Christmas - how do you deal with it?

[Lisa]

This is my 3rd Xmas without Noah, and every Christmas I feel down.
Every Christmas I buy Noah some type of Angel. This year I bought a glass bauble for the tree that has a glass angel inside it which is holding a heart... I am going to have Noah's name etched onto it. The bauble signifies that Noah is a part of our christmas celebrations (the bauble) he is my angel and he is holding my heart.
I buy things for Noah every christmas & birthday. My family do acknowledge how it feels for me... it is difficult, even if I have had a baby since, there is still a big part of my heart & soul that have been torn from me... and every christmas I am reminded that I should have another child here with me, destroying wrapping paper, wearing a paper hat and eating christmas goodies...but he is only here with me in my heart... and sometimes that is the hardest thing to remember.

[Miss.B]

Nae, that's just the thing. I don't feel Joshua and I can't recall any subtle signs that he's around, maybe I'm missing them ?? Sometimes I have these clear dreams that my grandma gives me a huge hug and asks me how I am and that's her way of coming through in my dreams. That's why I thought Josh would do as well.

On another note.....Wanted to ask you hun, do you think you will really consider a stich next time you're pregnant ? I read your post somewhere else and I got to know your story a bit more. I think you said the doc didn't think it was IC it was the contractions that started the whole process. The thought also occured to me, but my OB said that my cervix was tight shut at my 20 w scan. My mum spoke to her doc and she mentioned the IC but I don't know why my doc won't even consider it as sometimes things progress from nothing to something in a short space of time....???

Lisa, I'm sorry for your loss and that's how I feel too about xmas too. Our boys were both from October, and at almost the same gestation ( 20 d 6 d ). I wonder if next xmas will feel differently....mum again tried to tell me today I should move on and shouldn't dwell in the past. I hardly think I can forget about Josh, I just don't get her.

I also bought Josh a hand painted xmas ball to hang on the tree, and I'll buy him a xmas gift too. i think that's such a lovely idea. I also have a sleeping baby in angel wings with 'Baby's first Christmas' I'll hang this up too.

Love and hugs to you both

[AngelPunks]

I don't know how I'm going to handle this xmas, I would have had a 7 month old, I've also separated from my husband - so double blow.

[NaeNae]

Punkin our little ones are the same angel age, Niki would have been 7 months ON Christmas day 25th. Gosh when it rains it pours doesn't it. I am so sorry about you an d your husband separating - I don't know how I would have gone without DH during this time - Mind you we had gone pretty close to separating a few times the past months.

I will light a candle for you and ask that you are looked after during this difficult time, I just don't know what to say ....

love and hugs punkin x x x

[Miss.B]

Hey Punkin, sending you big hugs hun. I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby, it must be awful to wonder how you'd be spending it if your little one was here.

I'm also really sorry for your seperation...I'm sending you lots of cyber strenght to get you thru chrissy, don't be afraid to have a good cry, we all need it sometimes.

Love and hugs

Beata xxxx

[mummy of many]

Morning ladies,just wanted to pop in and see how everyone is?

Lisa-My DH and I would love to get a portrait tatoo of our son,but i have a fear of someone stuffing it up,how bad would that be! but i would still be game,lol. Hope your well,hun.

Baeta,Nae,Hi ya How are you both going? Hope you are both doing ok,i have to run,my Aunt has called in.

Punkin,just quickly,sending big your way too,hope you are ok. Catch you all soon.

Love to all,catch up later girls..........visitors await!!!!

[NaeNae]

HI everyone,

Susan, having a better day today, had my first of many "Christmas Do's" last night for work and it was ok, I was called a scrooge once when I said I wasn't looking forward to it this year but the comment was quickly retracked when the person remembered what I have been through this year

It was nice actually a number of people were very supportive about the New year and I know there will be a lot of love and ultra sticky vibes for me and future bub when we start our journey again in the NY.

I have been gradually feeling better, not looking forward to the family visit coz mum has been really down but she is also still going through "the change" I have brought her a special little something even though we are doing "couples" presents this year I may just pop it in the post and send it to her as an early gift. Hopefully it will cheer her up.

how is everyone else?

Nae x x x

[Miss.B]

Hello ladies,

Sorry, I've been having computer trouble since yesterday and just got back on now.

Nay, I'm so glad you've overcome your next hurdle of going to a xmas do. I'm very proud of you even if you really weren't in the mood...It's always good to make an effort. Luckily our work doesn't really have one ( anymore ), so I don't have to spread the cheer half heartedly....
I hope you can cheer up your mum, it must be hard for her too. You've lost your precious little daughter, but she's also lost a granddaughter as well. Mum mum is feeling the same too, not looking forward to xmas this year and keeps wondering what it would be like if Josh was still arriving in February.....
I had to make he decorate her tree, but only ofter I made her help me decorate mine....

Susan, hope you're doing OK hun. I think a tatoo is a nice idea. Don't worry that it might not turn out OK, I'm sure that is will, and there's a lot of good tatooists around.

Hey Punkin and Lisa, sending you lots of hugs, hope you're both doning well

Just a quick update on my fibroid girls. Went yesterday to my radiologist app. and it turns out the fibroid is DEAD. Yeepee !!!!! What good news ! Apparently, the blood supply is cut off and it's begining to shrink. It's such a bittersweet feeling though. I keep thinking that having Joshua has killed my fibroid, but what a price to pay for my beautiful angel. My friend at work said that maybe that was his purpose, to kill the fibroid so it's dealt with and maybe he'll come back to me again....another time.
My OB still wants to cut it out ( only when it shrinks a bit ) so hopefully in a few months I can do my frozen blast transfer. No drugs this time, yey !!!!!

Wishing you all good spirits and sending you lots and lots of love and hugs

Love
Beata xxxxxx

[NaeNae]

Forgot to mention - Tattoos are a great way to remember your little ones. I am in the process (actually have one just have to get it done) of getting an little butterfly on the back of my neck with some scroll work and get Niki's name put underneath.

I already have 5 so another isn't an issue its just actually getting into the shop to get it done

[NaeNae]

Gosh Lisa I didn't even think about future Christmas'

I really like your angel bauble for the tree I have thought about finding a Christmas fairy (not an angel) as I have fairies in her garden bu haven't come across the "one" yet.
If you don't mind me asking - what do you do with Noah's angels? do you have a shelf where they are displayed?
I have thought about getting Niki a gift but when I have suggested it to others they thought it was a dumb idea/.waste of money seeing she will never see or use it.

Beata - yeah thats right. I had contractions 4 days before I went into hospital so I s'pose its like spontaneous labour once the process started there was no stopping it. As for a stitch, at this stage I am prepared to wait and see how things go - I may ask for one once I am pregnant again but the thing is once its in it weakens the cervix so if there is no problem with the cervix to begin why put it in YKWIM?? I will be monitored weekly and have ultrasounds with a specialist in these types of areas so ultimately unless I feel otherwise I will go with their recommendations - unless I feel otherwise

There are risks associated with the stitch so its got to be worth the risk.

NN x

[Miss.B]

Thanks Nae. I will also look into it and discuss with my OB at my next appointment, even though I'm not pregnant yet, I want to look into everything before I try again. I know that he'll monitor me a lot closer next time around, as a male midwife told me at the hospital I had Joshua at, that in his opinion I had a high risk pregnancy to start with because of my big fibroid.
I kept thinking afterwards that if I had a stiched up cervix maybe I would not have had the late miscarriage. But maybe now my OB will look at the whole thing differently...if I'm lucky enough to be pregnant again.

Love & Hugs

Beata xxxxx

[Lisa]

Naenae,

I have a shelf in our cabinet in which I have all of Noah's things. I put everything in there, his ashes are also in there. I can see it every single day and I love it. I also have an angel candle holder which I light candles in for Noah on special dates & occasions.
This is a link to some pics of what we've got for him - Noah's Stuff

Beata - Noah was born in Feb 2006 at 20w5d (but by my dates, and the dating scan he was 22w1d)... I had a miscarriage last October... that might be where you got the dates confused. I need to fix my signature up because it doesn't show up too well that the emoticon I have for Noah is actually an angel.
I think the baby with angels wings & the hand painted ball sound so beautiful. I am sorry that your Mum doesn't understand your need to grieve... some people find it really hard to grasp the enormity behind a loss... especially one where they figure that we "didn't really know them" or something equally as upsetting. I haven't spoken to my BIL for 3 years because we lost Noah in Feb, and in April he was telling DH & I to get over Noah... apparently people in his family were tired of us using him as an excuse (we were grieving and didn't want to go to a wedding before we'd collected Noah's ashes... we were too upset)
I thought of all people this BIL would understand a little better seeing that he had 2 children of his own... It hurt like hell. My DH will never forgive his brother for the things he said and because of that, their relationship as brothers will never be the same again.

Maybe you should let you Mum know how you're feeling and that you'll never get over losing your son, and that you'd like her to at least acknowlege where you are in your grief.

[Lisa]

Naenae,

I have a shelf in our cabinet in which I have all of Noah's things. I put everything in there, his ashes are also in there. I can see it every single day and I love it. I also have an angel candle holder which I light candles in for Noah on special dates & occasions.
This is a link to some pics of what we've got for him - Noah's Stuff

Beata - Noah was born in Feb 2006 at 20w5d (but by my dates, and the dating scan he was 22w1d)... I also had a miscarriage last October... that might be where you got the dates confused. I need to fix my signature up because it doesn't show up too well that the emoticon I have for Noah is actually an angel.
I think the baby with angels wings & the hand painted ball sound so beautiful. I am sorry that your Mum doesn't understand your need to grieve... some people find it really hard to grasp the enormity behind a loss... especially one where they figure that we "didn't really know them" or something equally as upsetting. I haven't spoken to my BIL for 3 years because we lost Noah in Feb, and in April he was telling DH & I to get over Noah... apparently people in his family were tired of us using him as an excuse (we were grieving and didn't want to go to a wedding before we'd collected Noah's ashes... we were too upset)
I thought of all people this BIL would understand a little better seeing that he had 2 children of his own... It hurt like hell. My DH will never forgive his brother for the things he said and because of that, their relationship as brothers will never be the same again.

Maybe you should let you Mum know how you're feeling and that you'll never get over losing your son, and that you'd like her to at least acknowlege where you are in your grief.

[Janie]

Nae, I'm sorry if I'm intruding in your thread............but I just wanted to say that if you want to buy Nikita a present, then do so. Don't worry about what others think, she's your daughter, you do what feels right to you.

[Miss.B]

Hi Lisa,

I'm so sorry I got my dates wrong in my post . I'm sorry that you and your DH fell out with your BIL, when it's your family it really hurts. My mum means well most of the time, but she really surprised me this time. I've always been honest about my loss to my mum, but she just thinks I should get over it and move on. I had a conversation with her today and she said that losing a baby half way through a pregnancy and losing an older baby is different. I beg to differ. She was basically telling me that my loss shouldn't be that big, because he wasn't even full term. I told her, how would you know mum, have YOU ever lost a baby ? It makes me so mad sometimes.
I've already told her I'll never get over my loss, and why should I, and now she thinks I'm heading for depression

Anyway, lets hope she begins to understand soon, as my patience is running out with her.

Love and hugs

Beata xxxx

[Lisa]

Oh gee Beata... It's only been 2 months for you hun... I doubt you're heading for depression but you are most definitely still grieving.

2 months after losing Noah I would still cry every other day at least. Something would happen, or I would remember something or smell the perfume I wore when I was pregnant and I would cry. 3 months after losing Noah I found out that I was pregnant with Harrison... I still had many, many sad days. Everyone grieves differently and for different times.
I printed out a poem I found and sent it to many people who were worried about me after I lost Noah... this is the poem;

Please Be Gentle
By Jill B. Englar

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream
and repeatedly ask 'why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,
so great is my loss.
Please don't turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It's how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?