Hi Tootie,

I see that you are 30 weeks today - CONGRATULATIONS that is a big milestone in my book =D>

Thanks for your thoughts. You are helping just by comunicating with me. It is so hard.

I dont know if i said before but i actually asked for tests before we became pregnant because of my mothers history with nine miscarriages. Anyhow my doc said no - that there was no need. I feel a bit guilty that i just accepted this because if we had of done the tests then maybe Katelyn's fate would have been different. I have discussed this with my doc since and he said to be honest he probably wouldnt have tested for FVL anyway. As it turns out my mum didnt pass it on to me anyway and my dad is in the process of getting tested but we think that it must have come from him.

Mu Husband has decided that he thinks it is ok for me to take the heparin and just make that decision and not worry about it. The way i said that sounds harsh. He really is very supportive and just wants to do everything like i do. I also said something along the lines of i just want to make the decision and forget about that part as i am sure that i will have enough to worry about with another pregnancy than be unsure about the treatment for the whole 40 weeks.

Well we really want to get prego again. That is hard to admit. I feel a bit guilty about that for Katelyn. But i have told her that she is the first and that if there was anything i could have done or do now to have her back with me for one more minute that i would do it in a second just to have her back - doesnt matter what it was. Also she was a miricle. We cant have her but it is exciting to think that we could have her brother or sister.

A few posts ago you asked me about writing a letter. There are lots of things that i have done to help me to deal with Katelyn's death. I will share them with you 1) We brought a standard rose and a nice pot to have outside (mu husband loves gardening), 2) When we had her cremated we put a few things in the box with Katelyn one of those things was a letter and a few photos etc 3) My husband bought me a gold K pendant and a necklace to wear 4) I am making up an album of the photos that we have of our pregnancy and of Katelyn and 5) i bought some little wooden letters and paint. I am making a bit of a sign to hang somewhere and another set of bigger letters to hand on our christmas tree every year. We also have a candle going for her when we are at home and one that we light on special occasions for her (like her naming ceremony and funeral). I have done a few other special things like that. The thing that helps me the most is that we have her ashes in a little round urn that fits in the palm of your hand. It is really sweet and i hang onto it all the time when we are just watching tv etc. That way i feel as though she is always with us. Our chaplain organised this for us at a time when we were not with it enough to make decisions about how we would feel in the future. I will be eternally grateful to her for the memories that she helped us create.

Well i am rambling on again.

Thanks for listening!

Kab