My little girl arrived last week at 34+4 and is in the SCN. No idea how long she'll be in there for, she was tiny (or so it seems to me) when she came out and so I get the feeling she might be there for a while.
I don't think I'm coping with it. Every day I'm in tears over it all. I'm really worried I've developed/am developing PND but I don't want to go to my GP because I get the feeling she thinks I'm a bit of a hypchondriac tbh, but I might see if I can get an appointment with the social worker at the hospital where DD is.
I know she's only 8 days old but I don't feel like we're any closer to her coming home. I know she won't be home by Christmas (which I'm struggling with but in reality I knew it all along) but I just feel... numb. Detached. Lost. Like I'm not a mum. Between that and trying to recover from the c/s its horrible. My husband is doing really well at focussing on the positives but god I'm struggling and he keeps telling me that I need to focus on the positives and forget the rest but I just can't. Leaving DD every day goes against every single one of my instincts. This isn't how it's supposed to be and I know it's the best place for her but I don't feel like we're making any progress and I just want her home.
Today I ended up breaking down sobbing when we were visiting (I cried the whole visit but this was quite violent sobbing) and I just left without saying anything to anyone, including DH, because I just couldn't, and I couldn't make myself go back. Then I felt like a really bad, horrible mother but by then it was too late, so I cried some more.
Don't know what I'm trying to achieve with this post... just a vent really to people who actually get it.
Hugs hun could not read and not post. I hope things get easier for you and you start to feel a bond soon. Are you expressing for her??? I do think you need to speak to someone about how you are feeling the social worker is a good start.
Yes, I'm expressing. I just feel so useless though. It's so hard watching everyone else looking after my little girl... that should be my job, not theirs! I'm going to ask to speak to the social worker tomorrow. Definitely.
Yarrawin - I sort of know how you feel.. I dont have kids (we are ttc#1) but my best friend has a c-sec and gave birth to a baby girl at 32+4 and i was there at the birth (my friends like a sister to me! - So I am proud "Aunty Melzi" but when i went to see bubs she just was so little and I felt so bad leaving her too. When it came time to drop my friend home (without her daughter... ) she'd be in tears everytime. Im so sorry your bubby is in SCU but honestly it is the best place for her and you never know! She may pack on the weight fast and please the nurses and doctors enough to go home earlier! Dont forget to relax (easier said than done though) as you need to recover from your surgery! She is YOUR BABY Girl - you are a very strong mummy and please do see a dr at the hospital about PND... they WILL take you seriously. if they dont get another opinion. but if you think pnd could be a problem seek help or talk to someone to help. I know im not a mum, but if you need someone to talk to feel free to inbox me at any time xxxxxxx hope this has helped. xxx lots of hugs
Aw hun, I can't offer anything more but a BB hug as I haven't been in your situation. However, there are BB gals who would relate exactly to what you're going through and can share their experiences and support. I also think you would benefit by talking to someone, but by the sounds of it you know that too.
I'd like to congratulate you on the birth of your little girl though - you sure are a mummy, hun. Hope your dear little daughter is doing well and you get her home asap.
It's so hard to leave them there and come home every day. I felt like the worst mother in the world when I left after each visit. We once called into a friends house on the way home and I felt so guilty for being there and not in the scn with him. I still get anxious when I think about my pregnancy and the time in scn. Don't ever feel silly for feeling te way you do. Please go to your gp and have a chat with him/her. I really do know how hard it is
It is so hard leaving bub behind. Is she able to have photos or anything around her bed? Could you print some photos of you and DH and her bedroom or garden at home so she has a piece of you with her when you take a break? Do you have photos of her with you? Having a special teddy you can hug can also help when you are at home and wish she was there wth you.
Thanks everyone I do feel a little bit better today. She's so tiny that any step backwards seems like such a huge one even if it isn't and when she was overfed it made her sick and I just didn't deal with it. It felt like such a HUGE thing.
A bit of an update - we were up there at 1am last night (yes, seriously... I forgot bottles for expressing, didn't have anything to express into instead and I had rockmelon boobies!) and she appears to have stopped vomitting. I am afraid to get too excited about it just yet but she hadn't vomitted since before we were 12 hours earlier except for a burp which brought up about 2mls and they think was just normal baby possiting and not related... so, just a burp hopefully. before she was vomitting up to 8ml or even 10ml and at every feed so we were really relieved.
Going to book into my old GP tomorrow seeing as it looks like they're transferring bub to a different hospital, I'll book that in tomorrow. I don't know how much of what I'm feeling is situational or whatever but I definitely want to get on top of my feelings before they can develop into PND if I'm not there already, so we'll see how we go!
hun... couldn't read and not reply.
I think what your feeling is common, a friend of mine had her little boy quite early (can't remember now) and he was in hosp in melb, there were days she had to go home (2hrs+) and she felt horrible.
She told me it was the WORST time of her life, she felt she wasn't connecting with him, like she was failing him and that she felt as though he wasn't really 'hers'.
She has now taken him home and the bond they share is probably that little more special... she's seen him through the hard times, given all her love and effort to make sure he had every chance of getting out of hospital.
Your doing an amazing job... can i just say i think it was great she took photos of her DS, like most parents she had photos from when her DD was born and i think having photos (no matter how hard) of those first moments was a good reminder for her that she did care enough, she WANTED pictures of him to show when he's older exactly the fight they fought together.
Dd1 was born at 34 weeks by emergency cs, so I have been through what you are going through. Leaving them is the hardest thing to do, especially if they are unsettled. When you are with her take over from the midwives. Take her temp, changer nappies, clothes, bedding anything you can to be part of her routine. Cuddle her while you are expressing so you have extra time with her.
Hopefully it won't be long before she is home, how is she health wise? Are they just waiting for to be able to do all suck feeds in a 24hour period?
Focus on each day, to successfully manage a bf, even for 5 minutes, enjoy the cuddles. Take photos to have at home. When you are home rest, expressing full time is exhausting.
when DS was transferred to the hospital closer to our house, they felt he was ready for all suck feeds the next day and we took him home 2 days afyter that. maybe the new hospital might do the same?
I don't think she'll get to come home... she's really little... since she dropped down from her birth weight she's under 1700g so she has to stay in a humidicrib thingie and she can't maintain her body temperature. She's got to put weight on before that will happen and this whole overfeeding/vomit fiasco REALLY didn't help that but fingers crossed thats sorted itself out now.
Health wise its just weight gain and suck feeds. That's it, which is a huge relief when I see some of the other babies in there (which makes me feel so guilty for feeling the way I do as well but again, I can't help it).
Yarrawin, I can't imagine how you must feel. Days sound emotionally tumultuous for you right now. What i'd like to say in my post is that you are doing a fine job of being a mother. No one can prepare you for anything about having a child, regardless of your own journey and its difference to someone else's. No one is judging you or your actions right now so PLEASE don't feel like a bad mother ever, and don't feel ungrateful around other parents too in possibly less fortunate circumstances. This is your journey and how you walk it is yours to own. Chin up mum
Your little girl will be keeping you running around like a mad chook soon enough, and you'll look back at this time and simply say, 'wow, aren't we an amazing family!'
All the best xxooxxoo
AND congrats on a beautiful little princess for 2010!
Last edited by Sunny Love; December 19th, 2010 at 10:51 AM.
: forgot to congrats! :)
It's hard not to feel bad when there are sicker babies, our scn was combined with the nicu, so some of the babies were really sick. All three of mine were scn babies in the end including Ds who was a full term baby. He was so big compared to all the other babies, it seemed strange having him there. But all the babies are there for a reason.
Firstly hun, congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby girl. Sometimes we forget to celebrate when things don't quite go to plan. I'm sure she is gorgeous.
Leaving your little one at hospital is the hardest thing you'll probably ever do, I totally understand. Our DD had a long stay in hospital this year too, so I can very much relate to your experience. She sounds like she's doing really well, but it is a very scary time and recovering from a c-section too is tough enough on its own. Have you got someone to drive you to hospital to see her?
The emotions will run thick & fast for you and things change so quickly. One day you can feel like you're managing ok, and the next you feel like you're falling apart. Don't feel guilty comparing yourself to the experience of others.....anyone who has a bub in hospital has their own journey and everything you are feeling is valid. And well done on expressing for her, its a really tough job but so very valuable for your baby girl. Its exhausting so make sure you get as much rest as you can. There were some days where I had to force myself to take a break from visits and I asked DP to take over for a few days while I got my head back together and regained some strength.
There are lots of things you can do that will make you feel more involved in your DDs care. It took us a few weeks to get familiar with the routine in hospital but it wasn't long before we were practically doing most things we could for DD. She was in a closed crib for a long time, and with some practice and the guidance of the nurses you'll soon be a pro. Nappy changes, tube feeds, sponge baths, taking temp, changing positions and other cares in general can all be done by you and your hubby so let them know you want to be involved.
Are you getting many cuddles with her? The staff should understand the value of skin-to-skin cuddles so don't be shy to ask them to help you get her out for a cuddle at any opportunity. It feels like its a lot of work and like its disrupting her for a while, but truly the benefits are real for the both of you. I used to sit for hours with DD tucked into my top and it was so healing for me.
I would have a chat to the social worker at the hossy too, they can really help you de-brief and work through what you're feeling.
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Baby in SCN, feeling really down and hopeless
I do feel a little bit better today. She's so tiny that any step backwards seems like such a huge one even if it isn't and when she was overfed it made her sick and I just didn't deal with it. It felt like such a HUGE thing.
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