I chose to not put myself in certain circumstances following my loss. the ILs are not that great, and some occasions when i knew i had an out (only had to be there a short while or i knew that supportive people would be there) i felt ok about going. Other times when i knew it wasn't going to be good for me, i stayed home.

For me it worked, gave me the time i needed to heal, and now i am strong enough i can just ignore comments if they happen and i am ok about it.

You have to do what is right for you, and not feel bad. I felt that by taking the time i needed, it would actually better the relationship with the ILs. If i had to put up with them when i was raw, it might do more damage to my feelings about them, than any damage done by missing the BBQ (IYKWIM)

take care