Christmas - how do you deal with it?

[Miss.B]

hey Susan,

I hate when sometimes people get funny when I talk about Joshua, it's like they start to dissolve at a mere mention of his name....What a shame people get so funny, I wonder how they would feel if the roles were reversed ( not that I would ever wish that upon anybody ! ).

I never feel funny talking about Joshua because like you said he is my flesh and blood and although he isn't here with me phisically, he's always in my heart and I aways carry him with me where ever I go.
It really is such a shame your family wasn't/isn't more supportive. But I'll tell you something. Sometimes people closest to you don't say anything because they're afraid how you'll react and they don't want to upset you.

When Joshua was born, my mum was ( according to her ) a bigger mess than me. Pleeeeeese. I think she forgot who actually gave birth to an angel. I know she was grieving for a grandson she never got to spoil ( her first grandson, so I do forgive here a little bit ) but after about a month she told me it would be better if I didn' t grieve for Joshua anymore because I might spiral into depression....oh how bad that would be for her if I turned around and said I didn't want to have more babies because the experience scared the hell out of me. She just wants to a have a grandchild, but she forgets that I need to grieve my little boy and remember him as much as possible as memories do fade, but I will never, ever forget him.

Anyway, I think you should talk about Brendan wherever and whenever you like and if that makes some people uncomfortable, tough. He was, he is, and he always will be your baby boy and his short but beautiful life should be honoured at every opportunity.

Wishing you well in the New Year,

love and hugs

Beata xxxxx


QUOTE=beata70;1548541]Hi Nae Nae and Susan,

Thanks for your advice, I think I'll need to do as you say as I thought I was doing OK. In the support group that I go to all the girls said that they were dreading xmas, and I thought at that time, oh I'll be OK....Well it's a lot harder than I thought but my partner Alan just loves xmas so I'll make an effort for his sake.
I think seeing the palnt bloom at your little angel Niki's memorial garden is so lovely, it's like she's saying 'Hello !'.

Susan, I'm so sorry for the loss of your son Brendan. I think it's awful when your own family avoids talking about what's happened. Like Nae Nae said sometimes people don't know what to say or are afraid to start a conversation about a baby/child that passed away, but in my case I talk about Joshua often, and it forces poeple to acknowledge him and then they don't feel so uncomfortable because I started the convesation. It's just such a shame that I always have to start it first....

All my love
Beata xx [/QUOTE]

[Miss.B]

Hi NaeNae,

I think that's beautiful that you dream of your little girl, I always ask Joshua to visit me in my dreams but I haven't had one of him yet, maybe soon.......I hope.

Al loves xmas too much not to celebrate it ( he is so xmasy but I'm not overly xmasy ) but he's got 3 grown up kids from his previous merriage so he loves to celebrate it with them. Which I can totally understand, I just don't mask my feeling as well as he does. I know he was devestated when we lost Joshua, occasionally he'll talk about him.

Oh well, here comes xmas whether we feel like celebrating or not, I know that our litle angels will be nearby.

My friend told me she got me a Joshua tree, so I'm looking forward to planting it and creating a spot for Josh. Right now I have him at home with us.

Love and hugs

Beata xxxxxxx

[NaeNae]

Hi NaeNae,

I think that's beautiful that you dream of your little girl, I always ask Joshua to visit me in my dreams but I haven't had one of him yet, maybe soon.......I hope.

Beata xxxxxxx

You know perhaps Joshua is visiting you or leaving you messages that he has been in other ways. I have found that little signs are always there and usually come about in a subtle way.
I don't ask for dreams its just what happens with me. It never happens when I ask for it though and for all my wanting to see her I never actually do I just 'know" she is there.

For Susan it seems her visits are noted with a feather being left.

[Lisa]

This is my 3rd Xmas without Noah, and every Christmas I feel down.
Every Christmas I buy Noah some type of Angel. This year I bought a glass bauble for the tree that has a glass angel inside it which is holding a heart... I am going to have Noah's name etched onto it. The bauble signifies that Noah is a part of our christmas celebrations (the bauble) he is my angel and he is holding my heart.
I buy things for Noah every christmas & birthday. My family do acknowledge how it feels for me... it is difficult, even if I have had a baby since, there is still a big part of my heart & soul that have been torn from me... and every christmas I am reminded that I should have another child here with me, destroying wrapping paper, wearing a paper hat and eating christmas goodies...but he is only here with me in my heart... and sometimes that is the hardest thing to remember.

[Miss.B]

Nae, that's just the thing. I don't feel Joshua and I can't recall any subtle signs that he's around, maybe I'm missing them ?? Sometimes I have these clear dreams that my grandma gives me a huge hug and asks me how I am and that's her way of coming through in my dreams. That's why I thought Josh would do as well.

On another note.....Wanted to ask you hun, do you think you will really consider a stich next time you're pregnant ? I read your post somewhere else and I got to know your story a bit more. I think you said the doc didn't think it was IC it was the contractions that started the whole process. The thought also occured to me, but my OB said that my cervix was tight shut at my 20 w scan. My mum spoke to her doc and she mentioned the IC but I don't know why my doc won't even consider it as sometimes things progress from nothing to something in a short space of time....???

Lisa, I'm sorry for your loss and that's how I feel too about xmas too. Our boys were both from October, and at almost the same gestation ( 20 d 6 d ). I wonder if next xmas will feel differently....mum again tried to tell me today I should move on and shouldn't dwell in the past. I hardly think I can forget about Josh, I just don't get her.

I also bought Josh a hand painted xmas ball to hang on the tree, and I'll buy him a xmas gift too. i think that's such a lovely idea. I also have a sleeping baby in angel wings with 'Baby's first Christmas' I'll hang this up too.

Love and hugs to you both

[AngelPunks]

I don't know how I'm going to handle this xmas, I would have had a 7 month old, I've also separated from my husband - so double blow.

[NaeNae]

Punkin our little ones are the same angel age, Niki would have been 7 months ON Christmas day 25th. Gosh when it rains it pours doesn't it. I am so sorry about you an d your husband separating - I don't know how I would have gone without DH during this time - Mind you we had gone pretty close to separating a few times the past months.

I will light a candle for you and ask that you are looked after during this difficult time, I just don't know what to say ....

love and hugs punkin x x x

[Miss.B]

Hey Punkin, sending you big hugs hun. I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby, it must be awful to wonder how you'd be spending it if your little one was here.

I'm also really sorry for your seperation...I'm sending you lots of cyber strenght to get you thru chrissy, don't be afraid to have a good cry, we all need it sometimes.

Love and hugs

Beata xxxx

[mummy of many]

Morning ladies,just wanted to pop in and see how everyone is?

Lisa-My DH and I would love to get a portrait tatoo of our son,but i have a fear of someone stuffing it up,how bad would that be! but i would still be game,lol. Hope your well,hun.

Baeta,Nae,Hi ya How are you both going? Hope you are both doing ok,i have to run,my Aunt has called in.

Punkin,just quickly,sending big your way too,hope you are ok. Catch you all soon.

Love to all,catch up later girls..........visitors await!!!!

[NaeNae]

Gosh Lisa I didn't even think about future Christmas'

I really like your angel bauble for the tree I have thought about finding a Christmas fairy (not an angel) as I have fairies in her garden bu haven't come across the "one" yet.
If you don't mind me asking - what do you do with Noah's angels? do you have a shelf where they are displayed?
I have thought about getting Niki a gift but when I have suggested it to others they thought it was a dumb idea/.waste of money seeing she will never see or use it.

Beata - yeah thats right. I had contractions 4 days before I went into hospital so I s'pose its like spontaneous labour once the process started there was no stopping it. As for a stitch, at this stage I am prepared to wait and see how things go - I may ask for one once I am pregnant again but the thing is once its in it weakens the cervix so if there is no problem with the cervix to begin why put it in YKWIM?? I will be monitored weekly and have ultrasounds with a specialist in these types of areas so ultimately unless I feel otherwise I will go with their recommendations - unless I feel otherwise

There are risks associated with the stitch so its got to be worth the risk.

NN x

[Miss.B]

Thanks Nae. I will also look into it and discuss with my OB at my next appointment, even though I'm not pregnant yet, I want to look into everything before I try again. I know that he'll monitor me a lot closer next time around, as a male midwife told me at the hospital I had Joshua at, that in his opinion I had a high risk pregnancy to start with because of my big fibroid.
I kept thinking afterwards that if I had a stiched up cervix maybe I would not have had the late miscarriage. But maybe now my OB will look at the whole thing differently...if I'm lucky enough to be pregnant again.

Love & Hugs

Beata xxxxx

[Lisa]

Naenae,

I have a shelf in our cabinet in which I have all of Noah's things. I put everything in there, his ashes are also in there. I can see it every single day and I love it. I also have an angel candle holder which I light candles in for Noah on special dates & occasions.
This is a link to some pics of what we've got for him - Noah's Stuff

Beata - Noah was born in Feb 2006 at 20w5d (but by my dates, and the dating scan he was 22w1d)... I had a miscarriage last October... that might be where you got the dates confused. I need to fix my signature up because it doesn't show up too well that the emoticon I have for Noah is actually an angel.
I think the baby with angels wings & the hand painted ball sound so beautiful. I am sorry that your Mum doesn't understand your need to grieve... some people find it really hard to grasp the enormity behind a loss... especially one where they figure that we "didn't really know them" or something equally as upsetting. I haven't spoken to my BIL for 3 years because we lost Noah in Feb, and in April he was telling DH & I to get over Noah... apparently people in his family were tired of us using him as an excuse (we were grieving and didn't want to go to a wedding before we'd collected Noah's ashes... we were too upset)
I thought of all people this BIL would understand a little better seeing that he had 2 children of his own... It hurt like hell. My DH will never forgive his brother for the things he said and because of that, their relationship as brothers will never be the same again.

Maybe you should let you Mum know how you're feeling and that you'll never get over losing your son, and that you'd like her to at least acknowlege where you are in your grief.

[Lisa]

Naenae,

I have a shelf in our cabinet in which I have all of Noah's things. I put everything in there, his ashes are also in there. I can see it every single day and I love it. I also have an angel candle holder which I light candles in for Noah on special dates & occasions.
This is a link to some pics of what we've got for him - Noah's Stuff

Beata - Noah was born in Feb 2006 at 20w5d (but by my dates, and the dating scan he was 22w1d)... I also had a miscarriage last October... that might be where you got the dates confused. I need to fix my signature up because it doesn't show up too well that the emoticon I have for Noah is actually an angel.
I think the baby with angels wings & the hand painted ball sound so beautiful. I am sorry that your Mum doesn't understand your need to grieve... some people find it really hard to grasp the enormity behind a loss... especially one where they figure that we "didn't really know them" or something equally as upsetting. I haven't spoken to my BIL for 3 years because we lost Noah in Feb, and in April he was telling DH & I to get over Noah... apparently people in his family were tired of us using him as an excuse (we were grieving and didn't want to go to a wedding before we'd collected Noah's ashes... we were too upset)
I thought of all people this BIL would understand a little better seeing that he had 2 children of his own... It hurt like hell. My DH will never forgive his brother for the things he said and because of that, their relationship as brothers will never be the same again.

Maybe you should let you Mum know how you're feeling and that you'll never get over losing your son, and that you'd like her to at least acknowlege where you are in your grief.