Lost my baby at 12 weeks

[cheekymonkey]

I am struggling to process everything so i guess I'll just start from the beginning.

I thought I was "safe" I had such strong pregnancy symptoms, I even had a belly. I started spotting, I still thought I was ok, how could I not be I "felt" pregnant.

Turns out my body was tricking me. I had a blighted ovum. My body was putting all its energy into growing an empty sac - no baby.

My miscarriage was not straighforward so may be TMI for some but here goes.

I had been at the hosptail since 11am it was now 5ish and I was waiting for my 3rd internal ultrasound to confirm the loss of my baby.

After that was done, I started bleeding. A LOT. I was sitting in the hallway waiting for an ob/gyne to sign off on me so I could go home to my little boy. We were sitting with another couple who had just had an early loss and it was nice to connect with them. I had to keep shuffling to the toilet and every time I sat down the blood and clots poured out of me like a tap.

An emergency Dr called me into a little room and asked me how I was and I told him I was bleeding heavily. Next thing I knew I was whisked off to a bed in emergency, gowned up and had a drip in. What was happening, I was meant to be going home to miscarry in peace.

I asked my husband to go and give my number to the girl we met, just wanted her to know I was around if she needed anything.

I was bleeding sooooo much, It was soooo degrading, I was hooked up to so much equipment that I couldn't even change my own "nappies" which I what I was wearing by that stage.

My husband went home to get me a few things. While he was gone I started passing out, god I was scared.

Then the unthinkable happened. I heard a woman being wheeled into emergency, she was breathing funny. I wondered what was wrong with her, and I listened. I listened and I realised she was giving birth, right there in the bed across from me. I listened while she pushed out a screaming baby and was congratulated by all around her.

All I could think was "wow, I must be such an awful mother to be punished like this" It was like I was in hell.

Then my husband returned to my sobbing that I just heard a baby being born, then I passed out again and I almost welcolmed the blackness......

I finally had a D & C at around midnight and things settled down then.

I am feeling kind of philisopical about the loss, but I can't help wondering if the trauma of my hospital experience had left me unable to process my feelings. I feel so cheated that my body tricked me into feeling pregnant for 12 whole weeks - that is not fair. I feel cheated out of the beautiful homebirth that I was planning and I feel sad that my little boy keeps coming up to me and pointing to my belly and saying "bubby in there" I just keep repeating "No sweetheart, bubby was sick and bubby's gone now, no more bubby".