Hey Kab,

Yeah 30w is a bit of a milestone isn't it! In all seriousness, I didn't ever think I would make it this far. I still can't believe this is really happening to me....I had myself convinced that I would never have a baby. I'm sure you can understand that the PG has been one that has been full of anxiety and fear for me. In fact, I worry all the time that something will still go wrong. I think it's sad that I feel that way, but unfortunately it seems to come with the territory.

I can't recall you mentioning that you had asked for tests before conceiving, but I do recall you mentioning about your mother's 9 m/c. How terrible that must have been for her. Don't beat yourself up for not forcing the issue of having tests done prior to conceiving. It's definitely not something that is routinely done. We all place our trust in our medical professionals, after all, they are the experts aren't they, so you do rely heavily on what they tell you to do. Try not to feel guilty about it, although that's way easier said than done. It's hard not to point the finger at yourself a lot of the time....I know I certainly did, and to this day I still wonder whether it was something I did or didn't do, should or shouldn't have done etc etc. My only suggestion in terms of medical treatment/guidance in the future is that you totally put everything on the line in terms of how you are feeling - I have done this with our OB. In fact, we weren't happy with our OB who managed us during our 2 m/c so we sought out the help of another one when I fell PG again and it was the best thing that we ever did. He has been very understanding of our feelings and more than happy to accommodate our needs, i.e. additional scans to reassure us, and answering each and every one of our questions openly and honestly. Sometimes you feel a bit silly and vulnerable for revealing how emotionally distressed you are, but I think the professionals really need to see this side of you in order to gain a real appreciation for your overall medical state IYKWIM?

I don't think what your DH said about taking the heparin sounds harsh - I think he can see that you are in a bit of a bind having receiving 2 different opinions, and that in the long run, you would probably feel better within yourself for taking the heparin? You are right in that you will have enough to worry about during a subsequent PG without adding your concerns about treatment etc to the list. Any subsequent PG is filled with anxiety and fear, I certainly won't lie to you about that. It is a very difficult time, and is one reason why there is a separate forum for those of us out there in that very boat. We all need support - be it on the TTC journey, or during PG itself.

It sounds to me like you have done some very special things to honour the memory of Katelyn. This is really important and I hope you are finding them helpful. I think I mentioned to you that we had written a letter as well as some poems, put together a keepsake box and bought a special plant. We also bought a special christmas decoration for both of our angels so that they are remembered and recognised as part of our family at every Christmas. These kind of things really made a difference to the way I felt - and it sounds like they are being really helpful to you too.

I'm really glad that you are finding this forum helpful too. It's just so reassuring to know that you're not on your own and that there are people out there who understand and care. It can feel pretty isolating when in real life, you don't know anyone who has been through what you have.