Couple of questions, mostly a rambly vent.

[Catastrophic]

Lots and lots of hugs xoxox

I'm so sorry this is happening. Xox

[MummyNaomi]

A hug from me too xxx

[Calluna]

ForShelby- MIL lives upstairs and can't find out. We aren't "allowed" to be TTC do when we get our live baby we have to be able to tell her it's an "accident".
Which also means we can't tell any other family in case it gets back to her.

I have recieved so much love and support over the last week from so many people on BB. I feel so lucky to have this community to lean on. I don't know what I'd do without you. Thank you just is not enough.

I'm so sore today. I definately overdid it yesterday. My back aches, achy and sharp muscular pains in my abdomen, generally tired and sore everywhere and my blood test site from Tuesday is still sore! Today is going to be a day of nothing but DVDs and lying on the sofa.
*TMI* is it normal to have a sure vulva and cervix? It feels bruised but I haven't done anything to it to cause it. It's not really bad, just there all the time.

[Miss.September]

Calluna, many hugs honey. It does get easier with time.

I had a missed m/c at 9weeks, DD1, m/c at 6weeks, chem and then DD2. It's hard to put yourself on that TTC rollercoaster once you've lost one.

Do whatever you need to do. Cry, talk, laugh. I laughed at myself, at my stupid body letting me down. My family deals with most bad things with humour (which is strange to a lot of people). But I cried a lot too. And sometimes it was just overwhelming at the weirdest times. Didn't know what was going to set me off. The first one was tough because I had a D&C on Friday and went back to work on Monday. Into a children's bookshop full of babies and kids coming in. Second one was harder though because I didn't think it would happen again. Naive.

I think your DP is acting like he's trying to keep your mind off things. Keeping you busy. DH acted tough at the time but he cried in private so I wouldn't see and it wasn't until months later when he fell apart with it all and told me he was struggling.

I found the miscarriage and loss thread to be incredibly supportive while I went through it, beautiful members of this community sending out wide arms while completely understanding what I was going through. Keep talking through it

[Peace]

As for the bruised feeling - I found my cervix and 'insides' quite achey for about a week.

[Sunny Love]

That swollem, bruised & sore feeling could be your hormones changing to cope with the loss. Hugs xx

[Miss.B]

I'm so sorry that you've lost your little one Calluna, my heart breaks for you hun . I was so excited for you when you got your BFP, it's just not fair. I hope that you start to feel better soon physically, emotionally, that will take some time. Sending you many hugs darling and I hope you and your DP start to rebuild your lives slowly. Men deal with pg loss differently, I'm not defending him, maybe he's not dealing with it b/c he doesn't know how to? Big hugs again xoxox

[Calluna]

PRMG - thank you. I am scared to try again. I want the bleeding to stop so we can. But I dont want it to stop because its so final.
He's never been one to hide his emotions from me. Hes making it hard to talk to him by not seeming to care. He says he thinks its a good thing it happened early rather than later and it was for a reason. He is behaving completely normally. I dont know. Maybe he is just trying to protect me. It would make me feel better if he was, at least it would feel like he cared then.

I will have a look for the thread.


It is getting easier. Or I think it is. Either that or Im just not allowing myself to feel. I only cried once this morning and didnt think to much about it after that. I feel horrible that after 4 days its not all consuming anymore. I want it to consume me. At least then it was like a connection still existed. Everytime I laugh I feel guilty that I forgot for a second. I cant focus on anything other than loss stuff for more than a few minutes at a time but I have run out of things to read. I was looking for a song but nothing fits. Found a couple of poems I like, but nothing new after reading for hours. Cant find any blogs I identify with and I dont have the patience to look.
Reading that back, I sound obsessed, Im not, just trying to make sense of it I guess.

I feel like I am watching in my life like a movie I cant turn off. The person I was last week seems so far away. Like such a child. The world feels bigger, emptier, lonelier, all at once. Instead of just hearing the world around me everything sounds amplified, like Im listening to it through headphones. It fills my head.
Im bored, but dont know what to do with myself. I want to sleep but I have to take care of DS. The house is ferral but Im glued to the sofa.

Im not doing this Mummy thing very well right now. Way too much yelling happened here today. And I cant do much more than sit around and provide the basics like food, so he's bored too.

Im not cramping much during the day now. Still a little achy and get the odd sharp stab but mostly nothing. Until 4pm ish, then I am aching, sore, crampy and bleeding heavily. Whats with that? Could it be stress setting it off? I think my BP rises a little when it comes to going upstairs and making dinner and therefore deal with MIL and occupy DS and keep him out of trouble. Which then makes me wonder if stress caused me to miscarry. Trying not to blame myself.

[Calluna]

I havent felt much all day. My subconscious forcing me to make it through. Provide DS with his basic needs. Now its hit me. Like a huge crushing weight and it hurts. Oh God it hurts. How do I breathe through this? I cant breathe.

[forshelby]

It's such a rollercoaster hun. You will feel okay one minute, and then crumble the next. That's normal and okay. In fact whatever it is you're feeling is normal and okay. Nobody can tell you how you should or shouldn't feel. Recovery is different for everyone.

As for your DH, sometimes men just don't 'get' it. When I had my first mc, DP just didn't care. He wasn't ready for a surprise pg, and was just completely detached. He felt bad that I felt bad for a while, but then just got over it and wanted me to pretend nothing happened. That, for me was the hardest part. Feeling alone in my grief. This was before I found BB. Fast forward a couple of years and one night we were talking about it, and I told him exactly what it was like for me to hold what was supposed to be our baby in the palm of my hand alone, sitting on the bathroom floor. He cried. I think that's when he kind of understood.

The latter losses, were a lot earlier, but his reaction was less harsh. I distinctly remember him saying: "I don't know whether to feel sad, or relieved." (we weren't in a good financial position). And for once we agreed. I suppose what I'm getting at is that having never experienced a loss like this before, he probably doesn't know how to feel or what to say. And I guess just like you are entitled to your natural reactions, so is he. It sure does hurt though when they seem so detached from it all. That really does hurt.

That's why it's important that if you need to talk, you talk to us here. There's nothing worse than being alone through a loss. Take it one step at a time hun.

[Calluna]

I should be 4w6d not CD6
Pretty much stopped bleeding just a tiny bit of spotting now. (Eta- just after I posted this went to the loo and had a heap of brown blood. Body likes to make a liar out of me every chance it gets. Is it wierd that I was a little relieved?) Havent had any cramps today. Still super tired but I think that will hang around for a while. I keep falling asleep playing with DS.
In a way I dont want to stop bleeding. It means it is all over. I want the physical pain back too, the physical pain was validating the emotional.
Now I am struggling to cry when I need to cry. I cant let go. Ive been looking for songs/poems online that give me that release but once Ive heard/read them a few times they dont affect me anymore. I used to (as a teen) write my own but nothing is coming to me so I cant even get it out that way. I want to cry, really cry, not just tears but full body sobs, like I did the first few days. I can feel it right there under the surface but Im repressing it even though I dont want to.

Im scared to get back to TTC. I want so badly to be pregnant again but what if I lose another one?

I really think now that DF simply doesnt care. He has hardly spoken to me all week and hasnt hugged me for nearly 3 days so I asked him if he was upset with me and he said hes not, hes just waiting for me to get over this. I dont know how to get it through to him. I know I should talk to him but its hard. How do I bring it up? Especially when I havent said it out loud yet. Hes working late tonight so earliest would be at bedtime tonight (why is it easier to talk in the dark?).
I understand that he will feel differently, but a bit of empathy and understanding would be nice. He can see Im upset but doesnt hold me at night. I dont understand how he can just pretend like everything is fine. Like I am fine.

[myturn]

With such an early loss I wonder if DH us just feeling like it is snothe months AF. He didn't really have the time to 'connect' to it being a baby. Keep looking after yourself as best you can, and tell him you need a hug and can you just fit on the couch together watching a movie or something. He is still young too and it's hard for guys to know what to do anyway. He can't read your mind so will probably need some help to know how to be there for you. Sometimes I just needed to cry and cry and cry. DH just came up to me and held me. If was what I needed cause there is nothing anyone can say. It just sucks and it's not fair. All your feelings are normal.

Look after yourself as much as you can sweet pea. Xox

[forshelby]

Ahh, the double life. The one full of the 'should have beens' and 'would have beens' and missed milestones. I never found a way of avoiding that stuff, it's a difficult thing to go through. I find the more I tried to avoid thinking about it, the more I'd think about it ITMS. Try to go with the flow of your grief hun. Be gentle with yourself.

Definitely talk to him in the dark. I don't know why but it really is easier. And ask him to hold you. It's not ideal but sometimes you just have to be blunt and ask for what you need. eg: "I'm so sad about our loss. I need you to hold me."

I don't have any answers regarding his aloof seeming behaviour. Like I said, maybe he's feeling a bit confused by it all. At that early stage, to a man, it's not tangible. The baby isn't inside their body, and they don't feel the physical effects of pg and then loss. It's okay to feel differently about it, the important thing is that you can still find support by asking for what you need, and telling him you need time to overcome your sadness. That you won't just 'get over it' and will never just 'get over it'.

I hope my ramblings are bringing some kind of comfort. I wish I could do something but I know there's nothing. Actually, there is one small thing. I think I have something which you might like to have. Just a little momento to have and to hold, if you want it, PM me.

[Calluna]

Ive never been good at asking for help, maybe this is the kick in the pants I need to learn.
I get that he is probably (definately) seeing it differently to me, thats fine, I totally get it. What I dont understand is how he can see me in so much pain and just dismiss it, treat me like Im being lazy and selfish and like I should just move on. Im sure he doesnt mean it but hes being an ass right when I need him to support me.

And the 'last time I was/we were here/ doing this I was pregnant' going places and doing things that I havent done since, that sucks.

Thats the other thing, because he doesnt seem to care, I keep thinking 'our loss' but then thinking, 'well my loss really, he doesnt seem to feel hes lost anything'.

I dont know what I wouod do without being able to vent here and have someone listen and understand. Nothing I could say will ever be thanks enough.

[forshelby]

Oh honey I could've written your post word for word a few years ago. I unfortunately have been there, done that and got the T-shirt.

I forgot in my previous post to address your concerns about TTC again. Given that my first pg ever was lost to mc, and was a surprise pg at that... I've never had the innocence of TTC without fear. Any time I've been trying, I've been afraid of loss. So I'll ask you what I've asked myself each time we decided to try again. "Will the pain of another loss outweigh the pain of never being pg again, and never having another baby?" Each time, for me, the answer was no. I didn't want to look back in 10-20 years time and think damn, I wish I tried one more time, I might've had another son/daughter. The fear is always there, but for me, the fear of denying us the chance at another child is worse.

So ask yourself some questions, about how you might feel in 20 years time, about which would hurt more - more losses, or the loss of any potential children ever? That's not to say you have to be ready right away, (or ever again at all if that is what you decide) but it might help put things into perspective and ease some of your anxiety about TTC again. A wise woman once said to me that no amount of fear or worry or anxiety can change the outcome anyway, so we might as well just cross our fingers and hope for the best. (totally easier said than done, but wise words nonetheless!)

And there's no need to offer any thanks to those of us who are here listening. It's like being a member of a club nobody wants to join. Once you're in, you're in forever and when someone is newly... here............... you just want to wrap your arms around them and say "I know."

Keep talking, keep venting.

[Calluna]

(Your inbox is full ForShelby. I cant reply. )

I would definately regret not having more children.

It's like being a member of a club nobody wants to join. Once you're in, you're in forever and when someone is newly... here............... you just want to wrap your arms around them and say "I know."*

thats lovely, awful, but lovely.

Weve just had a massive blackout, the entire suburb looks like its out, and my tablets almost flat so If I dont get that message to you tonight Ill send it tomorrow.

[forshelby]

Inbox is clear.

It really is awful and lovely all at once. I remember when I first found BB, and started talking about my loss (2 years after the fact), it was such a sad relief to know that although I'd felt alone, I was far from it. There are so many of us who have experienced babyloss in some form. I've met some of my best and most trusted friends as a result of our angel babies. Bitter-sweet.

[Calluna]

Had a chat to DF before he got up for work this morning. Asked him how he would feel if DS died. (Not the same, I know, but trying to get him into a similar headspace) His response "I'd be upset but thats life" I told him that this baby wasn't just a line on a test or cells in my body, it was hopes, dream and love. It was my baby even though it was only a few weeks I love it as much as I love DS but I will never get to hold it, I'll never know if it was a boy or a girl, the color of its eyes, hair, if it would look like me or him. That I dont expect him to feel the same as I do, I know its different for him but I wanted him to know how it feels for me and why I am so upset.
I dont know if he got it but at least I feel like Ive got it out in the open, I feel like I can talk about it with him now.