Mines a different situation but kinda the same. You know what I thought once I had my baby all those feelinsg would go away and I would want to hold everyones babies and be 'like everyone else' but it hasnt changed. The scars that are formed so deeply during such awful times of loss and despair run so deeply that they have a very strong hold over you for a very long time....maybe forever.
Personally, I didnt switch off those feelings and I missed out on so much, I never held either of my closest friends babies (6 between them, my god they breed quick too ) when they were newbies, actually not sure I held one of them ever. I never got to share in their pregnancies, their birth stories or their times as a new mum all because I couldnt bring myself to do it. I missed out on their birthdays and so many more occassions that looking back now, I regret so SO much.
Totally agree with LionsandBears, allow yourself that meltdown afterwards but dont miss out on what you will regret, even if atm you dont think that you will. You are allowed to be so angry and envious and feel such hate that it isnt you and dont forget that that is normal! Be kind to yourself and please dont stop believing in miracles