Be around babies, pg women and newborns? Because Ive come to the realisation that I cant be.
Yep, thats right, I cant look at them let alone smile or anything. Most of my friends who have little babies have never been held by me (and I usually love babies). I cant stop the raging lump in my throat, the shortening of breath and sometimes (but not always) the tears when I see babies, everywhere. Im a mix of jealous, sad, angry all at the same time. I know so many people have it so much worse and I feel so guilty for even writing this but 2 years, 4 m/cs later and its changed me, especially the last one. I cant seem to shut these feelings off and I want to....I need to.
So how on earth do you do it? What if I never have another baby, will these feelings remain my whole life?
I ended up speaking to a counsellor because even though I had a daughter, I still had issues being around babies and pg women when ttc # 2. I had three m/c following my DD & over three years of ttc # 2. All that build up I had to release, so I saw a counsellor and we talked and he thought I was still experiencing grief & I do think that is what it was looking back now. I supressed my feelings & put on a brave face & told everyone I was fine but in reality I was crushed, envious, jealous and coudn't stand anyone being happy and having a baby, because that is what I wanted. When you do have another baby things will change but then you go through a whole other set of emotions. Perhaps consider talking to someone or if you are not comfortable writing a note or just how you feel then burn it. ((hugs))
I've only held one baby in the last ummmm 6 years! (other than DD)
I couldn't do it either, I hate being around babies and it was only December lat year I was able to hold a 1 year old, I still don't think I could hold a new born. It was hard but I just made myself do it, maybe it was easier because the mum had suffered a stillbirth so I was happy she got her rainbow baby. But I haven't held my other niece who is 9 months old.
Be kind to your this is a hard thing to work through. I really don't have any answers just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.
I had an early miscarriage and only 5 weeks afterwards, we had our wedding. The groomsmen and his partner stayed with us with their 6 week old son. I couldn't hold him. I held it together OK and DH had a quiet word to them about why I wasn't holding their little one.
I have no problems with that little bub now, he's just over 6 months old and lovely. But, the hurt was still too raw when I first saw him and had him crying in my home.
I've made myself hold babies. I give myself a pass if I'm not up to it and I plan meltdown time for afterwards.
Good friends of ours had a baby boy born a day after DS1 was born and died. They came to our son's funeral whilst their son was still in SCN, which was enormous of them, I thought. At about 6 or 8 weeks, we went over for a visit. I saw all the congratulatory cards they got but we didn't. I cried as I saw him in the nursery. I cried as I cuddled him. My friends were great. They let my tears fall without judgement or trying to fix it. I held that little boy and realised he wasn't my son. It was my son I wanted and no other child could replace that. I missed my little boy.
Things like that are draining but I believe they are important. We still struggle with birthdays, for example. We never go to kids' birthdays. We dont torture ourselves like that. But every now and again, I'll catch up with someone with a bub and I love to have cuddles. It's harder for me with baby boys, but even then, it's lovely. They're so soft and snuggly More often than not, the next day will be a write off for me as I work through another round of grief, but I make that choice.
With regard to pregnant women, I find it hard. I try not to engage with them. I can't listen to the innocent joy and I dont want to burst their bubble with my history of baby death. They dont need that. I avoid pregnant women or mothers types groups as much as possible. One of the worst times for me, was finally getting myself out of the house and up the road to a cafe only to find a mothers group meeting there. It was agony. It doesn't change when I'm pregnant either. Whilst pregnant with DS2, I still loathed waiting rooms with pregnant women in them.
I try to manage what I can. If I'm not up to it, I dont push myself. If I am, I plan some me time afterwards. Occasionally, I might need hand holding to get through, either by DH or a friend. I'm getting better, but I can still sometimes feel ambushed by babies/pregnancy. I avoid baby shops like the plague.
The only exeption to this is the joy I have when another mama who's survived a baby death has her rainbow baby. That kind of magic is wonderful to me and I cherish celebrating her joy through grief and the life of the little one.
Mines a different situation but kinda the same. You know what I thought once I had my baby all those feelinsg would go away and I would want to hold everyones babies and be 'like everyone else' but it hasnt changed. The scars that are formed so deeply during such awful times of loss and despair run so deeply that they have a very strong hold over you for a very long time....maybe forever.
Personally, I didnt switch off those feelings and I missed out on so much, I never held either of my closest friends babies (6 between them, my god they breed quick too ) when they were newbies, actually not sure I held one of them ever. I never got to share in their pregnancies, their birth stories or their times as a new mum all because I couldnt bring myself to do it. I missed out on their birthdays and so many more occassions that looking back now, I regret so SO much.
Totally agree with LionsandBears, allow yourself that meltdown afterwards but dont miss out on what you will regret, even if atm you dont think that you will. You are allowed to be so angry and envious and feel such hate that it isnt you and dont forget that that is normal! Be kind to yourself and please dont stop believing in miracles
Thankyou all for your advice and perspectives, especially because you showed me that its OK to be upset. I am missing out on my friends kids (and company for that matter) because Ive tried to avoid them. I guess knowing I'll be in a world of pain when they leave is the price I have to pay, though I can be selective about who I want to spend time with.
Tashy, it must have been incredibly hard for you to hold that baby boy, and then deal with the aftermath. I will take on board your advice.
Diamond girl, I was trying to work out how to message you and came across this thread. Which is funny because " how do you get through it" is the question I was going to ask?
My friends think my sadness has gone on for to long and that I should just snap out of it. Some of them have had miscarriages in the past, but all have three or two children now, so I think it is very hard for them to remember how utterly heart breaking it is....
I am doing the same as many of you ladies and avoiding all get togethers with mothers. I have also been unable to hold any of my friends babies. It is nice to know this is normal and I am not the only one.
Hi Nicolab - Im sorry to hear you are going through this.
There is no time limit on grief, and many of those who havent been through a loss (or more) or have gone on to have children dont realise/remember the profound effect it can have on you, months and months later, so they think you should be over it. I did cry in front of friends too and I know it made them uncomfortable, but I was hurting so bad and I couldnt make the tears stop no matter how hard I tried. I had to avoid people with babies, etc because it was too hard, I wasnt in the headspace to deal with it. You are absolutely not the only one to feel his way.
I am pg again now (9w) and while the pain of my recent m/cs has eased a little, it has been replaced with the very real fear that it may very well happen again.
Nicolab, so sorry for your loss/losses. Noone ever said to me that it was time to move on, although I did a lot of internal grieving and spoke to a counsellor rather than discuss it with friends. TBH I grieved for years after my m/c's & like Diamond Girl said, although I am pg now I still am scared, worried etc... that it may happen again. If this baby wasn't to stick I don't think I could put myself through another pg with the hope it will may alright. Everyone grieves differently and I woulc express this to your friends b/c if they don't know how hurtful their words and actions are, they'll continue to say and do those things. I wish you all the best if you decide to try to have another baby
Diamond girl, so very happy for you. I really hope everything works out. I will be thinking of you.
Rhichichi, did you think the counselor helped? I am thinking of seeing someone, not really sure what I expect to happen, just hope it helps. I am currently trying for another, but like you not sure if I can go through another miscarriage.....I guess we wait and see...
Yeah, I think it did a bit b/c he helped my recognise that it was grief I was still going through. I didn't know what was wrong, why I was so upset all the time or at random times & he helped me own those emotions and I worked through the grief. I read up alot about grief and the steps you go through. This counsellor talked about this woman (can't think of her name) who is a psychologist and said there were 5 or 7 steps when grieving & that reasonated with me. (anger, blame etc...) Sometimes writing down how you feel and burning it can help too.
its very hard. it seems that everywhere I look, there is a pregnant woman and babies everywhere. I found that writing what happened down helps. Also picking out a song that when it is played, it made me think of that period in my life and how much miss my little angel.
How do you do it?
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this is a hard thing to work through. I really don't have any answers just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.
More often than not, the next day will be a write off for me as I work through another round of grief, but I make that choice.
) when they were newbies, actually not sure I held one of them ever. I never got to share in their pregnancies, their birth stories or their times as a new mum all because I couldnt bring myself to do it. I missed out on their birthdays and so many more occassions that looking back now, I regret so SO much. 
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