Mums of Wannabe Mums

[organicem]

Loving these posts!!

Before we fell pregnant with DD1 my GMIL made a point to my two SIL's and myelf that we would have the privilage of giving her the first great granschildren. Didn't even remember this comment until all three of us announced our pregnancies within a few weeks of each other lol.

When we told my MIL she said "not another one" And sure enough DD1 never recieved her new baby gift (her cousins got money to buy a bassinette).

When we fell pregnant with DD2 the reaction of all IL's was along the lines of "yes well we thought you would be the first to have more as you always wanted children" not exactly sure what that was supposed to mean.

Don't mean to gloat or anything but my mum is mega supportive, she has 6 children and as long as we are in a stable relationship welcomes our decisions to have children (or not) and was there for the birth of DD1.

My Nan however saw me the other day and asked when I was having more ( DD2 is 10 weeks old!!) when I told her two was enough she said "no you have to try for a boy". When my mum told her she had had my brother her response was "you've got your pigeon pair now, you can stop". Nan has 6 kids and doesn't want anyone to 'outkid' her.

[juniper76]

Omg, reading through this I can't believe how many of your experiences mirror my own! And how many others belong in the category of "things I can't believe anyone would ever say"!

My mum drives me nuts. When we said we were starting IVF, she said it was too clinical, it was unnatural and against god's will, and that we should go back to TTC on our own (she even disapproved of the IUI's we'd already done). After that I stopped telling her what we're doing TTC-wise, so instead I now have to deal with her being upset and trying to send me on a major guilt trip whenever she finds out we did another cycle without telling her.

And then when AF rolls around after each BFN, if she finds out, she calls up to tell me I should get out of the house. I should come over and visit her. I shouldn't be shutting myself away, but should let her... honestly, I don't know what... I mean seriously! My AF is normally painful (which she knows full well), but after IVF it's always mega-painful. I just wish she could understand that I need to be left in peace to nurse the physical pain and mourn the lost embies.

DH was reading this thread with me, and apparently she's also made comments to him when I wasn't around. He said she's done the "what type of underpants" one and asked whether his sperm had been tested or whether we should be getting some elsewhere. Oh, and she's also told him he should get me drunk to get me pg.

She's also notorious for coming out with the "just relax" and "adopt and you'll get pg" lines too.

And then there was my sister's engagement party... I had several well-meaning relatives ambush me and tell me what I should be doing. Relatives that I only see at family events and would NOT have told about the IVF. One was even trying to get me to go to a "fertility church" because that would be more likely to succeed than IVF. This was a couple of weeks after our FET BFN, so I ended up in tears. So my sister ended up in tears. Which then got my BIL-to-be and my DH upset as well.

By contrast, my MIL is awesome. She's so practical and understanding. Plus she works in a pharmacy so I can talk to her about the drugs (not that she knows a lot about the IVF ones). And she stays out of my hair. I think DH gets a few more calls, but I don't get my MIL telling me what to do or judging me in any way.

[dusty]

A gentle reminder everyone that this thread is in the LTTTC area so please be mindful when sharing your story especially if you are not LTTTC and please turn off pg, child tickers as per the local guidelines.

[organicem]

Sorry forgot to remove signature.

[Persephone1]

Juniper, I'm sorry that you haven't been able to access support from your Mum - and it's sad that you've been made to feel bad for turning to AC to get there. I know that for all my Mum's annoying and upsetting things she says, she is fundamentally supportive of what we're doing and that I can cry on her shoulder if I need to, so I'm lucky for that.

And my MIL is also pretty good - my BIL and SIL went through many years of TTC and IVF, so MIL knows the drill, and knows to be supportive but in a 'hands-off' sort of way. It probably helps that DH only speaks to her now and again - whereas my Mum rings me at least once a week to find out how things are going. I have three siblings, and she doesn't call the others as often, probably because they're not expected to give her grandchildren any time soon!

GL, and well done for coping so well with it all.

Seph

[LondonMiss]

Hey guys - I'm wondering if you have any advice. DH and I live here but are scheduled for a trip back to England next week. I'm relatively insulated from this kind of stuff being here (and judging by some, I'm pleased!), but I feel sure we're going to get a barrage of proddings and pokings about why we don't have kids yet (combined with guilt at "running away half way across the world" etc etc)? Do you have any suitable lines to answer the questions without answering the questions so to speak?

[Persephone1]

LondonMiss,

GL for your trip home!

I think you will find what you're comfortable with telling people as you go, but it might be worth making sure people are clear on a few things. There are a couple of other threads that might be helpful about being a supportive family/friend around TTC, but here's my rules:

1. Don't speak about TTC with me when we're in company or in public - unless I bring it up;
2. Don't make comments or ask about my sex life (unless you're willing to answer the same questions);
3. Don't place expectations or deadlines on me for when I should have a baby;
4. Don't offer advice...telling me how 'easy' it was for you to fall pregnant 5 times is hurtful and unhelpful, so don't do it.
5. Listen to me. Offer a hug, a listening ear, a smile. Don't sympathise unless you truly can sympathise.

I'm sure I have a few others, but you'll come up with your own - it depends on what you tell to whom, and how much you want to talk about it. It also depends on what you've been through, and how much of that you're willing to share with others. Just make sure you're clear about your boundaries and that the topic isn't brought up without your 'permission.'

Good luck, I hope the trip is lovely and positive and supportive.

Seph

ETA: I can't seem to link the other thread, but it's Friends and Family Supporting LTTTCers and it's under the Long Term TTC forum. GL...although I note that you're in the TWW and perhaps the above suggestions are now void??

[wishes]

OMG Seph, this was the best thread to put on. I had a good chuckle on the comments you put in your first post.

I'm not in the same boat though, as my Mum doesn't know we're TTC. I know exactly the kind of person she is though, and I know that if I did tell her, she would come out with all the same stupid and inconsiderate comments that most of the other mum's have said.

My SIL is no better. She has just recently told me that she plans on being pregnant again before the end of this year. Which would be her 4th baby. She also felt the need to tell me that when her husband (my brother) even sneezes on her, she falls pregnant, and it's so easy for them. Which is such a helpful comment for me given we've been TTC for nearly 18 months. They don't know we're TTC and I plan on keeping it that way.

I've thought about telling family, but as much of a pain in the neck that it is to come up with excuses as to why we're not pregnant yet, I think it might be even harder if everyone knew what was going on, and would constantly ask us "are we pregnant yet?" I just don't know which situation is worse....

Wishes xoxo

[toomanyshoes]

My mum is the same but in a different way.

When I told her we were getting married she clearly pointed out she didn't want to be a grandmother and was happy if I had no children and shouldn't think I need to have them for her...gee thanks mum

When I was pregnant for the 1st time she told me how disappointed I was and we should abort...and now she spoils her grandson rotten!!

With my M/C's I always get "well it was for the best, its not like you wanted more"...although she never bothered to ask me if I wanted more.

I have a very strange relationship with my mum lol but such is life.

OMG I could never tell her we're TTC again...would never hear the end of it

I've always just tried to ignore it, keep things between DH and I. It can be very stressful when others are adding more and more stress to an already stressful situation...Hope things settle and she becomes are little more clued into and understanding of IVF

[JLeigh29]

Well, DH and I just told my parents today we have been ttc awhile, have hit some hurdles and are looking into IVF. Predictably, Mum was great. But Dad has never been that keen on children....

He first said they're looking at moving but might have to make it an interstate move instead. Then he asked us if a cabbage patch doll wouldn't be just as good. Then later on he suggested a puppy from the RSPCA. He also made it clear that he would NOT be available for baby-sitting duties. He was only half joking.

[nanananny]

Well I wish my mum had of been here, she would have talked me into doing ivf a whole lot earlier

[juniper76]

He also made it clear that he would NOT be available for baby-sitting duties.

My mum did that too - "I've raised my kids" was how she put it. As far as she was concerned DH & I could pay for child care.

But then when my sister thought she might be pg (she keeps forgetting to take the pill) my mother told her she could move back to Brisbane to live with mum & dad and she (mum) would look after the child so my sister could work. Geesh!

[Bridget]

Ok - I have to add a story. I preface it with "I love my mum dearly" but.... the other day an uni friend who is now living in the US was visiting Australia. I haven't seen or talked to him for more than a year. He accidentally rang my mum's number and said to her "it's great news about Bridget". He was referring to the fact I am engaged. My mum, however, jumped to another conclusion and demanded to know what news (thinking I would tell a friend I hardly speak to before I tell her) and then, after being disappointed he was only referring to the engagement, launched into a 20 minute conversation with him about how I had been trying to conceive forever!

[Persephone1]

Bridget, my entire family in the UK know about us TTC and IVF. My Mum seems to think it's her story to tell! Drives me mad!

[sparkysgirl]

I'm glad that there are some really supportive mum's out there... mine on the other hand...

My mum is one of those people that when you have some good news... she finds the negatives about it. So, once you've told her the said good news, you end up questioning it and feeling all deflated and sad.

We never told my mum we were ttc for the 3 years we tried naturally. This year we started looking into ivf and we told her we were having probs etc, and would need ivf. Of course, she just went straight for the negatives... the cost... the house repayments... time off work.... are you even ready for kids... etc. Every negative that could be thought of, she let us know it. Even my grandmother, who I am quite close to, was really negative about it. Which really suprised me since my aunty had gone through it years before.

Needless to say we no longer bring up this subject either.

But also, this goes with any subject. When I said I was pursuing photography, everyone was happy/excited/supportive... but not my parents...

My aunty went through ivf 16 years ago... and got lucky on her first try (my cousin is 16 now) but had about 8 failed attempts since. She has been so supportive. But seriously, it is ultimately my husband and I on this road and it can be quite lonely without the support. And we're only in the beginning!


I like forums like this because it provides the support you need, when you need it with people who really understand. And 99% of the time everyone give positive support. I know that I would totally be alone if I didn't have these forums.

I do wish that my family could be supportive though...

[Loula]

can think of lots but one that stands out is

my mum told me she would carry our child for us!

I love my mum

[Bridget]

Loula - I almost cried with laughter about that one. How funny! mums- they would love to be able to help with everything if they only could.

I had a transfer today and thought it would be good to remind my mum not to tell anyone. she said "I don't tell anyone" and then said, just your sisters. When I asked her how my aunts, uncles and cousins know she said "well they all want to know".

[Cuddlepie]

Loula, you are not alone. My mum obviously thought about that as well but in a more regreted way like' ah if I can I would have a child for you'...

I have to say I love love love my mum but quoting Persephone's first paragraph of the post, it was my mum that finds it the hardest during this TTC journey, more so than me. I sometimes have to forget about myself and turn to comfort her that this is not a bit deal and we will get through it...

My mum bought a return ticket offered to come and look after me for 3 months (they live overseas) including all the cookings and all the ancient recipes she can find to get me pregnant. One of the strange thing is a bottle of very strong alcoholic drink and she forces me 1 shot down every night and said her friend's daughter got pregnant that way. Well, not pregnant yet but I may become an alcoholic!

My mum has already recruited her two sisters to come to look after the new baby I am going to have very soon. They are suppose to drop their grand kids and come all the way to here because obviously I am very important in the family

My mum stops having any kind of holidays because she is on call (everyday) so she can be here the minute I get pregnant

My mum has super memory, she remembers my menstral cycle clearer than I do. She will timely remind me fertile days and leading up to AF she forbid me to wear skirts