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Thread: Baby Lost - Heart Broken (Factor V Leiden responsible)

  1. #37

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    Hi Sarah



    Feeling a little better today.
    Think I may just go and see the doctor to see what they have to say. Need to find a new doctor first. Just moved from our old one.

    Love
    Michelle

  2. #38

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    Snap Michelle - i just replied to you post in TTC.

    Glad to hear that you are feeling better.

    I am at work and a client just bought in their little girl - it hurts so bad.

    Bit of a bummer that you have to find a new doc. But i would agree with going to see one. Last week i was mega mega stressed and i had an appointment with my doc this week but i just couldnt wait to see him i was working myself up too much. I had been calling everyday to see if i could bring the appointment forward but i couldnt. Finally i spoke to my contact from Sids and Kids and she rang the surgery and got me an appointment (bless her). It took a lot of my panic away just to talk to the doc.

    Well heres to a better afternoon for both of us.

    Love Sarah

  3. #39

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    Hey Sarah,

    Big hugs to you! Some days there are reminders everywhere aren't there?! It brings back all that pain and reminds you of what you should have and how unfair everything is.

    Thinking of you :hugs:

  4. #40

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    Hi Angel,

    Yep some days it doesnt matter what you do there are reminders everywhere. I got upset because i was walking down the street and came across a dummy lying on the ground. I wouldnt even have thought twice about that before now it makes me so sad.

    So what day is your appointment? I am thinking of you.

    Sarah

  5. #41
    Melinda Guest

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    Hey Sarah,

    I think it's totally understandable to have a bit of a 'phobia' about certain things when they remind you so distinctly of your loss. IKWYM about the clothes, in fact I can still remember to this day what I was wearing when we found out that our first little angel had died and I haven't worn the top since. Even the smell of certain things has the same effect with me - I used to use the Body Shop Nut Butter on my tummy at that time but haven't been able to bring myself to use it since then. I love the product itself and the smell of it and how it used to make my skin feel, but I just can't bring myself to actually use it.

  6. #42

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    Thanks Tootie

    I dont feel like a total freak about the clothes now.

    After i got to work i hardly noticed that i had them on so it is nice to come to terms with that part.

    I am really struggling and maybe you can help me with this one. I want to have a new baby. We are going to try this month. I am really excited about that as a new baby brings a whole lot of new hope and excitement for our future again. BUT i am feeling funny about Katelyn. Its not that i feel disloyal to her for having another baby. I have had a couple of big conversations with her about how she is the first and nothing can change that and another baby cant change how much i love or miss her so i am sure that she understands everything. However a few weeks ago i was completely wrapped up in just her, and i still am its just that i am thinking about a new baby aswell. I guess i am just trying to adjust to being a mum to Katelyn and a mum to the dream of a new baby. I guess it was only 10 weeks ago that i was waiting for the weeks to go by for Katelyn to be born so maybe i shouldnt be so hard on myself as my life has done a total backflip. Its just that at the end of the day i feel like i havent "been" with Katelyn enough. I still hold her ashes for a couple of hours each day and think about her all the time. Even when i am thinking about a new baby i am still thinking about it in terms of Katelyn so its not that she is out of my mind. I hate the feeling that i am progressing in my grief. I feel really torn because out of loyalty to Katelyn i feel like i want to stay in the day of her birth for my whole life and never forget or feel any better about my life and on the other hand i want to add a new baby to our family and have some good times again. A baby we can hopefully bring home alive rather than precious ashes. I guess that i want to world to know how much i love her and i dont want anyone to think that if we have a new baby it makes everything alright. It doesnt make it ok how could it. My life will always have a big piece missing.

    Does any of this make sense?

    Love Sarah

    By the way my OB just called i have an appointment with him on the 22nd of June. So that is really good because i can see him before i go to the specialist in perth.

  7. #43

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    Hi Sarah

    Your loss was not that long ago it takes time to get over something like that.
    I know you feel disloyal to Katelyn but only the two of you can make the choice of trying for another, it may help with the grieving process if you TTC again.
    You will always have your love for Katelyn and that will never go away. Have you made a memory box so when you have other children you can tell them about her ??

    I do not know what you are going through as i m/c at 6-8 weeks.
    But i have had family loss and i know that is hard to deal with as well.

    Love
    M
    inkdust: :hugs:

  8. #44

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    Hi Michelle,

    Just so you know i consider that a loss is a devastating loss it doesnt matter how far along the pregnancy was. Just because i was so far along everybody knew about it. I am glad for that now because Katelyn has touched so many peoples lives. They didnt know her and they didnt see her and cuddle her like we did but lots of people were still very sad that she was gone.

    I do have a memory box and one of my other posts above i shared the things that i have done. Also my aunty has made me a cross stitch and is sending it down so that is really nice.

    Family loss is hard. I lost my grandad in January. We were very close and he was 81. He had been ill so it wasnt unexpected but it was very sudden in the end. I was lucky that before he was made unconcious for treatment we got to talk to him. I told him that i loved him and he was the first person to know (aside from me and dh) that we were expecting his great grandchild (i had only know for 5 days myself at this point). So i think that Katelyn is up there with him now. I know he was a really fantastic grandad to me and im sure he is looking after her very well for me now.

    Thanks for the inkdust: i am now sending some back to you.

    Love Sarah

  9. #45
    Melinda Guest

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    Hey Sarah,

    I really think that the feelings you are experiencing are totally normal considering your loss. It's natural to be excited, as well as apprehensive about TTC again, for a variety of reasons. I think that you have explained yourself very well in that you feel the need to be a Mum to Katelyn and like you haven't spent enough time with her. It can be really frightening to 'let go' of what has happened to you, even though it's a very important step as TTC again will be a very emotionally and physically draining experience. I guess 'letting go' to some extent means 'moving on' and it sounds like you feel like you're in a bit of a bind as you don't really feel quite 'ready' to move on yet, even though you really want to TTC again this month. You have done some wonderful things to remember Katelyn by, and I think that by always reminding yourself that you are a Mum to a beautiful daughter is very important for both you emotionally, and your future family. I guess the feelings that you are having are kind of similar to those that I had, and the feeling I had that I needed to ask 'permission' from our angels to move on IYKWIM. It made me feel better about TTC again, although it still frightened the pants off me and I felt the need to always remind myself of our little angels and how they should have been here with me. I'm not sure I'm really helping or explaining myself very well here.....but I guess I'm trying to say that it is understandable to be swaying between different emotions and it can be very frightening to feel that you're moving on and wanting to TTC again whilst you feel like you should be staying on the day of Katelyn's birth. Do you think that you feel the need to stay in that place stems from a feeling of guilt? It can be so very easy to point the finger at yourself....in fact I think it's something that we all do and no matter how much time passes, I think you always do to a certain extent. Quite often people feel the need to live in past times because they feel an element of guilt about something, or even regret. I don't know of course if this is the case with you, but if you do find yourself feeling guilty and therefore needing to kind of 'punish' yourself by remaining emotionally on the day of her birth, that's perhaps something that you need to think about a bit more, or talk about a bit more. I'm not a counsellor or anything like that, but having experienced these feelings and having discussed them with many others, guilt does seem to be a fairly common thing, and quite often one of the hardest emotions to deal with. Forgive me if I'm being presumptuous at all as I don't mean to be.... just trying to help you get to the bottom of things and work out a possible reason for you to look at that might help you work through your feelings in a way that will be more positive for you.

  10. #46
    kirsty Guest

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    Hi Sarah, sorry I haven't poked my head in here for a while, life has been a bit hectic with the loss of my beloved Grandma just 2mths&1d after our precious little man, Alex.
    I totally get what you mean about wanting to TTC another baby & feeling odd about the loss we have just suffered. I get totally confused & can go from 1day wanting to TTC, to the next wanting to rip DH's head off for suggesting it. I guess I get stuck in the "what ifs" a bit, like if only it could have happened now coz I would have been almost 29wks & he could have had a chance at life. But I know that that isn't the way to look at it but I just can't help feeling that way. The loss of Alex absolutely devastated me (& DH) & I don't know if I could go through it again. Although I desparately want another baby, I know we are lucky to have one healthy, happy, gorgeous little boy in James, but I still have trouble accepting the fact that our chance to have 2 healthy, happy boys has been destroyed. I find it hard because they look so alike, Alex was the spitting image of James when he was little & even now when James is asleep, all I can see is Alex's little face when I held him after he was born. I'm sorry if I'm rambling, I'll get back on track.
    I just wanted to say that I hope you get the tests & reassurance that you are seeking. I know the OB who took care of us & Alex was absolutely fantastic, he did all he could to help. He offered us genetic testing to make sure that there was nothing there to prevent us from TTC again. He is of the opinion that as I've already "cooked" one to 32wks (that is when my son was born) he can't see why we couldn't manage it again. He has also been brilliant in suggestions as to how he would manage another PG in our case. He said he would do vaginal & cervix swabs in the early stages of PG to make sure that there are no bugs there that shouldn't be & then repeat those tests a couple of times along the way. He also said if we ever were worried about how PG (& bubs) was progressing we could make an appointment with him & he would do an U/S to have a look. I honestly believe that if we hadn't of been sent to him I probably wouldn't be thinking about TTC again at all! I hope it helps to know that with all you have been through you are not the only one thinking the way you are. Hope that things are looking up & that you are going ok.
    Sending lots of :hugs: your way & take care of yourself

  11. #47

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    Hey Sarah,

    Yes, how you feel totally makes sense. I'm sure Katelyn knows how much love you have for her, and she will be with you, be a part of you no matter how much time goes by and how many other children you have. You don't have to leave Katelyn behind. Progressing with your grief and thinking about having another baby does not mean that you are forgetting your daughter or that she means any less to you. Everyone here, especially, understands that Katelyn will always have a special place in your heart and life. Don't feel that you have to rush the grieving process, or be 'over' it by a certain date. It can be really daunting looking to the future, so take the time to work through your emotions day by day, and we are here for you if you need to get it all out.

  12. #48

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    Hi Sarah

    How are you doing ??
    Hope you are feeling a little better in yourself.

    Have had a couple of good days but just think that is because DH is home.

    The only other loss than the m/c is my mum died when i was 14 and i know from that it took ages to forgive and to get used to it. But never forget it's starnge to think that it was 18 years ago but does not seem that long ago.

    Sending you more :hugs:

  13. #49

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    Hi everyone,

    Still feeling mixed up today. Dont really know how to explain it.

    Sometimes i think that i am portraying my grief in a negative light. I think that i am dealing with it as best i can and that is ok. Katelyn's loss is so huge......

    Thanks for replying though it really lifts my spirits.

    I have a question about AF. Hope that it is not tmi.

    Here goes - I had my first AF since Katelyn was born. It was very light and only lasted 4 days. My usual cycle is about 32 days and an even up and down with blood flow over 5 days. So on the 1st i got my second AF (32 day cycle). It was very light almost stopped the first day. From then on it was very very heavy i have never had bleeding like it before. So today is the 8th and i am still bleeding but it is more of a smudge now so i guess it will finish soon but my questions are: Is this normal? Will this affect the amount of days in this cycle? Will i still be able to TTC this cycle and still get preg?

    Tootie, Thanks for your thoughts. Its good to know that what i am thinking is ok. I dont think that i will ever be able to let go of Katelyn at least not in the near future. I also dont feel that i can start to move on until i have another little life within me. Both my DH and i think that another baby will help me to look forward to the future. I dont feel that i am punishing myself just that i should be upset because of whats happened. If i dont cry everyday i feel very bad about it because i lost my little girl i should be crying and then i end up crying anyway. I will have a bit more of a think about this. Thanks.

    Kirsty, Im so sorry about your grandma. When i lost my grandad in January i had told him about Katelyn. I like to think that Katelyn and my grandad are together now and he was such a great grandad to me that i know he would look after my little girl very well. Im glad that you have James but understand that it doesnt make Alex's loss any easier. I look at Katelyn's photo all the time. Its very difficult to see them isnt it. I hope that you are having a good day today.

    Angel, Thanks for telling me that you are sure Katelyn knows how i feel. Its nice to know that someone else believes in this too. Good luck at your appointment - let me know how it goes.

    Michelle, I am so glad that you have had a couple of good days. Im sorry that you lost your mum, i cant imagine how hard that is. Hope that your days continue to be as good.

    Love Sarah

  14. #50
    Melinda Guest

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    Hey Sarah,

    I'm glad my thoughts gave you something to think about - whether they are right or wrong of course is dependent upon your situation and only you can know in your heart of hearts how you feel about everything. I hope what I said didn't come across the wrong way or anything! Feeling mixed up is a pretty awful thing and if there were a magic wand that I could wave to make it all better then I would because having emotions that seem to fly from one extreme to the other don't make you feel very good. Trust me, I know! I can only tell you that those kind of feelings will gradually settle down, and I hope it's sooner rather than later because I know how hard it is, but it really is so different for everybody!

    As for AF. Don't worry about TMI - we all understand! Your cycles can be a little bit wonky after suffering a loss - your body has taken a real beating physically and can do a few weird and wonderful things before it's back to 'normal'! I'm not certain, but I don't think that the number of days AF hangs around for actually necessarily affects the number of days in your cycle. Also, after my 2nd m/c (didn't have AF after my first as I fell PG again right away) I had the worst AF!! It was a lot heavier than usual and I had really bad pain. I'm one to always suffer quite a bit in terms of pain with AF, but this was pretty phenomenal.

  15. #51

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    Tootie,

    I dont think that i am feeling guilty as such about Katelyn dying. I know in my heart that i would have done anything in my power to save her if i could have had the chance. I just wish that i did have a chance. I did all the right things during her pregnancy and nothing i could have done would have prevented FVL from rearing its ugly head.

    When i say i am feeling mixed up it is me saying i cant get my head into order that day. I dont think that my emotions are swinging around its just that i have so many at the one time. I am just constantly very sad and miss her alot (my heart feels broken). The only way i can describe it is like a black cloud over my head.

    I know that i said before that i was struggling to come to terms with being a mum to Katelyn and also a mum to a new baby. I think that this has settled down a bit now. Did you find that TTC helped you to move forward a bit with your grief?

    I hate moving forward because it does feel like if i do that i am leaving Katelyn behind. Like you say i am just not ready to move on from her. I am coming to realise that she will always be with me. I dont think that i will ever come to a point where i say "ok i am done with that". These feelings about missing her will always be there.

    I think that with a little more time i wont feel so mixed up. When i say i hate moving forward, i do its just that also i dont like feeling this horrible longing for something i want so badly and i know that i can never have it (not in this lifetime anyway). You were spot on when you said that i am in a bind. I dont want to feel better about what happened to Katelyn but i do want to learn to accept it as part of my life. I dont think that i can accept what has happened until i have another baby and my life is "as it should be". I have always wanted to be a mum and my dh desperately wants to be a dad so i guess a new little baby in my tummy will help us both to move forward to a more positive place.

    I am trying very hard to explain myself the right way it is not always easy to put these sort of feeling down into words. When i do though it helps me to feel like i am more in control and organised.

    Dont worry about anything coming across the wrong way - you havnt and i know that you are trying to help me anyway. I appreciate your kind and understanding words and thanks for your time.

    Love Sarah

  16. #52
    kirsty Guest

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    Dear Sarah,
    I know how much it takes to "get your head" around your loss & you are right, you will never forget the little girl who was part of your lives for such a brief time. I found it hard to admit that I wanted to move on as I felt that in some way it meant I had forgotten Alex. I came to a point where I decided that I was ok with him being part of our lives for such a short time & that it was ok to want to move forward, he is always in my thoughts & nothing can ever erase the fact that he was part of my life. You will find your own way to deal with it all & if being PG again is what you want to do, then go for it. Katelyn will always know that you care & that if there was anything you could have done to make her outcome different then you would have done it.
    As for AF my first cycle after m/c was normal, but my second AF visit the first day was a nightmare! The first day I bled really heavy & I mean really heavy. I was changing a tampon every 2-3hrs & it was soaked. After day 1 it settled back down, thankfully & went on to finish off normally. I don't think it will affect your chances of a PG this cycle, you may just O a bit later than you would have.
    Hope things are going a bit better for you & thinking of you.

  17. #53
    Melinda Guest

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    Hey Sarah,

    The way you describe feeling 'mixed up' as being not able to get your head into order that day are very much a reaction to grief. Do you find yourself unable to remember things much? I know that this is what has happened to me in the past with deaths in my family, as well as after my m/c's. The brain just seems to get a bit jumbled up for a while I think.

    And it's totally natural to have lots of different feelings and emotions at the one time. You can swing between them, or have them all at the same time - either way it's pretty confusing and a bit daunting. I can only imagine how much you miss Katelyn. Honestly, the feelings of missing her will never disappear - they will stay with you forever. It will always be a very upsetting thing, but in time I hope that the hurt lessens just a little bit. I really don't think you can ever get over this - losing a loved one, particularly a much-loved and precious child is just so devastating so it can take an awfully long time to really regain some normality in life. You've lost not just little Katelyn, but all the hopes and dreams that you had for her. Whatever you do, don't feel bad about the feelings you are having because they really are understandable and normal.

    Did TTC help me move forward with my grief? Yes, for me, I believe it did. When you have hopes and dreams for something so precious, it's pretty hard to just give up on them. After my first m/c we tried straight away (without waiting for AF) as I really felt I had to move on and that was my only way. During this time I did all the 'memorial' type things that I've mentioned to you before. We were lucky enough to fall PG again but sadly I m/c again and I really felt battered and bruised - physically and emotionally. It was after that that we decided to wait a cycle (plus there were other things in my life that needed my immediate attention) and I think waiting a cycle was the best thing for me - it gave me just a bit more time to adjust to what had happened, to think about moving on and to focus on what it is that I really wanted. So after waiting 1 cycle, we then TTC again and I fell PG again - third time, first time we tried IYKWIM. But yes, I think it has helped me. I've now had 2 EDD come and go and I still feel so very sad for my little angels, but I also have a new little life to focus on and support.

    HTH!!

  18. #54

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    Tootie,

    Thanks for being so open and honest with me. I agree with everything that you said! My brain is better now at remembering things than when Katelyn first died but i still find it really hard to concentrate on anything else. Hence why i am on this site all the time. Searching for the answer i guess.

    You must be pretty fertile. It must be a load off your mind that you can conceive so quick. It certaintly would help me to think "dont even worry about it Sarah it is going to happen straight away and you will have the new life to look forward to". It is Katelyn I miss the most but also my pregnancy was also cut short. I was 18 weeks and i had just started to feel better after terrible morning sickness (spewing up 6 times everyday for a few months) and i really loved it sick or not. It will be good to have all that again - not the sickness but the feeling of a little one growing inside you.

    I like to think that this really long and heavy AF is my bodies way of cleaning out and making room for a new baby to be conceived when the time is right. Do you think that is a good way of looking at it? Or should i be more concerned that it is a bit all over the place?

    Sarah

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