Losing yourself, losing friends...

[Possums]

This can be a very difficult and isolating journey as we all know. Lately I have been more aware of the fact that I have distanced myself from some friends, and lost others, as a result of the journey we are on and the things we have experienced.
I have also changed as a person, in some ways I am stronger and more sensitive and understanding; in other ways I am more bitter and angry and impatient...and less carefree and happy. I miss the old me and the way I used to feel about things.
So often I am basically numb or unhappy, even though I try so hard to throw myself into my life and things I enjoy, or time with DH etc. And I am much less social.
I know I am not alone. I guess I just look forward to a time when I can live life in a happier state and feel more positive emotions.
I worry what will happen if we can't have a baby. What then? It's too much to consider just now.
Just a vent really, but I'd also like to hear other people's experiences and how they have worked through these things, it always helps.
Thanks.

[Kaybee]

Hi,
I just replied to the other thread before I read this one. You sound like you're in a pretty dark place at the moment and it sucks that you can't see the light at the end of it, or even if there is one. It is really hard trying to give a toss about everything else in life that just doesn't matter to you as much as having a baby would. Jeez, I sound like I am trying to bring you down even further.

My DH has urged me so many times to not let this process change me and not let it change our friendships with others. I think because of this, I sometimes force myself to grin and bear it or 'fake it till I make it'. I am finding that at the moment this is actually working for me. I know that it is for all the wrong reasons and I should be true to myself and show my real emotions and bla bla bla, but I have found that I stress about it less if I force myself out there and see the pregnant friends.

However (I will stop talking soon!) I have been on an enforced break for a while and it's been a while since my last big disappointment, so things in general are a bit easier. Sorry for the giant, rambling, no-help post. Good luck hun

[Lily Dust]

Possums, I honestly think the worst thing you can do to yourself is look in the mirror and say 'its all ok' when you just want to crumple in a ball and sob your heart out. Being true about how you are feeling is a very admirable thing to do and at least lets you have control over something. Having said that I agree with Kaybee about forcing yourself to see people, friends whoever makes you happy and its often nowhere near as bad as you get yourself worked up into believing. Laugh, live and have no regrets honey. My ticker may not reflect it but 371 days ago my miracle came earthside after 5 agonising years. I was in a blackhole and like you, an awfully dark place....I know its much easier for me to say now but I look at those 5 years and I missed out on so so so much and I regret that. I missed my BFFs kids, visiting her in hospital after she birthed, I missed 1st bday parties and christenings and I look now and feel incredibly saddened I didnt see these events. I guess what Im trying to say is dont miss out on your life now waiting for your miracle to come, live like it will be here any second! Big big you are an incredibly strong and amazing person to endure LTTTC xxxx

[Possums]

Thanks so much ladies, it does help me to hear your perspectives and your wisdom! x

[luna moth]

You're not losing friends, my love, you'r just distancing yourself for a while. Do whatever it takes to protect yourself. But every now and again, take a deep breath, and try something that you think might be too hard. The elation of conquering it might just be what makes it a teeny bit easier next time. And if it's not, don't do it again. You might need a little shift in who your friends are. The really good ones will be supportive, no matter what. There's others who will be hard to be with now, but down the track, you'll go back to them and everything will be fine again. Anyone who gets hung up on it is not worth hanging on to anyway.

[Saffy]

Hi Possums,
I can relate to what you say, the past year has been very difficult for me, I feel I am just coming out of a dark hole i was in. I am currently doing IVF, just started really so maybe speaking too soon lol! But so far i have found the IVF process better than the TTC by myself part- I felt like a failure.

To keep myself grounded I try to focus on the point you mentioned about being changed in ways for the better- I definately feel more sensitive and understanding of others, more patient and openminded and I am hoping that in the long run this journey makes me a better person

The negative emotions can be debilitating I know. I am better with other people's pregnancys now but last year I moved towns and there is a large amount of people ie ex-workmates whose pregnancies/births I have never acknowledged. It is like I have just shut them out of my mind and life, cos I can't cope with people knowing I'm not pregnant almost 2 yrs after my miscarriage nad everyone else is getting UTD constantly. An old workmate of mine jokingly abused me over facebook for not returning her calls, in the past I would have laughed and abused her back but I just completely ignored her and felt really bad. I really just see my close friends now.

I'm obviously never going to be the same person, but i feel like I can face the world a bit better these days, but still choose the things I go to carefully ie I've been invited to my old workplaces xmas party, but I'm not going cos my ex-colleague is pregnant and I know she and everyone else will be sussing me out to find out why I'm not pregnant yet.

For myself I think it was just time made me feel better, I also went and got counselling ( not sure if it helped, but it was good to talk to someone who didn't know me) so maybe you could try that? You sort of get permission to talk about all the negative emotions like jealousy etc, without any judgement.

I hope you feel a bit better soon honey, just know you are not alone!

[MummaSue]

It is incredibly hard Possums. I don't think that you can describe to others just how hard this is, which is where I think the strain in friendships come in. We have lost friends (our very best friends) and gained friends throughout our TTC journey. In hindsight, I wish that things had been different with our best friends - they were totally insensitive to what we were going through but we were also super sensitive to the way they were, which actually wasn't all that bad but we perceived it to be unsupportive. I just remind myself now that people act a lot more unconsciously than we think they do.

I agree with Lily Dust, there are things that I avoided and missed out on because it was too painful for me - but now regret that. But we can't go back and change that. What we can change is what happens tomorrow and the next day.

I'm still not the same person I was, I'm still quite bitter about things (still get that rage of envy when I hear about people falling pregnant naturally). I think that there is a huge part of LTTTC that stays with us and scars us to a point.

I'm rambling now, but just wanted you to know you're not alone in these feelings.
Sue

[Alice]

Possums,

Firstly, big to you for your losses, I'm so sorry you've had such a long and difficult journey.

In the early days I did get very socially withdrawn and that led to anxiety and depression which I got treatment for. I did individual and group counseling and both have given me some good skills to fall back on when things get tough. It's hard not to blame yourself and beat yourself up and I constantly have to pull myself up for thinking I'm a dud or a failure or DH would be better with someone else.

We moved physically away from friends and family because it all just got a bit too hard and actually that has made it easier to excuse ourselves from social events (most of which happen on weekends) and to be a bit more choosy about what we go to. We lean on each other a lot because we know that the other one understands and not many people can appreciate how tough things can be. Somehow we always manage to find the humour in things, that helps. We've done a lot of traveling which we both really enjoy and have a garden and chickens and spend a lot of our time together doing that. And we made an effort to do things with friends who don't have kids - to get a bit more of a balance in our social life - which has also helped.

We do go to most of the birthdays and celebrations and that has been a conscious choice to be actively involved with our friends kids. I made something for each of my close friend's kids before they were born - I found working on something special gave me time to sit and think about the baby on its way and to come to peace with it and finally to be able to welcome them with excitement. Sometimes it's hard - we'll be the only ones without kids at a birthday party (that's when a bottle of wine in the fridge is a good friend). I never force myself to do things I don't want to or don't feel up to - with not so close friends I avoided entire pregnancies and babyshowers etc. You just don't need that.

In the past few years I've really focused on getting back in touch with what I am passionate about and following some old dreams and growing other things in my life that are important to me. Our fertility is only one aspect of who we are but when we are locked in this process of TTC it can become everything. Don't forget the other things about yourself that you like and that the people who love you, love about you.

Lastly, we had quite a few breaks in TTC - it helped balance our lives more and meant that when we did try, we were in a better head space (and could afford it without financial stress). I don't think the sadness ever goes away, but it does get easier to bear. None of us know what the future holds so focusing on each day takes a lot of stress away (easier said than done, I know).

Sorry for the long post, I hope this helps in some way.

PS I do get angry and frustrated and irritated about somethings - my pet peve is 'push presents'. Don't ask me why, but that's where my anger seems to go!!

[blossom73]

Hi Possums sending you big hugs. I know exactly how you are feeling as i feel like that too at the moment and its a hard place to come out of! My DH and i have been fighting a little bit too which is really unusual and the toll of the LTTTC is hitting us hard!
I am now trying daily to shift my mindset and we are also looking into adoption as well so i can try to release the fear of what if this doesnt happen and to know there are other options out there (obviously not quite the same though).
I am definately not the same carefree person that i used to be but i am definately a whole lot stronger and much more grateful for a lot of the things in my life.
We do attend and play a big part in our friends and families childs lives but i tell you sometimes its hard and you feel like a fish out of water but in those times my dh and i get stronger and have each other to vent.
We both get counselling and healings at the moment which also seems to be helping us.
I wish you lots of luck on your journey and sending you lots of babydust.
x

[Possums]

Thanks ladies for sharing your stories and the things you have done which have helped. I have had counselling in the past, but think it might help again at this stage.
Sending you all the very best also xx

[gorgeousgirl222]

(((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))

[CrazyCat]

Possums, I honestly think the worst thing you can do to yourself is look in the mirror and say 'its all ok' when you just want to crumple in a ball and sob your heart out. Being true about how you are feeling is a very admirable thing to do and at least lets you have control over something. Having said that I agree with Kaybee about forcing yourself to see people, friends whoever makes you happy and its often nowhere near as bad as you get yourself worked up into believing. Laugh, live and have no regrets honey. My ticker may not reflect it but 371 days ago my miracle came earthside after 5 agonising years. I was in a blackhole and like you, an awfully dark place....I know its much easier for me to say now but I look at those 5 years and I missed out on so so so much and I regret that. I missed my BFFs kids, visiting her in hospital after she birthed, I missed 1st bday parties and christenings and I look now and feel incredibly saddened I didnt see these events. I guess what Im trying to say is dont miss out on your life now waiting for your miracle to come, live like it will be here any second! Big big you are an incredibly strong and amazing person to endure LTTTC xxxx

Had to say, Loved your reply. Great hearing it from that perspective.

[Lily Dust]

Had to say, Loved your reply. Great hearing it from that perspective.

Naaaaaw, thanks hun, what a lovely thing to say