My two miscarriages were quiet early (bubs were only 4w3d and 5w2d)
Personally I didn't avoid pregnant women after these. As sad as they were my way of thinking is that there was something wrong with them to stop them developing further.
After Nikita died (she was 16 weeks preterm and 8 days old when she passed) we have a newborn at her funeral which was difficult and I did avoid other pregnant women for a few months but after that I realised that you can't avoid it. I saw preggie women and newborns more than ever and I just had to get use to it.
Sorry I know that seems like really cold way of looking at it but sooner or later they will be right under your nose and you will have to face it.
Putting this into persepctive for you though -
I think if the family gathering will be too hard then don't go. I cannot imagine how hard that will be especially with a group of insentitive people around you. Snide remarks are so unhelpful with the healing process.
That being said depending on how long ago you lost your baby, it could be an excellent opportunity to face what you fear to start the next phase of the healing process. Just go for a little while make an appearence and see how you go.
Its very hard when things are still so fresh though so make your decision closer to when time comes. Maybe if your DP goes in representation of you both and sends your well wishes?
Its a tough call - these are the things we all have to face at one time or another but i promise you the first time will always be the hardest, it does get easier
Toomanyshoes, for what it's worth I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to avoid a family gathering cum baby shower if you feel uncomfortable about it. I had a loss at around 6 weeks and tbh I was quite relieved (it just wasn't the right time for us) so I didn't feel the need to avoid pregnant friends/family, but there was a good year or two before I met DH, when I was having a really hard time watching my friends all settle down and start families and wondering if it wsa ever going to happen for me, kwim? Kind of like what I imagine a couple going through IVF would feel - everyone around them is blissfully happy, getting what they want, and here's me all alone and miserable and jealous and just wanting a bub so badly, kwim?
So I didn't avoid friends and family after my loss, but there was quite a long period before that when I couldn't stand to be around pregnant friends and family for those reasons. It wasn't so hard for me to, say, be out shopping and see pregnant women walk past, yes it hurt a little, but nowhere near as much as hearing my friends gush on about how excited they were/complain about having to pee constantly etc...
It was only when DH and I started trying for a family and were successful, that I felt ready to be around close friends who had babies/were pregnant again - it no longer felt like it was being 'rubbed in my face' (I mean, I KNOW none of them would do that but I was just so despairing of ever having my own family that I felt like the universe was just taunting me, kwim?) and basically I 'got what I wanted' and was more than happy to share the experience with those who were going through it or had been there.
If I were in your situation, I suppose I would decide by weighing up exactly how hard it would be on me to be around all that baby talk/excitement, kwim?? Like, if I could put up with it, keep a straight face and act like nothing was wrong (and pull it off convincingly), then I would probably go... but if there was a chance it would be too much for me and I'd end up spending the whole time holed up in a spare bedroom bawling or being catty with people who won't shut up about babies/pregnancy, then no, I'd make some lame excuse (probably at last minute, like a sudden tummy bug lol) and not show up - for me, the embarrassment of being seen to 'be causing drama' would be worse than having to grin and bear it, kwim?
I'm very sorry for your loss hun, I hope you're getting the support and care that you need to help you through this difficult time. My thoughts are with you and your little angel.
I chose to not put myself in certain circumstances following my loss. the ILs are not that great, and some occasions when i knew i had an out (only had to be there a short while or i knew that supportive people would be there) i felt ok about going. Other times when i knew it wasn't going to be good for me, i stayed home.
For me it worked, gave me the time i needed to heal, and now i am strong enough i can just ignore comments if they happen and i am ok about it.
You have to do what is right for you, and not feel bad. I felt that by taking the time i needed, it would actually better the relationship with the ILs. If i had to put up with them when i was raw, it might do more damage to my feelings about them, than any damage done by missing the BBQ (IYKWIM)
I think that you need to put yourself first in this case and do what makes you comfortable - you are entitled to take care of yourself - just because one person wouldn't need the space that you need doesn't make it wrong for you to need it. I think it's worthwhile explaining this to them but if they don't understand, that is their issue and not yours.
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