Im new to this part of the forums, I hope this is the right place for this...

How long should I expect to bleed for after a loss at 4 weeks?

I want it to be over I want the physical pain to go. But I dont want it to be over, because once its over, its "over".
That sounds so stupid but you must know what I mean? Someone must know what I mean...
Its only when I wipe now, still a fair bit but not dripping. Will it fluctuate or is that it? I need to know what to expect. How long will I be sore and achy for?
I googled it but honestly, I just dont have the energy to read through a heap of posts and articles. I need someone to just tell me.

Did me having shingles cause this?
Did overhearing my MIL ***** about me, stress me out enough to cause this?
Is it because I didnt take my prenatal vitamins properly while TTC?
Did I do too much heavy lifting and physical stuff?
I know I'll never know. I know it's probably not my fault. But how can I not blame myself?
It was my job to protect it and I failed.

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Im shattered. I wanted it so much. I was so happy to be feeling so sick and weeing every hour and a half, and having to eat to keep the nausea at bay and thirsty and tired and feeling generally crappy.
How can something, someone, so wanted, so loved already just die?

Up until midday today I was still feeling nauseas, except I knew it was just the left over hormones. And it was upsetting me because it was just a reminder of what I no longer had. I complained to DF that I liked feeling crappy before, because of what it meant, but now then... it means nothing. Now its gone I want it back.
And my boobs, that hadnt hurt much at all, are more tender now than they were before. Is that normal?
What the hell Mother Nature?! Thanks for that kick in the guts.

I want it all back.
I want my baby back.


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I threw a tantrum at DF today, seriously, like a three year old. He just doesnt get it. Seems to think I should just continue with my daily life like nothing happened.
He made me come to the gym (entertaining a 3 year old stuck in his pram for 45 mins with nothing even remotely interesting to do, thats fun) and walk around the shops looking at crap I have no interest in right now because I needed to get a blood test and "well hey, while were here..." I didnt have it in me to argue. I just did it. Because I wanted that test Supposed to confirming pregnancy, not confirming loss
His other suggestion was to get the bus, with said 3 year old. Yeah, right. Did I mention the bleeding and the cramping to you DF?
Than we get home and he wants me to make lunch for us all! Apparently that was fair because he was going to do the dishes and wash some clothes "for me". I lost it at him. Something along the lines of -
"I dont care about the housework!! I. AM. BLEEDING. Losing a few tablespoons of blood. IT. HURTS. Not to mention the emotional pain of LOSING MY BABY!!!"
And stormed off to bawl my eyes out in the bedroom. Then DS burst into tears and chased me in thinking I was talking about him because I call him "Baby" all the time. S***. I forgot he was standing there. I was too upset to notice. And he was hysterical. My poor little guy thought I was going to lose him.

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So I've ****ed off my fiance, terrified my son who now thinks I might abandon him and I let my baby die then wished away what was left of the only proof of its existence. Awesome.

Oh and I wish all these bloody ads for Elevit would just f*** the hell off.

Just had to get that out of my head before I go to bed.
How do you deal with all this without losing your mind?