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Thread: Can I share?

  1. #19
    Melinda Guest

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    Hey Zola,

    Glad you understood what I was getting at there in my last post (and that Colleen does too) because I just really believe that everybody deals with grief, loss and stress in different ways - the main point is that they DO work through it rather than try to avoid it altogether. Everyone must do what is right for them, and others may not always understand it, but you've got to do what you've got to do IYKWIM.

    I too felt that it was something I had done....e.g. something I had eaten that I shouldn't have, or something that I didn't eat that I should have. I actually remember that when we were told our first baby had died, it was the first thing I asked - "what did I do wrong?". As you say, I too began to think that I had done something terribly awful in a past life or something! That I simply did not deserve children! How cursed could I be.....and then I'd struggle to try and work out WHY I was cursed, again, what had I done wrong....so the vicious cycle continued.



    I remember trying to deal with family and friends immediately following my first m/c and that one person in particular told me I was being self-indulgent!!! How was grieving being self-indulgent? I've lost a child! So yes, isolating myself from such things was simply what I needed to do for a while.

    Getting up each day and just battling through the best way that you know how - yes, it's the best thing that you can do for yourself when every day seems like an uphill battle and you can't see anything positive in your day. This might sound totally silly to you, but even if you see posting in this forum (or another one!) once a day as part of your day - i.e. something to occupy your mind a little bit and to get your feelings out in a positive way? Just tossing ideas around here as I know that for me, developing some kind of routine when I felt I was able to, was a good thing. For me, I started making sure that each day that it was sunny outside, that I would take my beautiful dog for a walk. I soon realised that just for that half an hour that I was outside walking him, I didn't think about anything else but him...what he was looking at, things he was smelling, how warm or cool it was, did he need a drink, and how happy he was to be outside and to be with me. I find it refreshing to come home and to realise that for half an hour I'd be free of worry. Even half an hour is a relief!! Anyway, they're just my thoughts/suggestions - let me know what you think because it could well sound like a load of rot to you and that's quite ok! LOL Do whatever is right ok?

  2. #20

    Join Date
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    Colleen,

    I'm so sorry if it sounded like I was having a go at you... I most certainly wasn't. I understand that everyone has their own way of dealing with things, and I'm really glad that after all you've been through that you've found a way to cope.

    As for the God thing, I wasn't trying to make any judgements or anything like that there either. I was just expressing my views on what is a touchy subject, and I do envy people who have the faith that someone up there is looking out for them in the long run. My parents in law are religious, and that is something that I think they find great comfort in. I was just never raised in that kind of family, so I've never really believed. I do like to think that there is something out there that is bigger than any one of us, but I tend to think more along the lines that nature has an awareness rather than believing in any one God.

    Anyway, getting off my high horse, what I wrote was not intended to be offensive or judgemental. *Apologies*

    To change the subject completely, did anyone here commemorate their lost babies in any way? After my second d&c, a grief counsellor cam to my room at the hospital and offered me some pamphlets on grief support groups etc, but she also suggested that we do something to remember our baby. I'm not good a writing poetry, and I manage to kill almost every plant I get my hands on, so I wasn't sure what to do. In the end I got a tattoo. I had my first one dome when I was 18, and a second done just after my wedding. I came up with a design that really appealed to me, and every time I catch a glimpse of it in the mirror, I remember why I got it done. It's a cheeky little purple dragon on my right shoulder. My memory is shocking, but I think I came up with the idea of another tattoo after our last m/c. This one I see everyday because it's on my ankle, and I chose it specifically for it's meaning. It's called a triquetra. It's celtic in origin and it represents the celetic belief in a tripple goddess - the innocent virgin, the warrior within, and the wise crone. It also represents the belief in life, death and rebirth - which I why I really love it. It gives me hope that one day the little baby that's tried to arrive so many time will eventually make it into this world.

    I think that's enough from me for now....the washing up needs doing

    Tootie....sometimes I think you must really be peeking into my thoughts when I'm not looking. As my aunt says to me a lot "we're on the same brain-length"

  3. #21
    Melinda Guest

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    Hey Zola,

    To answer your question about commemorating your little angels - yes, I did. I must admit that it was something I felt more able to do for our first angel however and did more for her than I did my second. I'm not really sure why - my overwhelming feeling at the time was that I simply couldn't bring myself to do the same things for another angel that I had done only a couple of months earlier IYKWIM....it was too hard.

    I'm not much at writing poetry either, but strangely somehow words came to me. I wrote 2 poems. I also bought a plant which is thriving in my front porch. I also wrote her a letter (I should explain myself - I had a very strong feeling that our first was a girl....I even dreamt about her twice). In the letter I explained the immense sense of loss I felt, how much I loved her, the hopes and dreams that I had for her and how I would always remember her as part of our family. I also asked her for permission to move on. I felt that I couldn't move on unless she allowed me to.....and I felt that as my child, I should ask her permission. It really helped me to get that out and onto paper. I also told her in the letter that I would keep all the things that we had bought for her, and that we would like to give them to her brother/sister in the future when we hopefully conceived again, so that it was a gift from her, to them. I did however, take aside a little teddy bear that I had bought when I first found out I was expecting. It was only a small yellow bear, but it had really caught my eye at the time and I felt it really belonged just to her, like it was somehow representative of her nature. I put the poems, the letter and the little bear into a white box that I had bought especially for her, and tied it together with a nice pink ribbon. The box sits in my wardrobe, together with a box of little things that were once my Dads (he passed away nearly 3 years ago) which makes me feel a little better. I like to think that my angels are with him somewhere. I can't tell you how much these things helped me. At Christmas time, I also wanted to buy her a special christmas decoration for our christmas tree. I bought her one, and also our second baby one, as I then felt ready to commemorate him in some way too. I felt that this way, each year as the Christmas Tree is put up and we are celebrating a wonderful time of year, our little angels will also be remembered and be part of it all.

    Eeeks...washing up...yes I must attend to that too! Bum.....

  4. #22

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    Thanks Tootie (and everybody else in here) for your comments.

    I've really enjoyed (though i'm not sure that's the right word) reading this thread - it's good to "speak" with other people who understand where we're coming from.

  5. #23
    Melinda Guest

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    No worries at all Felius. I hate the fact that this particular forum even exists - I wish it didn't IYKWIM? It's just awful that people have to experience such tragedy. But, given that they sadly do, it's comforting to be able to share your experiences with other people.

    I'm glad that you guys both came in here to share your journey because even though I'm halfway through a PG now (and I never in a million years thought I would get this far), I still suffered 2 devastating losses last year, for which the pain will never totally go away and I think I grieve for them in a way each and every day. I do know that by talking to others about their loss, as well as mine, that it actually helps me come to terms with it. I'm also glad that you offered your perspective as a male - I think it's offered us all some really valuable insight into how it feels for a guy.

    To get off the subject for just a sec, I'm also just a bit chuffed to see a couple of fellow Tasmanians here - we're in the vast minority! So if either of you ever want to have a yap about anything else, stick your head into the Tassie forum ok??

    Take care guys.....

  6. #24

    Join Date
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    Hey everyone...

    I'm sure this isn't the best thread to post this in...but here goes.

    I've been feeling a bit up and down the last few days. I hurt my back on Sunday night and it's been killing me since then everytime I move. I've also been thinking a lot about our m/c and starting ttc in the next few months, so maybe that's got me a little down.... I did think that I'd been thinking positively though.

    Anyway, long story short. DH took the day off today to look affter me and to take me to the doctor. I couldn't get into the GP until 4.15, and was just so frustrated at times because I could hardly move.

    A few weeks ago DH had ordered an eternity ring for me. He apparently got a call today saying that it was ready, so under the pretence of going to pay bills, he went to pick it up (he did actually pay some biills too )

    When he came home he gave it to me to cheer me up. He said that he was going to save it, and do something special to give it to me, but he thought I needed some cheering up right now.

    Isn't he the sweetest !!!!!

    Well.. that's it. I just wanted to share what a wonderful DH I've got

    :smt057 "W" Felius

  7. #25
    Melinda Guest

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    I can definitely sympathise with the back - trust me! I've had major problems with mine....I won't go into details, but yeah, it's nasty.

    OMG how nice is that of Felius!!! You're one lucky lady mate!

    Chin up matey....it's rough when you're feeling bad physically, because it does tend to make you feel worse mentally too. I just hope that you're feeling a little better soon.

  8. #26

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    Thanks Tootie,

    I think the cortisone (sp??) is kicking in now.. should be right back up there tomorrow. Back to work and volleyball tomorrow night

  9. #27

    Join Date
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    Hey Zola, just popped in to say that it was so sweet of your DH to give you your ring because you have been having a rough time lately. My mum got her eternity ring just after she had a m/c with the baby after me (I was about 4 at the time) because dad thought she needed cheering up.

    Sometimes men can be soooo sweet

  10. #28

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    Sometimes

    Don't want them getting a big head!

  11. #29

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    LOL Zola!!!

  12. #30
    Pietta Guest

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    Hello everyone,

    I have just started venturing out of the second trimester forum and I came across this thread of posting. I just want to say that I think you are all so brave coming to terms with m/c. I hope none of what i write comes out the wrong way and I am sorry if it does. When i found out i was pregnant DH and i were in shock because we were not expecting to fall preg naturally, let alone on the first time (Because I have PCOS). For the first 3 months i had reactive depression because I was taking so much medication to keep my baby. I had the nurse from my doctors surgery ring me on a friday and tell me that I am most likely going to miscarry that weekend because of my low progesterone and to be prepared. I cired and cried for the whole weekend but had no bleeding. On Monday I went to see my doc and had HCG tests and my bub was fine. I needed an u/s to believe it though. So although i havent m/c i sort of do understand the emotional (not physical) side of it.
    It has been very very tough for me to hold onto Bubbs, i have had weekly to 2x weekly blood tests, oodles of different medications, visiting heaps of weird and wonderful doctors and many many visitis to the OB and ER at the local hospital. (The midwives know me by name down there! and they see about 100 women a week!) anyway I just wanted to give some hope that even when the odds are against you, miracles can still happen. I prayed for weeks and weeks before we started TTC officially that I too would experience the joy of having my own baby, and I am very lucky to be 20 weeks preg almost.
    I know it is hard to do, but please dont give up hope because I know good things DO happen to good people... hey I am a great example.

    Love and Hugs and Baby Dust,
    Peita

  13. #31
    redmoon Guest

    Default same boat

    i'm so glad to find out that i'm not alone in this.

    i'm new here and just posted my first msg in ttc after miscarriage. i'm chandra, 34 yrs old. i lost my babies (twins) at 9 weeks 5 days after ttc for more than 1 year. my babies stopped growing at 8 weeks after we saw the split of the embryo (identical twins). my husband and been married for more than 2 yrs now.

    the week i had my d&c, a very good friend of mine gave birth to a wonderful baby boy one year after losing her first child 4 days after giving birth. i truly wanted to be happy for her but i couldn't get myself to visit her. it was also very hard for me to go to my mom's for our weekly dinner cuz i would have to see my 3 baby nieces and nephews and 1 very preggy sis-in-law. and my family never fails to remind me that it's ok and i can try again and have another baby despite my age and that the babies might have been defective or something. but they don't understand that i know i could get pregnant already (that's not the problem anymore) but i miss my babies!! and they were not defective! they were perfect! i even had comments that they were not babies yet cuz we didn't get any heatbeat, i found that really cruel.

    my sadness stems from missing the babies' presence and my pregnant body. i should be 14 weeks by now and the babies would be big.

    i also got my first mother's day greeting and bawled my eyes out on our way to church. i didn't think i'd feel such emptiness and i dread this coming sunday.

    thank you so much for all your stories cuz it makes me feel like i'm not alone.

    chandra
    married to alfred 1/26/02
    babies 1/14/04-3/22/04

  14. #32
    Melinda Guest

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    Hey Chandra,

    I just replied to your post in the other forum, so you might want to take a look there.

    Some people sadly don't realise the effect that their words can have on someone who has just experienced the tragedy of a m/c. I too had several comments that "it was nature's way" or "there must have been something wrong". These comments are so offensive and wrong! I know many people truly do not know what to say, and unfortunately these are the things they end up saying and they do not mean to be rude, but the point is that these kinds of comments don't make your loss any less hurtful! It's sad that some people seem to think that those comments will somehow make you feel better! The comments that I found really helped me were the ones where people would simply say "I'm sorry for your loss" or would simply acknowledge that they didn't know what to say. Those comments helped me the most.

    Your babies WERE babies - YOUR babies!! And what you have been through doesn't make that any less real. Again, it's just another case of people really not knowing what to say in this kind of situation, and unfortunately ending up saying the wrong thing! I know most people don't mean to be rude, but it can come across that way can't it! I can tell you in all honesty though, it has taken me until now to realise this - when I was getting these kinds of comments I just couldn't understand how they could be so mean!

    It's understandable to be unable to cope with seeing babies and PG women at this point - in fact so much so that I kept myself indoors for a good couple of weeks following my 1st m/c! It was too upsetting for me to see babies and PG women - and it seemed like they were everywhere! I kept telling myself that perhaps they had been down the same road that I had been, that they deserved their babies etc, but it didn't make it any easier, as I still felt that it was too much of a reminder of what I had just lost. In time, it will get easier. I'm sure that those around you will understand that it can be upsetting for you right now.

  15. #33

    Join Date
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    Hi Chandra,

    I'm so sorry for your loss.
    No one understands how you feel as much as a lot of the girls here. We all know how alive and real all of our babies were, no matter how early we lost them. People who haven't been there just don't understand, and they try to help without knowing exactly what to do. They don't mean to hurt you or belittle your experience....they just don't know.

    Your feelings are all valid, and you don't need to feel bad about wanting some time and space to grieve. It can be a really painful experience to be around pg women after a loss like yours, so don't feel bad about giving yourself a little space. You need to deal with this the best way you possibly can, and I'm sure that your family will understand.

    I hope it starts to get easier for you soon.

    *hugs*

  16. #34
    redmoon Guest

    Default thank you!

    thank you, tootie and zola!

    i've been waiting for those kinds of comforting words for such a long time now. i really needed the assurance that what i''m feeling is justified and i'm not just overacting. remarkably, in my side of the world, not one had given me this kind of support. even my husband who is the best but can't seem to understand my feelings. it's just normal and natural for people to automatically think m/c is just a procedure and a chance to start anew, people forget that there were babies lost during this time.

    thank you again. you just don't know how comforting it feels to have you say that they were my babies and i didn't just dream them.

    gratefully yours,
    chandra

  17. #35
    Melinda Guest

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    Chandra,

    No, you're certainly not overreacting and your feelings are 100% justified! I'm sorry that you haven't been able to receive much support, but rest assured you can come and chat to us whenever you feel like it!

  18. #36

    Join Date
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    Hey Chandra,

    You never need to feel the you're feelings aren't valid here. Everyone deals with things in their own way, but that doesn't make it any less real or traumatic.
    I don't know how I would have coped without the support of my DH, but having found BB and chatting to people who have been through similar experiences has been fantastic for me. It helps just to know that you're not alone.

    Wishing you all the best

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