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Thread: Can I share?

  1. #1

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    Default Can I share?

    Hi everyone,



    I have just been reading some of the other posts here, and I'm hoping I can add my story to the list.
    I've only just regstered, so I'm kind of new at this, please forgive any mistakes.

    My husband and I have been togehter for about 6 years. At the end of 2000, I got pregnant... while on the pill. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I stopped taking the pill. At our first appointment I was told by my GP to go to the radiologist to have an ultrasound, so I did. The radiologist told me the sac looked about 6 weeks old in size, but she couldn't see a heartbeat, so she told me to come back. I went back 2 weeks later and was told exactly the same thing - that the pregnancy was about 6 weeks.
    After several weeks of stuffing around, I was finally at our local hospital and after being seen by about 7 different doctors in the space of an hour, we were told quite bluntly "It looks like your baby is dead, you'll probably have to come back next week for a D&C".
    Eventhough my husband and I hadn't been trying, we were devestated... as much by our treatmemt as at losing our baby.

    We were married in early 2002 and bought our own house in October 2002. We started trying to get pregnant in Nov 02 and it took us until June 03 to get pregnant. We we ecxtatic! We had a private ob/gyn and we saw our baby's heartbeat for the first time at about 7 weeks. About 2 weeks after that visit I started to have some light brown discharge.. so light that I could barely even tell. I called our doctor and he told me not to worry too much and to come and see him. We went back and he told us that he couldn't see the heartbeat any more. Back to hospital for another D&C.

    We were determined not to give up, so we started trying again a few months later. It took no time, and I was pregnant again in January this year. Once again we got excited, convinced that this time would be different. Everything was fine at our first visit... progressing perfectly normally. This time about 4 days after our visit to the doctor I started to bleed and the next day I actually miscarried. My husband was home with me at the time, and we were both crushed to see the little grey blob that should have been our baby.

    I want a baby so desperately, but am soo scared to try again. i don't know how many more times I can go through this. I feel like I die a little bit inside each time it hapens, and if I do get pregnant again I'm scared that i will be so stressed that I might cause a miscarriage on my own.

    My husband has tried to be the strong one, but I know how much he is hurting too... from losing our babies and from seeing me in so much pain. It seems like everyone is having babies except for me. Our best friends started trying, were pregnant in 3 months, has no problems during their pregnancy and now have a gorgeous little boy. I'm happy for them but at the same time so sad and jealous.

    Sorry for rambling, it's just helpful to be able to vent a little without having to wory about anyone seeing my cry.

    If anyone has any advice, I would be most grateful to hear it.

    Thanks.

  2. #2

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    Zola, so sorry for the loss of your poor little angels.

    I haven't been there, so I won't claim to know how you are feeling, but I will send you some cyber hugs to know someone is thinking of you...

    :hugs:

  3. #3

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    Thanks heaps.
    It might sound bad, but it helps to know that I'm not the only one going through this.
    I really hope you never have to, and that everything works out for you. O

  4. #4
    Melinda Guest

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    Hey Zola,

    First of all, welcome to BB. It's also great to see another Hobartian here - until now I thought I was the only one! I realise I'm about to use some forum jargon here, so if there are abbreviations etc that I use that you're not familiar with, just take a squizz here ok?

    I really am so truly sorry to hear about your m/c's. I have had two - one immediately following the other last year. The first one, I needed to have a D&C (I was 10.5w when we found out our baby had died at 8.5w and had a D&C at 11w), the second one I m/c naturally, so I can relate to the physical aspects of both these experiences. I can honestly say I was rather unimpressed with the OB that we had at the time, and also our treatment at the ultrasound/x-ray place. To be told that your baby is dead or that the pregnancy is not viable is just so cruel and heartbreaking and there is nothing else that I can possibly compare it to.

    You might be able to tell from my signature that I am nearly 20w PG now and all is well. My reason for drawing this to your attention is that I want you to know that there is still hope. It is difficult to see that right now, I know. I can honestly say that my DH and I were totally petrified of TTC again and I felt so stressed and anxious about it. I'd be lying if I told you that I wasn't still stressed - unfortunately I think it comes with the territory IYKWIM. But, that's one of the reasons why a special forum has been dedicated to TTC after m/c or loss - it brings with it a whole new range of fears and anxieties that you know only too well, so if you feel like it, please come and join us all there too. It certainly doesn't sound bad to say that it helps to know others have been in a similar position - I know exactly what you mean - it really does, so I hope that we in these forums can be of all the support that you need!

    Have you had any tests done to investigate why this might be happening? My DH and I did, and they came back all clear. I found that quite frustrating as it seemed that our two little angels died for no reason. But, thankfully, most of the time even if there are problems detected, they can do something about it. I don't know if you've had tests done or thought about it, but perhaps it might make you feel better about TTC again if you think about these steps? It's just a suggestion and above all, it's important that you do whatever is best for you and DH.

    I'll end my post there for now, but you'll find loads of support and information on this website and we're all here to help. If you have any questions at all, then please don't hesitate to ask, send me an e-mail etc. I'm only too glad to help others who have been in this position as I truly know how awful it is and to have someone to have a bit of a yap to about it all really makes the difference sometimes. It's sad that there are a few of us here that have had this experience, but if it helps someone else in their journey, then that makes me feel a bit better about my own personal experiences IYKWIM??

    Take care Zola, and I'll chat to you again soon......

  5. #5

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    Zola, welcome to BB. I'm sorry that you have to be here under such awful circumstances. That's great advice from Tootie, definitely have some tests done if you haven't already. Hopefully it'll help your OB create a new plan of action for you, and maybe even refer you on to a specialist who will be able to give you further assistance. Take care.

  6. #6
    meg Guest

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    Hi Zola,
    I know what you mean. I never thought this journey was going to be so hard with so much heartache, and so much emotional turmoil. In the last year I have had some of the most difficult times in my life. If I count my early ones ie. one at 4 weeks, one at 5 weeks that m/ced at 7 weeks, one at 5 1/2 weeks I have had three. Am pregnant at the moment. At ultrasound last week I was told that the baby was dead, no heartbeat, no blood flow. Today on repeat u/s we had bloodflow and a slow but present heartbeat, we are just hanging on. I know what it feels like to be told its not "viable" and don't know what to feel at the moment knowing it might be.

    Anyway, enough about my story- but it sounds like our journeys certainly have their similarities. The fear of ttc again is huge. It is amazing how so many people have these easy pregnancies. I think one you have an m/c you can heal, but you willl never forget and that there will never be the same excitement about being pregnant as you would be if hadn't have m/ced.

    I haven't been posting on this site for long, but already I have found it enormously supportive with heaps of understanding people, and you're so right that you can ball your eyes out and noone will know, and you don't have to hold it together enough to actually talk. I think that is how I feel, is that sometimes it is so hard to talk about it without becoming a blubbering mess,but you can write.

    Anyway, take care, and keep posting. Meg

  7. #7

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    Sarah, Tootie, Angel, Meg,

    Thanks so much for replying to my post.... it's been great to know that I'm not alone in all this, and that my feelings aren't unnatural.

    After my m/c in Aug last year our OB did a whole bunch of tests, including a chromosome test for genetic incompatability, and every single test he did the results came back normal. That was one of the hardest things... the fact that I kept losing babies and no one could tell us why it was happening.

    All he has suggested is for us to have a bit of a break, which we are, and to keep trying.
    I'm so up and down at the moment. Some days my frame of mind is that we'll just keep trying as long as it takes and we will have the baby we want so desperatly, and other days I just dissolve into a heap of tears and am convinced that I'll never get to experience my baby's first movements, first smiles, first day at school... and it leaves me feeling so empty and worthless.

    I have a battle with depression at the best of times, and occasionally I really have to fight to keep my will to even exist in a world where such painful things can happen to so many people.

    As you might have noticed, I have a tendancy to ramble a lot.... but I really just wanted to thank you. It's nice to see that there are people out there who are willing to extend a thought to someone they don't even know.

    I hope to get to know you all a bit better..... if you can put up with my epic posts O

  8. #8
    Melinda Guest

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    Hey Zola,

    Yes, knowing that your babies have died for no reason is awful - it was exactly the same with us and I kind of felt then that it MUST have been my fault somehow - it had to have been something I had done, or didn't do IYKWIM. The guilt factor is an awfully heavy burden to carry.

    You and I sound quite alike - I too have battled with depression - pretty much my entire life. There have been a lot of events over the years that have certainly made this worse, and the m/c's are certainly included in that category. I have been on and off anti-depressants and counselling etc etc - the last time I took anti-depressants for over 5 years and it was a slow and difficult process to ween myself off them, but I wanted to be free of them before TTC.

    And don't worry about rambling - it's one of the things that I do best LOL and I certainly have made some rather monumental posts myself! The main thing is, that if it helps, then go for it ok?!

    Can I ask who your OB is??? Obviously you needn't reveal that information if you're not comfortable in doing so - I would just be interested to know. We were seeing a female last year but gave her the boot in favour of someone else since we were rather displeased with her to say the very least and we really felt that we needed a fresh start if that makes sense.

  9. #9

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    Colleen,

    I think you must have been living in my life for a while.... some of the things you said are pretty much the exact same things I was thinking or feeling.

    It really does seem like once I go through a m/c everyone around me is having babes or falling pg. I'm just waiting for the anouncement that our best friends are expecting their second. Other friends of ours just told us last week that they are expecting in 6 months. It's so hard to sound happy for them and congratulate them when my eyes fill up with tears and I'm thinking - when will it be our turn.

    One of the hardest things to deal with is when my friends, especially the ones with babies, start to act uncomfortably around me, and even avoid me because they don't know how to react when I start crying, or they're afraid that they might upset me. No one I know has ever had a m/c so I don't really have anyone to talk to who understands what we've been through. I really appreciate the response from everyone here, and the offers of support. I'm sure that one day I will be taking up the offers or pm's and emails.

    My DH sounds a lot like yours in the fact that he doesn't show his negative emotions very much. He has cried twice that I know of about our m/cs but feels totally helpless that he can't help me through my really rough periods. I told him about this forum, and he was reading a lot of the posts last night. I think he even registered and may post himself one day. I know he doesn't reallly talk much about it either.

    Hopefully we'll both be ready to start ttc in the next few months, but I know I'm going to be having a hard time with being so afraid of something I want so badly.

    Anyway, we'll see how it goes. I'm trying to keep believing that everything will turn out alright in the end.

    Oh, btw... I picked zola because I love English Premier League football, and my favourite player for years has been Gianfranco Zola from Chelsea

  10. #10

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    Tootie,

    Sorry....should have included this in my last post.....having a complete blonde day.

    Our OB is Sam Campbell. We're really happy with him.. he's really considerate and takes the time to answer any of our questions. He just can't seem to tell us why all this is happening.

  11. #11
    Melinda Guest

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    Hey Zola,

    IKWYM about people avoiding you because they don't know what to say - this exact same thing happened to me as well and it was awful. It's like they were ignoring the fact that I'd been pregnant and had suffered a m/c (no one except immediate family and a couple of very close friends knew about the second). I felt like screaming at them! I also don't know anyone who has suffered m/c, so it really feels very lonely and I went hunting and searching on the internet for information and sources of support....I really feel like I've made some very good friends this way as I've been able to share a very emotional path with them.

    I wish it were as easy as waving a magic wand, but unfortunately it isn't. It really upsets me that so many women have to experience m/c. The feeling of thinking your dreams will never be realised is devastating and everyday feels like an uphill battle. My hope for you is that by sharing your thoughts on feelings here, you will know that despite the odds, good things do happen. Sometimes it takes a while, but along the journey we're all here to offer support. Most importantly, just know that you're not alone!

  12. #12
    meg Guest

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    I totally agree with colleen that it is so hard when they don't take early losses into account, because we as woman know so much about our own bodies, we know when we are carrying a baby on some level and we feel that connection from early on. I too have had several early losses and bascially no investigation. I know how it is when you have friends around you that have the easiest pregnancy journey- I feel like this is the hardest thing DH and I have ever been through. I have a friend who is pregnant and due when the first little soul we lost would be and it is so hard. I have really lost contact a bit with her at the moment, because I know I'm not always strong enough to be around her, it is like salt in what feels like a still fresh wound. It didn't help when I told her about my m/c that she said that it is just my bodies way of telling me that it wasn't right, that it rejected it. She has no idea what it is like to lose a little soul, I can't expect her too. I think that is why this site has been great because people here know what is like. It is interesting that I don't have the same thoughts about pregnant women in the m/c thread as other woman, because I feel like they know just how lucky they are, they bring a sense of hope and you have to be so excited things are working out because they really deserve it. Oops, have to remember I am one of those pregnant women as of Wednesday now we have a heartbeat, 8 weeks and hanging on- I hope we can be the people to attest to the fact that miracles can happen, and I'm sure that can happen for anyone.
    Sending lots of cyberhugs, Meg

  13. #13
    Kris Guest

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    Welcome Zola,

    I am only new here also. I am so sorry about your losses. I had a miscarriage a few months ago and was just devestated. My husband is also being the strong one, and I am finding it also very hard to deal with. It doesn't help that I work with babies. But just everyone seems to be pregnant at the moment. We are trying again, but I am just so scared that I will miscarriage again. I wish you all the luck and I hope you have success soon.

    O Kris

  14. #14

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    Hi everyone,

    I'm Zola's husband and like she said I've been reading along in here. When I read this it reminded me of something I wrote after our last miscarriage.

    Quote Originally Posted by Luke's mum
    Isn't it weird how it always seems everyone around you is pregnant. Same if you buy a new car, suddenly everyone else is driving the same car - its your mindset, you get into pregnancy mode and suddenly you start seeing the people round you for more than jsut passers by - such a pity that we can't all live our lives with such open eyes all the itme.
    I'll post it here so you can see a guy's perspective on the whole thing, but from what I'm reading it seems like I'm not the only guy who feels the same way. WARNING: this is pretty long.

    Ten to fifteen percent of all clinically recognised pregnancies end in miscarriage. I know this because I've done the reading, and asked our gynaecologist so many questions that he printed out a copy of this report for me to read, in order to reassure myself that we were doing everything possible to understand and solve the problem.

    Ten to fifteen percent is a lot of miscarriages - it's more than one in ten pregnancies. The actual incidence is thought to be higher, because that statistic only counts the miscarriages that doctors know about. Some women miscarry so early that they don't even realise, while others just never bother going to see a doctor. But in the end what it all boils down to is that you almost certainly know someone who has miscarried, or have even done so yourself.

    We've spoken to family, friends and others who know what it feels like to have a miscarriage. They all told us that it's a pain which never really goes away, and that nobody else really understands what it's like. But most people who miscarry go on to have children - it's not something which dominates their life, and not something they generally choose as a topic of conversation.

    We've now had multiple consecutive failed pregnancies, the last two within six months of each other. We've had every available test performed, and all that anybody can tell us is that we don't fit into any category of known causes for miscarriage. We're able to conceive and we're both still fairly young, so we're told that the prognosis is good.

    We want children. We want it more now than either of us probably realised when we met. We want to have children with each other, we want to recombine and spread our own genes, we want to do our best to add to the population of the world people who can love, laugh, play, think for themselves and try to make the world a better place.

    But now we have to at least entertain the possibility that it's something that will never happen.

    We're a very long way from giving up, even if it's still hurting too much to think about exactly what we'll do next. But it's in my nature to explore all possible paths to their logical conclusions, and the thought we may never get to have the family we so desperately want is just terrible.

    It terrifies me to even consider it - what will it do to Louise? To me? To us? We've coped so far, and each time we've seemed to cope a little better, but then again each time it's like a little piece of us dies. We cope now because we can still hope for a future in which this is just a painful memory on the path to our family. How will we cope if that hope dies?

    I don't know if it's true for everybody else, but I often seen the world differently after a new experience. When we've bought a new car I suddenly notice all of the other identical cars on the road, and all of the variants (same model but different colour, same colour but the 3-door model).

    Right now I see every child, every parent with a baby, every pregnant woman. They stand out from the rest of the world as though they've been underlined and highlighted, a constant reminder of what I've lost. I'm so happy for every parent I see smiling, or just being a parent to their children. I'm furious every time I see someone scream at their kids in a supermarket, or smoke a cigarette while pushing a stroller.

    It's a bigger problem in some ways for Louise than it is for me, because the unfairness of it all is like an added insult. It's slightly easier for me in that I have no expectation that the world will be fair to me or anybody else - in fact past performance seems a pretty clear indicator that fairness is the last thing any of us can expect.

    This probably makes us a bit difficult to deal with at the moment. I'm so pleased for all of our friends and family who have children, but sitting next to one of my best mates as he bounces his baby boy on his knees while they both laugh at each other is pretty hard. I can't think when else I've been so happy for somebody else and yet sad for myself at the same time.

    I usually hide my sadness pretty well, in fact too well sometimes. Happiness and anger I have no trouble showing, but sadness is something I try to keep to myself. I know it's helped Louise to see me upset, to know that she's not the only one going through this, but it's not something I let my friends see on purpose.

    Louise can't manage to hold it all in though, even though she tries. Sometimes it just spills over, and lately it seems to be happening more often. People don't know what to say, or sometimes even know there's nothing they can say but don't know how else to help. I don't know what to tell them if they ask - usually "thanks, but there's really nothing you can do". I don't know how to help myself, I just do everything I can to be there for her. I know that, as bad as I feel, she must feel ten times worse. To have the added indignity of the physical process of miscarriage on top of the emotional stress, it's something I can't imagine enduring. It's nasty stuff, not something that just happens one morning and then it's over.

    Here's an image permanently burned into my brain which I wish I could forget - to have seen the sac, the products of conception, the blood and placental tissue. To understand miscarriage as a real and physical thing, not a terrible but abstract idea. We've been reassured by doctors that there was not, as yet, anything that could have been called a baby - but this time not only did I get to see a heartbeat, I saw exactly where that baby would have come from, the home it should have had for the next seven and a half months.

    I looked away, sickened - me, who has no problem seeing blood, cuts or watching surgical procedures. If one of my arms wasn't stuffed there's a pretty decent chance I'd have studied to be a surgeon, but this was a little bit too real and too personal. Louise apologised and I quickly told her not to be sorry. I'm glad I saw it, that for a brief moment I experienced what she had to go through for almost a week.

    That's why we're difficult to be around at the moment. It's not something you can discuss around the table with friends, over a couple of beers and nibbles. It's not something I can ever effectively communicate to another person, it's just something that we'll have to deal with somehow before getting on with our lives.

    For now though I'll just take it a day at a time. I have plenty to keep me busy at the moment, to distract myself from thinking about it a little bit longer until I can face the question of "what next?".

  15. #15
    Melinda Guest

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    Hey Felius,

    Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your story with us. It has really tugged at my heart strings and I am personally very grateful that you chose to share your side of the story and give us a male's perspective on these tragic events.

    I can honestly tell you that no, you are certainly not the only guy who feels this way. My DH is not the type to really open up about these kind of things - particularly to friends and family. It isn't the kind of thing that you sit down and just starting talking about as you say, and yet there he was, having to deliver the news that our first baby had died, to all our family and friends - simply hearing him on the phone over and over and over again repeating the same thing - I knew he was on autopilot and was just in a total daze. Our second baby nobody knew about except for my mother and brother, so thankfully he didn't have that burden again as it really took it's toll. I can't describe how I felt at that time - but I was so aware of the toll this was taking on DH - it was like all hope, all happiness, and even energy to simply stand were being zapped with every breath.

    M/c places an awful strain on a relationship and I too have been petrified of not only what it was doing to me personally, but what it was doing to us as a couple - I felt like a failure and like the one thing I was really meant to be doing in my life was not going to happen. DH couldn't relate to the physical aspects of what was happening, and the emotional side - well I was a total wreck and for quite a while, I couldn't leave the house because I would be seeing pregnant women, or little babies and I would burst into tears. Seeing me like this was hard on DH as he felt that he didn't know how on earth he could possibly console me - how DO you console and comfort someone when they've been through that?? He was trying so hard to be strong for me. But you're right....when DH showed me that he was upset about what was happening - it made me feel less alone. The m/c's left me with such a profound sense of loneliness - the feeling that I had a little being growing inside me and then all of a sudden it was gone? How could I cope with that? How could I cope with knowing that this had taken place inside ME? I felt disgusted with myself, I couldn't stand my own skin. But to see DH cry (even though he only did it once) was enough for me to feel comforted and less alone. He too hides his feelings very well and even though one male friend of his tried to talk to him about it, he just clammed up and couldn't bring himself to speak about it openly - it was just too hurtful.

    The physical process of m/c is devastating and painful. I have had a D&C with my first, but a natural m/c with my second and I can't possibly describe in words how I felt when I actually m/c my second baby. I won't even attempt to - you know only too well what this is like and I am truly and honestly upset that you and Zola have had such a terrible time - it breaks my heart to know that other people have experienced such terrible loss.

    Felius, I know that nothing I can say can ever remove the hurt from your lives that you are suffering right now, nor can I do anything to remove your fear of the future which is overwhelming. All I can do is to tell you that you and Zola are not alone in your struggles. My main reason for first posting my story on this site was so that if nothing else, it makes someone else feel less alone during such an awful time. If reading my story, and the others that you have found here help, then for that much, I am grateful. All of that said, I know that nothing I can say can really console you, and not knowing where to from here is frustrating to say the very least. However, what I can offer you and Zola is support and understanding, and a friendly ear whenever you need it.

    Again, thank you so much for sharing your feelings - it really helps me to also understand the way my own DH's mind is ticking!

  16. #16

    Join Date
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    There's not much more I can say here as everything that has been said is exactly how DB and I have felt.

    What I would like to say is that this thread brought tears to my eyes. But it also made me realise what a great bunch of people we have on BB.

    This thread to me is the essence of what Belly Belly is about-caring, helpful and honest. Thankyou everyone for sharing such personnel, yet truthful parts of your lives, so others know that they are not alone.

  17. #17
    Melinda Guest

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    I have to disagree a little bit with something you've said there Colleen, in relation to this specific paragraph (and I'm only speaking from personal experience so please don't be offended):

    EVERY SINGLE WOMAN WHO HAS A M/C WILL SUDDENLY SEE PREGNANT WOMEN AND BABIES EVERYWHERE - its natural, so don't fight it - don't become a recluse in your own home because of it - don't avoid friends and family because they are expecting or have new babies, revel in the glory of that new child that has been put on this earth for great things.
    For me, I simply had to be a recluse for a little while and avoid interaction with some people (friends, family and the general public). I felt such an immense pressure from the guilt that I had placed upon myself and simply could not bring myself to interact with people on a daily basis. When I tried, things went pear-shaped and I found it hampered my grieving process. There were also so many people that knew about our PG and the subsequent m/c of our first, and this worried me because I really felt that there were only a select group of people with whom I wanted to grieve with and discuss it with, and for people to continually ask questions (which a lot do, not meaning any harm IYKWIM) and look at me so sadly, I really felt that I would lose the plot altogether. Also, truthfully, it made me feel worse to see PG women because it baffled me - what had I done to deserve losing my babies?? I also got to a point where I couldn't cope with the look in the eyes of family and friends anymore, or having to deal with people ignoring the issue, so it was best for me to take some time out to collect my thoughts and to realise that other people simply don't know what to say, and whether they are expecting or already have children, it's not because they want to rub my nose in it IYKWIM, and besides, who was I to judge? Did I know the ins and outs of that ladies life walking down the road with a big grin on her face and heavily PG? After all, they could have well travelled the same path as me and I just didn't know it. I guess what I'm trying to emphasise here is that whilst long term, being a recluse and avoiding interaction with friends and families (and just the general public) because they have children or are expecting, isn't a good thing, in the short term, it may well be what you need in order to come to terms with your own life, and the life that you have lost. Sometimes people need a bit of time out from life in general to be able to put things into perspective and to be able to take a few tiny steps forward IYKWIM?? Everyone needs to do what is best for them, and for me, this was the best thing. I just wanted to share that because I really feel that it's important to not feel guilty if you do need some time out and away from things initially.

  18. #18

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    I can completely see where Tootie is coming from. That you can't make a formula for dealing with m/c. Each woman has to do what is right for them.

    I was also so scared that in trying to deal with things I was pushing DH away, and shutting my feelings away from him and I think that made things a thousand times worse for him. We're just lucky that we can communicate well to each other. The only thing that would have been worse than losing our baby was if I ended up driving him away too.

    After all of my m/c I blamed myself. It must have been something I did, or didn't do, something I ate or didn't eat, even something I thought. It has taken me so long to start to change my thinking... that maybe it wasn't something I had done or not done. And that's when the thoughts started to creep in that I must be the most horrible and undeserving person in the whole world. I must have done something absolutely terrible and that losing my baby was my punishment. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, each and every time, I was instantly extatic. I started talking to my 3 or 4 week old baby. Telling him or her how excited I was, and how much he/she was going to be loved by Mummy and Daddy. I started to picture a tiny little face with my eyes and Daddy's nose. To suddenly have all that cruely ripped away, the future of my child reduced to painful longings was excrutiating enough, without having to try to put on a brave face in front of family and friends who just didn't understand. I really needed some time on my own to figure out exactly how I was going to cope with things. I needed to get a bit past the anger and self loathing before I was ready to face the world again.

    I do not believe in God. I don't have the faith that a lot of people do, and sometimes I wish I did. It might be easier to belileve that there is a reason for these things happening, that God has a higher plan. But I just have to fight back as best I can. I've tried a lot of different things. I've tried bottling things up, but that just leads to me exploding over the tiniest things and upsetting other people, or worse, trying to hurt myself. Food got to be my best friend at one stage and all that got me was fat, so I started to feel worse because I hated the way I looked as well as everything else. I even tried getting drunk every day for weeks, but once that wore off all the pain was still there.

    I still haven't found a way to deall with things, but I just try to go on each day the best way I know how. I think that's all any of us can do

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