thread: To tell or not to tell

  1. #1
    BellyBelly Member

    Apr 2005
    Sydney, NSW

    To tell or not to tell

    I was just wondering if girls in this forum have told friends &/or family they are going through fertility treatment. We conceived #1 through IVF and only told family and maybe 1 or 2 friends. I didn't want it widely known purely for the added stress of people asking me how it's going and was it successful etc, etc. When it was successful (much to our surprise) my DH didn't think it was anyone's business so we never mentioned it. Now it looks like we'll be going down the same path later this year and I want to fess up about treatment with our friends as I don't think it's something we should be ashamed of. But I feel like I've lied about the first pregnancy and wonder if our close friends will be hurt that we didn't share it with them.

    Maybe I'm looking into it too much and no-one really gives a toss anyway. So any thoughts would be appreciated.

  2. #2
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber

    Feb 2005

    Hi Humphrey,

    We often chat about this very thing. I guess it depends what kind of support you already get from family and friends. My family have been marvellous. They immediately offered to help in any way they could, financially or otherwise and I know they mean it. My workplace has also been great. I told them about it because I was having so much time off and didn't want them to think I was a total flake. They'd seen the certificates from the gynaecologist though and knew I'd had an operation so I'm sure they knew something was up.

    In other respects, I think I've been quite frank with most people about the situation. People have been generally good I've found and don't ask too many probing questions, usually waiting for me to volunteer information if I feel up to it. From my point of view - and not everyone is the same - it has helped me a fair bit. Before I started seeing the RE, I was walking around, knotted up with anguish and unable to talk about it to anyone. I have felt a lot better physically and emotionally since being more open about the situation. Like I said, I know this wouldn't work for everybody and in the end, it gets down to personalities. How much are you comfortable revealing? I suppose that is the main thing.

  3. #3
    BellyBelly Member

    Sep 2004

    Yeah, I agree with Mel. Its a very personal decision.

    I have found everybody to be reasonably supportive and helpful - of course some say the wrong thing, but not purposely to upset you. However you may find a few that do treat you differently or who disagree with IVF in principle and they may feel as though they need to tell you that (& possibly more than once, IYKWIM!). But I have found that those that might not agree with the path I have taken and who have given me a hard time about it are simply not worth worrying about. I also found it not very surprising that each of them who dont agree with it have at least one child of their own which was conceived very

    anyway, am sure your friends would understand you not telling them about the first pg, especially if you relay to them your fears about them judging you that time, and your now realisation that they would not judge you as they are your friends.


  4. #4
    ok take 2 of going back to work.....

    Nov 2004
    Giving the gift of life to a friend..

    I am a lucky one whom has not had to go down the IVF track & pray i never have too.

    But I can tell you how I felt about a friend of mine.
    We have always been very close & she has ended up marrying a close friend of mine.
    I always knew that both of them were desperate to have kids so after 3 yrs of marriage (they are about 5+yrs older than I) we were always asking when are you gonna have a baby? Only now do I realise the annoyingness of such questions, but believe that it would have made it easier for both of them & us close friends had they told us that she had problems ovulating & was on medication & looking into IVF..

    It wasn't until she was 6 wks preg that they came & told me they were preg & then told 0f the last 4 yrs of struggling to get preg they'd had!
    I then felt awfully guilty for always asking about babies & also felt guilty that I had not been supportive, other than always just questioning...

    If I found out now that they had conceived their daughter by IVF & were going through it again, I would not judge at all, I wuld be so happy for them & confident it could happen again...

    But if you don't want to tell people that's your choice, but I felt guil;ty for having harassed them for so long, but they never once mentioned problems....

    I wish you the very best for your IVF endeavour in the future & if you do tell people & they judge, I'd say thanks for your opinion, it was not asked for so now F'OFF!

  5. #5
    BellyBelly Life Member

    Jan 2005
    in the valley of cuddles with mountains of smiles

    At the moment we (I) have decided not to disclose we are taking IVf path. As we don't know where it will take us till after 1st App. and even maybe 1st cycle.

    Some what difficult with having son (adopted) and if we have to go to IVF apps. - but have a friend (DS friend's mum) who I think I can safely tell and avail her of child minding (or rather somewhere Ds can go before school).

    2, Our own business -and need to be open regular hours - but our 'cleaner' (has daughter who had 2 babies IVF) - so maybe tell and use her for other jobs. Her DH just started doing some part time work too so may be the answer to our prayers [-o< working this out.

    I am worried about the comments and my age (38 still just) - but really no one elses business. I think my family will be supportive considering our recent loss of Charlotte.

    I would give anyone who said anything else a mouthful - 'you just don't know what you've lost till it's happened to you'
    sorry for rambling...

  6. #6
    BellyBelly Member

    Apr 2005
    Sydney, NSW

    Thanks for everyone's responses - I always read everyone's posts here but am still on the short term TTC thread. However I'm finding it hard to keep track of people over there - lots of people joining and leaving quickly (which is great news for them I guess). I may join you lovely ladies when my IVF treatment draws closer as I find everyone's support is very uplifting and heartfelt.


  7. #7
    BellyBelly Member

    Apr 2005

    Hi Humphrey

    I am soon to embark on my first IVF cycle. I, probably like a lot of others here, get so tired of people asking me when we're going to have a baby.

    We have told our families and they have been supportive and I have also told a couple of people at work, knowing that it will get around the office and if I'm a bit out of sorts they will cut me a bit of slack.

    Anyway, this is just what I found was best for us.

    Take care


  8. #8
    BellyBelly Member

    Dec 2003
    Not London

    In the very start of the whole process (2.5 years ago) the only people who knew about us going through IVF were my SIL and my best friend. I decided not to tell my parents or anyone else so then if it never happened I didn't have to explain to anyone or keep answering questions. It has only been the last month that I confessed to my parents and told my sister. I'm such a private person but I can only say it was the best thing I did. I haven't told anyone else but I feel really happy that the people closest to me know what's going on. My DH has told a few of his close friends, and in turn their wives now know, which is good because he needs an outlet as well and they are very sensitive to the position we are in. Once I told my parents and sister I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It's not like every time we talk on the phone they ask me where I'm up to but it is good to have the extra support around OPU or transfer time (and it takes the pressure off my DH a bit!). I think it really comes down to the relationship you have with a person as to whether you tell them or not. If they are only going to cause you grief, or be in your face about it 24/7 then you are probably better off not telling them. It's all part of the ride I guess...

  9. #9
    Sal Guest

    Bee, I only just confided in my mum, but I'm also so relieved. At this stage I don't want my brothers or sister to find out as I have a few feelings still going around re some things my sis has said and done.

  10. #10
    BellyBelly Member

    Dec 2003
    Not London

    Hi Sleebs,

    That's where I'm really lucky I guess - I only have one sister and she and I have always been pretty close even though there is 6 years between us. Well, maybe not when she was at high school and I was an annoying little sister... Anyway, she has two kids aged 8 and 6 and she can't wait until I add to the brood. I'd certainly be reluctant to tell her if there were tensions or jealousies between us. That would be just asking for extra garbage to deal with when you really don't need it.

  11. #11
    Sal Guest

    Bee, that's great that you are so close. I used to think I was so close to my own sis, but when she kept her pg news from me until she was 12 weeks with EACH of her pgs (and the first one was when I wasn't even TTC so there was no issue with being sensitive to me) even though she told mum, I must admit I really felt hurt. I always thought I'd tell her not long after I found out, but now I feel the precedent has been set and if I'm feeling particularly bitter I think about not telling her until I'm showing., I only have to get pg...

  12. #12
    Melody Guest

    Humphrey I looked at this dilema as a double edged sword.

    Yes, I gave away my 'privacy' in a lot of respects & there were certain things about our infertility that we were delicate in discussing but for better or for worse we chose to include absolutely everybody in our IVF (ICSI) journey in the hopes that the more supported we were, the more strength we would have.

    Had we not been successful there is no doubt we would have had all that encouragement & support to try again.

    We sacrificed that special time (when being told we were pregnant) that a couple gets to share alone because it wouldn't have been fair not to let everyone know on the big day when our blood tests were done but looking back I wouldn't have done it any other way.

    We will never be able to concieve naturally so on our next round (when we chose to try for #2) all those same loving & supportive family & friends will be there to guide us once again.