Mums of Wannabe Mums

[Persephone1]

I have no doubt that this has been a previous thread somewhere, but I thought I might start a fresh one.

By far one of the most difficult things to deal with during our journey to become parents has been my mother. I have noticed that I'm not the only one out there that has found themselves when it comes to sharing the TTC journeys with their Mums, who cannot but help to offer those little gems of advice, information, expectations and 'support.'

I'm going to write down some of the choice things my Mum has told me, and I'd be happy for anyone else to join me:

My Mum thought that we would get pregnant on our first IVF cycle. When I told her that everything was unknown and that her expectations were putting a lot of pressure on me, she said that I would get pregnant if I would "just relax and think positively."

My Mum booked a 6-month overseas holiday with a return date in October 09, because she wanted to be back in Australia in time for 'The Baby' to be born. 'The Baby' would be that one that I was meant to have been pregnant with after our first IVF cycle back in January 09. And yet here I am, in July, and still no baby.

My Mum wrote me a text message the other day, from her hotel in London, asking if I had heard the latest about male fertility and push bike riding (DH is a cyclist). I wrote back and told her that she shouldn't ask questions about her son-in-law's testicles.

My Mum bought DH and I a highchair for Christmas in 2008, one month before our IVF treatment. I'm not joking. She also gave us a second-hand baby sling which she dug out of the cupboard for 'The Baby.' She then went around and told my siblings that the IVF drugs must have been taking effect because I was so grumpy with her.

My Mum says that the FS should have predicted that I would suffer with OHSS, because she knew that I would...not sure at which point my Mum became psychic and better qualified than FS. AND If she knew I was going to suffer with OHSS, why did she wait to tell me until after I was suffering with it?

My Mum asked me, during our stim cycle, if it was possible for me to ask FS to 'choose a female embryo' because she already has two grandsons, thank you very much. I told her it was illegal to choose the gender unless it was for genetic reasons. She then tried to think of some genetic reasons for me to have a girl.

My Mum says that cosleeping, breastfeeding, clothbummed babies are best...and what she means is that I must cosleep, breastfeed and clothbum 'The Baby' which as yet, does not exist.


Anyone else? Maybe it's other family members or friends who freak you out with outrageous behaviours and comments?

[Miss.B]

Oh hun, what a great thread! I had such a laugh when I read your post. My mum is not much different to yours, she often diagnoses me with things she just makes up and later blames them on why we're not getting pg. Don't you just love 'em?? Mothers...
I think sometimes they a) want the best for us but it just comes across pushy and over the top and b) they want to live their lives through us .

[Cupcake]

My Mum wrote me a text message the other day, from her hotel in London, asking if I had heard the latest about male fertility and push bike riding (DH is a cyclist). I wrote back and told her that she shouldn't ask questions about her son-in-law's testicles.

HAD to chuckle at your response hehe.

My Mum asked me, during our stim cycle, if it was possible for me to ask FS to 'choose a female embryo' because she already has two grandsons, thank you very much. I told her it was illegal to choose the gender unless it was for genetic reasons. She then tried to think of some genetic reasons for me to have a girl.

Oh dear...

Im not going through IVF or anything but have been TTC for over 12 months; no matter who says it i HATE when people say "just relax, it will happen when you relax"

My mum doesnt really know we are TTC but i got...

"You and DP need to have a baby, maybe then you will stop buying pets..."

i love my mum to bits but i was so shocked, i think she was only joking at how many pets we have, but if only she knew what she ACTUALLY said to me ...

[Krikkit]

Well..

MY Mum.. told me she told my step sister about "our" situation - she is in her late 30's and her hubby is heading into the 40's and they TTC for 12 months and the only reason they conceived is because my step sister used to lie on her back and pedal in the air after DTD. Never the less, I was told that is what I SHOULD do - it works. So the topic of converstation always led to my mother discussing mine and hubbys sexual habits.

MY Mum .. came around yesterday and proceeded to bend over and talk into my stomach to the non-existant baby. Then tell us its a boy?? wtf??

MY Mum told us we should get a sperm donor.

My Mum told us to get someone elses eggs if mine dont work properly

My Mum told me we should adopt instead.

My Mum told me if we adopt, can I get a little asian baby with spiky hair or one with dark skin *they are so cute*

My Mum is clearly insane.

[Persephone1]

MY Mum .. came around yesterday and proceeded to bend over and talk into my stomach to the non-existant baby. Then tell us its a boy?? wtf??

My Mum did the same...and I wasn't even in a cycle, so there was nothing in there, not even an embryo. She patted my stomach.

And My Mum has also asked whether we should get a sperm donor. In front of DH. Nice.

My Mum told me if we adopt, can I get a little asian baby with spiky hair or one with dark skin *they are so cute*

OMG, seriously, she's insane. But had me

[Muppity]

I am SO GLAD that it isn't just me.

[Persephone1]

Ooh, I keep thinking of more and more.

When I had my chemical pregnancy, I completely fell to pieces. I had to have counselling for early miscarriage, because I really hit rock-bottom. I told Mum that we would be taking a month off IVF because I needed the break. She was 'disappointed' because she thought it would be a better idea to 'build on the momentum' and go straight into another cycle. Not sure what momentum she was referring to - the momentum where I keep going until I fall into a crevass?

She also rang me one day to tell me that one of her workmates was pregnant with twins. She said she got very upset because DH and I had been trying for so long and it was...wait for it...her turn. Not my turn. Her turn.

I think My Mum needs to come with a translator - everything she says to me can be translated loosely into: "Please hurry up and get pregnant, I want to live through you and have another grandchild. At any cost. Regardless of what you think/feel."

[jellybean18]

Thanks for the posts ladies. It has been so reassuring that I'm not the only one with a mother and MIL that can be so insensitive to what we are going through.

Before I got pg with my daughter, My mother would talk endlessly about how she got pg so easily (she had 9 kids!!), and how fertile my sister was (who was pg at the time), and would go out of her way to make me feel like there was something wrong with me (like we didn't already know)! This all hurt, but I learnt to just walk away and ignore her.

When we did get pg, and told her (I left it until I was 18wks), she said that I would m/c she hoped the baby died!! Unfortunately I was not able to hide my reaction to this and fell apart. I did not speak to my mother for the remainder of my pregnancy. Our beautiful daughter was born in Nov 2005. It has taken a long time to rebuild my relationship with my mother, and I keep a distance from her emotionally. I have forgiven her, but cannot forget. She loves my daughter and they get on really well.

Now we are TTc #2 and I simply choose not to tell our family anything. If anything, I try to act as if we don't want another child..... it seems easier that way.

Thanks again for the posts
Jellybean18

[organicem]

Loving these posts!!

Before we fell pregnant with DD1 my GMIL made a point to my two SIL's and myelf that we would have the privilage of giving her the first great granschildren. Didn't even remember this comment until all three of us announced our pregnancies within a few weeks of each other lol.

When we told my MIL she said "not another one" And sure enough DD1 never recieved her new baby gift (her cousins got money to buy a bassinette).

When we fell pregnant with DD2 the reaction of all IL's was along the lines of "yes well we thought you would be the first to have more as you always wanted children" not exactly sure what that was supposed to mean.

Don't mean to gloat or anything but my mum is mega supportive, she has 6 children and as long as we are in a stable relationship welcomes our decisions to have children (or not) and was there for the birth of DD1.

My Nan however saw me the other day and asked when I was having more ( DD2 is 10 weeks old!!) when I told her two was enough she said "no you have to try for a boy". When my mum told her she had had my brother her response was "you've got your pigeon pair now, you can stop". Nan has 6 kids and doesn't want anyone to 'outkid' her.

[juniper76]

Omg, reading through this I can't believe how many of your experiences mirror my own! And how many others belong in the category of "things I can't believe anyone would ever say"!

My mum drives me nuts. When we said we were starting IVF, she said it was too clinical, it was unnatural and against god's will, and that we should go back to TTC on our own (she even disapproved of the IUI's we'd already done). After that I stopped telling her what we're doing TTC-wise, so instead I now have to deal with her being upset and trying to send me on a major guilt trip whenever she finds out we did another cycle without telling her.

And then when AF rolls around after each BFN, if she finds out, she calls up to tell me I should get out of the house. I should come over and visit her. I shouldn't be shutting myself away, but should let her... honestly, I don't know what... I mean seriously! My AF is normally painful (which she knows full well), but after IVF it's always mega-painful. I just wish she could understand that I need to be left in peace to nurse the physical pain and mourn the lost embies.

DH was reading this thread with me, and apparently she's also made comments to him when I wasn't around. He said she's done the "what type of underpants" one and asked whether his sperm had been tested or whether we should be getting some elsewhere. Oh, and she's also told him he should get me drunk to get me pg.

She's also notorious for coming out with the "just relax" and "adopt and you'll get pg" lines too.

And then there was my sister's engagement party... I had several well-meaning relatives ambush me and tell me what I should be doing. Relatives that I only see at family events and would NOT have told about the IVF. One was even trying to get me to go to a "fertility church" because that would be more likely to succeed than IVF. This was a couple of weeks after our FET BFN, so I ended up in tears. So my sister ended up in tears. Which then got my BIL-to-be and my DH upset as well.

By contrast, my MIL is awesome. She's so practical and understanding. Plus she works in a pharmacy so I can talk to her about the drugs (not that she knows a lot about the IVF ones). And she stays out of my hair. I think DH gets a few more calls, but I don't get my MIL telling me what to do or judging me in any way.

[dusty]

A gentle reminder everyone that this thread is in the LTTTC area so please be mindful when sharing your story especially if you are not LTTTC and please turn off pg, child tickers as per the local guidelines.

[organicem]

Sorry forgot to remove signature.

[Persephone1]

Juniper, I'm sorry that you haven't been able to access support from your Mum - and it's sad that you've been made to feel bad for turning to AC to get there. I know that for all my Mum's annoying and upsetting things she says, she is fundamentally supportive of what we're doing and that I can cry on her shoulder if I need to, so I'm lucky for that.

And my MIL is also pretty good - my BIL and SIL went through many years of TTC and IVF, so MIL knows the drill, and knows to be supportive but in a 'hands-off' sort of way. It probably helps that DH only speaks to her now and again - whereas my Mum rings me at least once a week to find out how things are going. I have three siblings, and she doesn't call the others as often, probably because they're not expected to give her grandchildren any time soon!

GL, and well done for coping so well with it all.

Seph

[LondonMiss]

Hey guys - I'm wondering if you have any advice. DH and I live here but are scheduled for a trip back to England next week. I'm relatively insulated from this kind of stuff being here (and judging by some, I'm pleased!), but I feel sure we're going to get a barrage of proddings and pokings about why we don't have kids yet (combined with guilt at "running away half way across the world" etc etc)? Do you have any suitable lines to answer the questions without answering the questions so to speak?

[Persephone1]

LondonMiss,

GL for your trip home!

I think you will find what you're comfortable with telling people as you go, but it might be worth making sure people are clear on a few things. There are a couple of other threads that might be helpful about being a supportive family/friend around TTC, but here's my rules:

1. Don't speak about TTC with me when we're in company or in public - unless I bring it up;
2. Don't make comments or ask about my sex life (unless you're willing to answer the same questions);
3. Don't place expectations or deadlines on me for when I should have a baby;
4. Don't offer advice...telling me how 'easy' it was for you to fall pregnant 5 times is hurtful and unhelpful, so don't do it.
5. Listen to me. Offer a hug, a listening ear, a smile. Don't sympathise unless you truly can sympathise.

I'm sure I have a few others, but you'll come up with your own - it depends on what you tell to whom, and how much you want to talk about it. It also depends on what you've been through, and how much of that you're willing to share with others. Just make sure you're clear about your boundaries and that the topic isn't brought up without your 'permission.'

Good luck, I hope the trip is lovely and positive and supportive.

Seph

ETA: I can't seem to link the other thread, but it's Friends and Family Supporting LTTTCers and it's under the Long Term TTC forum. GL...although I note that you're in the TWW and perhaps the above suggestions are now void??

[wishes]

OMG Seph, this was the best thread to put on. I had a good chuckle on the comments you put in your first post.

I'm not in the same boat though, as my Mum doesn't know we're TTC. I know exactly the kind of person she is though, and I know that if I did tell her, she would come out with all the same stupid and inconsiderate comments that most of the other mum's have said.

My SIL is no better. She has just recently told me that she plans on being pregnant again before the end of this year. Which would be her 4th baby. She also felt the need to tell me that when her husband (my brother) even sneezes on her, she falls pregnant, and it's so easy for them. Which is such a helpful comment for me given we've been TTC for nearly 18 months. They don't know we're TTC and I plan on keeping it that way.

I've thought about telling family, but as much of a pain in the neck that it is to come up with excuses as to why we're not pregnant yet, I think it might be even harder if everyone knew what was going on, and would constantly ask us "are we pregnant yet?" I just don't know which situation is worse....

Wishes xoxo

[toomanyshoes]

My mum is the same but in a different way.

When I told her we were getting married she clearly pointed out she didn't want to be a grandmother and was happy if I had no children and shouldn't think I need to have them for her...gee thanks mum

When I was pregnant for the 1st time she told me how disappointed I was and we should abort...and now she spoils her grandson rotten!!

With my M/C's I always get "well it was for the best, its not like you wanted more"...although she never bothered to ask me if I wanted more.

I have a very strange relationship with my mum lol but such is life.

OMG I could never tell her we're TTC again...would never hear the end of it

I've always just tried to ignore it, keep things between DH and I. It can be very stressful when others are adding more and more stress to an already stressful situation...Hope things settle and she becomes are little more clued into and understanding of IVF

[JLeigh29]

Well, DH and I just told my parents today we have been ttc awhile, have hit some hurdles and are looking into IVF. Predictably, Mum was great. But Dad has never been that keen on children....

He first said they're looking at moving but might have to make it an interstate move instead. Then he asked us if a cabbage patch doll wouldn't be just as good. Then later on he suggested a puppy from the RSPCA. He also made it clear that he would NOT be available for baby-sitting duties. He was only half joking.