once again kirsty, you should be so proud of how you did with your little nephew. It must of taken alot of courage, both during and after the time you spent, when you were able to reflect on the experience.

I know what you mean about fluctuating emotions, I feel like I am on a rollercoaster, that I am feeling better and then someone asks me how I am, or makes a simple comment, or something reminds me of our loss (and there are lots of those) and I get really sad again. I really snapped at DH the other day which I don't noramlly do. I was really upset and he asked when my counsellor appt was, and it was just bad timing, and I snapped into, "do you think I am a crackpot or something" mode.

I agree with tootie that you can move on, but you can never forget. I don't think we should even try to forget as we should remember these little souls that have touched us. Whilst I am not in the physical sense, I don't feel like I have been a mother emotionally to these souls, and that the have changed me and that they have left me with something. Sometimes I feel like they have left me with a war wound, but most of the time, I feel that they have left me with something special, something I can't describe with words. I know that ttc will be really hard, and I know a little bit of me wants to hold back from committing just to see that it is going to be alright so I don't get as hurt. But I know at the same time, that each little soul deserves as much love as it can possibly get and that I can't hold back and not let myself emotionally attach, if I get hurt, it just has to be that way. I do feel blessed that I have had these little souls come into my life, even if it was just for a short time. It is amazing when I talk to women who have had m/cs years ago who still say that they never forget, it is like noone ever can, that they are changed forever.

I can totally understand why you are worried, considering your experiences not just with Alex, but with James also. I hope the ob has some answers, some positive ones, it sounds like you really need to know why this is happening. We are also awaiting some test results, and it is amazing what tricks my mind can play on me trawling through all the possibilities, it is hard to slow it down at times.

Keeping hanging in there, and hoping today is a little easier than yesterday for you, Meg