Hey Kirsty,

Yep, guys definitely deal with this is an entirely different way to us. I know a lot of it is the physical aspect of it (that we talked about before) but I also think that a lot of guys have trouble coming to grips with the emotional side of it and therefore try to brush it aside as quickly as possible. I don't mean that in a bad way, i.e that they don't care, as they certainly do, but I think sometimes that they don't want to be seen to be emotional or grieving because it's just not what men do, and they feel that their role is to stay strong for you IYKWIM?? It's a hard situation because whilst it's great to have someone who is strong through the hard times, sometimes all you really need is for them to cry with you IYKWIM, rather than try and be tough about it. It's just their nature unfortunately and I don't know as any of us can change that no matter how much we might try. My DH cried once and that was it - after that I knew things were taking a toll on him but he tried to brush everything aside. It was a hard time on both of us, but we battled through.

I can only imagine how frustrating it is to have people tell you that you should be thankful for James. It's just like you say - as if you weren't for goodness sake! He is not a consolation prize and it doesn't lessen the loss of Alex in any way. I'm so sorry that you're receiving these kinds of comments as I know they don't help. I admire the people who have said to you that they don't understand so are unsure of what to say or how you feel - it's great that they have been honest with you and it demonstrates to me that these people are highly concerned about you and are thinking of your feelings. Some people really don't know what to say and I found it a relief when people acknowledged that because at least I knew they were trying to consider our feelings rather than saying something like "it's natures way" which can be quite hurtful. I don't think anyone ever means to be hurtful by these comments, but because they don't understand the situation or don't think quite as much about it, they have a tendency to say these kind of things without thinking first. I positively HATED these kinds of comments and would fluctuate between wanting to really rip into people about it and being rendered totally speechless.

I'm not sure what to suggest about TTC again and that you feel pressured. I can only suggest that perhaps if you're feeling pressured it isn't a good time as you really need to prepare yourself emotionally for the journey and when you have things so fresh in your mind, it can be pretty hard. Maybe when you feel that you can talk about it some more with your DH, you should go over these issues so that he fully understands your feelings on it, as opposed to the thoughts he has received from some of his friends IYKWIM? You may need to discuss it several times (in fact I'm 100% positive that you will) before you are both in agreement about what you should do, and are both comfortable with that. It can be hard when you're in different 'places' emotionally but with lots of talking about your feelings I'm sure you will get there.

Holy cow...I've rambled on tonight! Sorry Kirsty! Hope you're still awake after reading all that!!!