How has LTTTC affected your friendships?

[Possums]

I am finding it is having an affect on some of my friendships, however subtle it may be in some cases.

I find it stressful to be around friends who are pregnant, for obvious reasons. I think they find it a bit stressful too, as they don't want to upset me, and one of my friends simply retreated from me when she was pregnant, which was upsetting anyway.

Then there is a close friend who is not pregnant, and not trying to be pregnant. I can discuss my situation with her, but of course she doesnt really get it, and because it's been so consuming for me, and caused so much sadness and stress, I feel a bit isolated from her, in my own bubble of troubled emotions. I think maybe she also feels she can't relate to me that well right now.

Then there is another LTTTC friend...and we are scared how it will be for the one who might get left behind, if one of us falls pregnant first.

And in terms of more distant friends, colleagues etc...i feel very much isolated from them in my own little world of TTC, loss, IVF etc

can others relate?

[MissMagpie]

Possums,

I can TOTALLY relate to you. The majority of my friends have had their children and they are all school age now too and none needed assistance. I already feel left behind from the pack being a 37 yr old childless person without having complications as well.

Ive found even though they have been there for me (sort of) I mostly got "good luck" when I was having a pick up or transfer. None of them realised exactly WHAT is involved with IVF let alone riding the emotional roller coaster.

I confided mostly in people at work and a girl I work with as I spend so much time here! but they too didnt fully understand the stress I was under and the emotions I was feeling.

I have found the ONLY people who have totally understood it all, is the lovely girls in here They have been my saviour.

I too felt I was in my own bubble with no-one to turn to other than my DP and girls in here. It was a very isolating experiencing.

I hope you get your beautiful miracle soon. Thinking of you.

Take care,

Tania

[Possums]

Thanks Tania for saying that! That's just how I feel..like it is a very isolating experience, because I am experiencing all these emotions and stress etc, and really noone knows or understands, or perhaps even wants to know. My main support is DH and my lovely mum...and I guess the other LTTTC friend who does understand...oh and of course, all the lovely ladies here- thank goodness for you all!

[Smillenkid]

Hi, I find im distant from not only friends but also family, Most people in my life avoid telling me there pregnant and family members just tell me have sex more grrrrrrr if only they understood that all of this hurts, one good friend of mine was scared to tell me she was pregnant but we talked about it and i ended up being there for the birth of her little girl and as hard as it was it was also awsome to witness,

[Lovenhope]

Oh Possums I'm with you hun.
I feel I can't talk to anyone IRL. They either don't understand, feel sorry for me or want to know what's going on when I'm not ready to share. I can't win. Since my recent ectopic, I've started some counseling. Not sure if it's going to help though. I'm so negative about everything and towards everyone. In my circle of friends I have 1 pregnant friend (that was a whole other story), 2 who are about to start TTC (the thought of them announcing their pregnancies freaks me) and others who are popping out their second.

I know I probably haven't helped but wanted you to know you are not alone. Big hugs!

[JBM]

i really do not think anyone really understands unless you've been thru it.
i knew of people who had done IVF and i never understood it, the emotions, the pain, and how hard it was to get pregnant.
the thing is if it wasn't for BB i think i would feel that no one really understands.
we have some friend who have been lttc for 3 years and announced preg when i had my last BFN. it was so very hard for me to be happy for her and i avoided her like the plague, only recently congratulating her.

be strong, and remember you've got your BB friends. kisses and hugs

[Possums]

thanks everyone. I am sorry it's just as hard for you, but relieved you understand.

sandygirl- I hope the counselling helps. I am about to see a psychologist, but like you, I have been pretty negative about most things lately. Trying to be more positive now though, since we have resumed IVF and I feel I need to try

hugs back to you all
Emma xx

[~BecD~]

Then there is another LTTTC friend...and we are scared how it will be for the one who might get left behind, if one of us falls pregnant first.

Oh I totally get this. This is probably the most painful thing for me, I've been the one left behind by other girls, and it hurts badly. Also, My best friend and I have both been trying for a while, and neither of us want to fall pg without the other because of the pain we know it is going to cause the other person.

This IF business is hard, so hard.

[grub17]

hi possums,
just a slightly different perspective... yep we've had that lack of understnding from people when we mention it and they don't understand the massive emotional and physical toll involved. but i don't like to go into great detail and it's not theri fault they don't know... so it doesn't really bother me too much. i figure they've got issues in their lives that i don't know about as well. but my mother i'm a little less forgiving of, specially seeing she loves a drama and talking to all her friends about her "woes'' of no grandkids yet.. bbrrrhhh...

every single one of our best friends bar two had babies last year. but i didn't feel anything but happiness and joy for them. my best mate was nervous about telling me only because she didn't want to upset me. i told her not to be silly and its all good. she is a pharmacist though and has a bit more of a clue about it all. after our first cycle i told her everything (no one knew at that stage) and she was so good, she sent me a beautiful prayer (she's fairly religious) she printed out and although i'm not overly religious it meant heaps to me.

but really, we have only told one person in detail about what's happening and when. everyone else is kept at a vague "we're doing ivf sometime this year'' distance. that one friend's sister went through ivf for both her children and knew so mch. she's a very smart lady and is a great friend and I found her suppport absolutely invaluable. she's single not kids (wants all of it though) and has her own issues. we are probably the exception cos we are totally at different stages in life but seem to feed off one another and have grown much closer over hte past 12 months.

we are also living nowhere near any friends or family due to DH being in the defence forces so we can fly under the radar a bit more and only see our friends maybe once a year. but i work the phones hard and it's much easier not to let on over the phone.

in saying all this, it looks pretty rosy for us, but i'm sure i'll have a different perspective a few year's down the trakc if this current bfp (at 6wks now) doesn't work out. I"m definiely concerned about the ''left behind factor''.

hope you find something helpful in that possums. take care of you. ooxx

[Possums]

thanks for that perspective Grub- it's great you can approach it that way and something I need to try more

becd- thanks for understanding that perspective also

i was talking to a pregnant friend yesterday, someone who has been very understanding of my situation in the past and has previously gone through IVF and knows what its like (although ended up having a natural baby and this is natural no 2) and she was going on about her morning sickness and tiredness etc...and I just found it hard to listen and stay on and be sympathetic. I felt like shouting "at least you have a child and another healthy pregnancy!- I would LOVE that, sickness and all...compared to being where I am right now, in a land of uncertainty, doing IVF, wondering how antiphospholipid syndrome will affect things when/if we do fall pregnant again, feeling grief when I see babies etc etc. remembering painful milestones associated with past lost pregnancies".... I know that probably sounds a bit melodramatic, but it all just was bubbling under the surface... of course all I said was "oh I am sorry you are feeling so sick, and I hope it eases for you soon..."

[teme]

I am surprised how people just really ignore you when it comes to TTC and loss etc... I have had friends that really I feel have avoided me. Even my family is avoiding the topic. I really would rather them not as that hurts more. But on a more positive note. After feeling islated and avoided for the last month I was having trouble with my own parents and was quite upset as my stress of TTC, loss and a husband with his own health issues I was like don't these people realize what we have been going through? Then the other day I received some flowers from my dear SIL (my best friend) with a card that said "Chin up one day you are going to make a great mummy". I have to say that I was overwelhmed. I just think it took her a while to process how I was feeling and it was hard fro her to relate since she has 3 beautiful children and never had complications. So I can relate to all of you but thank goodness we have found a place to vent to people who really do know what it feels like. To all you out there "Chin up one day you will all make great mummies"

[Possums]

thanks teme- that was a nice gesture of your SIL. You know I was sent a lovely card after my last miscarriage by a friend, who is not even a close friend, but someone I see every so often who heard what happened. She showed more understanding than some who are closer to me. so nice surprises do happen.
I think people avoid the subject because they dont know how to handle it and are scared of saying the wrong thing. Also i think it just makes them uncomfortable

[Sachiko]

It was so good to read others experiences with friendships.

I have begun to feel like a good luck charm to everyone else- all I come into contact with becomes pregnant without even trying!!
I can handle any of the IVF procedures, but it's the isolation that has come now with my friends moving forward with making their families that is most painful. And seeing them only reminds me of my own grief. My poor friends- they can't win. I'm upset if they tell me about their pregnancy, and upset if they exclude me from it. I had one friend who told me "there's more to you and I than just being pregnant, or trying to get pregnant", which I agree with, but I think people who have been able to fall pregnant easily don't get how all consuming it can be.

And at what point do we stop hoping and focusing on other aspects of life so it's not all consuming? And how?

[MummaSue]

Possums I can totally relate to this.

Of late, I've been feeling very isolated from a few friends in much the same way as you.

A few weeks ago, I had 11 friends who were pregnant - the number is going down now that the babies are being born but it's still hard.

And your situation with your infertile friend - I have a friend who had IVF at the time I had my miscarriage so she is as many weeks as I would have been if my pregnancy had stuck and that is the hardest thing. She's really good with me but I struggle to be around her sometimes. It's hard. And I'm sure it's hard for her too though.

I've got my 30th birthday coming up and want to have a big night out - lots of the pregnant ladies have told me that they won't be coming but can we do arvo tea etc. Not quite what I had in mind, and maybe I'm being selfish but I guess there is nothing I can do.

I've rambled enough but just wanted you to know that you're not alone.
Hugs
S x

[Possums]

sachiko- it is so hard when it is so all consuming isn't it...and you are right, even when we try to focus on other things, it's still there in the background anyway. I wish you luck and thanks for your response

sue- I am sorry you are finding it hard with friends also, but glad you understand. My pregnant friend just asked if I wanted to meet for coffee, and I said I was busy..when I could have made time, I just didnt feel up for it right now, because she has been whinging about her morning sickness etc, and I just dont think I can do the whole sympathetic thing, when I would much rather be in her shoes!! I know I need to be careful Idont isolate myself tooo much and affect the friendship though, and sometimes I feel guilty I cant just keep being there more. Then again, I feel annoyed sometimes that she can't be more sensitive.

[dusty]

Possums great idea for a thread!

For me the biggest lesson has been for me to forgive my friends and be grateful for whatever support a friend can offer. Forgive may sound harsh but in fact I think it is really me forgiving myself for thinking negative thoughts of my friends, hence I try not to allow myself to be hurt or read more into what is said or more importantly sometime, not said by my friends. We humans are so flawed and even with the best of intentions the way messages are received can often be far from what was intended in the giving.

I feel friendship is something we all invest much time and effort into. Over the years I have built much in the way of friendship 'capital' and I can from time to time draw down on the friendship 'interest' I have earned without wearing my friendship down or feeling bad for taking more this week than I have given IYKWIM.

My friend's' happiness is also somewhat linked to my happiness so the best thing I can do for my friendships is to be the happiest and positive I can be and also be there to support them as they go through their own life struggles, which are not on hold while I am having my own struggles.

I have after all this time come to terms with my friend's fertility and DH and I treasure the fact that our friends want and embrace us as a real part of their extended families. We suddenly realised last year that we have an awesome opportunity to be part of their childrens lives and to help them parent in those difficult early years and that if we didn't take the opportunity we would regret it later on. Fertility is something to celebrate IMO (after much soul searching!) and not something I want any of them to have to experience. Ultimately my happiness is my responsibility and my friends just want me to be happy.

Wow, I found that ramble very carthartic to share.

[Cuddlepie]

Possom, I think this IVF journey of 5 years is like a little filter to retain the true friendship and to filter out the fair-weather ones IYKWIM. So to that, I am kind of grateful.

Most of my friends had their babies already in the last few years. Luckily I don't have any friends who is TTC or pregnant, it is hard in that case I know. And I can so relate to the feeling 'left behind' . It was hard at first but I am now very much used to the fact and loving to be part of their lives. I know this might sound funny but it is nice to babysit from time to time for my GFs and see a little toddler's face light up when I am driving in. I was so surprised that he can regcognize my car and then I was greeted by 'where is my presents?' I just have to laugh.

For some friends who are a bit intrusive/insensitive I think, I have left them behind and I never regret it. I do belive friendship should mature as you go through the life stages, if it doesn't, it shouldn't become your baggage.

On family front, my parents knew all along but they never voluntarily ask unless I tell them. Recently, due to some family event, we have also told DH's family and DH issued strict instruction not to ask anything. So far, this works too well to the point I wish they can just ask a little, ie. how are you feeling? but I guess they are too frighten about their son/grandson being annoyed, so noone dare to say a word....

[Possums]

Thanks, Dusty and Cuddlepie I appreciate your wisdom and hearing what you have learned over the years. I feel like I have a long way to go, until I am handling all this with more grace overall and your insights help give me fresh perspectives on the way I can view friends, with all the good and the bad that comes with them