lost my little daughter...

[SHELL 70]

Hi Karin, I am so sorry to hear your sad story. Having a baby is meant to be the most happiest time in our lives but it doesn't always turn out that way! Beautiful bubba "Kathleen" will be in your heart forever & you will cherish the cuddles and precious time spent together. I wish you love & peace as you face every new day. Just remember you are not alone although at the moment you feel like you are.. There are many women here for you to chat to any time of day. We all feel and share your pain & heartache!!
Take care & big hugs to you & your family xoxo

[Visitor9]

I'm also another neighbour down this way.
Roosa,
5 years ago I gave birth to my first baby she was born at 17 weeks and then to fall pregnant shortly after I lost my second at 20 weeks. It was a hard time in my life and can only imagine what you are going through at the moment. Big hugs I too am always around for a chat.

Bec

[roosa]

I too have a 2year old & even though I have been told I have an extremely slim chance of having another child, it doesn't lighten the sadness even though yes I do already have a child that is the absolute joy of my life.
I am now 42 & am still trying for the dream of a second child, more so a sibiling for my beautiful daughter who so deserves this.
You can make that dream happen. I wish you every happiness & hope that you find some comfort in those that DO understand your loss of your sweet baby whom you will carry in your heart forever in your days.

Thank you for your encouragement. I will keep dreaming and working on my large family. I am sorry that your second child has turned out to be a difficult journey but I truly hope your dream will come through. It is not too late. How long have you been trying for your second child? We tried for quite a while before I fell pregnant with Kathleen and I struggled a lot with trying month after month. I don't wish that upon anyone, let alone of course loosing that dream child. Best wishes to you!

[roosa]

Dear Karin,
So sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter. Let yourself grieve, BB is such a fantastic site, we really know what you are going through.
We are neighbours, I'm from Geelong, if you would like to chat send me an e-mail at dianne@ncable.net.au I would love to hear from you.
Take care,
Dianne

Dianne, nice to meet you my neighbour. I am so sorry for your losses as well. Did you get any grief help from any of the organisations in Geelong? A few people have encouraged me to do so, but I just don't know. I do have lots of good friends to talk to as well as now having found this site. I am letting myself grieve and I cry when I want to so I believe I am going through it all in a healthy way. Just wondering what you did though...

Thanks again.
Karin

[roosa]

What i had done, when i had the strength, was make a special box for all the beautiful things i had bought Izzy before she was born. I had also kept the pregnancy tests, my wristband from the hospital, her clothes, photo albums that my mum had engraved and i scrapbooked all her ultrasound pics and birth pics with beautiful borders and words from the heart. My DP and i also bought a necklace with the letter 'I' hanging from it so it's always close to my heart.
We had also had a ceremony for her at our hospital where we got to light a 'special' candle for her and we spread her ashes next month in a beautiful baby garden that they have near their chapel there.
All of these things have definately helped me grieve and move on, although i will never forget. I know u feel like u have been dealt with the worst possible card, and you can only ask 'why' and yearn for ur little girl, but just remember, u can always talk to her and know that she will always love u and remember that special moment when she was laying in your arms, feeling ur heart beat against hers.
I don't have any answers, but just take the time u need. Cry whenever u want to cry, scream, yell and do anything that helps. Get a teddy bear that reminds u of her and cuddle it every chance u get. U are not alone, she is with u every second of the day, u just can't see her all the time but she will visit u in ur dreams when the time is right. Just trust in the bigger picture and the pain will eventually ease.
I hope i have helped a little bit. I am always here if u ever need to chat. Say whatever u are feeling, no one is judgemental here.
Take special care xoxoxo

Thanks so much for your encouragement. We feel very blessed that we got to hold our little girl and that her heart was beating for 90 min. The fact that she was born alive also meant that we had to have a burial for which I am thankful for. It was a very beautiful funeral and although she was only in this world for 90 min she has impacted it in a very powerful way. I have many things that will remind me of her besides that. Some of it I still find hard to look at or hold, but I know that someday I will truly treasure it. We have pictures of her and us while she was still with us which I will scrapbook one day. I have her little blanket that she was wrapped it. The hospital gave us a treasure box where I store some of her things. Although it is a very painful time I have much to be thankful for, particularly the time we had with our precious Kathleen.

Thanks again and take care.
Karin

[roosa]

Thanks everyone for your encouragement, kind words and warm welcome. I feel like I have come to the right place. Do you all mostly use the forums to communicate or are the chatrooms also used from time to time. They seem pretty empty to me...

I can't believe all the emotions that come with the experience of loosing a child. The last couple of days I have just felt angry. Not angry at anyone in particular, just angry. I feel robbed of a beautiful perfect little girl. It is so hard to be around other kids - except our son Kaleb who is our joy and definitely helps us through this time. He makes it easier, but not easy...

Thanks again everyone. I am so sorry for all of you who have gone through a loss as well. It is hard to comprehend the pain unless you have gone through it yourself, and my heart goes out to all of you.

Karin

[jen805]

roosa--The range of emotions fluctuate up and down like a bad yo-yo diet--it's completely natural for you to feel angry. I still have days where I feel angry (and it's been over 1 mo. since my m/c), other days I'm just so sad! While some days my kids help me to feel better, other days I just find it so hard to deal with them b'cuz I feel consumed with my own grief. Just wanted you to know that it will get easier, but it will take time, and some days will be harder than others. Remember that we all can comprehend and can sympathize because we've all felt that same way! We're here any time you need support! Be good to yourself!

[Mollygirl]

Feeling for you - I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

[Visitor9]

Karin,
I just noticed that your little boy and my girl have the same birthday a year apart. I can imagine how special he is. When I lost my girls the hospital in Glg was less than what I could say was emotionally supportive. I'm glad you have nicer memories of spending time with Kathleen.
Bec

[roosa]

Karin,
I just noticed that your little boy and my girl have the same birthday a year apart. I can imagine how special he is. When I lost my girls the hospital in Glg was less than what I could say was emotionally supportive. I'm glad you have nicer memories of spending time with Kathleen.
Bec

I am sorry you had a bad experience with Geelong hospital and probably didn't get the memories you ought to have had. I found the midwifes absolutely amazing, but the doctors... well, they can seem pretty heartless. Right now I just don't like and trust doctors at all. I wish I did... I am sure there are some good ones out there. But anyway, the midwifes were so encouraging. I was really scared to see my little girl after birth, I just didn't know what to expect, what she would look like, but the midwife really encouraged me to hold her. I probably would have anyway, but I am glad she encouraged me. I would have regretted it for the rest of my life if I hadn't. I feel embarrased even mentioning it now that I hesitated to hold her, but that is the truth... The midwife also took pictures of us and Kathleen while she was still alive, and got her hands- and footprints. We really did have the perfect midwife for which I am so thankful.

Take care.
Karin

[SHELL 70]

Hi Karin, just thinking of you & wandering how you are feeling. Life seems to go back to normal for everybody else but will it ever be normal for us?????????
I think that it is so special you had a lovely midwife who helped you & encouraged you to spend time with Kathleen. I remember saying to my DH when our little angel had died in utero that we probably wouldn't want to see our baby incase she was blue or didn't look like she was meant to but I was wrong. We spent 36 hours with our STILLBORN bubba but I wouldn't change it for a second. Although Carly was lifeless, she was still our beautiful baby and I treasure the time spent & we made the most of every second we shared. I too have photos & foot/hand prints which are so special... our memories are all we have so I'm pleased you have these also. I promise these will help you in the days, months & years to follow.
Please take care & know we are all thinking of you. Big hugs to you.
Shell xo

[~Belinda~]

Karin, my heart goes out to you at this time. Words cannot describe how much I feel for you right now. Hugs to you

[roosa]

Hi Karin, just thinking of you & wandering how you are feeling. Life seems to go back to normal for everybody else but will it ever be normal for us?????????
I think that it is so special you had a lovely midwife who helped you & encouraged you to spend time with Kathleen. I remember saying to my DH when our little angel had died in utero that we probably wouldn't want to see our baby incase she was blue or didn't look like she was meant to but I was wrong. We spent 36 hours with our STILLBORN bubba but I wouldn't change it for a second. Although Carly was lifeless, she was still our beautiful baby and I treasure the time spent & we made the most of every second we shared. I too have photos & foot/hand prints which are so special... our memories are all we have so I'm pleased you have these also. I promise these will help you in the days, months & years to follow.
Please take care & know we are all thinking of you. Big hugs to you.
Shell xo

Up and down and a little bit forward... That probably describes my life right now. Today I am editing the video that was taken at the funeral on April 3rd. I am not really watching it, just editing it, if that makes any sense. Video editing is what I do as a freelancer and so I want to do this and also send it to the families overseas, but I am not really ready to actually watch it.
You are absolutely right. Life seems to go back to normal. People start to forget what has happened to you when the reality is that the pain will never completely go away, I know that. There will always be things that remind me of what we have lost and what could have been.
I am so glad you too got to spend time with your beautiful Carly and that you have some beautiful memories to cherish. Was she your first?

Karin

[SHELL 70]

Hi Karin, thanks for your reply. What a brave thing you are doing with the video of Kathleen's srvice. As hard as it is now I promise that one day you will be glad you have it & I think that is lovely for your family to have a copy.
Yes Carly was our first and it feels like only yesterday but it's nearly 9 years...
Life does go on but it is still tough, some days worse than others. Only this year have I been able to put together a scrapbook album of Carly & I am so happy that I have a few photos etc. My memories of our time spent is deep in my heart and I will treasure them forever as you too will of your time with Kathleen.
Please take care & take each day at a time. I'm thinking of you..............
Big hugs Shell xo

[roosa]

How long does grief normally take? Not that anyone has said anything but I feel as though the world expect me to be over my loss by now, 18 days later. But I am so sad. I feel as though this will take a long, long time. Maybe I am putting a 'curse' upon myself but I feel as though some of the healing won't start until I have another baby. Is that wrong or weird thinking?

Karin

[jen805]

roosa--You're thinking isn't wrong or weird--I, too, feel like I won't even begin to be happy again until, not only I know I'm pg again, but I'm past the 1st trimester! I think it's a completely normal way to feel after something like this happens. It's personal for each woman how long she waits to ttc, but in my case I wanted to start ttc right away. Not to replace the baby that I lost, but I couldn't (and still can't) stand the idea of not being pg anymore. I miss it to the point where it drives me crazy sometimes. But some days are better than others, your grief will fluctuate daily--or hourly in my case! It's been 39 days for me, and I'm not even close to being over it. It's not a curse, it's a natural reaction for a person to have after suffering such a great loss. We'll get through this, I promise--we all will! God bless you, I wish you peace....

[roosa]

roosa--You're thinking isn't wrong or weird--I, too, feel like I won't even begin to be happy again until, not only I know I'm pg again, but I'm past the 1st trimester! I think it's a completely normal way to feel after something like this happens. It's personal for each woman how long she waits to ttc, but in my case I wanted to start ttc right away. Not to replace the baby that I lost, but I couldn't (and still can't) stand the idea of not being pg anymore. I miss it to the point where it drives me crazy sometimes. But some days are better than others, your grief will fluctuate daily--or hourly in my case! It's been 39 days for me, and I'm not even close to being over it. It's not a curse, it's a natural reaction for a person to have after suffering such a great loss. We'll get through this, I promise--we all will! God bless you, I wish you peace....

Thanks so much for your post! It is nice to feel a bit more normal, knowing I am not the only one going through these feelings and thoughts. I loved being pregnant and I miss it so much and I miss looking forward to actually giving birth and holding that little precious baby in my hands (but not at 19 weeks). I have better days and then I have worse days. It seems that the reality of what has happened it hitting me harder lately. It also seems to get harder to actually be around other people cause they ask me how I am doing and I can hear on their tone of voice that they are expecting I will say better when really I am feeling worse. What do you do? I can't quite handle how some people look at me when I tell them the truth about how I am feeling. Do you just start lying? I know I will get through this, but I also know it will take a long time and that I will never fully loose the pain. Is that impossible for outsiders to accept? Gosh, I am so confused.

Karin

[SHELL 70]

Hi Karin, unfortunately many people simply do not understand what you are going through and they don't know what to say or how to make you feel better because the reality is NOTHING will take away your pain! Don't lie about your feelings, talking is so important & sharing your thoughts & memories are all you have so you must be true to yourself. It is a struggle every day and some people just don't see that, they think you should be okay by now but of course you aren't, how can you ever be okay after what you have just experienced????

You will know in your heart when the time is right to try again, not to replace Kathleen but to have another bubba to hold in your arms forever. You were robbed by Kathleen's passing so it is normal to want another baby.... After Carly was born I thought I could never even have sex again but we were pregnant 10 weeks after her bith which was the best therapy for us.( not everybody feels the same)

Just take care of yourself and let people know how you feel. I guess that is the best thing about BB, there are people who do know how you are feeling & you can chat anytime of the day or night.

Sending you big hugs, Shell xo