyone else is kept at a vague "we're doing ivf sometime this year'' distance. that one friend's sister went through ivf for both her children and knew so mch. she's a very smart lady and is a great friend and I found her suppport absolutely invaluable. she's single not kids (wants all of it though) and has her own issues. we are probably the exception cos we are totally at different stages in life but seem to feed off one another and have grown much closer over hte past 12 months.
we are also living nowhere near any friends or family due to DH being in the defence forces so we can fly under the radar a bit more and only see our friends maybe once a year. but i work the phones hard and it's much easier not to let on over the phone.
in saying all this, it looks pretty rosy for us, but i'm sure i'll have a different perspective a few year's down the trakc if this current bfp (at 6wks now) doesn't work out. I"m definiely concerned about the ''left behind factor''.
hope you find something helpful in that possums. take care of you. ooxx
thanks for that perspective Grub- it's great you can approach it that way and something I need to try more
becd- thanks for understanding that perspective also
i was talking to a pregnant friend yesterday, someone who has been very understanding of my situation in the past and has previously gone through IVF and knows what its like (although ended up having a natural baby and this is natural no 2) and she was going on about her morning sickness and tiredness etc...and I just found it hard to listen and stay on and be sympathetic. I felt like shouting "at least you have a child and another healthy pregnancy!- I would LOVE that, sickness and all...compared to being where I am right now, in a land of uncertainty, doing IVF, wondering how antiphospholipid syndrome will affect things when/if we do fall pregnant again, feeling grief when I see babies etc etc. remembering painful milestones associated with past lost pregnancies".... I know that probably sounds a bit melodramatic, but it all just was bubbling under the surface... of course all I said was "oh I am sorry you are feeling so sick, and I hope it eases for you soon..."
I am surprised how people just really ignore you when it comes to TTC and loss etc... I have had friends that really I feel have avoided me. Even my family is avoiding the topic. I really would rather them not as that hurts more. But on a more positive note. After feeling islated and avoided for the last month I was having trouble with my own parents and was quite upset as my stress of TTC, loss and a husband with his own health issues I was like don't these people realize what we have been going through? Then the other day I received some flowers from my dear SIL (my best friend) with a card that said "Chin up one day you are going to make a great mummy". I have to say that I was overwelhmed. I just think it took her a while to process how I was feeling and it was hard fro her to relate since she has 3 beautiful children and never had complications. So I can relate to all of you but thank goodness we have found a place to vent to people who really do know what it feels like. To all you out there "Chin up one day you will all make great mummies"
thanks teme- that was a nice gesture of your SIL. You know I was sent a lovely card after my last miscarriage by a friend, who is not even a close friend, but someone I see every so often who heard what happened. She showed more understanding than some who are closer to me. so nice surprises do happen.
I think people avoid the subject because they dont know how to handle it and are scared of saying the wrong thing. Also i think it just makes them uncomfortable
It was so good to read others experiences with friendships.
I have begun to feel like a good luck charm to everyone else- all I come into contact with becomes pregnant without even trying!!
I can handle any of the IVF procedures, but it's the isolation that has come now with my friends moving forward with making their families that is most painful. And seeing them only reminds me of my own grief. My poor friends- they can't win. I'm upset if they tell me about their pregnancy, and upset if they exclude me from it. I had one friend who told me "there's more to you and I than just being pregnant, or trying to get pregnant", which I agree with, but I think people who have been able to fall pregnant easily don't get how all consuming it can be.
And at what point do we stop hoping and focusing on other aspects of life so it's not all consuming? And how?
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